The dream family
06/29/2006 09:14 a.m.

I didn't realize until this last weekend that I've spent the last ten years trying to build this (albeit imperfect) dream family.

In the dream lives the mom, the step dad (a man of exceptional character, quick wit, high energy, wise beyond his years, smarter with money than me, kind hearted, full of love and always hopeful)my children (who are adored by this man and whom, given enough time and love, grow to adore this man) and his children (who are adored by me, and whom, given enough time and love, grow to adore me back). We have lazy Sunday morning breakfasts full of way too much food and plans for the next weekend and stories of however we spent the Saturday before. We make big happy occasions of mundane necessities like going to the grocery store and doing the dishes. We go to the park and play, bring the dogs and the frisbies and the gloves and balls. We plan simple but fun excursions to Kah Ne Tah to swim and horseback ride, camping trips and the like. We have a big jar filled with quarters and dimes, waiting for the day we drive to Disneyland. We have family night and make lots of popcorn and watch everything from Monty Python to Pay it Forward. We all laugh alot, and even our arguements are solved with thoughtful words and tearful embraces.

Ok, so it was silly and maybe even a little nauseating. Still, it was my dreamy focus for the last many years, and I woke up this weekend realizing that, with my youngest children 15 and my oldest daughter getting ready to leave for Basic training in August...well. The dream has probably been dead for some time, and the blue lips and ghostly palor cannot make use of the life I still wish to breathe into it.

It's a palpable loss, the lump of it hanging out in my throat simply waiting for its cue to rise up and choke me.

It's a corner I have to turn, but I think if I take it too quickly I'll crash.
I am currently Embarrassed
I am listening to the lump in my throat

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Depression
06/21/2006 02:39 p.m.
I've been so depressed. Ack.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to My walk in's foot steps

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Where did the spring go?
05/25/2006 08:10 a.m.
It was 48 degrees one afternoon and 97 the next. Where in the heck did Spring go? I want to know who stole it. Why, I oughta...

Nothing new. Except I've been sick three times in the last two months. Huh. Stressed? Naaaahhh.

My oldest daughter is graduating on June 10th. OMGosh, I can't believe it's here already. I still remember the stoic baby she was. Whenever we'd coo or try to get her to giggle, she'd just look at us like, "What, are you on crack or something? I don't respond to those kind of juvenile antics." Now she's grown up, 18 years old and getting ready to go off to Basic training in August. Yikes. I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not...

Another one of the triplets looks as if she wants to come and live with me. Hooray!!!

Well, gotta run. At work.

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Life is funny sometimes
04/06/2006 07:49 a.m.
Meme, the grandma in "shuffle days" seems to be more and more fragile by the day. She goes in for a bone scan on Friday - seems her compression fracture is "worsening" and has become "fractures" and they don't know why as she hasn't fallen or had any other trauma to her bones. Taking care of her is a much more arduous task than I initially imagined, and I'm feeling the pressure and strain of it in combination with my 30 hour a week medical assisting job and my 20-30 hour a week medical transcription job. Still, the blessing of the whole affair is there like an underground spring constantly bringing refreshment and music to my soul. Even in her most challenging state, she is a delight and a joy. She is an amazingly courageous and brave woman, and I can't imagine going through this part of my life any other way.

The kids are doing so well! My 14 year old son is getting straight A's again this semester and has had a steady girlfriend for nearly this entire school year, AND he's composing music and sketching and getting along well. My 16 year old daughter is getting straight A's despite repeated tardies of 1-4 minutes to some of her classes. She's working at KFC, and is SO proud to have her own money to manage! And my senior, my 17 year old daughter, is good to go for joining the Navy despite my best and utterly useless logic and reason...I'm sure it's going to be a very helpful opportunity for her :-)

Work is changing, but then I was once told that the only constant is change, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It's ok, actually, as I think the changes are going to bring with them better wages and stability and benefits. So it's all good.


I am currently Fine
I am listening to my sleepy eyelids

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Really settling in
03/06/2006 06:20 a.m.

Finally, about 95% unpacked, and all that's left are the straggler, "I don't know why the hell I've carried this shit around for ten years" boxes. Of course, those will all be carefully stored away until, or IF, I ever have the courage.....er, energy.....errrrr, TIME....to go through them and rid myself of all their fluff, errrrrr, memories.....errrrrr, SHIT!!! LOL!!!

(All ye sensitive to naughty language, please disregard that last paragraph)

Anyway, Meme (my injured grandma) is settling nicely in. She seems to really be enjoying the company. She's 87 and from the south, a rather proper lady in her time, so it REALLY surprised me to hear her laugh heartily the other night. But even FUNNIER was what she SAID. She was sort of commenting on how warm her heaters had made her part of the house, and she said, "well, that's alright. After all, I AM one hot mama!!!" Well, of course, I was shocked!!! After all, it's my GRANDMA for heaven's sake!!! But THEN, in the bedroom, she dropped her hankerchief, and said, "Oh dear, I've dropped it. Well, that's alright. Afterall, I AM one hot mama, and we hot mamas always end up having to bend over one way or the other." OMGosh!!!!! I could NOT believe she said that. Then she blushed, and REALLY laughed, and I blushed and laughed with her. She thoroughly enjoyed the shock value of it all, seeing me with my jaw dropped open at her folly!!!! It was hilarious!!! I haven't heard her really laugh like that for months and months!!!

