Official GF
05/08/2003 06:33 p.m.
C block once again... on the computer "studying for my current events topic." Well, when you think about it, I am studying current events, lol. I'm thinking abut the past week or 2. How all of a sudden the world just flipped up side down. I flipped it I guess. That's probably what happens when you purposely overturn one of the most permanent things in your life.Tomorrow I'm Jordans, official girlfriend, lol. I can't wait for the whole "Um, Trish, I was wondering...." we're both gonna laugh so hard. There'll be no difference between the way we treat eachother now w and the way we will then.... haha. I should say no just because. Oh well, he already knows that any "no" would be an outright lie, lol. I love him. This whole lovestruck feeling is amazing... I wanna take a picture
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to bell

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One chapter half closed.
05/01/2003 05:51 p.m.
One chapter half closed, I supposed. Geordie's bitter, but out of the picture. Morgana's heartbroken, and also someone out og the pic, aside from the fact that she wants to be friends with Jordan (fine with me) and wants us to delay "officially" dating eachother. Kisses have turned into controversy. Apparently I'm a slut(funny, I've never had sex) and apparently I'm a cruel bitch. Odd... because last time I checked dumping your boyfriend BEFORE you get involved with another guy is hardly cruel. Apparently I cheated on him too... what a piece of bullshit. I COULD have, believe me.... but I didn't. And so now he's going around spreading rumours about me. What a jerk. And right after he says "If she ever changes her mind, tell her to call me" to barbara. HA!! After this shit? After all of that? Forget it! I love Jordan. That's just the way it is, because if the difference between the 2 wasn't apparent before, it sure as hell is now. These people know nothing, they feed off lies. I think I'll just laugh instead. I've cried WAY too much this week... The glares won't kill me as long as I have him to glare back with me.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Mathew Good

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Jazz and Tulips
04/27/2003 05:39 a.m.
Holy God, busiest Saturday of my ENTIRE LIFE... 7:45 had to be up at the college for the "West Coast Jazz festival" to play withthe big band. The was so much fun... I played a ballad called "Take Care" (I've said this already) and it turned out WONDERFULLY! I'm working on vibrato right now, which is hard to do WELL to start, lol. Anyways, so we did that, got adjudicated, and got gold at the GRADE 11 LEVEL (keep in mind we're a grade 9 band, for now)!! So that got me stoked. Then at 12:45 I had to be BACK up at the college to play 3 songs for combo, and we also got gold at the grade 11 level, which is SWEET beyond believe, lol. Then I had to be at school at 4:00 to get ready to play at 4:30 for the prom banquet (teehee, I got pics, :P). Would have been perfect, if Adam (that pissy drummer) wouldn't be such a dick and absolutely refuse to play. Like, we choose a song, and he'll insist on a different one, or SOMETHING will be wrong with this one. I'm like "Dammit, I don't need ur stress too!!" lol. Oh but I'm attending a murder mystery tomorrow evening for my gorgeous friend Elina's birthday. As of 4:00 tomorrow night, I will be Miranda T. Shetes, the "beautiful and talented young american actress." and apparently I starred as Miss HardCastle in "She Bends Over to Conquer" (I was like THANKS Elina, you evil girl...)
Haha, I just realized I wrote a lame poem about tulips... oh well, who cares, I'm lame :D. It's not REALLY about tulips...well it is.... but it's about tulips that have made me think, lol. Funny how sometimes you can find almost everything in the places you don't expect...
The next 2 weeks are gonna be interesting...
I'm in my Miranda costume as we speak, and damn do I feel hot, lol. I'm practicing my "be seductive" glances, lol. And the "seemingly-innocent-but-obviously-not" voice haha (Yes, all these things I believe are necessary to be Miranda)
I am currently Seductive
I am listening to my voice, haha

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Prom
04/26/2003 06:20 p.m.
Awwww!
Today is prom, not for me, obviously, but for all the grade 12s at barsby and I'm so sad! I'm so excited though, I get to play at the banquet, and I get to take pics with Barbara at the legion before everybody goes in. I did this last year too, everyone was so pretty! And I'm absolutely STOKED to see all the guys in tuxes (*drool...* lol) wow... they're leaving. That's SO odd... man oh man.... OH! I was in a festival with the juniors of my schools big band (for jazz, grade 9) and we got GOLD at the GRADE 11 LEVEL! WOOT! I got to play the ballad too (Take Care, for any who know it) and it went awesome! mmm... the past few days have been extremely emotional and extremely wonderful... I love and I hate life right now... I think I'm just riding the waves of being 14 and not feeling like it and screwing everything up but loving life at the same time.

I just keep forgetting to breathe, thats all...
I am currently Excited
I am listening to The birds outside...

