Morgana fanna Fo Fanna
07/20/2003 06:47 a.m.
oooh, the plot! Tomorrow is the day I fraternise with the "enemy." Only, she isn't my enemy. She is Morgana, the girl that the whole world seems to revolve around sometimes. To give readers a quick heads up, she's involved in my world like this: She was dating Jordan for a year. Jordan fell in love with me (or so the story goes). Jordan broke up with her to date me, and I broke up with my yearlong beau to be with him.
***flashforward 1 and a half months***
Jordan breaks up with me, because I've somehow become more of a friend to him, and because he wants Morgana back.
On top of that, I knew her while she was dating Jordan, and she's a wonderful, wonderful person, and an awesome friend.
Just so the world knows, there are no hostile feelings between any of us, unless there are ones that I don't know about from Jordan. Anyways, yes, tomorrow me and my best pal are spending the day with her and her best pal. I'm really really secretly hoping for some people to be shocked at this. I can almost see people running up to Morgana like "*Gasp!* Mo, you don't realize what you are doing! Quick, grab Angela and run! ruuuuunnnnn!!!!!" We're supposed to be the enemies, you know? Because I "stole" Jordan, and she in a sense "stole" him back. But I talked with her one night until 130, just talking about things, about Jordan, about her thoughts on him and being with him again, about life and religion, about everything. A little about our strage likenesses, and how when he broke up with her, she felt horrible because the "three year younger version of herself" had something she didn't, and I found it funny, because when he dumped me, part of me was thinking "He's just going back to a 3 year older version of me, except with something I'm not." We talked alot about Jordan that night. About how we both still care, about how love isn't a switch you can flip on and off. Well, I guess it flips on easier than off. We talked alot and thought it'd be cool to hang out, so we are.
It's odd, we're so alike in so many ways, and so different in others, but now we've been in eachothers shoes, and we understand eachother better than anyone on this situation. Now the four people (including my former) who had been so happily coupled are all single. 2 Are happy with it and 2 are not. It's all so odd.

I can't wait for tomorrow :D

I am currently Weird
I am listening to MSN noises

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.
07/16/2003 05:09 a.m.
I'm amazed and almost appalled at how places and people and everyday life changes. One year ago I could never have guessed that I would be where I am. I think about this and it confuses me slightly. Just looking at the people I knew and thought I knew. Of the way things just felt one year ago. It's different.

I don't know where I'm going with this entry, I'll come back to this journal later.
I am currently Indifferent

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Ugh...again...
07/09/2003 05:27 a.m.
So soon it'll be like this. I'm gonna call her. The two "it" girls who should hate eachother, and instead are just concerned about the other one. The two that are supposedly "rivals" for one person, and instead are just concerned about the otherones heart. I really want to talk with her. It's her opening night. GOOD LUCK! Not that you need it. You have a healthy dose of talent.
God I'm sick of whiny little girls!! I think I'm going to go insane here. I'm still babysitting these little children, and I think I'm going insane. If I hear another whine or see another fake pouty face i might just die. Yes, die. I miss my peace and quiet. I miss Jen. I think I need her right now. Maybe she's the missing piece to all this. Yeah, there we go, thats the feeling. I've been trying to describe how I feel lately. It isn't "Empty", because I don't feel totally empty. But I think now, I feel like I'm missing a piece. A piece that I used to have for myself but got stifled under the weight of guys and maintaining a relationship. Maybe I just need to grow it back. My impulse is to get another guy, as stupid and pathetic as that is. I hate it. I want, almost feel like I need a guy in my life, and personally, that makes me sick. That utterly disgusts me. Yet I know that I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I'm not stable enough, in that I'm not quite feeling that "yes, a relationship would be a good idea right now" vibe. I'm not instable as in crazy. Well, I am a little crazy, but that's not the deal here. Ugh, I feel gross for wanting that intimacy with a person again. Thats just sick. I think it's just odd being single again. I know that I've said that before, but really, it's unnerving after being taken for a while. I, I guess I just want someone that was everything he was to me, to begin with. I hate saying it, but I think maybe it's true. He was my ideal, and he said I was his, until she overtook his thoughts again, and he realized that grass was just as green, he just didn't like where he was standing. I guess I just miss feeling loved. That's the real thing here. I miss that feeling of being admired, of feeling sexy. But above feeling sexy, just being loved, and knowing that love won't go away. I had, and I guess I have that with Geordie, but I just can't be in that relationship. I was under the impression that I'd have that with Jordan, but in less that 3 weeks it began to evaporate, in a month it was a cherade, and in a month and a bit it had vanished. That's hard. When you believe in a love so strongly and all of a sudden it's gone wthout a trace. I guess that's how I made Geordie feel. Oh god... I miss feeling whole.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to dishes being washed.

