BK City here we come
09/08/2004 05:26 p.m.
Right back where I started from. Well, at least it'll be a HUGE burden relieved. Getting on with the business of getting on.

Pulled up to the apt last night, after having been in Portland for the evening. Heated debate about politics. I am a terrible ignoramus when it comes to politics. It's pointless to try to engage me for that reason. At best I end up on the shortest end of the "I'm a fool" stick. Give me an "earth mother" candidate, someone kind and prone to prayer, someone who wants to save the whales and feed the children, and that's who I would vote for. Otherwise, everyone is corrupt in my opinion, and one corruption is no less evil than any other. It's just the way of it, I understand that. And I know we can't have an "earth mother" president; we would likely get squashed in a heartbeat. I just can't stomach the corruption is all. Anyway, we pull up, still jabbering our opinions, I look at the odometer, and it reads 66.6. Great. Mark of the Beast, blessing of the damned, author of confusion anyway. *shaking my head* Sign? Coincidence? At any rate, bizzare!

Things are going very well, overall. Still clean and sober, and nicotine free (he is). We are getting to know one another again, and I'm falling in love in a new way. There is a daily turning to prayer several times a day, for thanksgiving, or to ask for guidance, or just for surrendering the day. There is tenderness, patience, humility, admitting faults and seeking to make corrections. There are still some control issues, but with gentleness and counseling we are facing those and working through them. I find that I am still very bullheaded, and have a flashpoint temper when I feel even the hint of intimidation. So I'm working on it from my end too.

I catch myself looking around, and the awe of this whole situation comes upon me again. It's so amazing to me that this is happening. I can't get over how it feels like I've been completely transported from one journey and have been placed into another one with an entirely different destination. It wasn't like a morphing, a slow transformation at all. And even if his transformation is only for a season, I'd much rather spend it with him than let it pass without him, even if it ends up like it might have before Christ came into our lives (and I don't believe we'll ever go back to that, but I understand there are no guarantees).

Kay. Time to get back to work.
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to a false firealarm sounding, pulled by one of our residents

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Sometimes I wonder
09/07/2004 06:44 a.m.
How is it that life can seem so nuts, and yet somehow, someway, I get up every day, slip on my shoes, brush my hair and my teeth, go to work, come home, make supper, do the dishes, go to bed, and do it all over again and again? How is it I think my life means anything when hurricanes are ripping apart lives, terrorists are blowing up children in schools, my own children find themselves smacked in the face with such destruction that they make horrible choices of their own? How is it I can wake up every day and look in the mirror when I've made such a mess of things and been such a terrible example? How is there any hope for the days yet to dawn? Why does it matter that I want to do well now? What kind of a difference can it make to anyone? Will my resolve to live a better life count for anything? Or is it just a salve to soothe this moment and the next, and if it is, is that enough?
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to my husband channel surf in the distance

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Work Day #9
08/31/2004 04:18 p.m.
In a string of 11 straight days. I'm tired, but content. I get to have Friday off, and Monday too (Labor Day) so I can't complain about a four day weekend. Have to take grandmother to Portland on Sat. AM for blood work, a little hiccup in the R&R, but otherwise looking forward to the looooooooong weekend.

Got a call last night from my mother...my brother's 13 yr old daughter has just been diagnosed with juvenile onset Type I Diabetes. Poor little dear - she's going to be alright now that she has an insulin pump, but the whole thing started with a 15lb weight loss followed by a brief but frightening diabetic coma before they figured out what was going on. I'm going to have to keep an eagle eye out for my own children given that both my mother and father suffer(ed) from diabetes (Dad died of a heart attack secondary to complications with his diabetes at the age of 52).

Other stuff going on, but to write it out would just be goofey. Sometimes my life reads like an unbelievable, overdramatic novel. I want my character to be the heroine, but I don't seem to measure up to the standard. *sigh*
I am currently Detached
I am listening to my wafting perfume

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A work in progress
08/29/2004 10:26 p.m.
How many days
Swept past in the wind
That I did not pray?
Oh my Father, how I must have grieved
Your holy, merciful spirit!
Wanton child of heaven
Thoughtlessly frolicking
In ripened field of days
Iniquitous conscience
Careless songs at the top of my lungs
As if I might have a voice forever

How many nights did I lay my head down
Supplication of false peace;
A slow pot, ready to poach my soul.
How many curtains fell upon me
Without the names of my children,
My husband, on my lips
But You have not forgotten them or me
Faithful reflection of my faithlessness
Oh my Father, drenched eyes
Cannot bring back the years
And yet those tears fall on my heart
Finding the soil moist and ready


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Ugh
08/28/2004 05:31 p.m.
I have to work today. Double Ugh. And tomorrow too. I hardly ever have to work the whole weekend. Double Drat. But I'll live to tell.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to my neighbor taking a shower