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Long ass semi-emotional entry.
04/25/2003 04:50 a.m.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I needed to get that out.
God I'm sorry for everything lately. I'm sorry for all of it. I apologized to Adam for freaking out at him, and even HE told me not to apologize, cuz he knew he was being an asshole. God... I care about Adam, he's a nice guy, and I hate having to get mad at him but as a drummer he's a cocky bastard who thinks he too good to play and at times I hate him, even though I don't. I'm sorry that I say stupid things that make other people (person) feel uncomfortable, like today after this "touring grade 7's" thing at school. Arg. Everythings kinda crazy right now. I can deal, but it makes my head and my heart hurt. By caring about one guy, just this particular one, I'm hurting 2 people... indirectly 3 because one is getting mad at him for caring about me. And I don't blame her. Most of all I'm sorry for hurting her. God I don't want to, I really don't, she doesn't deserve it, but when I see him I go weak. I can't help the way I feel about him... and it's getting stronger every day. Not seeing him doesn't help, because when I don't see him at lunch or 'tween classes I'm just wishing he'll jump around the corner. And now she's mad at him, and I want to save both of them from that, but I can't, just like I can't stop whats happening between me and- ugh, this sucks...

But I wouldn't trade the world for this feeling, and that's why I feel so horrible. It's like "hmmm.. the world or falling madly in love with a guy like this...." If you knew him, you'd get my point. I'm smiling any time he's near. it's crazy, I can't help it. I heard he was at barbaras house today, and apparently everyone heard me be like(over the phone) "What, he's there?!" (Half out of surprise, and half at the prospect of seeing him tonite, which I did when he and barb and her bf came to help me). And then I see her (not Barb) glaring out of the corner of my eye and I want to run and hide, or grab him and run and hide, or just hug her and say "It's alright, I'm not in love with him" but lying wont help the situation, now will it? 2 months... 2 months until she's gone (and I'm sad, genuinely, because she's a good person, and a good friend. You'd think I'd be happy that she's leaving, but I'm not.) And you know what else? I'm not all that jealous when I see them together. I'm not like "oh I wish I was her." Thats not whats in my head. I see them together and I'm just happy to see them happy. I want them both to be happy, but that's not how it's working. I can't change the way I feel, and even if I could, I wouldn't. Hard as this is, I'm happy like this. Not with what it's doing to people, but like I said "Him, or the world?"....
Stress stress stress... oh well
no regrets, right?


(ps, my mood is really "confused and yet happily tormented" lol, but evil seems to work well in it's stead.)
I am currently Evil
I am listening to The comp humming, the clock on the wall, and my own "whitenoise"

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Grrrrrr....
04/22/2003 03:30 a.m.
ok ok, so to me it's not really a waste of time to write on this site. If anything I'm saner than I was (Thanks to Barbara, my mentor, lol). Lol, a certain fellow I know wrote about "girls chasing" him in his journal, lol. All I can say is I don't think I'M the only one chasing here, am i? lol, you make me smile.

On another note, I'm kinda scared because twice now certain people have walked in and seen this site on my screen, and thanks to the big Pathetic.Org sign at the top, he probably knows about this site. Not that it matters entirely anyways, because he doesn't take an intrest (poetry's not his thing).
Oh and that same person pissed me off today. I have these faded blue baggy jeans that are SOOOO deliciously comfortable. Last summer me and my best pals Barbara and Jen (Jen visiting from Calgary for a month), took felt pens and wrote a bunch of quotes and sayings and stuff on our pants. Stuff that really means alot to us as well as just personal quirks. To top it off we patched random holes with red and black fabric, so these jeans are no doubt my coolest ones (to me). Well this person (who will remain nameless) comes over to my house today, and he's like "Those are sure some COOL jeans, hahahaha" all sarcastically. And I'm like "yeah, I happen to like them, is there a problem here?" and he said "Oh no, not at all. Hey, how about you and me, go out to the mall sometime, and I can buy you a new pair of jeans ..." and I was like "No. I can buy my own jean thanks. I really don't care if my jeans aren't A-crowd enough for your tastes. I like them, they're on my ass, not yours." and he was still laughing like "Whats A-crowd mean? hahahaha."