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The night of July 5th
07/07/2003 04:19 a.m.
** I'm on the couch with him, with my legs over his lap. We're in his house, although it looks nothing like his real house. My dad is in the kitchen, then he leaves. He starts to tell me how much he cares, and that he loves me so much. At this point, I am aware of the fact that we aren't together, and that he loves her. We start to kiss. We stop. We cuddle. there is a knock at the door. It's her, and Barbara, and an assortment of other boys I've never seen. They come in. He looks normal at first, but then finds more and more reason to shy away from me. She is talking giddily about something, with the boys and barbara hanging on her every word. He is hanging on her words too, and suddenly moves my legs, gets up, and sits on a chair opposite the couch, nowhere near either me or her. Suddenly, the boys and Barbara are gone, and its just us 3. She is still very happy looking and smiley. Suddenly I'm yelling "You told me you loved me! Now what? she comes in and you move away? You're ashamed now?! Who do you love?"
"I'm in love with you both!"

her expression has turned matter-of-fact

[her] "I won't take you back."
[me] "So you're in love with me too but you won't go to me because you want to be with her? Yet you still say you're in love with me? How can you say that? We were just together and happy until she came in. A knock at the door and you run from me. I can't stand it anymore!"
[her] "I can't take you back."
"I love you both."
[me] "no, you don't."
[her] "I won't."

And we face eachother in a triangle, no one touching anyone else, and we look at what has become.**

*****************************************************

Shoot the Moon
Norah Jones

-*-Summer days are gone too soon
You shoot the moon
and miss completely
and now you're left to face the gloom
the empty room
that once smelled sweetly.-*-

Of all the flowers you've plucked, if only
you knew the reason
why you had to each be lonely
was it just the season?

Now the fall is here again
you can't begin to give in
it's all over
and when the snow's come rolling through
you'll roll in too
with some knew lover.

Will you think of times you told me
that you knew the reason
that we had to each be lonely?
It was just the season.

Will you think of times you told me
that you knew the reason
why we had to each be lonely?
Was it just the season?
I am currently Odd
I am listening to Nothing

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It's my B-Day today!
07/04/2003 06:10 p.m.
Whoa, scary thing just happened. I turned 15. No more "little 14 year old", no more little grade 9 or grade 10. I'm 15, I'm a senior at my school, and it's a little bit funny. Heh, today was gonna be the day some big things changed in my life. I'm glad those changes didn't take place. Not that I wouldn't have wanted them to, but I think I'm glad they aren't going to. I went to Newcastlr with a bunch of my friends for one of my birthday parties (I'm having another ont he 12th for the people that didn't come to this one). It was so hilarious. We found a spot on the beach and lazed around all day. We brought subway and pop. We buried eachother as mermaids in the sand, we made our own illegal campfire, made little villages and caught fish in the tide pools. We also met this complete moron named Elliott who thought he was very cool by saying "Oh yeah, I'm so hung over from last night, blah blah blah" and telling us about how he slapped this chick in the face with his dick after she had gone down on him. Then we founf out the girl was Chelsea, my cousin (who was there's) girlfriend. We wanted to see how far this guy would take his little show, so we made up a chick named Rachel Smith and asked if he knew her. Well, of course hedid, right? lol, moron. He knows her ister too apparently. Good friends. Rachel's supposed to be a cool chick to hang out with, lol. Good to know, good to know. I got sooo sunburnt. My back and chest have mad, mad tan lines, lol. I'm puttin on sunscreen next time, I dont wanna die of cancer. but anyways, yes,I'm officially 15 today. Hoorah!
I am currently Great
I am listening to a singalong playing downstairs

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"Love is a many splendid thing......?"
07/03/2003 06:52 a.m.
11 days ago I had not a care in the world. Well... not really. I was anxious. Jittery. Nervous. didn't know why, until sometime between then and today things changed. Not for better, or for worst, just different. I got, quote quote, "dumped", but I felt just as "dumped" as I felt "relieved." The jitteriness ebbed away, because I didn't have the anxiety anymore. I wasn't in a constant of state of "does he love me? does he not?" The fact is, if you have to wonderthat for any prolonged period of time, even after asking him (or her) "is everything ok?" brace yourself for a big fat "No, I'm not quite in love with you anymore." I braced myself, because I think I knew it was coming. When you find that suddenly Norah Jones' lovesongs disgust you, and you can ONLY listen to Billie Holiday, your psyche is tellin ya "hun, ya know it's coming." But it's odd, because I feel freer now, you know? I never could quite get it why anyone would be a commitment phobe, but this odd feeling of total freedom COULD be it. Not that having somebody you're in love with love you back is a wretched feeling, by anymeans. It's probably one of the greatest feelings out there. But I'm pretty sure there are some close rivals, like chocolate, after you've had pickles all day (but not right after, cuz then you'd have a chocopickle sorta taste in your mouth...). But seriously, I was surprised and pretty proud of myself when I didn't spaz out. Well... I didn't spaz as much as I thought I would. I spazzed considerably less actually, mainly because I think I knew that life goes on, and that there's more to life than boys (or girl(s), to whom that may apply). And ya ya, those who have been single for a while will say they've been single long enough, but really, when you get down to it, there are pros and there are cons both ways. So make the most of whatever life throws at you, or get up off your ass and change your own damn situation.


