It's snowing and I wrote a little diddy
11/28/2006 10:18 p.m.

I don't know why the whole idea of snow made me think of Father Sky being able to bear children - snowflakes - except that I've had triplets, not identical, and you know what they say about no two snowflakes being alike (i.e., "fraternal" snowflakes). And I don't know why I related the snow to birth, except that everything seems so pure and new when it snows. And then it occured to me that Winter is the equivalent of everything sleeping, the "end" of a person's life, the event BEFORE the spring (or birth). But still, everything feels new and clean to me in Winter. And then I thought about how death and life could be the same events, somehow.

That was my thinking...

I saw a picture of the Warden. He's gorgeous. And he understands implicity how it is that a male might give birth...


I am currently Creative
I am listening to My inky thoughts

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I did something kinda crazy...
11/21/2006 01:32 a.m.

My sixteen year old daughter got her ear double pierced, an "industrial" piercing where two holes are connected by a bar.

On the same day, I got the most delicate little opal stud pierced into the right side of my nose. *laughing* I LOVE IT!!!! It's quite feminine. I feel lovely!
I am currently Fabulous
I am listening to my printer at work take EONS to print this job

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Flying to Chicago...
09/28/2006 05:38 a.m.

My daughter made it through Basic Training!!! YAHHHHOOOO!!! I'm soooooo flipping proud of her! So, my ex mother-in-law and I are flying to Chicago to attend her graduation, and then we're going to go play at Six Flags! *grinning like a kid* I still can't believe she made it, but dang I'm proud of her! Hardest thing she's ever done!

Well, anyone listening out there in pathetic land, please send travel angels. I'm not thrilled about flying, but once I get there, I know I'm going to have a blast. Anyone know what the weather is like in Chicago??
I am currently Excited
I am listening to the jet engines rev in my head

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Mid 40's YIKES
09/19/2006 12:20 a.m.
Next week I'll be 44. Ack. Gives me a hairball.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to my cells aging

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POTD
09/18/2006 04:01 p.m.

Hey, I made it to poem of the day. I was shocked and amazed to see it there! Thank you, whoever voted for it! I actually wrote this poem for a fellow member here, in recognition of a painful ex-relationship.
I am currently Amazed

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I'm so tired
09/15/2006 12:55 a.m.

Wow. It's amazing how unstable the whole process can be, euphoria one week and exhaustion the next. I don't get it, but then that's not really a new experience so I suppose I shouldn't feel discouraged by the shock of feeling so tired.

It's funny. I'm a people person with very few friends. Or maybe that isn't the reality. Maybe the reality is more something like...heck, I don't know. I just know I seem to thrive on connection, and when there is no, true, intimate connection to at least one person in my life, I feel a little adrift. Like now.

Ah, well, nearly 44 years (I'll be 44 on the 25th of this month) have shown me that, like most things, this too shall pass.

I'm going to Chicago on the 28th to congratulate my daughter for making it through basic training. I am very proud of her for finding the inner fortitude to make it!! I don't particularly look forward to flying, but at least I don't have to spend the time with her father and newest step mother. My ex-mother in law is going, and we're sharing the hotel room and a rental car, but that's cool. I've always loved my ex-mother in law, so it's all good. Also, I am sooooooooo blessed by the fact that my auntie and my grandmother have offered to pay for the trip. Wow!

I'm going to go take a nap now...
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to my eyelids try to keep up

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I am blessed
09/04/2006 11:24 p.m.

I am beginning to realize all that I ever dreamed of. It has only just begun to materialize, and it's the most amazing experience! And the biggest piece of it seems to be this process - that whatever it is I wish to experience, I give to another. If I wish to experience love, causing another to experience love is one way to go about having that experience myself. For, and here is the greatest beauty, when I love another, I'm actually loving myself!!! It isn't just that it was written, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It is as I imagined it always was....AS I do unto others, so I do unto myself. Because "you" are only a differentiated, individuated portion of myself, and we are both portions of the whole, of All that Is. Amazing. Another example....if it is abundance I wish to experience, then giving another the experience of abundance is one way for me to experience it. And another truth is realized - that we "receive" what we "give". Amazing. Huh.


I am currently Fabulous
I am listening to my ice cream melt

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She's flown away
08/06/2006 10:24 p.m.

Well. Jessica, my 18 year old graduated senior, is at basic training for the navy as I write this. It's amazing. One minute they are home, safe, children. The next, gone to the Recruiting office where the current Recruiter takes charge of a beautiful child, transporting her to the hotel where she will, the next day, board a flight to the rest of her life. God.

And I, the mother, call her father, and ask him, "Are you worried?" I can hear him shrug, the shrug of a man with an MIA heart, and he answers in a disgusted tone as if answering might make him weak, "Ahhhhhh, I don't know." Idiot. He doesn't even know a diamond when she slices him in two, his daughter, and then marvels at the blood on the floor as if it was not his own.

It is a strange grief, the grief of saying a farewell of sorts to a grown child. It's not like a sadness for what is lost, but more a sadness for what can no longer continue. That passageway, the one of childhood, is closed now, and there's no going back.

I miss her, dreaming last night that she showed up in my bedroom doorway, hair all short and smart as required for her new job, and she just needed a hug. Of course it was me who needed the hug. Ack.

And I pray for her every night, sending her name and the universal intentions for her well being and strength up on the smoke of my smudge bowel and sage. I promised her I would, every night, and so it is.


I am currently Jumbled

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Of course
07/02/2006 10:15 p.m.

Of course it will all be alright.

I am currently Better

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What next...
06/30/2006 07:25 p.m.

And so the question is, what next? I find myself in a vague place where I'm ALMOST done being needed as a mom, not needed at all as a wife, and....what is this? All my identity based on where I'm needed. Ack. It's making me choke like a bad hair ball I've spent 43 years acquiring.

At any rate, it's time to refocus my energy, and I have no idea where to start or what to imagine for myself. Hmmm.



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