I don't know what I did
07/24/2004 05:41 p.m.
Men, just a warning, this entry may not be for you!!!

NO hair is growing on my legs. I haven't shaved in four weeks, and NO hair is growing. It's amazing. I don't know what I did or how it happened. I know I spent months sugar waxing, and then I ran out of the wax and couldn't afford to replace it, so I shaved a couple of times using Noxema's "shave minimizing" gel, and then, voila, no hair!!!! I'm awed and amazed! I can't believe it, my skin is so soft and......hairless!!!

Of course, I never shaved my upper thighs. Never. And I'm trying to convince my own girls to never do that because I never really got hair there. At about age 13, there was fine blonde hair, but I never shaved it and by age 17 there was just never any there. I wish I could have not been curious and done that with my lower legs. But I was just so eager to enter the REAL world of womanly ways....LOL!!!

Now, how can I get the same thing to happen to my underarms??? (I tried to warn the men, who are, by now saying EWWWWWWWWWW....LMAO!!!!)
I am currently Dorky
I am listening to paid advertising. Ack.

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Tired
07/20/2004 05:24 p.m.
I'm so tired. Emotionally. Mentally. I could crawl into some sort of isolation chamber and be content right now. *sigh* It is exhausting, slightly annoying, and so common to be in my own skin today. I would be furious, but I don't have the energy.
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to my office mate's half-tuned in radio station

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New Paradigms
07/18/2004 04:08 p.m.
I find myself in a most interesting position. Having filled out the divorce papers two weekends ago, I did not file because of some of the unresolved financial matters which he had suggestions for, suggestions that made sense. He had, however, agreed to sign the divorce papers once those matters were resolved in a way that was beneficial for both of us. I was agreeable because both attorneys I had consulted had offered the same suggestions.

During the last two weeks, with all turmoil laid to rest and all resolve to "work things out somehow" utterly surrendered, I found myself in a unique position of unbiased and unthreatening objectivity. I have observed some disturbing events unfold....disturbing in that these events have been unexpected, and surprising in their possible conclusions. He's seeking serious help for himself, separate from me, separate from any hope to regain my trust or sway any odds in his favor somehow for any other reason than to make his own life better.

He's been clean and sober for 80 days, not a subtantial amount of time but longer than any time during our marriage. He's attending a church, meditating and praying, and he has this calm about him I have never witnessed, ever. Always, even when "things" were going well, there was always an underlying current of unrest and chaos. Now, despite the mess which is his life, there seems to be an underlying calm and peace.

I have no idea what it means to me. I don't know that it means anything to me, perhaps because somehow peace has found him, he has embraced it, and I was not a part of that process and, therefore, should not be. He hasn't asked me to pause in my own process, in my own going forward without him. He only says he loves me still and wants what is best for me, even if he is no longer to be a part of that equation. He is homeless at this point, with only a part time job, and not once has he asked me to take him in (nor have I offered). He is finding his own way.

I find that I wish to observe this process. It is frightening because he is not the same, and I only know how to relate to the man as he was. The familiar has value simply because it is a known equation, the answer to which is solved already (the challenge, while difficult, lessened in degrees because the way has already been traveled). I don't know this new equation, and perhaps I will discover that I don't like the answer to this new equation as much as I didn't like the answer to the old equation. But I find that I wish to observe as the solution unfolds. For love. For hope. For the testimony of miracles.

Of course I can't trust this new equation until it has been worked many times and the integrity of the outcome has been proven. But I find that I am willing to observe the process, to stand still while I watch. And that's all.
I am currently Questioning
I am listening to My children watch Sponge Bob

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The paperwork is done
07/04/2004 05:27 p.m.


In my mind and heart, the absence is official. I finished filling out the paperwork, and it will be filed next week. As Ashok so astutely pointed out, I am happily sad.

I fully expect to go back to work on Tuesday and find my blood pressure back to normal. Hahahaha.


I am currently Glad
I am listening to My fan trying to (unsuccessfully) cool my apt down

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Today my blood pressure went back up
07/02/2004 03:07 a.m.


After three days of email correspondance with the ex (we live less than a mile away from each other for goodness sakes), I've decided it's time to file the papers.

