It's so good
08/29/2008 08:18 a.m.

It's so good to see John (the ex husband) in spiritual mode. His eyes have this kind crinkle around them, and they sparkle with hope and the gentle wisdom that his hard times have gifted him.

Miah and I went back out to the park today to visit with John, keep him company for a bit and take him some more supplies. We spent about 4 hours chatting, all of us, with John and Miah getting to know one another. With tears in his eyes, John gave Miah his most precious current medicine bag as a thank you for the supplies and the tent, and the camping chair we ended up leaving with him today.

I'm just in awe of it.

After talking with one another, Miah has a respect for how I could still care for John as a friend, and John has a respect for why I would choose to be with Miah. As far as their intelligence and creativity goes, Miah and John actually have quite a lot in common, and it was very interesting to see the two of them interact.


I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to the activity at home slow to a dull roar

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When the vibes are good - magic happens
08/28/2008 05:59 p.m.

So, my ex husband, John (we divorced in 1985) is apparently homeless for a bit, between jobs (the new one is out of town, so he needs to move, but has just under a week before he's supposed to show up there), and so he's camping at a native-run park just out of town. So he texts me and asks if he can borrow this tent I have, and I run it by Miah, who reluctantly agrees to help. And then Miah agrees that we should bring him some food, too, as the ex is broke and has nothing to get him by until he leaves for the new job.

So.

Miah and I get everything together, and we drive out there together, and I'm nervous because, hey, it's my current man and my ex, and they've both been leary of one another. Miah leary of John because I had some HARD times with John; John leary of Miah because he's young and inexperienced and John wants him to treat me right.

Well, both of them were wonderful to one another. Miah helped John put up the tent, and John was grateful for the help and respectful toward Miah. It was cool!

And in this whole process, I've become friends with John's current woman, too.

Such amazing healing comes from continuing to love beyond "the end."

I love it when the vibes are good.

I am currently Devoted
I am listening to the universe extending the blessings of love

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Things are quiet
08/25/2008 09:45 a.m.

2:18 am. Things are quiet at my house. It's raining, and the smell of freshly cleansed air - so fragrant.

I PMS'd a little this month, but I think my prayer "to whom it may concern" was heard....lol. No mood challenges nearly as drastic as during other periods of late, and the thought of marriage didn't torture me at all. What a relief! I'm sure Miah was grateful as well!!!

I feel a flux, you know, waiting for a new phase to fade into being. I don't feel particularly anxious about it like I have in the past when I knew that I knew my life was shifting into another gear entirely. Maybe that comes with age, the sensation of observing rather than expecting and anticipating. I don't know. It's strange, but not in an unpleasant way.

Well, sleepiness is kicking back in, so I'll be off to dreamland now. I've put out a request to have a visit with my guide and perhaps an elder during dreamtime. I'd like to get to the bottom of a couple of things in my life, eventually, and from what I've read, it is possible to visit those temples of knowledge on the other side while we are still on this side of the veil. We'll see how my request works out.


I am currently Refreshed
I am listening to the rain

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Comes the next
08/20/2008 12:21 a.m.

Status quo, always lurking just beneath the fray of everyday business. Always the same. Not too much changing.

But I'm a gypsy. Always traveling, me. I figured out recently that I've moved over 60 times in my life, in more 22 different cities. It's taught me to thrive on a certain amount of change, a certain level of newness. Sometimes life just brings it. Sometimes I have to go searching for it.

And some things never change. My love for certain individuals. My craving for permanence in a world that never stops. My dream of being slender one day.

Realistically, I don't think I'll ever have it. At 45, I think the time for making big dreams come true has passed. Reality mostly disappoints, and I'm sure my contribution to it is a major factor. I don't know where I'll end up. Some days I'm good with it, some days it eats at me.

At least I'm not a stark raving bitch today.

I am currently: numb
Listening to: the phone ring



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Just one small request from me to the universe....
08/14/2008 08:12 p.m.


To whom it may concern:

Please let my PMS be manageable this month. That's all. No undue drama or life-changing tantrums.

And if I'm beseiged by that ugly looking broad in the mirror again, please help me to find the one who lives in beauty, and give her strength. K?

