Life is just crazy!
10/07/2005 02:55 a.m.
Crazy busy! I can't believe I can't even get in here to post the poetry I've been writing - BY HAND - at home!!! It sucks not to be able to write as thoughts occur to me.

Well, I'm not dating. Anyone. Ugh. It's just so discouraging out there in the single/dating world. One guy told me "sorry, babe, three strikes and you're out. I wouldn't marry you if you were the last woman on the planet." Well, first of all, who the hell was asking him to marry me? Second of all, life must be pretty darn peachy in Perfect. Ah, see???? My next poem and not enough time to write it. Well, maybe....Anyway, I'm such a ninny. I cried myself to sleep, as if his categoric rejection meant something when in my heart of hearts, of course it means nothing at all except that there's one less single jerk to worry about hooking up with. Even my broken "picker" wasn't needed for that one! At any rate, dating is just not a good idea. I don't know how I let myself get sidetracked to begin with, other than sometimes the idea of not being lonely sounds good enough that I get silly I guess.

On a positive note....the three teenagers that live with me are brining home A's and B's!!! That's such an awesome thing!!! They are such wonderful souls, and I am so blessed to be with them!

And on another positive note, my job is going wonderfully. It's a VERY busy office, and the physician I work for (she is a WONDERFUL woman!!!) took me to lunch today and told me that I set a very peaceful tone at the office, and that feels lovely to me! Hoooooray!!

Ok. Gotta run. It's nearly 8pm and I haven't been home yet today.


I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to my post nasal drip. Ugh.

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I've lost 53 pounds!!!! And have a new job!!!
09/12/2005 06:34 p.m.

The same physician that I am doing transcription for has also hired me as a Medical Assistant! She's going to train me and send me to school for little classes as needed and I couldn't be more tickled! I feel so very blessed! I mean, this is training that will serve me and the people I get to help care for so very nicely!

In other news, I got stood up last Thursday night! I drove 84 miles to Portland to meet this person, and they never showed! I mean, it's actually a good thing, because THAT kind of person isn't the kind of person I want to hang out with anyhow! Bunch of weirdos and koo-koos out there!! I don't imagine I'm actually ready to date anyway, so perhaps I'm just being protected by having that kind of experience because my guardian guides are looking out for me! WHEW!!!

The kids are in school again and back in book mode. The summer was far too short!

And, oh yeah, I've now lost 53 pounds!!!



I am currently Blessed
I am listening to my quiet thoughts

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Nothing earthshattering
09/06/2005 06:01 p.m.

Celeste and I and my uncle went into Portland yesterday to two of our favorite bookstores, Powell's and the New Renessance Bookstore. I spent money that could have gone to other places, but it's been YEARS since I've splurged that way, and I'm sure it will be fine. I bought a Medicine Wheel Workbook by Sun Bear (with Wabun Wind), a meditation book for my 14 yr old son, and some AWESOME incense - a compresssed mix of sage, sweetgrass, cedar and copal with no added chemicals. OMG! My room smells SOOOOOO wonderful!!! I love walking into it, it takes me immediately to a sense of calm and spirit.

I had a bbq at my house on Sunday, and, joy of joys, my oldest son (who has not been communicating with me for some time) showed up. He is so awesome, and I was so blessed that he came and actually shared some of his life with me.

I am loving life :-)
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to the country music station my co-worker picked

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I'm so blessed!
09/02/2005 04:56 p.m.

So, I get to my doctor's appt, and of course, she asks me about the medication I can't afford. I him-haw around about it, and finally tell her it's because I don't have insurance right now and can't afford it. Do you know what she did? Right then and there, she calls the pharmacy, orders a 3 month supply of this medication and PUTS IT ON HER OWN CREDIT CARD!!!! At first, I was horrified! I argued with her, I told her maybe I could get a family member to help me pay for it, I didn't need it that bad....and she wouldn't HEAR of it!! THEN, she puts "no charge" on the office visit billing slip. Then she informs that I have just as much to offer her as she does to me, and offers to allow me to paint some fences at her house to help cover the fees. I was FLOORED, and awestruck, and so grateful for being cared for.

