My Day in Bum Flippin Egypt
06/14/2004 06:10 a.m.
Well, it actually went off without too many hiccups. Neither Jess nor Kate went...it was just me, the kids' dad (who is not my current ex, for those who may be wondering), Jennell and Amanda for the nearly three hour drive. And then after we got there, the ex's sister, her husband and the ex's (and sister's) mom and of course, my third triplet, Steven.

Amanda was bored stiff due to her immobility (broken ankle) but otherwise it was ok. Of course, my ex sister-in-law's husband took us WAY out in the middle of bum-flippin Egypt. No bathrooms. So the first thing that happens is I have to go to the bathroom because, Nooooooo, I couldn't go when we stopped at Safeway (that would have been too civilized apparently) and I promptly, with great care and precision (so as not to get my shoes wet) pee into the wind. Didn't Jim Croce warn about that in one of his songs......wait, that's spitting into the wind. Anyway. Not a great way to start the day after three hours on the road with my ex husband's DRY WIT!!!! YIKES!!! On the way home, I tell the ex, "You know, I don't remember you being this funny when we were married," and he says, "Oh yes, I was always this funny," to which I reply, "ummmmmm, no......no you weren't. Things were NOT this funny. Ever. Besides, I would have remembered that! Yes, I definitely would have remembered that..."

The food was amuzingly shaken and not stirred during the ride on the little trailer they were towing down that long bumpy 6 miles of one lane dirt road, but it still tasted good. Oh, and it was good to see that my ex mother-in-law had not lost her sense of tact. Right after I tell them about my looking into nursing school, she says, "Now, Alison, I don't mean ANY offense AT ALL...but honey, have you thought about how hard it's going to be, being as overweight as you are, to be on your feet all day? I'm only thinking of your health, you know..." I shoo it away with one motion of my hand and say, "Ah, I'll be fine. Under this HUGE layer of FAT is one great, STRONG set of muscles. I'll be GREAT on my feet all day." Oh, and then when my ex's brother-in-law says, "Hey, I hear they're paying for nurses to go the Outback in Australia..." the darling ex replies, "WHAT are you THINKING? The woman can't even pee in the woods and you expect her to make it in the OUTBACK????"

Overall, it went off without any real hitches to speak of. And the things that WERE uncomfortable, I just have to laugh them off. By the end of the day, however, I was definitely ready to hand the ex back to his current wife, and with secret thanks during my prayers tonight, I will tell God how glad I am that things have worked out the way they have.



I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to the fan on my refrigerator

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June 15th
06/12/2004 02:56 p.m.
It's the triplets' birthday on the 15th. They are turning 13 this year. My goodness, I can't believe my babies are going to be teenagers.

Steven, one of the triplets, is living in Madras this year with his father's mother, sister, and brother-in-law. He's gotten himself into some pretty deep trouble this last year, and it's probably the best place for him as neither his father nor I had the resources to really help him. In Madras, he's the only child with three adults to support him and assist him.

That's part of what I've been dealing with, part of the dark shadow in my life...how to be the mother of a child in this kind of trouble and still be a good mother.

I'm supposed to drive to Madras (a two and a half hour drive one way) on Sunday with the other two triplets (daughters) and my fifteen year old daughter and their dad (Kate won't go as she is not comfortable being with Steven at all right now) to celebrate the triplets birthday. #1, I haven't spent that much time with the kids' dad (and his family) in nearly nine years, but with gas prices being what they are, it makes sense to take only one vehicle. #2, I'm not sure I want to see Steven at all. I have way too many layers of emotions where the issues with Steven are concerned.

It's obvious there is only one of two choices to be made....go or not go. Going will most certainly be extremely uncomfortable at least on several levels. But not going may cause damage that will be difficult to repair later on. So, I've decided to go, and err on the side of hurting myself rather than Steven. There may come a point, once I've untangled my emotions and decided how I want to proceed with Steven, where I can honor my own feelings AND do the right thing where Steven is concerned. But since I have no idea what that means at this point....well, I'm going, and I'm going to try to get through the day with as much love as possible without being phoney.

Sometimes I wonder how other people manage to be parents, have careers, preserve marriages and stay sane. I don't feel like I'm progressing down any of those paths with any measure of success. And at 41, I keep thinking my opportunities to "salvage" my life are running out. *sigh* But at 41, I also know that these feelings won't stay the same. I have at least a modicum of control over what I do with the experiences that come toward me. Today, I seriously doubt that I have total control over all the events that come my way. But I do have control over how I respond to those events.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to my neighbor's shower

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Promotion
06/11/2004 01:39 p.m.
Kate, my 14yr old daughter who lives with me, promoted last night to high school. It's unbelievable to me how fast they are growing up. Kate was beautiful in a black skirt, white and black top that ties in the back, and (this is funny) cute little pink&clear flip flops that she INSISTED she had to have instead of pumps or sandals. "All the girls are going comfortable mom," which was, of course, not even close to true....but it was her experience and so that's the way I left it.

I went to the college yesterday and spoke to the Nursing Program Director as well as the Career Advisor. I started off with the Nursing Director, but it's a strange thing about going into Nursing. The training for Nursing is, apparently, quite difficult to get into....lots of wannabe nurses but only so many "slots" (24 per year) in the education program. And yet the demand for nurses remains high. So, the key is excellent grades, which I think I can do as long as I don't overload myself between working and school. Anyway, beginning stages. Fill out the financial aid papers and we'll see from there. That will be the real key.
I am currently Fine
I am listening to the world waking up

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I have to remember
06/09/2004 03:15 a.m.
I remember now and again, and it does me great good....to remember that some of the situations that have arisen.... not only are they not directly a product of my doing, their appearance is not a reflection of myself.
I am listening to my hiccups

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Making it through
06/07/2004 01:28 p.m.
I have so much going on right now, and all piled up in time, it seems. I keep thinking, "I'm 41, and things will surely even out now," but they haven't. *shaking my head* It still feels like way too much for me to bear, and yet here I sit, weathering the storm, taking another step and then another and pondering the why of life.

