So I dreamed that I was being shown around a campus library, by the librarian, but I was aware that I wasn't the student. It was just the librarian who thought I was the student. So I let her show me. The library itself had a very interesting layout, curves and different levels that weren't really like floors at all. Then, Steven (my 17 year old son) and I were hurrying through some corridors, and I wasn't sure where I was. Then, it occured to me that I was in the huge dormitory of the college that Steven was going to be attending, and we were in a hurry to find Steven's room because there was an assembly of some sort he had to attend soon.
Then that dream ended...well....transitioned is more like it....to a big huge hotel where I was attending a reunion of sorts. It wasn't exactly a class reunion, but it had that sort of feel to it. It was a long event, and Jeremiah was with me but had disappeared around day 4 and I didn't know where he'd got off to. In the meantime, there was a really good looking guy there who'd taken to staring at me. He knew me, but apparently I didn't remember him. At one point, as a group we all watched a movie, and the handsome guy got a little friendly with me, putting his arm around me. And then, for some reason, the next day, I went for a walk, and when I got back, I bent over to accomplish a stretch to my toes, and I was AMAZED at how limber I was. And when I looked up, Mr. Handsome was watching me, and I got the silly feeling I had impressed him. Pretty soon, he came up to me and asked if I'd like to go to coffee the next day. For just a minute, I wondered what I would tell Jeremiah, and then I told myself, "oh for heaven's sake, it's only coffee, and that's exactly what you're going to tell Jeremiah - if and when you see him again."
And then the dream ended.
Don't have any idea what it all might mean, if anything...just wanted it recorded. Trying to keep track of my dreams.
I am currently: ill
Listening to: the clock tick-tock toward supper
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I would write but 08/04/2008 05:09 p.m.
I would write of my weekend, but I can't yet, as it might prove too difficult to another pathetic member who suffered a tragic loss last week.
El, sending you lots of love and flowers from my heart.
I am currently Dismayed
I am listening to El's tears
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I don't know the last time 08/01/2008 04:46 p.m.
It's been a WEEK since I wrote a poem. I can't remember the last time that happened. Wow.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to the tick of a restless clock
Thursday night, the dishes are done. The floors have been vacuumed. Nina caught one of the two mice still stuck in our kitchen. Meme's been showered and fed. The kids are all off becoming adults. Money's coming in tomorrow and no one is hungry. Bills have been paid. Not too much left on the "to do" list.
But I still have this itch in the back of mind, like I'm forgetting to do something. My thoughts won't slow down. I have a slight headache. My skin is crawling. Though there is an unaccounted-for quiet in the center of my being, I can't seem to reach it under all the layers of agitation.
The uppermost layer is my most recent fast food folly. Taco Bell forgot one of the items I ordered, a $1.79 burrito. I drive all the way back down (because their phone is busy for the 15 minutes I spend trying to call them) to loudly complain that for the MILLIONTH time, they've forgotten part of someone's dinner at my house, and the rest of the order is getting cold at home just so I could spend on gas what I paid for the burrito to begin with - only, when the guy says, "M'am, I'm terribly sorry, I'll get that burrito right away for you..." I'm so pissed I don't even want the burrito anymore. I don't even feel satisfied that I've finally voiced my supressed irritation (they leave out an item almost every time we order food there). No, I'm unreasonably full of rage at the rising cost of everything, and the way there is no more tolerance inside me.
I get back home to my clean house, and no one is as upset as I am, which pisses me off even more because I realize what a fool I must have just made of myself over a $1.79 burrito.
But there are other layers. And I don't mean to be so self-absorbed, because I know everyone else is dealing with their own layers. But mine are the only ones I really have to contend with...
I can't help the kids with college. I have no retirement. I have no medical insurance for myself for about the 15th year in a row now (the kids are finally covered by state-provided insurance, thank God). I am earning no money of my own. Today I rely on the kindness of others to provide for me while I care for Meme. I mean, sure, she saves about $2,000 a month having me care for her instead of being in a long-term care facility. And I'm glad to do it. I just don't like the fact that in addition to all the money I wasn't able to save while the kids were growing up, I'm still not saving any. I can't get to the dentist (what's new?) for lack of $$, and my smile has the gaps that stand for a life of living far below the poverty line.