I have to admit, I am enjoying caring for her more than I thought I would. I mean, I've always known that it would be a blessing for me to be able to care for her someday. But when it actually came time to do it, I was sort of dreading it. Now I think I was just dreading the move, because I don't mind doing the things that must be done...making her bed every morning, making her meals, doing her wash, doing her dishes, making sure her part of the house stays tidy etc. And it's so cute, she seems to really like being tucked in at night, and kissed on the forhead. LOL!!! I actually like it too!


I am currently Better
I am listening to my empty moving boxes

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Not much writing going on here
02/23/2006 07:21 p.m.

But we are at last moved in to the new place. Well. Only about 1/2 unpacked, but then that always takes time. Plus, either the new home is smaller than I imagined it would be or I have more stuff than I thought because I as I look at the space available to put things away vs. the THINGS that need to find "a place"....yikes!!!!

I do have my computer in my bedroom at this point, and even though I still don't have internet at home, I imagine I will be able to do some writing.

On a HAPPY HAPPY note, I bought myself a keyboard with just a little of my tax money, so now I'll be able to write some of the music that is in my heart as well.

YAY!!!
I am currently Happy
I am listening to my happy heart

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Almost there
02/18/2006 09:53 p.m.

Grandma is all in, but I am finishing the packing for my house this weekend with the movers coming Monday. THEN we will ALL be ALL IN. WHEW!!! It is an arduous and EXPENSIVE task!

On a side note, I received the most interesting call this last week. Long ago, my legal father (after being divorced from my biological mother) married a woman with five children in step-ladder ages of 16, 15, 14, 13 and 12. My age at the time was somewhere in the bottom-middle. It was a VERY difficult time for all of us, and some of us adjusted better than others. All of us did the best we could given our emotional maturity at the time, but feelings were hurt and anger prevailed now and again. After all, we were teenagers struggling along...at any rate, my step sister, Julie (the youngest of the siblings) has apparently been trying (literally for years) to find me, and finally found me through the internet (of all things!!!). She contacted my kids' grandmother (my ex-mother in law) who contacted me and let me know Julie was looking for me. We had THE most WONDERFUL conversation last Friday evening, and I am SO thrilled to be communicating with her again. She seems to have developed this notion that she was terrible to me in the whole process, which I find to be an interesting feature since I don't feel bad at all!!! There certainly was a time when I longed for my step mother to love me, but that is a long ago healed wound which Julie herself had absolutely nothing to do with. I also had some amazingly awful encounters with my oldest step sister, but even that has faded with the years into comical memories of the drama of it all...In the process, I also ended up speaking to Christine, the middle step sister, who was, true to her "middle" position, always the diplomatic peace keeper of the bunch who advocated for everyone's happiness at the time.

I've had recurrent dreams through the years about my step siblings, always wanting the home I dreamed of to be tidy for my step mother (who passed away from breast cancer so many years ago). It's just interesting, the way life unfolds and some things come back around for a good cleansing :-) I also had a dream several years ago in which my step mother came to me. There was a sheer curtain between us, a chair on my side, and she told me, "I just had to come and tell you - I always loved you and I realize I wasn't able to be very good to you, and I'm sorry." Now, I imagine it may very well have been my own desire to hear those words that created that dream, but I also love imagining the possibility that she really did come to me. Either way, healing was accomplished and at my age, I also understand how difficult it must have been for her, too. I will always remember her as being lovely and funny and precious, and just a little bit fragile at times. A small part of me will always despise my father for not treating her with any recognition or appreciation of the energy and love she gave to him.

Huh. Life is funny.


I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to my memories

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I'm moving
02/03/2006 03:09 a.m.

Grandma is moving in with us, into a new house that I found with five bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a family room, living room, dining room and a HUGE yard.

Holy crap, Batman, I've got to pack and move TWO (count em) TWO households in less than 14 days.

*laughing* It's always a whirlwind with me, but luckily I find the wind to be refreshing, as long as it doesn't rain...

P.S. This is the grandmother I talk about in "Shuffle Days". Well. She shuffled herself right into a fracture!


I am currently Devoted
I am listening to the tension in my muscles and joints

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It's always amazing
01/19/2006 12:22 a.m.

It's always amazing to me, the way I have these "ah-ha" moments, followed (in various amounts of time lapses) by the idiotic experiences of forgetting what I have just learned.

I suppose it's a classic case of "two steps forward, one (or two or three or more) step(s) back. Ack.

Life progesses along, and alone I go forward with it, staying tuned for the progression to creation.

Love is All There Is, and all there is, is love. Huh.


I am currently Amazed
I am listening to the empty office noices

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I've been pondering the destination lately
12/30/2005 01:12 a.m.

This has been the strangest and most difficult year and a half in so many ways - the brief and difficult reconcilliation between John and I, our time at church, my surgery, the loss of my job as the Director of the department I worked in shortly after the surgery, the separation and divorce from John as the final chapter in that seven year long marriage, the permanent custody of my troubled 14 year old son to my home, working in the cherry industry here (considered to be one of the lowest of all jobs available in this city), my brief and unpleasant experiences in the world of "dating", my new job (which I enjoy very much) with a physician who is, herself, very ill and is suffering along in her recovery...it's just been a strange and difficult time.

For the record, "negative" is not where I allow myself to end up, ever. However, "negative" has occupied portions of the process and as long as "negative" is not where I end up, I have been content to allow myself the dip, now and again, into the frigid depths of that portion of the whole experience.

As always, my goal is for myself to end up someplace better...

Let me revamp that last statement, because I have always been in EXACTLY the correct place. My goal is to create a more peaceful reality, and THAT I have some control over.



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