Wow
06/07/2009 08:16 a.m.

Amanda and Steven graduated today. Jennell's is next Friday night. So amazing! All of my kids, now, safely graduated from high school! Not that I can take too much credit...sometimes they did it in spite of their childhoods!

I spent the afternoon on the verge, and sometimes on the brink, and sometimes nearly slipped over the edge, of crying. I'm not sure why.

Their childhoods are officially over. I am officially finished being a Mom in the old sense of it. I'll never stop being their Mom, of course. But, officially, no more school, no more snow days, no more ranting about homework. Ever. Wow.

And while it defies usefulness, I missed Miah today. He was here for Jessica's graduation. He was here for Kate's graduation. He spent the most time with Steven and Amanda, and he missed it.

I spent the afternoon up at the park at the family picnic, snuggling with Atreyu. That experience was part of the treasure that was today. We have a little Nanna/Trey thing goin' on, and it makes me giggle to hear him giggle.

Well, my bedmates call. All those books, loyal and ever-present. Heh. While my windchimes sing me sweetly to dreamtime...

I am currently: waaaaay too sleepy to be awake!
Listening to: an inner singing


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Recruits
06/03/2009 03:06 p.m.

So, I've been wondering. What are my core wounds? And who do I recruit to help me work through them? The gambler, the alcoholic? The mother who belittles me (yes, I still recruit her from time to time). The grocery store clerk who snubs me every time I go through her line? The fellow student who whispers into the ear of another class mate? Who am I recruiting today to feed that core wound, to confirm whatever that central issue is?

I still don't get it, who I get involved with and why, but I've just about decided it doesn't matter a lick. All I have to do today is breathe, and know that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, at all times.

And, by the way? My instincts are always right. ALWAYS.

The development of the friendship from australia was certainly brief. Lovely in many ways, and very valuable, but brief. But I also KNOW that I am exactly where I need to be. My counselor concurs. My support group concurs. The blessings of insight keep coming, and I know that whatever is in store for me is still available, and that is what I move towards, partner or no partner.

I am currently: trusting my gut
Listening to: my energy whirl

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Curious
05/27/2009 05:35 p.m.


I find it curious, the way I feel lately. Unattached.

Had a strange experience in energy work last week, and since then, I've been feeling a bit "off" emotionally. "Off" in both senses - a bit off as in not awake, and off as in off-center. I found myself suddenly disconnected from the possibilities of the new relationship, and haven't been able to reconnect since then. I was thinking it might be transient, but so far the excitement I felt at first has not returned. I feel only the gratitude for what the experience brought in terms of growth. In a very short time, I experienced a huge leap in growth.

Interestingly, I do not feel "off" spiritually. I feel as connected to my spiritual journey as ever. During the energy work, I was visited in vision by two avatars of Vishnu. Very interesting stuff.

Jeremiah is leaving town for good, this weekend, going on to visit his family and then on to explore some more of his spiritual path. I'm glad on his behalf, that he's found some purpose in whatever he's doing next. I am still sad in many ways to see that affiliation leave my life. I'm sorry that we didn't accomplish more together in terms of the growth we'd hoped to experience together. But I'm glad that, in the end, we found a gentle, loving way to float away from one another.

I visited my son and his wife, this last weekend, to help get the old apartment cleaned out and to get them all moved over to their first house. Of course, Kate was there with her new boyfriend, Ryan; Jess was there and so was Amanda. I had four of my six children all together in one place, and I was able to help, and cuddle with Atreyu too! It was a WONDERFUL time! I can't wait to go back and be with them some more!

It looks as if Meme and I will be staying in town, and moving into a smaller place that my aunt from Arizona owns. We're just waiting for the old tenants to move, and then we'll be moving in - so, sometime between now and the beginning of August.

I'm taking two classes this summer - Speech and Intro to Psychology. Summer term is short, only 8 weeks. I think I might change my major, to something more in humanities than business, but gosh, I just don't know what I want to be when I grow up yet! LOL.

Life is funny, the twists and turns, and the connections to the people I love. Life is sweet, and I'm loving just about every minute.

I am currently: feeling sort of strange.
Listening to: my myspace playlist.

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Stuff going on
05/06/2009 06:43 p.m.

Wow. Life is moving along so wonderfully!

I've lost another 15 lbs. I mean, I know I'm eating better and exercising more, but this is a little leap after the healing exercises I've been doing with my new friend from Australia. I'm just amazed by the results of these visualizations we've been doing.