Thank you,
Miss Ali

I am currently: waiting for the other shoe to drop
Listening to: Reason



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My little rooney called at 1:15 am
08/14/2008 05:10 p.m.

1:15 am this morning, I'm in the midst of having this horrible dream, (which I can remember nothing about at all this morning), when suddenly my cell phone ringing jars me awake. It's Kate, and she's had a particularly disturbing nightmare as well, and doesn't want to wake her brother. So, we talk for about 2 hours until her sister-in-law gets up for an early business trip and Kate can finally go back to sleep. YIKES!!!

I'm one tired unit this morning, but the show must go on!

I love my little rooney girl. SOOOOO much. She's beginning to come into her own, to realize who she is and what she's made of. She's especially beginning to come to grips with her spiritual self, and I stand awed and amazed at what must be the first steps of her very long journey into self-awareness. I have always been awestruck by this child, this angel who came to "make sure you're (I am) going to be alright."

I knew the MINUTE I became pregnant with her. My being was filled with joy and a sense of peace that I had never experienced before. I could feel her little spirit flitting in and out of my womb, and sometimes she'd "disappear" for days at a time, and then I would feel her rejoin me. The morning I went into labor with her, I was so happy to finally be able to hold her. Her birth was literally the easiest I have ever known! When it was finally time to push, I was LAUGHING because it was so effortless and joyful. And it's just always been this way with her. As she's grown, she's flitted more and more away, until now, she is a young woman, heading off to live with her brother after his baby is born to help raise the first of the newest generation in our family, Atreyu.

She is a remarkable young woman, full of psychic abilities and love for others. She used to be so painfully shy, and now, as she's blossomed, she's turned into quite the caring, social butterfly, able to make even strangers feel welcome in her space. She is acutely aware of evil in the world, and this has caused her to question any belief in a supposedly loving "god" who would allow such tragedies to exist. I know she will find her way, she is just too full of love and laughter and light to be truly abandoned by Creator. She is just one of those souls that you know is going to touch the lives of others with her gift of healing and genuine caring somehow. I truly feel priviledged to witness as she steps into her amazing strength and purpose.

I'm so glad she's taking this time to hang out with her brother, Joe. He is another of my remarkable children, but in a unique way that I'm not quite sure I can ever fully explain. Things have been so rough for Joe, a life he didn't deserve but somehow got anyway. And yet, he has come into his own, too, amazing and wonderful despite his difficult childhood years, during which he was rarely able to just "be a kid." I'm ashamed to say I can take little credit for his success as an adult. I stand in awe of his courage and maturity every day I breathe.

It feels like destiny, for the two of them to blend their lives now, Kate joining Joe and Tamara (Joe's wife) to live with them and basically be Atreyu's nanny. I'm incredibly blessed to be a part of the lives of these brilliant and loving souls.

P.S. "rooney" is my nic for Kate. Sometime during her teenage years, one of her friends started calling her Kate-a-rooney, and so now it's shrunk to "rooney." hehe.





I am currently Tired
I am listening to the television in Meme's livingroom blaring.

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Of COURSE she made it alright!
08/13/2008 03:53 p.m.

So I finally heard Kate's exasperated voice telling me she was safely with my oldest son and they were nearly to Astoria (where he lives). I had to apologize for being so ridiculously anxious. I don't know why anxiety gripped me yesterday, but boy the grasp was ferocious and I seemed to have little defense. It was unreasonable even. The feelings I experienced were so foreign I barely recognized myself. I mean, letting the kids create their own experiences without me being obsessively worried...that is my forte' as a Mother!!! It's something I didn't even have to work hard to accomplish! So me feeling worried was a new experience for all of us.

Anyway, she made it there safe, and no weirdo stories, so it's all good!

As for Meme - her Dr's appt and everything else we had to do yesterday went very smoothly. I was pretty pleased because I didn't fall asleep while I was driving. We left here at around 6:30, got there just after the lab opened at 8:00, got her tests done, got to her Dr's office about 25 minutes early. They took her right in. She has a raging bladder infection. She told the medical assistant that she thought she'd had it for about 2 weeks. Well, that stinker didn't tell ME until last Friday night, and when I asked her why she didn't tell me sooner, she said, "I just kept thinking it would go away." So she got Lecture #293 about how she HAS to tell me at the beginning so we can catch it before it moves to her kidneys.