And yet I know that, in many ways, I am "better off" than lots of folks, and I truly am very grateful. I have a roof over my head and no one is hungry. Hell, we even have cable tv and internet service! My children and my boyfriend love me very much. I have some online friends I adore. I am expecting my first grand-baby, a boy that my son will name "Atreyou" (Trey for short). My son and his wife are coming for a baby-shower that my son asked me to organize even though we haven't really communicated much for years. My basic needs are all met, and honestly I don't want for much that I can't live without. There are other family members that love and support me emotionally, and I feel very blessed by that. And even though I have some health issues, I don't feel too bad physically.
So my inner selves ride this material world teeter-totter, and it makes me nauseated. Intellectually I know that being bothered by life is only just barely useful, and only just barely under certain circumstances. Otherwise, it isn't very helpful to dwell on things that just can't be fixed, at least not in the near future. I guess I need a plan, which would have been a much more productive idea back when I was 20.
Well, I just needed to vent. It'll all be ok eventually, and life will go on whether or not I can make the needed adjustments.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to my blood pressure returning to normal
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Just some updates 07/29/2008 09:37 p.m.
Some positive additions to life going on!!!
I met with Susan, who is the head of the spiritual care dept. at the local hospital. She has been wonderful, meeting with me free of charge (I guess she does that with any clients she takes on since the hospital provides her salary, and part of her job description is community service). I am so blessed to have the opportunity to have someone to talk to, someone who knows about caretaking and running a family at the same time. AND, she offered the respite services of an organization called Lifeworks, and now, at no cost to us, Meme will be getting a helper every Wednesday for six hours, and it's respite for me!!! I have NO idea what I'll do with my Wed. afternoons, but whatever it is, it will be sweet. :-)
Also, it may sound like a small thing, but I figured out how to get Meme interested in getting dressed every morning. She had been just staying in her night clothes because it was too difficult for her to manage wearing slacks with her bladder issues now. But I went shopping for her, and bought her some dresses...casual-type t-shirt dresses mostly, and a couple of jumpers where she can wear a simple blouse underneath. And she's perked up considerably. She was particularly tickled when Steven, my 17 yr old son, told her how pretty she looked yesterday in one of her new dresses. YAY! One small step for mankind!
Miah and I are calmly and reasonably discussing our options. We do love one another very much, but it's been a very difficult year and a half of both successful and unsuccessful adjustments for both of us. He's still considering taking some time to himself to be on his own and do some healing. But first, we're looking forward to the vacation we have planned the second week of September. We're going to go hang out for four days at an intentional community and donate a little service in exchange for the peace and serenity of the hot springs and the vegetarian cuisine and hiking and wellness/talking circles and such, and then we're going to go on to the coast for the rest of our vacation and just chill there on the beach. The time away should give us an excellent opportunity to really talk about the direction(s) we want to take, and whether or not going forward together is really what we can/want to do. In the meantime, I've decided to just put struggling with "the issues" aside, just chill, and see if I can spend some time "in the moment" simply enjoying Jeremiah's and my family's company. It's just too damn taxing to constantly try to sort everything out, to FEEEEEEL everything. So, I can live with that for now.
*taking a deep breath* I think I need a nap.
Maybe I'll actually take one since the lady who plays the harp for Meme is here, and she has the voice of an angel...
I am currently Quiet
I am listening to the rain beginning to fall outside
Just to recap yesterday's entry since I added this next one so quickly on top of it....
As for Miah and I, we both endured miserable mornings and decided it's just too difficult to stay upset with one another. I still don't know where "we're" headed, but for the moment we've declared a truce while we sort through things. It's a relief for the time being.
Has anyone else out there in Pathetic Land ever taken this "dietary supplement" called Sam-E? I started taking it about 10 days ago, 200mg in the morning, at the advice of my sleep-disorder physician. Actually, he highly recommended it several years ago as an alternative to traditional anti-depressants, but back then I was able to manage pretty well without it, and I am not very keen on relying on either medication or even some supplements to "fix" what ails me. But since my irritability during "that time of the month" has seemed to increase in the last few years, I decided to try Sam-E. The commercials and most of the info I read on it said it had "no negative side effects." But after my over-the-top anger during the last few days, I decided to dig a little deeper.