He's also highly trained in chinese medicine/acupressure and acupuncture. He's offered some suggestions for Meme's toe wound, and where the podiatrist had said he thought it would never heal due to her circulatory issues, since I've been applying what he suggested, it IS healing. Also, he helped my sister with excessive menstrual bleeding, and me with a couple of issues that I'd sort of reached a block with medicinally. I'm so grateful he's in my life! He may even come to the states for a visit. That would just be wild!

My sister went back to Kansas, which is not so wonderful but I know she had to get back home. :-( I'm going to miss her companionship and the wonderful support she provided while she was here. It was so amazingly wonderful to have her here! She helped so much with Meme! She spent time cooking her the meat dishes that she loves that I cannot/will not prepare since I just can't tolerate the preparation of the meat. She visited with her, and just was an extra support in her care all around. And the kids absolutely adore her, so they got so much from the visit as well! The only thing is, space is limited at my house and so we shared a bed during the month she was here, and...well, apparently we had a couple of conversations while we were both sleeping, and I smacked her in the head a couple of times while I was rolling over. LOL!! It will be good to get back to my normal sleep habits, and I'm sure she's relieved to be sleeping in her own bed!

School is going well, though it's been more challenging this term! And as I get into the accounting stuff, and more into the philosophy stuff, I LOVE the philosophy! But I'm just not sure how that would translate practically to a career. LOL!!!

Jess is safely home from the navy. Steven and Amanda graduate in a few weeks. Jennell is graduating from her high school in Washington, AND she'll also be graduating with her ASSOCIATE degree out of the way!!!! I'm so proud of them!!!

Meme and I are staying in The Dalles instead of moving in to Portland to be closer to her health care, but we've decided to move to a mfr. home that my aunt owns, so that our expenses will go down. Meme is REALLY hanging in there!!! I can't believe how well she's doing!!! I will like staying in town since I know college here, and I'm comfortable getting around, and I have a pretty decent support system set up here.

It's interesting, to look back to September just before Miah asked me to marry him, and previous to that, and to realize that, even then, I knew there were things coming that were going to be difficult to embrace in terms of that relationship. The Universe was, in ways not altogether obvious to me at the time, trying to prepare me for the direction my life would ultimately take - away from Miah. And yet, if I hadn't encountered that wound, the window to Steve would not have opened up, with the healing gifts he had put aside for so long and then was compelled to offer me because my pain was so accute. And THAT has opened other doors that might otherwise never have been seen...

Life is moving right along, and in such an awesome way!

Thank you, Universe!!!

I am currently: celebrating Jess' birthday
Listening to: the hours whizz by!!!!




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Today I'm Good With It
04/30/2009 01:53 p.m.


He told me to pray this way:
“Help,
Thank You,”
And
“Whatever it is
You have for my life today, Lord –
I’m good with it.”

And he gently probes,
“Who is in control?”
And I answer,
Today, I’m not in control of it.
The Universe is.

And though unexpected,
And often seen as undeserved
By the likes of my own mirror,
Help has come.

I weep,
Knowing that prayer
Is not for nothing;
Feeling in my soul
Unworthy of these affiliations.

It’s not like it was,
And never will be again.
And today,
I am good with it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so grateful for my counselor and his wisdom, and the way Creator has sent him to me. I'm also grateful and surprised by the help that has arrived. I don't get it, the form that help that was sent has taken - but today, I AM good with it, and thank God for how my life is unfolding.

I am currently: wonderous
Listening to: my sleepy family snoring

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Healing
04/27/2009 04:49 p.m.

This last week, the universe provided to me a guided exercise, and the healing from that is just amazing. I feel so entirely grateful, and relieved to not be grieving anymore for the loss of that relationship.

I realize I am not alone, I am simply not in a relationship. I am surrounded by friends and my loving, if wacko, family.

Life is good.

I am currently: happy-tired
Listening to: the buzz of my family


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Apparently...
04/23/2009 09:29 a.m.

Apparently, the ex IS ready to date. I knew it would come, eventually. I know I have no right to feel the way I do about it. I just wish he wasn't still living in MY tiny little podunk hometown, fishing for a new life, a new girl, right under my nose. It's not like I can leave - I can't. I don't get why he didn't move back to where his friends are, his faith, his preference for the sun and the ocean. My little hometown has nothing to offer him. He's not even going to school here like he planned, or working at some amazing job that he couldn't find anywhere else on the face of the planet.