It started innocently enough last Monday night. General remarks about how distant I've been, which progressed to observations that we were not working on our relationship, which morphed into him qualifying my feelings about him, which is the one button he knows he can press and get a response. I just kept trying to ask him what HE was feeling, and he never did say. Even up through finally being ugly to me again, never did he say, "you know, I would like 'this' to happen," or "I feel 'this' about us". Every time he came close, it ended up being a projection of what he thought I was feeling, like, "I think you are always going to have doubts about me and you won't ever be happy." It ended up being the lastest list of sins I've committed, which I was so concerned about six weeks ago.

Well, the kindness he was trying to offer did last longer than any other time I can remember. It was pretty sad that the old ugly ways came back. And this time, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I remained reasonable and didn't even cuss at him. I simply wouldn't slip those old shoes back on. I've been letting all the anger out in my poetry, and I feel it's much more productive for me that way.

I've known for a while that it was probably over. But when eight years have been invested, and I surrendered so much of my soul in my life with him....and he did seem to at least want to embrace a better way of living....well, I just couldn't file. But I also knew the first time he shook those shoes in my face and told me that my not wearing them was proof that I didn't love him anymore....well I knew I would walk away then.

After being bombarded with emails from him (which I made the mistake of reading at lunch time) I felt that familiar headache, a headache I haven't had for months. I went to one of the nurses's stations and my blood pressure was 148/100. Not deadly, but high enough that I don't want to experience the headaches and the dizziness and all I was going through last year.

I've had the papers partially filled out for awhile. Now I'll just finish them this weekend and file them when the courts open on Tuesday. In a way it feels exactly right. Hey, Ashok, I'm officially sending him to the NOBODY bin.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to the gentle call of those divorce papers...

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I'll be tan after the burn fades a bit...
06/28/2004 01:40 a.m.
I took some of my daughters today and went to Ka Nee Ta, which is a resort on the Warm Springs Indian Reservation not too far from where I live. There, they have a casino and hotel, horse back riding, canoeing, white water raft trips, teepees you can stay in, and a public pool. We, of course, went swimming. The pool is huge, and is fed by a natural hot springs, so the water is full of minerals and is warm all year round.

Um, I got a little crispy. Hehe. I used SPF 50 sunblock several times, but I still browned under the broiler there. Anyway, we had a great time!!!
I am currently Refreshed
I am listening to my next door neighbor's latina beat

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Casual Friday
06/25/2004 02:35 p.m.
I love being able to wear my jeans to work.
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to My coffee dripping

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Being chipper
06/22/2004 06:18 p.m.
It's not in the Mood choices, I just know it!!! LOL

I have no idea why I'm feeling chipper, but darnnit it feels good! :-) I am inside my office where it is cool...life is good *wanting to post a smile again but resisting the urge because it feels hoaky*. I feel happy premonitions on the breeze of 'morrow.

I just wrote my first haiku, and it was silly but ok I think.

Ok, back to work.
I am currently Feisty
I am listening to the toilet paper roll rattling in the bathroom next door

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Oh ya, I forgot......
06/20/2004 11:43 p.m.
I got my financial aid stuff all filled out and submitted. Hoooooray!!!! Baby steps, but they have to be taken before I can run. (I'm so excited I can hardly stand it).
I am currently Excited
I am listening to my fan blow the hot air around

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Strange Father's Day
06/20/2004 11:22 p.m.
I made breakfast for the kids' dad this morning for father's day along with their step mother and their new baby brother (who eerily resembles my children but, of course, is not mine. He's a little cutie, though, and he grins at me like an auntie).

I can't even begin to describe the strangeness of getting along with the kids' dad AND his latest wife as friends. If someone would have told me nine years ago that someday he and his fourth wife (third since me) would be welcome in my home for a meal, I would have scoffed them RIGHT OFF the face of the earth. I feel like I've entered some sort of parallel reality....one that I may have even helped to create with all my visions of parents who get along to make things better for the children. Amazing.

I feel really blessed today even though I don't have my dad anymore. I feel really blessed with the family and friends I do have, and blessed that, nine years after a bitterly difficult divorce, my childrens' father and I aren't still despising each other.
I am currently Friendly
I am listening to the Rug Rats (compliments of my children)

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