But that's not all. This morning, my auntie shows up at my house and says, "C'mon, Al, let's go get some tires for your car" (because I was still riding around on the spare from the blow out last week and had NO idea what I was going to do about it). So, she hauls me off to Les Schwab, and buys me the 100,000 mile tires, the BEST tires Les Schwab stocks.

How could I have, for even five seconds, felt depressed or discouraged in the face of such amazing kindness and generosity? I see myself sometimes, stuck and tired, and the TRUTH is that up ahead, sometimes a very short distance indeed, there is a blessing (or two.....or more).

And today, prayers and prayers and prayers for the hurricane victims.
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to my amazingly wonderful physician

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I think I'm officially depressed
09/01/2005 04:45 p.m.

I took my work home last night, thinking it would be so cool to be able to work there. Right. I transcribed about four hours worth of tape, went to save it to a floppy, and lost my hard drive altogether. That was at about midnight. I worked until nearly two trying to see if I could recover the hard drive on my own, and then spent until 3 am crying.

Let's face it. It's just been a sucky year. The unsuccessful getting back together with hubby, then surgery, the long recovery, losing my job, finally losing my marriage, not finding full time work yet and having to rely on my grandmother for financial boosts here and there. There is good stuff, like my son coming to live with me, but boy....for the most part, this year has been littered with hard, hard stuff. And today I'm tired.

Plus, I have an appointment (which I can't afford) with my physician today to follow up on the strep throat I've had (which is hanging in there despite the antibitotics), and she's sort of a Ghestapo when it comes to her patients taking care of themselves. I haven't had the money for the diabetic medication I know she's going to ask me about, and even though my blood sugars are not WAY out of wack, they're still too high and I feel pretty flippin lame about it. I don't want to go in there. I'm depressed and she's never seen me depressed. She'll just want to write me a script for an antidepressant that I don't believe in taking for just situational depression. So of course I'll just tell her what I know....that this too shall pass, and in a while I'll feel better.

I decided that if someone came along that wanted to, I would let them take care of me right now. It's something I feel I've never really had, and I've spent my life trying to make up for it by finding someone I could take care of instead. I know I need to take care of me, but I'm so discouraged right now that I just might....well, at any rate, today it's a mute point.

*sigh*




I am currently Depressed
I am listening to my face get puffier

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Sore throat my achin' butt!!
08/31/2005 03:45 p.m.

Ok, so my "sore throat" turned out to be strep!! Yucky, icky, sleep for days and days, sick girl. My kids were so wonderful, bringing me chicken noodle soup and taking my temp. Still, I was starkly reminded that I am, in a grownup way, alone.

Today I am trying it back at work. My throat is still swollen but it doesn't hurt as much, and I've been on the antibiotics for 36 hours so I'm not contagious. I want to be well, but I hear my comfy bed calling me.....


I am currently Tired
I am listening to my bed call to me

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A blow out!!!
08/26/2005 09:43 p.m.
I took my daughters into Portland yesterday to do some school clothes shopping at the Mall....well, ONE of the malls, anyway. It was after 10:00 as we got on I205 to head back home, and my tire blew out. I mean, four holes in the sidewall, steel coming out the back blow out!!! What a scary thing.

But, being the AWESOME mom that I am - LOL - as soon as we had the car safely off the freeway (after pulling over, unsafe on the non-existent emergency lane on that part of the freeway, and nearly being hit by speeding semis who didn't see us or didn't care) my oldest daughter had the spare out the car jacked up (before we loosened the lugnuts, but never mind that....LOL) and the tire wrench working before I could even locate the roadside assistance number (which ended up not being in the glovebox anyway). I was very proud of her, and myself for always equipping her with the idea that we CAN take care of ourselves. I contributed the muscle, of course, by getting the lugnuts loosened and actually changing the tire. Very proud.