What I found were a couple of blog websites where consumers listed a number of side effects that were so similar to one another that it seemed possibly more than coincidence. The most common were:
*increased anxiety/panic
*insomnia (with increased vivid dreaming when sleep did come, sometimes nightmares)
*nausea, gas, stomach pain (which seemed to do more with a stabilizer put in some of the brands)
*headache
*increased outbursts/irritability
*increased anger
*heart palpitations
*chest tightness
*"speeding" sensation
*tingling in extremities
*twitching of extremities
*in extreme cases, difficulty breathing
*confusion
*manic episodes where there was no history of mania before
*decreased libido
*"restless" or "racing" thoughts
None of these are reported by the makers of Sam-E as possible side effects! Also not on the box was the warning that Sam-E can deplete vitamin B12 levels, and that a B12 supplement should be taken as well.
I have been fortunate enough not to experience most of these. The insomnia was a VERY common side effect, but since I have the opposite problem (narcolepsy) I wasn't suprised that I didn't experience trouble sleeping. I have, however, experienced very vivid dreaming and went from having NO bad dreams for years to having had several in the last 10 days. And, while I am aware that my irritability due to hormonal changes has increased, the episode the other night did seem over the top, even for me. Needless to say, I haven't noticed "improved mood". But I have noticed a slight increase in energy and motivation.
Not sure what I'm going to do since I'm not experiencing most of the bad side effects, and I am experiencing increased energy. But being extra angry, if the anger doesn't subside, doesn't seem like a good trade. Oh, and when stopping this medication, apparently the effects of the Sam-E linger much like other anti-depressants that shouldn't be suddenly stopped.
I realize that I've laid myself bare here. But it is here I feel most comfortable journaling, and so I may continue if it doesn't cost too much to "air" it out in this way. For some reason, it's extremely helpful. Plus, I've discovered some very sweet friendships along the way, for which I'm very grateful as I don't have any friends here in The Dalles...well, my aunt is a dear friend, and I don't mean to discount my relationship with her at all, but it would be nice to have some girlfriends to hang with, get to know.
I watched the movie "Mama Mia" this last week, and it was actually a lovely movie - a chick-flick if there ever was one. I laughed and cried, and didn't even mind the fact that it was a musical (typically, musicals just annoy me to death). But the one ache from it was watching the mother and her two friends, and even the daughter with her friends, and realizing that, for whatever reason, I do not have any relationships like that; i.e., friends who will show up at my daughters' weddings, who've invested years in getting to know me and all of us sticking together. Maybe it's just fairy tales, but, nah....I don't think so, not so much. I hear about it in others' lives all the time. Anyway, I am glad for the connections I've created here.
Anyway, I digress. What I wanted to say was....these entries are really just snipets of my life. Yes, some of those little snap-shots can represent life-altering moments. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just in my life, but it seems to me that life is full of these "potentially" significant moments, seemingly "big deals", as it were, in the moment. But then they pass, the people get over it, and life resumes much like before, with hopefully the alterations needed to go forward in a more educated and enlightened fashion. Like I said, maybe it's just my life that contains the high drama of a few moments every now and then that, in the end, turn out to be smaller potatoes than anticipated. Maybe they're caused by a surge of hormones, or the full moon....real issues even. I'm not sure.
I guess once it's down in "black and white", it's a permanent mark in the "history of me", but I want my telling of at least this portion of my life, right now, to be authentic. And then, maybe, looking back, I won't be able to minimize or gloss over certain memories. I won't be able to pick and choose my history, because I lived it and wrote it and there it will be for examination in the future, fresh and revealing for whatever it will be worth later on.
And maybe I will be able to identify patterns and tendancies that will help me face myself honestly. It's not easy to do under the scrutiny of a semi-public journal, but I feel at least somewhat brave, writing it here so that if any of the telling of it is useful to anyone else, well, it's available.
The other thing I think I may have noted about life is that there seem to be phases. During some phases, peace of mind and during other phases I don't seem to be able to find that sense of peace no matter how hard I try to figure it out. Does anyone else seem to find this to be the case, that some "phases" are breezy while others are more challenging?
Anyway, I just wanted to say that.
As for Miah and I, we both endured miserable mornings and decided it's just too difficult to stay upset with one another. I still don't know where "we're" headed, but for the moment we've declared a truce while we sort through things. It's a relief for the time being.
