I called him back
08/17/2004 02:22 p.m.


I don't know where I got the idea, or the courage (well, wait, I think I do know, but anyway...) but I called the kids' dad back last night. I didn't bash him. I simply said, "You and C**** need to do whatever you feel you have to do as far as the child support issue goes. Personally, I really value the progress we've made in everyone getting along, and I don't want to lose that. Still, I do feel it's important that I say a couple of things. It's a really difficult situation for me, because I've never stopped wanting the kids to have the opportunity to be with me, and I wanted to tell you, from my perspective, what happened. I just told them that as far as I'm concerned, they always have the option of living with me. I know you don't agree, and I know you saw it as going behind your back. I don't think of it that way. I believe (and if you look at things honestly, I believe you have to agree) that I'm certainly no worse of a parent than you are, and I certainly deserve to have the kids with me as much as you do. I love our children, too, and I've missed them terribly through all these years. So, you need to know that I'll never stop telling them that they have a place in my home should they ever decide they'd like or need to be with me. It doesn't have anything to do with faulting you and C**** as parents. It just has to do with me being their mother and wanting what's fair for both them and me. I was kind of hoping that we could agree to disagree on this point, so that we wouldn't have to give up all the work we've done on getting along." He didn't speak for a few moments, but then he finally said, "I appreciate what you've said very much. I don't want to lose that either. Thank you, it means alot to us."

Well, I have no idea where things will end up. I'm pretty sure he already sent the child support revision papers in, which wasn't why I called anyway - my point needed to be made, and somehow I KNOW I'll make it financially despite the extra hardship. The thing is, it's not a matter of the kids who live with him needing the money - of COURSE they need the money. I mean, if I could afford it, I would give them so much more. But Kate and I have to survive too - at least minimally. Anyway, I suddenly had the idea of what to say, and it's not the kind of thing I would have come up with given my own (angry) thought processes...it had to be inspired by someone with a broader view than mine...LOL!!!
I am currently Better
I am listening to OMG, if I don't go right now, I'll be late for work!!!

Comments (0)

How in the world did I ever
08/16/2004 02:02 p.m.
Spend ten years with this man? He's going back to court to raise my child support. I can't afford the child support I'm paying, and one of our children lives with me. I am expected, of course, to keep a home for her AND pay a child support that will leave us without the little we do have. Well, we won't die for what I will have to give up to pay it (basic cable and internet) but that was the last of what I had whittled our entertainment down to. But it gets even more complicated since the old support order covered my 13 yr old son, the one who got into so much trouble while living at his dad's and is now living with an aunt/uncle. So when this new order goes through, not only does it raise what I'm paying, but it will cause the state to pursue me with a separate support order for my son. When that happens, I won't have anywhere to make this new money materialize. Arrrrrrgh. I'm so angry!! This is a man who has been married three times SINCE me, and his last wife brought four children with her, they've had one together and now another child is on the way (making a total of NINE children living there). So he's angry because in the course of complaining about how horrible things will be with another mouth to feed, I told the girls they had options now that they are 13, 13, and 16. IF they felt things would be better for them with me, they were welcome to come as far as I was concerned. I will not feel guilty for telling them they have options! So, anyway, he's retaliating by having the child support people review our case, and he called to tell me last night. I was simply silent the entire course of his ranting and raving. What a mess.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to the spin cycle of my angry thoughts

Comments (1)

I can't imagine
08/15/2004 07:31 a.m.

