Amanda's poem
05/06/2007 04:07 p.m.


This was written by my fifteen year old daughter, Amanda. It's about the situation she just left at her dad's. I had no idea she felt this way, or that she had the talent to express it so eloquently!!!


You tried and tried to weaken me,
you thought that i would fall.
You didn't think that you would lose,
but you weren't right at all.
You tried to take away my life
by making me become,
a person that has nothing left,
a person who is numb.
You actually thought that you could win,
and you almost did.
You were close until the very end
when i began to see,
that no matter what i did or tried ,
you would never trust me .
And so I knew just what to do,
I set out on my own.
You had no idea that i would leave,
you didn't have the slightest clue.
You didn't know that i could be,
much happier than you.
You'll try to tear my soul apart,
yet you will never win.
Because i know with all my heart
that i'm not giving in.

I am currently Proud
I am listening to my child's hidden music.

Comments (1)

It's members only!!!
05/06/2007 03:41 p.m.


I made my last poem, The Ultimate Rebellion, members only. If any non-members would like to read it, please feel free to email me at alisonmckenzie@yahoo.com and I'll be happy to share it.

Comments (0)

He came home.
05/05/2007 03:26 a.m.
Last Saturday he came home. My world is full, gone the gaping grief that draped this last week.

I know it isn't considered emotionally correct to feel this kind of relief, but there is such a freedom in it that I embrace it, cultivate it, everything short of covet it. *hanging my head in buddhistic shame* I DEFINITELY have a preference about whether or not this man is part of my life.

Last night we went dancing for the first time in our relationship. Initially, it was the awkward movement of two people testing the rhythmic slap of choppy waters. But as we moved together, we caught some sort of synchronistic sway and swirl until our movements were fluid and smooth. I had the BEST time!!! He is so sweet to me, but especially last night - asking me if I knew how beautiful I was, whispering little inside observations that only he and I understood, applauding while I performed, holding me close (that kind of intimate public embrace that lets anyone watching the two of you know that you are loved and held in precious esteem by the individual adoring you), sharing those looks with me that say things he knows only I can hear. *happy sigh*

This is truly a bridge I will never burn.
I am currently Loved
I am listening to my sleepy eyes pull me under

Comments (0)

Aqueous Transmission
04/26/2007 02:52 p.m.
This is definitely "our" song. I can't wait to get further down the river.


AQUEOUS TRANSMISSION

By: Incubus


I’m floating down a river
Oars freed from their homes long ago
Lying face up on the floor
Of my vessel
I marvel at the stars
And feel my heart overflow

Further down the river

Two weeks without my lover
I’m in this boat alone
Floating down a river named emotion
Will I make it back to shore?
Or drift into the unknown

Further down the river

I’m building an antenna
Transmissions will be sent
When I am through
Maybe we can meet again
Further down the river
And share what we both discovered
Then revel in the view

Further down the river

I’m floating down a river

I am currently Better
I am listening to Aqueous Transmission

Comments (0)

So I keep wondering
04/26/2007 09:28 a.m.

So I keep wondering if my desire to be a "modern, open minded" woman is just a bunch of hooey. It was just a notion, mind you. I never did truly "arrive" at that destination. I merely wondered if it would work for me. After all, I DO like the way it feels in my skin to be tolerant, non-judgmental and not too affected by the stuff that lives on the surface.

But right this minute, the notion of it smells real bad, and I don't think I can make it to the finish line of that particular exercise in open-mindedness.


I am currently Questioning
I am listening to Stevie Nicks, Edge of Seventeen

Comments (0)

Just so I have it down
04/23/2007 09:21 p.m.

This is my old "about me" on my library page, and I just wanted to copy it so I wouldn't forget what I said or some of my favorite quotes. I've always written. I've reached the conclusion that through this, what must be the middle of a life, the painful portions beg release more than the joy. Not all of my thoughts are melancholy, but those are the ones that usually end up on paper. I'm trying for balance, we'll see.

Some of my favorite quotes:

I have a new favorite, and here it is - followed by my old favorites (still relevant!)

"There are no limitations on what you can think about. So why do you spend so much time thinking the same limiting thoughts over and over again?

Real, original thinking is more than just reacting the same way you did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. Your thoughts can be completely independent of everything else in your life. As such, they can liberate you. Your thoughts can enable you to overcome your limitations because your thoughts have the ability to operate completely beyond any limitation and outside those limitations.

Expand your thinking and you are on your way to expanding the reality of your life. Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do, the first step in the process is to point your thoughts in that direction. Real thinking takes effort – mental effort. And it’s well worth the effort. Your thoughts can lead you anywhere you wish to go.

What you think about the most is what you become. And you can think about anything you want. That’s enormous power! Use it or all it’s worth."

Author Unknown

"It is what it is." John Middleton

"Sometimes I go around pitying myself, and all the time I am being carried on great winds across the sky" Ojibway Saying

"The most powerful thing you can do to change the world is to change your own beliefs about the nature of life, people and reality to something more positive...and begin to act accordingly." Shakti Gawain

Comments (0)

Feeling a bit better
04/23/2007 08:37 p.m.


I'm feeling a bit more like myself, though I still dream strange dreams when I fall asleep. I managed to eat a bit last night, and it stayed down.

I woke up freezing at 4am, knowing I was not feeling my own cold but his in the homeless camp he found last night. My room was a comfortable 69 degrees. :-(


I am currently Detached
I am listening to the undone work on my desk

Comments (0)

I never went back to sleep
04/22/2007 07:23 p.m.


I never went back to sleep after my bad dream. Every time I close my eyes, flashes of places we've been, or things we were planning to do randomly attack my ability to deal with reality. My chest aches. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't seem to stop crying. I don't want to go through today, climb into that bed where we snuggled, wake up tomorrow or the next day without him. We were going to learn to prepare new vegetarian dishes together. We were going to go to Kah Nee Ta soon to swim in the natural hot springs. We had more hikes planned. We were supposed to go grocery shopping this afternoon together. He was going to teach my son more guitar chords. He was supposed to show me some more self defense moves. We were discussing the Bagavad Gita and the Vedic culture. I laughed more with him than I ever have in my life. My children liked him. My son, especially, misses him now. He was helping me take care of my grandmother, and she had grown to love him too.

I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and won't get off.

It sounds like he died, but he didn't. He just had to go. Everything feels wrong, out of sync. I can't remember ever feeling this crushed by a loss.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to random thoughts of him

Comments (0)

I had a bad dream
04/22/2007 11:32 a.m.

I was getting home from somewhere. My aunt and daughters were with me. We walked in, and I saw a funny flash of light coming from the red "message waiting" button on my phone (a phone I don't have in real life). Then the lights flickered off, then on again. A shadow passed by my sliding glass door, and I thought, "THAT'S who's been messing with my energy." And I ran out the front door to try to confront/catch him. He had parked a bike (a motorcycle?) near the street. When he saw me running toward him, he turned and ran toward me. He had an armful of my stuff, little things he thought were valuable to me. He dropped all but one thing, a switchblade that was his, and said, "Well lookie what we've got here," and proceeded to try to slice me with the blade. I wrestled his hand for it, but woke up before anything else happened. I was trembling, my heart pounding and the adrenaline so strong my arms ached and felt weak from it.

So here I sit writing in my online journal at 4:30 in the morning, nauseaus and alone.

Hello, God? Can I be done please?
I am currently Dismayed
I am listening to my blood rush

Comments (0)

Goodbye again
04/21/2007 09:10 p.m.


It sucks to say goodbye. I hate it.

He's on a bus to somewhere else. My head hurts.

Comments (0)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries