He was an anchor
08/15/2005 03:58 p.m.

I was listening to a song by Shawn Mullins the other day. One of the lines suddenly jumped out at me, and I had an "AH-HA." The line(s) are:

"I am emotion
I am blue
Love is an ocean
I'm anchored in you..."

Well, it's so true! He anchored me. For whatever it was worth, in all the relationship's glory/dysfunction, it anchored me in life. Now, the anchor is gone....thus, the feeling of drifting. It's alright though. I am building a new anchor, one to myself and Creator, and that's perfect.

I finally set up my alter this weekend after nine years of not having one in deference to his comfort. (MY bad!!!) I spent some awesome time there last night, going back in time to love the little girl me, to tell her she is beautiful, to remind her that she is so smart, to tell her she has worth and value in the world, that she is so very loved. I rocked her, I comforted her, I stroked her pretty brown hair. I don't know why, but it occured to me that if it's possible to project positivity forward into our future, why wouldn't it be beneficial to meet up with my "past" selves and make corrections that might affect the now? It will be very interesting to see what happens.

My aunt and I watched "What the BLEEP do we know?" together last night. (I love my auntie!!!) Anyway, there was SO MUCH MORE that jumped out and grabbed me!!! I was amazed. The whole water experiment was just phenomenal, and it made me wonder about my body (which is 80% water), and what I can do to heal it in love and thankfulness. The actual cellular structure can become more beautiful and functional. It's part of what inspired me to go "back" in time to love the little girl me, and the teenage me, and the grown up mommy me who didn't always make choices that were for the highest good of herself or the children.

I spent Saturday at my mother's little studio apartment, cleaning for her. For some reason, she just doesn't have the energy to do it. I love my mother and knew I had to help, but fun? Not so much....LOL!!!

Well.....on to work.

I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to the peace in my heart

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I am resisting
08/12/2005 11:09 p.m.

I am fighting a depression.

It frustrates me when I miss him, when I lack the whatever it takes to remember the negativity that we experienced together, that it's a good thing we are no longer together. How come it doesn't feel good? I want to live simply in the thankfulness about how positive things are now, but today it eludes me.

While I know that what I resist persists, I do believe I'll be successful in remaining joyful.

Ack. Gives me a hairball.



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I have decided
08/11/2005 06:31 p.m.

I spent the last seven years offering my very best to someone who was not able receive it in all the preciousness that I offered it in. I understand that he did his best, and I did my best, but it just wasn't enough.

How do I not ever do that again? How do I keep from repeating the past, living these same lessons over and over as if I seem to love the suffering. I KNOW now that suffering is something I don't have to experience, and I adore the joy. And yet, yesterday I was full of suffering. How was it that what I love and know to be true did not seem to be in my circle yesterday? Did I take myself out of the cirlce? How is it that I allowed myself to be all shaken up by the things he said to me, when I KNOW they were not said for my highest good? Heck, the things he said were not even for HIS highest good!!!

I am beginning to think that it's not just a matter of walking away, of filing the papers, of turning it "off." I don't mean that I think maintaining an unhealthy contact with him is the way to go. I am finished with that. But I guess I had this impression that once the papers were signed and that part of my life was "over"...well, even as I write that, I know that's not true. Wherever I go, there I am, in all my greatest successes and worst failures. I take me with me. Of course I do. But how do I make a better me, a more healthy me?

Ack. I always get angry and frustrated and beat the hell out of myself when he sends cruel words toward me. Perhaps he presents a mirror I don't want to look into....he shows me a "me" that I don't want to see, don't even believe is true. I don't understand why I am still vulnerable to those attacks. He attacks the sacredness of my spirituality. He attacks my love for his children (my step daughters). He attacks my integrity. I feel I should be impervious to him. I know I can get there, for eventually I got there with the kids' dad. But for now, I simply feel the need to protect myself from his apparent instability and inability to keep from lashing out at me.

And in the meantime I feel a little lost, a little bit drifting out there in the sea of "what the hell do I do next?" How do I feel (not what, but how do I live with what I feel, or change how I feel when it's negative)? How do I embace not being in a significant relationship? I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be alone. But of course I sure don't want to simply move into another relationship that has all the ingredients for the same dysfunction I have been experiencing all these years.

Enough.

*taking a deep breath* I write this because I KNOW there is hope,and I want to share it. I KNOW I can complete these lessons and make great strides in my work here. I KNOW my higher self is with me, and cheering me on. I KNOW I have spiritual support, and that the support is holy and good. I KNOW I am on my own right path, and that good things will continue to manifest. I KNOW that I love the joy in my life, and I love being positive, and that these things will triumph over yesterday's little journey into negativity.

I KNOW I have sooooo much to be thankful for. I am with my children and we all love each other, my family loves and supports me, I feel love from and am connected to Creator, I love being alive today, and I KNOW I have divine purpose.


I am currently Better
I am listening to feeling better now that I got it all out

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I've been reading
08/09/2005 06:20 p.m.

So many, many things about the way life IS, the food I eat, how I eat it, my DNA, how to change it....I have been meditating about what to do next. I love my newest job as a medical transcriptionist, but it will only be part time in the long run and does not appear to be a job that will support my family.

The world is wide open to me, and all I really know for sure is that I want to offer myself....I want to be of assistance to those in some sort of need. I have been thinking alot about becoming a foster parent, as I've noticed that my daughters' friends seem to relate very well to me, and most of them end up calling me "mom". I do think that I have offered my children some very interesting ways to walk their paths, and I am very non-judgmental and accepting of their individual opinions and beliefs while still being able to maintain a semblence of peace in our home. There are no major dramas occuring, and I'm quite pleased at this point. My son is a bit of challenge, but he is faring well in my care, and is beginning to love and accept himself (which is something he never was able to do for himself before).

I just don't know, but I'm praying and asking for revelation. I am at such a perfect place for new direction, and I'm open to whatever it is the universe tells me about what might be a positive direction for me to move in next.

I am currently Content
I am listening to dictation

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I got the papers today
08/05/2005 11:25 p.m.

The judge signed the same day we filed, so it was officially over on August 3rd.

I am now Alison McKenzie. I am reborn.


I am currently Fine
I am listening to The books at the library growing older

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Done
08/03/2005 06:11 p.m.

All done.


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Filing today
08/03/2005 02:48 p.m.

The appointment is at 9am this morning. I can't believe the time has come, after all these years of wondering if we were really going to make it or not. No matter how close filing the papers actually got, the fact is they were never filed - until now. It feels shocking, despite KNOWING this day would eventually come. Part of me does not want to let go, even though I KNOW it must be done, and neither of us was happy enough being together. I just never imagined being divorced. I suppose no one does.

We went over the papers together yesterday evening, all was in order. We wiped each others' tears away and said our final goodbyes. At least we weren't angry.

By the end of this week, I will Ms. Alison McKenzie.

I am currently Sad
I am listening to the traffic

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A lovely weekend
08/01/2005 06:39 p.m.

It was wonderful, painful in parts, but endurable. I am learning that the pain of some experiences, if not avoidable, is also not going to destroy me.

And then there are the bright spots of the comfort of friends and the sparkling horizon of new days to come.

I bought two new clearance blouses this weekend, smaller than the last time I shopped and it thrilled me!

Friday night's concert was AWESOME. The guitarist's name is JoeSmith (one word) and he is a PHENOMINAL lyricyst (spelling?) I bought two of his CD's and I would highly recommend his music to anyone who enjoys a modern-folk sound.


I am currently Calm
I am listening to a new song in my heart

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Quite the interesting
07/29/2005 04:43 p.m.

I had quite the interesting day yesterday. My old boss tries to squelch some of my new job, I run into the ex at the same place I go to meet up with a new friend (an ENTIRELY awful moment) and then, in my complete lack of knowledge of proper etiquette in such situations, I absolutely make a mess of things by introducing the two of them. And then my new friend casually informs me that he has invited a woman to come and live with him, and aren't I thrilled for him? I mean, we're only friends, after all, and so of course I am thrilled.

Very interesting, growth promoting, self discovery types of events, eh?

THEN, one of my 14 yr old daughters that lives with her dad runs away and doesn't come back to her dad's until nearly 11 pm, having run away due to a confrontation with her step mother regarding the step mother's alleged abusive behavior toward her children. YIKES!!

I'm a little bit reeling, but, I know I'm going to be okay in a little while. I think it will be quite good when I can have peace despite the.....uh.....whatever it all was yesterday.

Today is a new day. The old boss did not succeed in reaching into my new job to squelch part of it. I got my unemployment, and so the breathing room to find the BEST job is now available. And, I have a good weekend planned. Going to listen to an artist whom I hear is phenomenal, a picnic on Saturday up at the park, and then another hike on Sunday.


I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to a letter

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More gone
07/27/2005 09:02 p.m.

I've lost another two pounds, making my total weight loss so far (since March) 34 pounds, 16 of it in the last month. YAY!!!! It feels soooo good! Plus, my blood sugar is closer to normal (without medication) and my blood pressure is finally lower, normal and stable. Also, my heart rate has dropped some. All such good things!!! Miracles, really. Once I can afford to visit the doctor again and get my regular labs done, we'll see what my A1c is and that will tell if I am truly making the kind of progess I think I am. I am wearing sandals today that were once too tight to wear for any substantial length of time, and I have my shirt TUCKED IN!!! Now, none of you skinny-minnies out there will have a clue as to what that feels like, LOL!!!, but for those who can relate....wooooohoooo!!!!
I am currently Loved
I am listening to local news

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