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My son visited yesterday
08/23/2004 07:39 p.m.
He's 13, and its breaking my heart. I've written it before, he's in so much trouble. I can't detail it here. Suffice to say, enough trouble that he couldn't stay living with his dad, and I haven't been equipped to help him either. So, he's been living with his Aunt and Uncle and grandmother (no other children in their household) in Southern Oregon. He's sooooooo needy now, and so deeply troubled. I'm in a quandry. I want to love him, help him get through this, guide him. But less just over 24hours with him and I'm exhausted. I feel all I can do right now, in this moment, is pray for God's will, and then for the energy/wisdom/power to live with that and/or carry that out, whatever the outcome. He's my child, and I feel responsible of course, but so much of the damage has happened as a result (some direct and some indirect) of his father's inablility to parent all those children all at once (his/his new wife's/their together for a total of 8 children with one on the way). The vigilance needed to have kept my son supervised simply wasn't there, and I didn't think at the time that taking any of the kids was an option. Now I don't know. So, prayer, prayer and more prayer.
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to lunch hour race past me

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Silly little nothing that belongs nowhere I know
08/21/2004 10:09 a.m.
Sir, can you spare some change?
I’m stuck here
I little down on my fortune
Errrrr, luck, I meant to say luck
I’m down on my luck here
And I could sure use a tip or two
Nooooo, I won’t use it to buy a cruise
Errr, BRUISE….I meant to say
WAIT
BOOZE I meant.
I won’t use it to buy booze.

Please, sir.
I have children in Rome
Uhhhhhiiiiii….I mean,
Children AT HOME
Ya, seeeeeee
And this fake bloat
Errrrrr
Fur COAT….
I mean…GOD
Root beer float
It’s all I’ve had to eat all day
And they’re waiting for me,
Those kids
To walk through that front door being funny
Errrrrr,
GEEEZE
I meant with MONEY

So do you have a quarter to spare?
A dollar?
A twenty?
We sure could use it mister…
We sure could use some change around here.

I am currently Odd
I am listening to a far away siren

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I want to write!!!
08/20/2004 06:22 p.m.


But I'm soooooooooooo slammed today! FOUR to FIVE admits!! Shoot, TWO admits makes for a crazy day, I won't get much more than small tiny breaks.

Well, the muse will have to wait. *praying* please don't let my muse fade away, please don't let me my muse fade away...hehehe.
Of course, I AM getting paid to work....LOL!!!!

I am currently Wild
I am listening to oldies in the background

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Back to school!!!
08/18/2004 08:09 p.m.


I'm going to be a student again! YAY!! I can't wait! Though, I'm ashamed to admit that I FLOPPED my math placement test. I don't have to go ALL the way back, but TWO classes before I can take the one that will count toward my Nursing Degree. Ack! Double Ack!! It's alright, though, I actually love math. I just forget.....let's see.....what DID I forget? Oh YA!!! THE STUFF I NEVER USED!!!! (Why I have to take it AGAIN I don't understand, but I managed to understand it the first time around, so I'm willing to go there again!!!)

I feel so giddy!! Since I'm still working full time, I'm only taking two classes, for goodness sake!! Math (I have to physically attend that class) and Sociology (I get to take that one online...but I don't know if I really like the idea of an online class. How do you get to know your instructor? How do you have class discussions? How do you gauge what the instructor wants if you can't watch him interact with the other students? Hmmmmmm......) It should be interesting at any rate!

Life is going well. John and I are considering re-uniting (dragging his butt back OUT of the Nobody Bin....LOL!!!) Seriously, though, it's like getting to know a different person entirely. This man is peaceful. He's surrendering daily to God's will in his life, something I NEVER would have thought possible. He was the MOST self-willed, selfish person I had ever met. Of course, time will tell. And time is something I have plenty of, so it's easy to give it time.

I've felt pretty horrible lately for the relationship seeking I did during our separation, but I honestly thought I was a free woman, free to pursue things as a single person might. I had placed myself in the "I'm not bound to my marriage because I'm filing for a divorce" category. Now I'm wondering if such a category (morally speaking) truly exists. If I could have a do-over, I certainly wouldn't advocate finding or creating such a category. The consequences have been pretty painful all around. Last month, when pulling the plug on my marriage was halted at the last minute (just shy of its last breath since I already had the divorce papers filled out and simply had to go file them) I cut off the "potential" romances (I never did officially begin any real romance with anyone, just alot of conversation and one brief but intense encounter). Looking back, I think it wasn't fair of me to extend myself the way I did. I'm grateful I never actually...well...you know...but if I'd had any notion AT ALL that my marriage might have been saved, I would NEVER have even had conversations!!! Moral of the story, since apparently I just didn't KNOW, I shouldn't have PRESUMED anything. I feel so very very sorry if anyone was hurt! It may be giving myself more importance than I actually had in those conversations, but just in case, it should be said.


I am currently Embarrassed
I am listening to someone tearing through my "Love Gone South" folder

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Day #6
08/18/2004 04:00 p.m.
The longest he's been without a cigarette in over 20 years. I'm speechless, other than to give the praises to God.
I am currently Amazed

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