She also has a sinus infection as well as bronchitis, which I sort of suspected since almost everyone here at home has had the sinus infection and she developed a juicy-sounding cough almost right away. The Dr. said it wasn't pneumonia yet, but she was on her way. I guess with the bladder infection going on, her immune system was just too weak to keep the sinus infection from traveling to her lungs. So now I have saline treatments to do three times a day and inhalers two times a day. But only for a couple of weeks.

We were home by noon. So I had enough time to get Kate some mace and be the one to take her to the Greyhound station, which made me pretty happy. The only frustrating part is that, in Portland, Kate had to empty her pockets and they took the mace. :-( I guess it should have occured to me that a passenger couldn't carry mace on the bus. Well, thankfully, she didn't end up needing it.

AND I got a good night's sleep last night, so I'm not feeling quite as punchy as I did yesterday. yay.


I am currently Better
I am listening to Nina chew her rawhide

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OMGosh, I'm pathetic!!!
08/12/2008 10:34 p.m.

So, I go to put my 18 year old daughter, Kate, on the bus...and I'm a nervous wreck. She'll be the ward of Greyhound for a total of 4.5 hours. I should be fine. She'll be fine!!! But then, I learn that she has to change buses in Portland, and wait for another 40 minutes to board her other bus. Have you ever BEEN to the Portland bus depot? OMG. I have. Crusty old men, homeless folks, predators looking for their next victim. And Kate is a little cutie! I'm not just saying that. She's about as cute as cute can be. She's no stranger to being out in the world, but she's not as bad-ass as she thinks she is either.

And I'm just shocked at myself for being such a wreck. I know she'll fine. Of course she'll be fine. I bought her mace before she left, and she has her cell phone, and the bus driver reassured me too. She'll be fine. Of course she'll be fine.

Tomorrow's entry will make me look ridiculous right now. I just know it.

*taking a deep breath*
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to my reasonable brain reassuring my nervous heart

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Going to Portland tomorrow
08/11/2008 05:15 p.m.

Meme has an apparent bladder infection along with the sinus infection the kids have had. Poor Meme!

So it's off to Portland by 6:30, breakfastless so she can get her fasting labs done, and we're in for a day, I have a feeling. She'll need antibiotics for the bladder infection for sure, and probably since her immune system is on the fritz anyway, another antibiotic for the sinus infection. And all the waiting when your insurance is a managed care (she has Kaiser Permanente).

And lots to do today to prepare since Portland is 90 miles away...get the oil changed and the tires rotated/checked. AND, Kate is leaving to go to Astoria tomorrow to visit with her older brother and his wife, in preparation for her going to live with them when the baby comes....she is going to be their live-in nanny. Which means (I'm just now realizing) that I won't be able to take her to the Greyhound station and say goodbye. Ack!!!

Well, I'd best get this show on the road. *taking a deep breath*

I am currently: rushed
Listening to: someone else taking a shower...rats!!!



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Pics of The Baby Shower!!!
08/07/2008 06:21 p.m.

The baby shower went so well, and I'm quite pleased with my efforts to remain diplomatic and friendly to everyone. It is a well-rewarded effort for sure!!!!

The Cake!! It says "Welcome Atreyu" which will be my grandson's name!!



Tamara, my daughter-in-law, being measured, and her Mama!



My son, Joe, drinking some baby-shower punch



My son, Joe and my favorite auntie in the WHOLE world, Celeste!!!



My girls and their little step sister....Kate, Emily, Jennell and Amanda



Opening presents!



This is my grandson, Atreyu, still a bun in Mommys oven. Isnt 3-D technology amazing???





This is Jeremiah and I. Our relationship is definitely the most challenging I've faced - ever. I vascillate between the good and the difficult, and what I can live with and what I don't want to live without. There is so much good, but so much to work through too. And without the "security" of a comittment, I feel hesitant to invest so much when I feel like the investment is not a two-way street. Well, at least not verbally.



Anyway, the event was memorable, and lovely, and it's a happy moment in the history of a life!


I am currently Blessed
I am listening to Atreyu's unborn laughter

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