We had a blast at the mall. The girls shop so carefully, getting the sales and the clearance items, and coming home with LOADS of goodies for next to nothing.

I have a horribly sore throat today, and it sucks. But I'll live to tell....:-)


I am currently Great
I am listening to my sore throat

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A baptism of another nature
08/24/2005 06:46 p.m.

I visited a life coach last night for some help with a dream I'd had. My aunt had had a very similar dream, and BLESS HER, she facilitated the appointment for us. It was very interesting. At the end of the meeting, Vicki gave us a wonderful exercise that we can do at home, and I can't wait to get started on it. It's simply a matter of choosing clippings from magazines, cutting out the ones that speak to your own spirit, and pasting them onto the back of 5X7 index cards, and then using them sort of like you would a tarot deck. Only in this exercise, the meaning of the pictures is totally personalized.

Since I had no deck of my own, I drew from her deck, and I drew the most interesting cards. I drew a girl diving into a pool below some rapids, an exquisite gold watch laden with diamonds on the face(the date on the watch was the 28th), and an asian girl eating alone in a restaurant who was listening to someone on the cell phone she was holding. I found it to be very interesting!!!

My aunt drew an oyster shell with two pearls that looked like worlds, a tree decorated with white lights, and three pairs of jeans that stood on their own without bodies in them. Very interesting.

Anyway, I'm intrigued and so excited to make my own cards. Also, it was suggested that the kids make collages of their dreams, as a way to focus and attract what they want for their own futures. I LOVED that idea, too, and can't wait to get them all together to share that with them.

The ex sent me some emails a couple of weeks ago, and I'm still sort of processing what he said. In one of them, he told me he could no longer pretend that he was okay with what had happened (which I interpreted to mean my spiritual choices), and told me it was my spirituality that "took me away from him". I cannot fathom that kind of thinking as I find sooooooo much beauty and freedom in the way I pray, having my alter now, saturating my room with the fragrance of burning sage and sweetgrass. I always, always thought that when he returned to his spiritual self, it would be to this way of exploring Spirit, and I feel sad that we will never go there together. I feel such a loss for all the years I spent with him, thinking that I KNEW when he one day returned to his spiritual self, we would walk together down that road, only to be told in the end that he never had "that road" in mind at all. I guess I really had myself fooled. Well, it's done now, and it's time to move forward.

Life is good. :-)


I am currently Creative
I am listening to the music in my heart

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Art show
08/22/2005 06:36 p.m.

I went to a local art show this Sunday....it was WAY cool!!! Well, actually, it was way HOT (being summer and all)....about 104 degrees. Hehehe. So many beautiful paintings and sculptures and photographs. I wish I had an extra few thousand dollars to spend, I would love to support their work!

School starts in two weeks. I don't know WHERE the summer went, but wherever it went, it FLEW by! I didn't even take the kids to the coast or Ka-Nee-Tah this summer. :-( We always take at least a day trip to the hot springs. Life is just zipping by. The oldest at home is a senior this year, my step daughter a junior, my middle girl a sophomore and the triplets are freshmen. Oh the years...

Life is good, though. I am happy. I got a brand new pair of Nike Airs on sale at a local sports store, and now I just have to break them in! :-) I can't wait to go walking up at the park!!


I am currently Boisterous
I am listening to the office radio - blech

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I've reached a new shore
08/17/2005 04:26 p.m.

I've reached a place where I am no longer willing to seek a relationship in order for me to feel anchored...ergo, no relationships, at least until I can be sure I am anchored in and of myself. Simple, n'est pas?

Oui.

(Oh gosh, I'm now talking to myself AND providing an answer. Huh. Well....maybe in my case that is a good thing...)


I am currently Peaceful

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