i always call
10/04/2005 03:22 a.m.
i am weak.
i always give in.
i always call.

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toothbrush
10/03/2005 02:28 a.m.
in the cabinet
behind my bathroom mirror
is the toothbrush
that you would use
when you'd spend the night

and you bent the bristles
quite a bit
but i remember thinking
it was cute

now i use it to clean the scum
off my sink

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part of it
09/27/2005 07:01 p.m.
because
i can't sleep without crying and
because
the pain is too great

i come to you
(i give in)
willing to change
and be what you need me
to be

but your damp eyes say nothing
except for pity
and you say
it can't work.

i say, well,
it's your life.
i just liked being a part of it.

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think.
09/24/2005 03:31 a.m.
the phone rang.

i knew it was you.
i just knew.

"hello?"
it was silent.
(i knew it would be.)
"say something.
anything."
silent.

i knew it was you.

"why are you calling me?"
...
"i don't know."

somewhere down there, you know.
just think.

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re-using tissues
09/14/2005 11:26 p.m.
i'm crying again tonight
in the bathroom
with the door shut

and i'm alone
with the lights off
and the tears
falling into my hands or to
the floor


i'm re-using tissues
.
things aren't easy
.
they never were


when you put all you have
into one
passion,
you can lose everything

so tonight i'm crying

i have someone but he wont
even
hold me close
anymore
he wont even tell me
everything's gonna be okay


i'm re-using tissues
.
things aren't easy
.
they never were

*

rambling a bit.

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discovery
08/25/2005 05:08 a.m.
every blink, a simuetaneous action that
breaks, carves, and writes three words
somewhere deep in my skin.
my veins can feel the outlines,
shapes,
curves
of every letter
because i've felt these before.

i'm that tough heroine lover
you've been dreaming of
i won't cry for anything
i won't frown for anyone
i'm everything and i'm nothing
take me in,
won't you?

***

i just found this in an old journal. i have no idea when i wrote it or who it's about.

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he'd marry me
08/23/2005 06:39 a.m.
i know a boy
who'd sing to me
through the telephone
if i wanted him to
(but i don't)

and he'd write me love letters
sealed with kisses and perfume
if i wanted him to
(but i don't)

he'd drive across the world to see me
and stay up all night
singing to himself
about how he misses me

he'd marry me
if i wanted him to
(but i don't)

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sensitivity, compassion, emotion
08/15/2005 06:04 a.m.
he makes fun of me
because i cry

i remember
crying my make up off
one night
where he forgot about me

it's called
sadness
regret
doubt

and i think
how can he look me in the eyes
and see cheeks stained with
tears
and
laugh?

"are you serious?"
or
"you're kidding, right?"

[no]

it's called
sensitivity
compassion
emotion

and i'm sorry
you're lacking
in those areas

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every part of you
07/07/2005 02:46 a.m.
i wish i could wrap up every part of you
and keep it locked away
in my closet

because

every essence of you
is beautiful
to me

every word you say
is poetry
to me

every part of you
is too precious
to risk losing

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carpet tale
07/02/2005 10:46 p.m.
i've lost everything
important to me
on a bedroom floor

so many voices
of so many boys
precious to me in one way
or another

saying
"it's time
to move on"
while i sit
on the carpet
next to the bed

i've lost too much there

i should dig through
the crevices in the rug
and find my mistakes

i should learn from them

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