God loves me enough to rescue me from my whole life. All of it, all of the mess of it. *shaking my head* Amazing.
I am currently Awestruck

Comments (0)

Day one down, ??? to go...
08/14/2004 08:07 p.m.
*breathing a huge sigh of relief* He made it through one day without ruining everything God has so richly blessed us with these last weeks. I know that sounds terrible, but that was my fear. My experience with him in the past was that he made things so intolerable for everyone around him that we were all throwing cigarettes at him for our own relief. I am feeling so blessed. I am feeling so blessed to have the opportunity to have this kind of experience with him, the man I have been in love with for so very long but had been so hurt by for the last two years. I so thought it was over. I so thought there was no hope. I was so angry, too! I kind of feel bad for the angry things I've written, but what I said was valid at the time. Well, these chickens haven't hatched completely yet, so I'm still just watching. But I like what I am observing. :-)

I love the new church, and the new pastor. I am so enjoying the worship. The prayer is so powerful, and I am liking it very much!. I love getting to know the people who attend that church. I love getting to know the pastor's wife (she is a cutie, with a lovely voice and very tender heart). I feel very loved there. I have been so afraid to say it, because in my life when things have felt too good to be true, there was a good reason (they WERE too good to be true). For the first time in a very long time, I feel able to trust. Of course, time will tell (I love how time does that). There is no harm in giving these experiences time to develop before I label them as "good" or "bad" for me.

I think it's worth saying at this point that I haven't been to church regularly for at least 17 years. Every time I tried to go, I would just scoff at the ridiculousness of it. I don't scoff at this church. I finally feel like I'm home.
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to three of my daughters singing

Comments (0)

Laid the cigarettes down
08/13/2004 06:52 p.m.
Last night, John put down his cigarettes. I am glad for him, but instant appearance of the bear. I mean, I want him to stop smoking as that would obviously be more healthy than continuing to smoke. But I find myself fearful of the old. Ack. I'm praying. I'm doing all I know how to do that doesn't cross boundaries (it's HIS deal), trying to be supportive but nothing more (nothing more is important in these matters). I'm more afraid of what will happen if he ends up smoking again and sees his attempt as a failure. Isn't that sad? Take me away.
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to the stress in my neck giving me a headache

Comments (0)

He danced
08/09/2004 08:10 p.m.
Last night, at church. Such joy, unlike anything I've ever experienced while watching someone else walking their path. It is worth saying that he was not a man who was ever light on his feet. He looked like a fool, but his face had a new smile, one I've never seen before. I stayed in the back of the church, watching. And laughing.
I am currently Glad
I am listening to the sound of dreams coming true

Comments (0)

I just have to say
08/08/2004 07:15 a.m.
God is awesome.

I keep feeling like I want to chronicle everything that is occuring. But if I write it, then it will be here in black and white for anyone to read. The whole situation could turn into a thriving garden, in which case it might be encouraging. Or it could turn into such a huge failure that I would have to disappear in the utter humiliation.

Ack. I'm not that brave. But maybe I'll sum it up one way or the other as I go.
I am currently Fabulous
I am listening to tomorrow's headlines

Comments (1)

So light
07/29/2004 09:29 p.m.
Everything feels so light, but that's not the word I'm looking for. Airy. Fresh. Not burdened. Not magical exactly, but a quality of spirit that I never even imagined. I am a word woman. The need to describe this is a hunger. But not a painful one. It's like somehow I was lifted out of one reality and placed into another. Transported out of hopelessness and an almost routine measure of agony, and placed instead into something so much more.....joyful. Maybe this is joy. *laughing*

Everything is the same, but it isn't anymore. I am perplexed.


I am currently Reflective
I am listening to a quiet song in my heart

Comments (1)

Baptised
07/28/2004 05:32 a.m.
I was baptised tonight. I can't even begin to describe it...it's like nothing I've ever experienced.
I am currently Peaceful
I am listening to the quiet places in my soul

Comments (0)

They're going to have another
07/25/2004 10:50 p.m.
My kids' step mother stopped by today. She is pregnant, again. To make a very long and confusing story short and simple, this unborn child will make their 12th child (four hers, six his [he and I had six together], and two theirs[one already born, five months old; and now this unborn child]).

Good grief, Charlie Brown.

I'm so glad I like her. People see the way we get along and don't get it. But that's ok. We all just feel that it's best for the kids if we adults join together to love them and raise them. The whole group of them.

Anybody know how to embed a photo in here?



I am currently Dumbfounded

Comments (1)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries