tangled my hair
09/29/2004 10:02 p.m.
i'm thinking of how your scent carries through
the rooms where you've been and it creeps
into me, seeps
into me, i'm smelling it now
and it's reminding me of everything
i've taught myself to forget

there is truth in all experiences;
beautiful truth, the kind that you learn from—
and i know that there was more truth
in one embrace of our's
then in anything else
i have ever lived through

but you have tangled my hair
and blackened my eyes
with all you've done
and i want to make it clear that saying hello
does not change this
and that asking how i've been
will never change this

and i'd love to know what really goes on
in that brain of your's, i'd love to find
the crevice of your mind where you're hiding
the memories of me

i know they're in there somewhere:
the first time you decided it was "love,"
right next to the way it feels when i touch your hair,
along with my phone number (which you've forgotten now)

and if you could just rescue these moments
you'd know how i feel when your scent creeps
into the room and seeps
into me


*

this started off about one person and ended up about another. haha.

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i knew you wouldn't
09/28/2004 01:08 a.m.
i knew you wouldn't call
but i waited by the phone anyway
dreaming of the sound of it ringing
and then the sound of you saying
"it feels so good to hear your voice again"

but so i've given up
on [you]
everything we had
is [a beautiful memory]
in the past
and i'll leave the pictures
of us [loving each other]
in a box
to collect dust

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i wrote poems about him
09/17/2004 10:39 p.m.
he'll ask how i've been
and i'll tell him of all the poems i wrote about him
"are you serious?" he'll say,
and i'll come to him on my knees, head down
with scraps of paper in my palms
confessing all that i've felt for him while he was gone

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boys a & b, both not so great.
09/16/2004 04:24 a.m.
a)

i'd come home, makeup on my face
and sleep in it -
thoughts of you like eyeliner
smudged on my cheeks
thoughts of you sending me to a
filthy, exhausted sleep

*

he's beautiful now
i mean, more so than before
[i wonder if it's the time away that did that]
[i wonder if i was killing him by not loving him back]

*

b)

i think of him while in bed. i think of everything that didn't happen and everything that could've. i like to imagine that i'd roll over and he'd be sleeping next to me, the gentle patterns of his breath sending him into a dream and sending me to heaven. i think of how i'd touch his hair and cherish his prescence.

he will never know what i could show him. he will never see everything i felt for him. he will sleep alone. so will i.

*

shaking in my seat, i picked up the phone. the dial tone encourages me. i punched in each digit of his number as if it was a sacred part of him. ring. my heart thumps louder than reciever.

"hello?"

beautiful. just like everything about him.

i say hi. i explain myself. the awkward levels increase. we advance to "how are you's" and "what have you been up to's," both meaningless.

the words fall heavy from his tongue until he runs out and i know he doesn't care to say anything else.

i'd like to say, "i want to touch you through this phone; i'd like to hold you close and show you who i am. i want to know you, come grace me with your scent. i would give my heart and the soul in my blood to know you."

instead, i let the conversation crumble. i let my chance crumble. i let myself crumble.

"maybe we'll talk another time."

no.

never again.

my heart will now return to its normal rhythm, thank you.

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i'm weaker now
09/10/2004 01:47 a.m.
remember how tough i was
when with you?
i never cried;
you said it was incredible
you said i was unbreakable

i lost you

and i cried

i cried about everything from then on
and i'm crying just thinking about
how weak i've become

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i called him tonight
09/08/2004 02:41 a.m.
a smile
behind the telephone receiver
fake as ever,
(maybe polite is a better word)
but nice enough.
all choked up and crazy about you
i spew words, my best attempts
at knowing you

god, i wish i wasn't so clumsy
god, i wish things were easier

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september, we are born
09/07/2004 04:43 a.m.
tonight, wrapped in september clouds
you held me
an.embrace.i.hadn't.felt.in.ages
you told me
let's start over
[what i had prayed for you to say]
you said
i'm sorry for everything
[i am, too]
september, we are reborn
as something stronger than ever
september, we are born as
a new breed of love
we now know everything we did not before

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obsessive
09/01/2004 09:23 p.m.
maybe i like you for
all the wrong reasons
and you're probably
nothing special, but
i can't stop thinking about you, i mean
i would give anything to hear you
say my name again

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the city and sunset
08/30/2004 04:37 a.m.
walking down the city's filthy pavement, my eyes follow the clouds to the horizon line where the sun is setting. my heart is throbbing with thoughts of you. i think it's perfect that i arrive at the sunset as i'm passing your apartment, wishing for you to see me from your bedroom window and come running out of the lobby with your arms open. we'd lay on the grass and watch the river shimmer in all its pollution with nothing but our breath between us. but i sit by the riverside without you. i know you are a block from me, but the city roars traffic between the road i'd cross to get you and you don't even know i'm steps from your window. the sun is red, it says to me, go get him but i don't listen.

thump

...

thump

thump
thumpthump
thumpthumpthumpthump

it's raining, now

and i run for cover (the ten foot tree beneath your window, surrounded by concrete)

the sky sends me tears, as if i need them.

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chocolate
08/22/2004 04:15 a.m.
chocolate and all the other things that help me cope with the fact that i'm alone

--

midnight
the kitchen swims in moonlight
and it's only the sound of
the skin on the bottom of my feet
across the tile floor

and opening the cabinets
in search of something to comfort me
i'll find some chocolate;
suck on it through tears

two a.m.
the moon in the window
and my eyes in the stars
i'm remembering how i'm perpetually
alone

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