My grandmother
08/14/2007 05:35 p.m.
Well, Meme fell yesterday while we were at the beauty parlor getting her nails done, and she broke her pelvic bone. *sigh* Poor girl. This is the third bone issue in as many years. Now she'll be in the hospital for several days, and *knock on wood* barring any infections or pneumonia (which she seems to get every time), she'll go on to inpatient rehabilitation (yet again).

The house is just WAY too quiet without her here.
I am currently Restless
I am listening to my grandmother's absence

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The process
07/28/2007 08:21 p.m.
In this relationship with Miah, there is this experience I have never had before. The process. It's not an all or nothing transaction, it's a development over time of the way we interact, the way we relate to one another, getting to know one another. It's something of a wonder to me, to have this experience, and in the LEAST expected of all places.
I am currently Fabulous
I am listening to a demented resident repeat a phrase over and over

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Staying up way too late...
07/12/2007 11:10 a.m.


Jeremiah and I both have the next two days off - together!!! I'm so excited I can't sleep, but I know I need to if I'm going to have any wits about me when we go play. I wonder what we'll do.....hooooooooowheeeeee!!!!


I am currently Excited
I am listening to my lover snore

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I'm so in love
07/06/2007 03:57 a.m.
I just can't get over it. He's been here for four months, and everything is fresh and new and wonderful. But I don't mean to make it sound like a fairy tale. It isn't. We grouch around. We get frustrated with one another. We grapple with each other's styles and try to make sense of how we fit (and, of course, my ever present analytical "why" do we fit this way?).

I truly don't even begin to grasp how it's possible that we work - him 27, me 44. I hear folks say, "Oh, age is just a number." I'm here to tell you it isn't. His whole communication style is from a different generation, his understanding a reflection of so many components (not just age). He makes me laugh. He takes the fact that he loves me for granted, and I often ask for the reassurance of it. I just can't fathom that someone with his youth would find enjoyment in me and my age (translations - my aged body, responsibilities, parenthood to children that are not his, a small town where no one of his mind set hangs out, my routine vs. his spontaneity etc.).

Suprisingly enough, we do have lots in common. We like the same music (he likes some old stuff, I like some new stuff). We both love to dance (though in very different styles). We laugh and laugh. We like to hike, swim, compose music/lyrics together. We both love anime. We are both interested in the same spiritual concepts and lifestyle. And shortly, I will be mostly free of responsiblity to others, and that will allow us to follow our passion - traveling.

Anyway, I'm just amazed that it's real. I've known Jeremiah for just about 11 years now. We met in a chat room dedicated to this book we were both reading, and then met face to face a couple of years later. Then each of us spent years apart, in committed and faithful relationships. But we both wondered if we ever found ourselves both "available" at the same time, if we would reconnect. In the last three years, as I've hung out basically alone but playing the dating game, I would find my mind and heart wandering to Jeremiah, fantasizing about what it would like IF we were to reconnect. And then this Christmas, we exchanged pretty generic Christmas greetings that eventually turned into his suggestion that we visit. And the rest, as they say, is history (of us becoming)...

And I'm still amazed.


I am currently Amazed
I am listening to my girls chatter.

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Working four jobs
06/29/2007 03:12 p.m.


Man, I haven't been this exhausted in a LONG time. But only one more week of working four jobs, then I'll be down to three, all with the same employer.

Miah and I went dancing last night. FUN!!! He is such a crazy dancer! But he has such a good time with it, crazy is definitely good :-).

Off to medical assisting...


I am currently Tired
I am listening to the last of the crickets

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I'm frustrated
06/17/2007 08:58 p.m.
I'm treading in new relationship territory, and I don't get it. There is this avoidance of/refusal to talk of the future, and it's like cold water splashed onto my passion. I seem to do alright when I have no expectations of the future, when I stay in this moment. But whenever I look toward the future and want to make plans, committments, it's just not good. Maybe it's my years vs. his, but when I think back to when I was 27, I still had the same desire, to have visions of a future and to build on that vision.

I just don't get what I'm supposed to do with myself here. I'm so afraid that if I just "wait and see" beyond when the kids are all graduated, that I'll be left in two years with a BIG empty nest, no kids, no long term relationship.....and I'm afraid of how it will feel. And here's the real kicker....any decisions I make or words I speak which are motivated by fear always suck....always. Fear based anything destroys rather than builds or makes safe.

In the past (and of course even though it's not particularly fair, I filter the present through these past experiences), a man that avoided speaking of our relationship in terms of a future together....those relationships ALWAYS went away. So of course there is the tendancy to project that outcome onto these new circumstances. But I love the man that I'm with now, even though I don't totally understand him, and....I am ashamed to admit it...I crave the security of committment, even though part of me KNOWS it's basically just an illusion anyway. NOTHING is EVER written in stone. Still, there is the intention of permanance in committment, and that, to me, feels better than this.....I don't know.....drifting that I seem to be experiencing. Well, I'm using the word committment and thinking of what my guy would say....He IS committed to me. So I suppose what the word I really mean to use is marriage.

Of course, even marriage carries no guarantees. Not one. Geeeze, I suck.


