Breast Cancer PRAYER REQUEST
12/03/2005 02:57 a.m.
The physician that I work for just found out that she has breast cancer. They found a spiculated mass, and the biopsy says that it is an "infiltrating ductal" cancer.

She's another mother to me, and so very, very precious to SO many folks. If it is her time to go be with Spirit, then of course we will all suffer along without her. But one thing is for CERTAIN. SHE SHOULD NOT SUFFER. She has helped soooooooo many patients, even if they could not afford to pay for their treatment. She is genuinely dedicated to the spiritual committment she's made in being a physician, and she LIVES her life in support and service to others. She is NOT rich. She lives simply and practically and does NOT rape her patients or the system to get ahead. She is one of the finest beings I know.

She is acting so strong, but I suspect she is screaming on the inside and simply would NOT EVER let anyone hear it. She won't even let herself hear it. We've started the prayer chains (her employees) that we know of, but if anyone here could add her to their prayer lists, it would be MUCH appreciated.



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It's just not ok
11/22/2005 01:42 a.m.

It's just not okay that the one guy involved my kids, told my son he'd bring Harley parts to help him build a bike, asked my daughters for "permission" to date me. Of course, I learned an invaluable lesson about letting the kids in on stuff too soon (even though they are teenagers and not as vulnerable as they would be as littler beings). I take my share of the responsibility where that occured. However, he could have met them and simply been polite, or pleasant, and not dragged them into the "future planning."

Just more of the lesson, and I'm just sorry the kids were exposed to the lesson.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to my tired eyes

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The whole relationship thing
11/16/2005 05:49 a.m.

I know the universe is beating me over the head with a lesson. I know I can't see the forest for the trees (and all the leave......ing). I don't feel rejected, or abandoned. I am not feeling like I lost something (how can you lose what you never had?) It's just that I wonder about these weird lessons I've been getting lately. I am soooooooo bewildered. They are: Seemingly successful individuals. A whirlwind of intense proclamations for a very short period. And then, with no warning or rude (or warm) words, *poof*. Gone like farts in the wind. Except that, farts, at least, fade slowly (if not unpleasantly) away. Not a word of explanantion about why, except in one case, the guy's work buddy finally called me and told me my "date" had decided to go back to his ex wife. However, the "date" himself never contacted me again.

I know that water seeks its own level. I know that I must have sent SOME sort of message into the ethers for these scenarios in the "dating" world to repeat again and again in such a short period of time. Not ALL the experiences have been this way, but the dates that seemed to go the best and seemed to be the most appealing to me in terms of potential relationships were ALL that way.

One thing that makes at least a modicum of sense is that there was another woman involved (like I found out through a third party in the one situation). And if THAT'S the case, what the heck does it say about me that the most appealing prospects are, in reality, still involved in previously established relationships and are not truly free? I'm not saying that's the case, because of course, I'm only guessing. My other guess is that there is something terribly askew inside myself, and these "dates" seem to stumble across it somehow in the first two weeks of knowing me and they run screaming away.

Beyond that, I don't get it. I am honest about how old I am, how many children I have, what I do for a living. And if it's a blind date, I am entirely honest about what I look like and my size. It just doesn't make sense to start off on a dishonest foot in any way. So it's not like I told anyone things were one way but when they actually meet me they discover something different. I could maybe see it then.

*sighing* At any rate, there it is, and here I am and I'm just beginning to process the evidence. And I'm concerned that what I might discover, though undoubtedly helpful in the long run, is more than likely not going to be fun as I look at it.


I am currently Troubled
I am listening to my tired eyes

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Late again
11/14/2005 10:48 a.m.
Here I am at work, late again. 2:40 am. But I am finally seeing light at the end of my transcription tunnel!!!

I miss the harley, the wind in my hair, speeding toward the horizon and what it might have held. Well.

Reality calls.


I am currently Puzzled
I am listening to the solace of the full moon

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Disillusioned
11/09/2005 08:01 a.m.

It's about time I saw things for what they really are, for what I've truly created them to be. I used to have such high hopes for myself, for my ability to see and do beyond that which SEEMS to be real. Ah. Well. At least now I see my handiwork in all its ordinary drama and fluff, and maybe NOW I can choose to be more brilliant.

I have a headache.


I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to my ears ring

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Got a new puppy
11/02/2005 09:00 p.m.

The kids and I got a new puppy! He's a tiny little cutie, and so smart already! He's a wrinkly sharpe (spelling?)/golden lab mix. My 15 yr old daughter named him "Keefer" and he's TOO cute for words. A puppy to snuggle with is better than no one I think. :-)

Otherwise, not so much going on these days. Working, working, working. Writing a little but since I don't have internet at home anymore I keep forgetting to bring it in to post. Phooey.

Everyone is great at my house, and I'm proud to report it since raising teenagers alone is not my idea of "easy"...LOL!!!


I am currently Calm
I am listening to my quiet office at lunch

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A Harley ride
10/24/2005 09:55 p.m.

I went for a ride on a Harley this weekend. Boy. Howdy. The world is definitely a different place on the road on a bike. The smells of the earth are right there. The wind changes temperature as you pass the heat-soaked, rocky hills vs. the prairie grasses. The bugs dying as they hit my face...LOL!!! It was wonderful, the whole experience. I don't know if it will become a recurrent experience, but the time I spent there was awesome.


I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to a new rhythm

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Here I am
10/17/2005 07:59 a.m.
At work at nearly 1 am. And even now, I haven't gotten nearly the transcription done this weekend that is due. Ack.

On a heavier note (and part of the reason I didn't get my work done) I accidentally received the news that my children's father is moving with his latest family to sunny southern California. Yay for him (is the drip of my sarcasm too loud?), except that with him he takes two of my three triplets, the girls. I am speechless in the anticipated grief of not being able to be with them every other weekend, or every other month even, or every other year perhaps. The expense at this point in my life is so prohibitive, especially given that I am raising our other three school age children without any financial contribution from him. Though I know he has not done this specifically to hurt me, I am very aware that he sees my pain as a bonus to his choice, and it angers me beyond my ability to express it in words. Every time I think there is not one more thing he could really do to cause me discomfort...

I am at a loss. Again.
I am currently Dismayed
I am listening to my tired ears ringing

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It should read differently
10/14/2005 08:07 p.m.
I've decided that Matthew 7:12, instead of saying (basically) "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," should read "AS you do unto others, so you do unto yourself." If we only understood, that which we do to others, we ARE doing to ourself, what a difference there would be in the world!


I am currently Peachy
I am listening to the beating of my lonely heart

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Learning
10/12/2005 07:52 p.m.
Alone time is learning mode so very clearly and expeditiously.

Historically, I have chosen relationships out of a desperate need to be wanted. It makes me ill, but there it is. I suppose some of needing to be wanted may be explained as normal. I just don't know at this point. I am reading and learning and praying, and what I seem to be "getting" from the universal teaching is that "need" such as what I have experienced when I've chosen relationships does not just reflect, but often attracts,an experience of lack. And I what KNOW now is that "lack" is an absolute illusion.

So, there you have it. What will happen next? My own journey and what it may hold, the potential for growth and change as well as the potential for stagnation, absolutely intrigues me. Huh.
I am currently Divine
I am listening to the medical jargon of unfamiliar physicians in my earphohes

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