This year, especially
09/25/2007 04:00 p.m.


For some reason, I did NOT want to have a birthday this year. I've never dreaded one quite as much, as a matter of fact. Mostly I think it's having to say, "I'm 45." Has a ring to it that has the annoying quality of a crow outside your bedroom window when you don't want to wake up yet. It's having to move from saying to myself, "I'm in my early 40's" to having to say, "I'm in my mid-40's" - all of it driving me at dizzying speeds ever closer to "5-0". Yikes!!!!

And then my son, Steven, goes and writes that poem yesterday Mother, You're an Angel and everything shifts and turning 45 becomes a blessing. WOW.

Not to mention that Jeremiah bought me the most wonderful book about Aryuvedic medicine (hope it gets here today, he's so worried about it not showing up in time...hehe). AND he did the dishes last night. AND he loves me, which is the best gift EVERY day.
AND my sister sent me the BIGGEST birthday wish on my myspace page!!!! (She and I were surely twins in another life...)

AND I've gotten some of the sweetest birthday wishes from a couple of my dear friends here.

And that's just the beginning of this day I was dreading. Dread was a most misplaced projection for sure!

More as it unfolds today. *giggling* I feel like a little girl on a treasure hunt.



I am currently Happy
I am listening to my 45 year old heart

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Turning 45...
09/19/2007 06:06 p.m.


I've decided I'm not gonna do it!!! Infact, my grandmother and I are boycotting this year's birthdays. She doesn't want to turn 88 either. So, we're just not gonna do it...LOL!!!

Ugh.


I am currently Feisty
I am listening to a panting dog

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Hey, my SON made it into Pathetic...
09/11/2007 03:59 a.m.


Without me even knowing!!!! AND, I've read his poetry, AND it's even quite good!!!!! I mean, is it bragging to say that about my son's poetry???

I'm just beside myself. I mean, very nearly literally....hehehe.


His name is Steven Roden btw, for anyone interested in checking out his work. Hehe.


I am currently Proud
I am listening to my son telling me to read his poetry

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Today
09/08/2007 11:18 p.m.
Today I am tired. There are too many relationships/situations requiring attention, and I can't give each of them their due. Not enough hours in the day, or perhaps I squander the ones I have licking wounds that, in the long run, are really of no consequence anyway.

My discouragement grows, and I tire of all the stimulation, the drama, the ridiculous interactions that have nothing to do with what is really important. I know there is an answer, I've heard the answers, I've created the answers, but I find myself asking the question repeatedly. What is the point of it?
Today it feels pointless.

And that's all...."all" in its limitless, totally encompassing meaning, and "all" in its most minimalistic, sarcastic definition.



I am currently Disillusioned
I am listening to Eternity pass

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To acquiesce...
09/02/2007 12:30 a.m.

There is such a delicious sound to that word, "acquiesce". It means, to me, a subtle and delicate transformation, based on another's influence. To me, it involves water, how water seems to be drawn by outward forces to seek its own level, seems to be carried and yet how, over time, water can affect such profound changes on the landscape around it.

Acquiesce. The french undertone - erotically submissive; an inherent whisper as it passes through lips.

I am currently Erotic
I am listening to the breathless sound of the spoken word

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Update on Meme
08/29/2007 08:30 p.m.
They discovered more nodules in her lungs, and some sort of irritation that has to do with old damage due to smoking etc (there was only one nodule the last time they did a scan, which was back around March). The nodules are still very small, but the fact that there are more is indicative of some disease process that they will ultimately not be able to diagnose at this point since the diagnostic procedure itself is too invasive for an 87 year old woman.

She is wearing down, this lovely flower in my life, and I wish someone could tell me when tending to her will cease to add precious time to her days. When does one properly shift from hope of longevity to acceptance that the end of days is near? Whatever time she has left, it will feel too soon to let go.

She is not coming home at this point, but is going to be admitted to the same care facility where I am employed. I will be able to continue my duties cooking for her, only it will be along with the other 42 residents here at this time. I do not want this place to be the place where she takes her final breaths, though.

I don't feel ready for the sadness that I may have to face.
I am currently Quiet
I am listening to my nose run

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Meme is in the ICU
08/29/2007 03:36 p.m.
She started having chest pains last night, and they did a chest CT and found something on it but they haven't told us what it is yet. :-( Just waiting to hear...
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to my sleeping household

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Total lunar eclipse
08/28/2007 10:35 a.m.
I was just outside, watching. Amazing.

Maybe that's what I've been feeling all month. Crying for no apparent reasons, and for reasons I haven't cried about for years; feeling insecure, and needy; feeling the sadness of the ages weighing me down like the roots of a thousand year old tree; feeling the pointless direction of this society, watching myself try to step out of the procession and trail off into uncharted territory without a map; feeling lost and misguided, but driven to not follow the masses just the same, not play the game by the current rules; feeling dissatisfied with so much of what's going on globally and personally; and feeling overwhelmed by inertia and lack of intention; and ultimately feeling as if something is not quite "right" in the whole scheme of things, as if a major shift is about to take place.

I was just outside, watching, and I realized I have no song in my heart for the astonishing journey of our galaxy and how the magic is visible, like tonight, and how irresponsible that is to be so ill prepared for such a unique display.
I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to the relentless cry of the trains

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Getting sick
08/27/2007 10:11 a.m.
Naturally. *sigh* I think I'm getting a cold or something. Nose started running yesterday, all stuffed up and sneezing and chills and the beginning of a tickle in my throat and mild cough today. I wonder how that will work at work.

Ridiculous body, drawing attention to itself when the real need is the energy to take care of my responsibilites to others. Subversive, idiotic, self-absorbed tactic to take the attention away from others and turn it toward myself. Grrrrrrr. Sometimes being in my own skin is most frustrating. As if I wouldn't figure out what my psyche is trying to do!!!! Selfish, selfish ego...

Well, I'm going to try to go back to bed, but I can't seem to sleep, too hard to breathe.


I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to the ringing in my ears

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Meme and stuff
08/24/2007 09:19 a.m.
Meme is doing better, keeping up with THREE hours of therapy a day, and is scheduled to come home a week from Saturday. WOW!!! That is a fast recovery from a broken bone!

Miah and I had the most awesome day! We both had the day off together, so we went to Ka Nee Ta and went swimming at the hot springs pool there. Mwwwwahhh! Magnifico!!! I LOVE the water, and we hung out both in the river and the pool there, drank wine and had a picnic. He is the sweetest guy ever! *happy sigh*
I am currently Devoted
I am listening to the cool breeze on my skin

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