It was one of those "oh fuck you" kinda moments. God I hate that. Sometimes he's just so pretentious and rude and the worst thing is he doesn't realize it and wouldn't really care anyways... Such a pity to think that at this maturity level, he's a year ahead of people my age. I think I'll be sick...
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to my mother, like a good girl

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420.... meh
04/21/2003 02:21 a.m.
Now that I have that little religious rant out of my system (hoorah!) I can probably go back to my semi normal entries, lol. Apparently I'm a good friend with occasional lapses... I'm still thinking on that.
I'm still puzzled as o why some of my latest poems have been of a darker nature... Namely Unfaithful and Sin Stricken. they both touch upon morality, which I find kind of odd... then again, I just did an entry that was a religious kinda rant thingy, so maybe it stems from that. Todays 4/20, and so alotta people are out right now become inpaired versions of themselves. Fun fun fun, I guess. Take note that I'm sitting at home right now writing this lol. I don't really see the point. Maybe cuz I haven't ever done it. either way I don't care. I have better (cheaper) ways to waste my time, like writing stuff for you fine folk to enjoy, or dis-enjoy, whatever works. Anyways, easter sunday, time to have dinner with the family :)
I am currently Better
I am listening to Filipino's, once again

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"Ego stroke"
04/19/2003 02:28 a.m.
I've realized I guess i write in this journal to let you all get and understanding of who I am. The stuff I post on this site is entirely real and entirely me, and I was thinking about why it's all fact and not fiction, and thats what I came up with. I'm not sure if people in general at all care about who I am in particular, considerthing 1000 and something other poets on this site, but hey, knock yourself out. I'm no poster child for low self esteem, thats for sure, but I do wonder why people take the time, you know? I spend alot of time on this site, probably more than whats healthy lol. Hold on hold on, ok I retract that whole "no poster child for low self-esteem" thing. sometimes I am... but that tends to fade thanks to good friends and family. Hehe, always there for an ego stroke, lol. "Ego stroke" sounds so dirty, hahaha. God I'm lame :P. ANYWAYS, back to daily life (time for dinner with my parents and possibly an exciting ((or not...)) game of Dominos, lol).
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Shower sounds

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My Belief in.... something....
04/18/2003 05:54 a.m.
Somewhat calm and put together now, I realize that I've been pumping out poems like mad. I don't blame you fine folk if you dont readem all, just cuz it's probably a little overwhelming looking at someones library and seeing and army of green triangles, lol. I've been looking around for something new lately. Sorting through various peoples librarys, just lookin around, sometimes rating or commenting. I'm looking for something to inspire me, and I find pieces of that here and there, but not in one poem, as I'd like. Ah ideologies (I might not know how to spell it but I thinkI know the word I'm talking about)... i'm looking for everything in one piece. Maybe I'll write that poem one day. A poem that'll sum up everything and the sky and God.
Is it anti Christian if I say that I believe that God is in all of us and that we are God, in some aspects? I've tried to explain this but it hasn't worked well so far. Now I'm not any real religion but I believe in something bigger than I am, and in a way equal to my self. I think I think of God as one's potential. Like, people say they are letting God guide them, but when I let "God" guide me, I'm just letting my true self out. trying to get away from the distractions and do what is right. Not that everything is black and white like that, but thats an attempt at an example. I think we have the power to do things we don't even fathom, and that the idea of "God" is a somewhat crude way of looking at what I believe to be something deeper. I'm not out to bash anyone, I'm just venting my brain. What I mean by crude is that anyone can imagine God as a higher power, like some sort of ball of light or energy or essence above us, looking down and watching us. It has occured to me that heaven and hell are in this world, and that you make your own heaven and hell. What worse hell is there then being entirely consumed by hatred of another person? and, for example, what better heaven then to be free of such afflictions? I believe your actions DO affect whether you go to "heaven" or "hell", but in a more tangible sense than I was taught to believe. I think that we are our own god, but not in the sense that we are greater than the whole. We are each a part, not one greater than another. But each of our daily lives effect the daily lives of those around us, and so put together we as a plant and a universe and a material being are God.
Am I making sense? Oh hell you probably stopped reading a long time ago. Anyways, I'm not out to bash Christians or Christian beliefs in anyway, I'm just offering my personal view on things. I try to make sense out of pieces of information I get from the world. I guess it's kind of like the poetry thing. I don't think any one person or organized belief has the answer.
I am currently Odd
I am listening to Natalie Cole

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All this makes me sleepy
04/16/2003 03:29 a.m.
Hahaha, I'm loving life right now. Albeit full of ups and downs ... and despite dreading upcoming decisions, I'm guess I'm loving it all. My heart is smiling more than it was a week ago, even though it's also being ripped in half somewhat lopsidedly for the moment. Maybe it's a phase...


I somehow hope not...
Which sucks, in some respects...
because I feel evil...
is it possible to have evil thoughts?
I used to think that there was no such thing as wrong thoughts, just thoughts. I think I still stand by that, but these ones just FEEL evil. I know they're ones that shouldn't be thought. But hey, "should" is relative, right?
I sure hope so. Because this has never happened to me before. Ever. I'm usually not one to fall into something like this. It doesn't matter, I suppose. What happens happens.
8weeks
I am currently O.K.
I am listening to the sound of clanking Dominos

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