I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to traffic

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Just a snapshot
06/12/2007 07:05 p.m.

While the very act of putting pen to paper (virtually speaking) denotes a sense of permanence, I felt it should be noted that most of my poetry is just a snapshot of a moment, and does not necessarily reflect eternal sentiments.

That's all.


I am currently Thoughtfull
I am listening to the local cheesey radio station in my office

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I can't write.
06/04/2007 11:48 p.m.

I cannot write my deepest emotions here today. They are too impossible, and I don't have the courage.


I am currently Tired
I am listening to the wind rattle the door to my room

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Regrading death of a child-June 4th is just around the corner
05/28/2007 03:21 p.m.


It's nearing June 4th again. It's been 24 years since I found PJ's lifeless body, June 4th, 1983. The trauma of that still haunts me. This year, though, in particular, I find myself aware that "the day" is approaching, but I'm not sure what it's going to bring. It's always a suprise.

Of course the first few years that awful anniversary came were very difficult. I relived finding him, but not just on June 4th for those first few years. Then, a few years passed where I would be vaguely depressed and didn't realize why - just experienced a sense of something not being right in the world, and a sadness I couldn't quite put my finger on until a week or so AFTER June 4th, and then it would dawn on me.

The last couple of years have hit kind of hard, I think maybe because the curiosity of who PJ might have been, how his life might have unfolded, have been on my mind. With Joey being 22 and married last month, I really wonder about PJ, if I might have been a grandma already if he were still living. I wonder what he would look like, what our relationship might have been like, how my world might have been altered if he had lived.

And then, of course, there are the memories themselves of that awful morning. No one prepares you for what it might be like to discover your infant's lifeless body, how it will look, the texure of skin...how desparately you must embrace the fact that WE ARE NOT OUR BODIES, for if we were, that would have turned my precious boy into some grotesque monster. A lifeless body is frightening in appearance. That took some pretty serious processing, to separate the little baby I loved from what I found that morning. He had been "gone" for about 4 hours when I discovered the shell he left behind, so the process was somewhat advanced by the time I walked into the room. And it did take some time to dis-associate his body from his essence. I was plagued with bad dreams about some disproportionately large lifeless baby looming behind the closed door to his room for quite some time. Finally, a few months after it happened, I decided to open the door to his room, and then I filled it with plants and sunshine to dispel the death that had occured there, and tried to move back into the land of the living.

For some time afterward, and still sometimes to this day, I feel the "upside-down"ness of the fact that one of my children died while I continue to live. It's so skewed from the way you think life will go. Since then, I've always had this vague sense that I entered an alternate reality that day and the feeling persists, less so now than 20 years ago, but it still hits me now and again.

5 or so years ago, I was hit particularly hard by the depression, and it didn't click that it was June 4th for a couple of weeks. It was a VERY difficult year in terms of the anniversary, and not realizing it was the anniversary of PJ's death that I was dealing with seemed to extend the difficulty, and so I try to avoid that by remembering that the anniversary is approaching so I can be prepared with whatever direction my psyche is going to take to deal with it.

The last couple of years I had a sense of what was coming, it wasn't too terribly intrusive, and so the anniversary passed with relatively little life interuption. This year I don't get a sense of what's coming, and so I was hoping that writing down in here, in my journal, would help. We'll see. Maybe I need to make a journey to his gravesite, although I've never felt the need before. He is not there, only his bones, and I have no attachment to them. His essence is elsewhere.

On that note, I find a couple of things VERY interesting that have happened in my younger sister, Carla's, life that seem to be related to PJ. PJ was my first child, born March 15th, 1983, died June 4th 1983. Carla's first child, Mikayla, was born on March 15th, 10 years later. Then, last year, Carla married Steven, a man who is exactly the age that PJ would have been, who was born on June 4th, 1983, the exact same day that PJ died. Very weird to me.

Well, hopefully writing it all down will ease the stress of whatever the anniversary might bring this year. For some reason, I'm kind of feeling very tuned into that day in the past this year. I feel the significance of it pressing down more than most years.


I am currently Reflective
I am listening to A Winter Snowscape by Jethro Tull

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Someone trolled the heck out of my library
05/19/2007 03:44 a.m.
But it wasn't every folder like what happens with the search engines roll through.

And I know it wasn't members because the members only poetry I have wasn't opened.

I have a feeling I know who it was, and I think she printed off a bunch of my poetry.

I don't get angry often, but if you're reading this (and "you" would know who you are) better get off your high horse and figure it out. I'm their mother and I'm NOT giving in.....and you will lose everything before you mess with my family any more. I've tried being nice, and I've tried being fair. None of it works with you because you are manipulative and twisted. And if you EVER lay a hand on ANY of my children again.....well, let's just say that I'm done "trying to get along" with you. And here's the beautiful thing. I won't have to "get revenge", because when a person behaves the way you do, the universe has a way of making sure you get what you dish out and then some. In the circles I hang out in, it's known as karma. In the bible, it's called "reaping what you sow." Any way you look at it, you're going to get what you put out. Better tell your loved ones to buy some nose plugs, cause I have a feeling it's gonna stink.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to my mama bear heart beating

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