*sigh*

I am currently: disillusioned
Listening to: the wind threaten everything



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To much stuff, not enough energy
04/21/2009 08:59 a.m.

It boils down to that - what do I have energy for today?

My classes are requiring WAAAAAY more energy this term, and Meme's health is on the decline, and the triplets are graduating, and I'm supposed to be planning a move into Portland, (well, Longview now) and....and....and.....

There is not enough of a supply of me to meet the demand for my energy.

And, also, there is this silly journey called "dating" that I am not ready to embark upon. I mean, really, how goofy can a girl be?

What to say of the sadness I still feel.

Our dreamgroup added a new piece to the mantra. In addition to "Death to the Nice Girl", we've added a small whisper to the universe, "oh, and, um, Pop the Bubble" which refers to the bubble we keep our emotions "safe" in.

And the idea of "recruiting" folks to help us work through the healing of the core wounds? THAT is why we continually choose the same sort of person to interact with, getting ourselves into the same situations repeatedly, until we get it.

I am currently: exhausted
Listening to: my last homework assignment calling





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Not Ready
04/16/2009 10:36 p.m.


Ok, so.....I'm not ready to date. No siree Bob.

Besides, homework is kickin' me in the behind! And I don't have time to date!

No poems scrambling to be released...

I am currently: thinking my smile is snaggle-toothed
Listening to: the $7,000 I need to get it fixed. Ugh.



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I should be sleeping
04/10/2009 10:54 a.m.

This is what two Rock Stars (sugar free) in a day will do to a woman. LOL! I need to be sleeping. Tomorrow is a busy day - bank, and Meme has an appointment, and I have to call Kaiser to figure out appt times since I lost my date book, and take Carla to rent her car, and take Steven to work tomorrow afternoon, and finish my WR 122 essay, and the extra credit assignment, and work on my accounting homework, *take a breath*, and all the usual stuff (taking care of Meme and the dogs and working out).

My old friend, Dale, found me yesterday. I'd forgotten what a funny sweetheart he is. It makes sense, after I dreamed of Grandmother Cher Bear, dreaming that she wasn't dead afterall, and that she'd come back to teach me, and lived only two doors down from me, in my new apartment in my dream. Dale is connected to all of that, and he'd been thinking of me too, in real life, as he pruned a tree in his new yard (he said, for some reason, the leaves reminded him of me). Then, he was installing yahoo messenger for his daughter and my name was in her list of friends, and he just contacted me out of the blue after 2 1/2 years of not keeping in touch. I've known Dale since the kids were LITTLE, since the triplets were 3, so....that's nearly 15 years. WOW!!!

We've camped at Celilo together through the years, and when the kids' dad and I divorced, it was Dale who would come over with Cortnay (his daughter) to rouse me out of my depression with his many suggestions of "come on, Ali, just put the kids in the car and let's go look at Christmas lights," or, "don't worry about a shower, just grab your bathing suit and let's take the kids and go swim!!!" and "we don't have to go out, I'll bring a movie and you grab the pizza and we'll have a night in". Next time, he'd show up with a bushel full of dollar store water guns, and we'd all have a water fight in the yard, or bubbles, and we'd bbq and blow bubbles until it got too dark to see. When I left Portland for Oklahoma in '97, he'd been planning on asking Grandmother for her blessing to marry me. But before he could ask, I was gone. Then, the last time we really connected was almost three years ago when we had a short, little romantic trial that just didn't seem to sizzle for me, and so we parted friends at my request. He's been sober for, what, 25 years now. During our little romantic trial, he was soooooo good to Meme and the kids. When he'd visit, I'd come home from work to find dinner cooked, the lawn mowed, the house clean and flowers on the table for me. Go figure why I didn't fall head over heels. When we talked yesterday, he said he figured I still had wild oats to sow. I don't know about that, but....

It sure was nice that he popped up like that! I think we might go have coffee (No, REALLY, just have coffee...LOL) on Saturday either before or after my counseling appt in Portland. Not sure, but that's the tentative plan at this point. It'll be good to catch up with how he's doing in his life. I don't know if Cortnay will be visiting, but it'd be awesome to see her, too. I think she's graduating this year the same as the triplets, but I don't remember for sure.

Alright, I think I'd better get my butt into bed, even if I don't manage to fall asleep I can rest.

I am currently: wondering what the heck
Listening to: a mouse looking for something to eat, hoping he'll wander into the live traps so I can take him to the country to let him go - AWAY from the house.


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