My child support is going up $140 per month so that soon I won't be able to keep my cable tv or internet. I know, it sounds so pathetic said like that, but it's the last bit of the social life I had managed to swing as a single mom, and of course it's negotiable. The one daughter I have living with me...we won't die for lack of these things. But still I feel angry about it. We still don't have health insurance, and once the child support goes up, there will be no way to get it. Well, Kate's dad can add her to his at least. *sigh* It just sucks. I can get another job, I guess, only if they factored in the income from that, the child support would go up again.

There is so much more that I can't even begin to write here. Ack.

Well, it's time for work. I want so much to feel better, to not have all these things weighing so heavily on me. But all I can think to do right at this point is to keep walking, keep taking steps in the journey that is this life, and keep believing (as I always have) that this life is exactly what is needed for the evolution and growth of my soul.
I am currently Disillusioned
I am listening to my daughter's alarm clock

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The loop
06/04/2004 06:59 a.m.
I know it's a loop in time. I've never felt it quite this way before. It feels like a wrinkle. I can't sleep tonight. For if I do, I am going to wake up again 21 years ago. Once more I will marvel at his first long nap. Once more I will go to the bathroom before I check on him. I'll brush my hair, my teeth, notice with wry wit how a new mother's unreasonable fears feel...."OMG, what if he's not really sleeping? What if I go in and he's not sleeping?" Once more I'll tell myself what a silly ninny I'm being for worrying so, even as I quicken my steps to the nursery. Of course he's only sleeping. In slow motion, I'll hear the click of the door again, the sound of the heater kicking over with the blast of cool air. I'll think again how sweet he looks in jammies. Only this time, he'll be breathing. He'll stir as he hears me, lift his head and look for me through sleepy eyes. And I'll reach down, laughing, and scoop him up. And all the world will slip back into its proper place, and the nightmare will never happen.
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to the deafening beat of my heart

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24hr Bug
06/03/2004 02:03 p.m.
Ill yesterday. Stomach still queesy. Ack. I have to go to work, but of course that makes me like every other working class bloke who has to work when she would rather go back to bed and finish sleeping off the flu. My head still hurts too. Who can afford to get well?

June 4th is tomorrow. No wonder I feel so emotionally icky on top of the physical stuff. No doubt the physical stuff was given an opening through the emotional leak.
I am currently Weird
I am listening to The crickets singing in the morning dew

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He tested the water
05/30/2004 07:22 p.m.
Well, he called last night, and finally asked me what was wrong. He said he sensed that things weren't right. I told him the truth about how I've been feeling (or more accurately, not feeling) as gently as I could. I was very surprised that he did not react the old way and get shitty....which would have entailed him reciting the latest list of "sins" I had committed against him (some his perception of reality, and some his perception of nothing based in reality at all) which made me more guilty in the whole thing than him.

I feel sad but relieved that hopefully, now, it's finally over, and not from an arguement or some other traumatic event that would require separate healing altogether. Being absolutely single again after seven years of being all entangled is hard enough, even when not being entangled anymore is a positive thing. I'm glad it was just left at that this time.

On a happy note, I'm going into Portland today to see a locally produced, independant film called "What the Bleep are we doing?" I looked it up online, and it's had some pretty good reviews. It's right up my "quantum reality" alley!!! I'm seeing it with a girl I went to high school with. We didn't hang out much then, but lately we've gotten to know each other again, and we're having a blast together. It feels so good to have a real friend after seven years of isolating myself in the marriage.
I am currently Peaceful
I am listening to My own thoughts floating around in my head.

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Lukewarm
05/28/2004 05:40 p.m.
Sober for over a month now. Not me, him. The ex. Trying. He's trying now. Looking for work. Patching things up with his daughter. Trying to be sane, he is. We've spent a little time together over the last week. I'm a terrible person. I don't feel the same. There is love, but it isn't what it was. It's only lukewarm. Now what do I do? How do I tell him? I thought if there were steps taken toward sanity, it would be better all around. It should feel better, but it doesn't. It's only lukewarm. *sigh* I guess I don't have to do anything about feeling lukewarm today.

Can the feelings come back? My gut tells me no, that maybe there is just too much water under that bridge. *sighing again*

The weekend is coming and I'm a tired girl. Worked quite a bit of overtime these last two weeks, and more work is coming with the survey of our facility around the corner, but I'm saved a bit by Memorial Day :-)

I am currently Tired
I am listening to Joanne Shenandoah

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He just doesn't get me
05/23/2004 12:51 a.m.
I shared Ode to Self (Disgust) with ex. He didn't get it. Not at all. Not an image. I don't get how he could not get it. He doesn't understand the release of being here, that even though I think my poetry is not read nearly as often as many others' here, at least it gets read and those that leave comments seem to at least glean a picture of what I'm trying to say. It's a huge gift to me, that what I have to say (albeit insignificant in the grand scheme of things) will not just sit in a tattered notebook and get thrown away some day when I leave this earth. I am so thankful to have found this site!!!
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to Evanesence

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