Well, it looks as if this thing with Miah is on the shakiest ground ever. Big fight last night after a week and a half of nearly no communication at all. He hid himself in video games and other escapes while I bit my tongue until I nearly bit it off.
Any expressions from my side are mostly angry now, not alot of kindness or empathy in his direction. We're both frustrated. And finally, when communication did happen last night, it was misdirected and bitter, and he said, "until tonight, I really thought I wanted this to work out..." Always before, no matter how difficult things got, he never waivered from his intention to work things out.
I don't know what I want. I don't feel much of anything but anger lately, and I know that's not good. He, especially, doesn't hold up under it. Neither do I, but I'm not very good at stuffing it down until another emotion makes it through the mess.
I think I know how it got to this, and I think I tried my best to keep it from getting this difficult, but I wasn't too successful.
I've lost my sense of desire - of wanting to be desired and desiring someone. Before he got here, I thought, "well, we can try this, and we should know soon enough if it isn't working. And if it isn't working, I won't let it go on so long that I'll feel as if I've lost too much time...." and somewhere back then, I imagined that, worse case scenario, I'd brush myself off and keep going. It doesn't look so sunny now. I feel like I invested everything I had left (which wasn't much, I'm afraid) and now I feel totally empty. Never before have I felt so hopeless or hurt at the possibility of a relationship's end.
We once talked about making it until Sept. of 2009. Now we're talking about trying to make it until September of THIS year, when we have a week's vacation planned, part of it at the beach and part of it being at a place called Breitenbush, where there is an intentioned community that puts on spiritual awareness/interpersonal workshops etc. Just being up in the mountains and having access to the hot springs might at least give us the time and space away from the thick of stress at home to be able to work through some of this without destroying each other in the process. But after last night, I really don't know if we'll make it until then.
I really wish I could see a way to work through this, and I'm working through what I can of my own challenges in life. I've begun seeing a woman named Susan, who is the head of the spiritual care dept at the local hospital, and she's been kind enough to waive any fees for the counseling. I'm walking three times a week with my aunt. I'm having some success staying away from excess sugar, and eating smaller portions. I'm making myself get some things done, even when I don't feel very inspired to do them. I'm journaling. I'm praying. And I think that's about the best I can do from my end. Beyond that, I think the rest is up to Miah.
When things are bad between us like this, the grief of moving away from this relationship consumes me. From previous life experience, I know it wouldn't stay like this forever, but for the moment....there is nothing else on my mind.
I am currently: Disappointed
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Why I'm a Vegetarian Part I 07/19/2008 06:29 a.m.
I have been a vegetarian for just over a year and a half now, knowing just from the inside that this is one way I can DO something for the good of all creatures. I know I've been lame in the past. I know my life has mostly been a nonsense life. But this, being vegetarian, is one way I KNOW I'm at least NOT contributing to the cruelty of other creatures. And I ate meat for what? To fill my belly? Well, apparently, given my overall lack of progress toward significant weight loss, I'm filling my belly JUST FINE without any meat, plus my cholesterol is down and so is my blood pressure.
I know, though, that I can't speak for others. Folks are certainly free to choose to eat what they like. But, some things may be worth (re)considering.
Years ago, when cattle roamed free and raising animals for food was not an "industry", they were not raised in the cruel conditions that exist today as the demand for meat and meat products skyrockets. These animals know so much suffering. And I have to wonder. When we're feeling well cared for as humans, endorphins are released into our systems, into our blood stream and can be found in our muscle and organ tissue. What must be going into these animal's muscle and organ tissue, the MEAT in the grocery stores, as they suffer during the process of raising them, filling them with steriods and antibiotics, and then slaughtering them as they are still conscious? Even if I didn't have moral and ethical issues with this process, I would have to concede, at least, that the chemical composition of the meat couldn't be too good for anyone.
I know animals are considered fit for consumption by many humans, and even I used to buy the least expensive milk straight out of the grocery store refrigerators, reasoning that cows do not have to be harmed in order for us to partake of the goodness of their milk.
However, after watching this video, I will give up drinking milk and eating milk products altogether if I can't be certain that the animals were not treated this way during their lifetimes -
P.S. Immediately after viewing the first video, two of the triplets (Steven and Amanda, the ones that live with me) decided to become vegetarian, while I promptly threw up.
I am currently Pissed Off
I am listening to the echo of those animals screaming