I can't help thinking of how much fun toying with free-will would be (reverseably, of course...)
I am currently Content
I am listening to Norah Jones again, between bouts of Billie

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LONGASSFREEWRITE ( read it all, I dare ya. ya won't make it man)
07/01/2003 06:53 a.m.
Man oh man.... so many things to think about all at once. My brain feels like it's got all it's gears turning at full speed and the sparks are starting to fly... yay, my 10 days of taking antibiotics are through! God those stupid yellow pills give you a bad taste in your mouth... so much can change in 10 days. It's weird. I think my life is in fast foward. That's why I like the summer. lazy days, where things aren't moving quite so fast. I get bored when they get slow though. Too bored. so it speeds up again. it's like pressing stop-fastforward-stop-fastforward I guess.... no problem really, I'm just not quite used to having the wind blowing into my face one second and then weird stillness the next. It's very very odd... I haven't really actually truly been single for over a year. It's weird, because I don't feel "on the market." i'm actually happy that I'm single. I don't think you realize how stressful relationships are until you're out of them at taking a good look at your past one night. I kinda feel sorry for people who are jumping from one relationship to another constantly, because it builds up and builds up and builds up with out you realizing. Then you get out of it all, and as soon as the baggage starts to lighten (happens oddly quick for me...) you realize how light your shoulders feel for the first time in ages. I guess it's easier when you have so much else to focus on anyways. Next years gonna be crazy for me. I've got biology and socials and chemistry and so much other stuff to worry about, lol. I passed my socials!! That means that I get to skip my year and go into grade 11 next year instead of 10 (SUCH a relief, because there are very few people my own age that I relate to anyways). so, I have all that junk to worry about, along with the kids I have to worry about... I hope I get time to just chill this summer. Like with jen. I love it with Jen, because we can just sit and read magazines and it's not like we're neglecting eachother, we just dont need to talk too much... well,unless we stumble upon something outrageous to us (like anna kournikova being the highest paid female tennis player at one point and never even winning a single tourney...). Plus, indoor soccer is over, which is kind of a relief. I love the game,i love playing goal, but man oh man those girls can get cliquey. It'll make me feel like an alien. They're all NDSS girls... and i'm a Barsby girl. ooooo, the tension, lol. Well whatever, they see eachother 5 times a week more than I see them, so i guess it;s normal for them to be more comfortable with eachother. My god I'm a friggin senior next year... now... I'm only 14 right now! I'm 15 in five days though, which is entirely awesome. I'm very, very tired of being 14. And at the same time, almost not wanting to leave it. It's been crazy, being fourteen. Having an actual, intimate, close relationship with a boy for over a year... then realizing I wasn't happy, then going for a guy who was going for me for the same reasons, then me being happy and him being not, and him finding out what he really wants (must be a relief)... struggling to pass social studies so that I can be in a higher grade next year, realizing the whole socials course I had taken had nothing to do with the exam... learning the whole course the night before.... Growing apart from Jord, and slowly getting it back together (summer does that), getting to know Barbara again (not that I ever really didn't...), figuring out who I am, and silly little things, like that I'm a big fat band geek, tootin on my sax and playing jazz like the weirdo I am, and not caring. Learning how to play the guitar. Listening to some cool Weezer (i'm a semi-fan, jordan, but I think Barb's hooked)... And just crazy turmoil left and right. Thats alot of stuff to pack into 360 days... now it's 5 days until my birthday. 360.... how odd. Today I guess is full-circle-day. Am I right back where I started? Hell no... well, not really. Not so much a circle I guess as it is a spiral. I've made a full turn, but I'm higher up than I was before, and by no means in the same exact spot. I see the world the same, just from I higher angle. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to figure out what I really want. I knew, but that didn't turn out, and I suppose that if thats what God wants to throw at me, then I'll just have to deal with it. It was for good reason anyways. I need to help these kids. At least a little. I need to get settled into my new room, and into being single. I find it's odd not having action on call, as Barbara calls it. But I don't wanna do what alot of people my age do in my situation (whore out like there's no tomorrow). That's just not my thing. I'm happier being single then making myself feel like a worthless piece of ass for the taking. Nothing wrong with casual summer flirting, but unless something really really special comes along, I'm not biting. That makes me feel a pang of guilt for Geordie, because really, he IS something special. nobody sees it behind what they think is a dumb jock. He isn't. He's just finding his way, the way everyone is. I think I just don't feel stable enough myself for a relationship anyways. The ground feels kind of liquidy underneath me. But Geordie isn't a stupid footballplayer. True, he isn't grown up in alot of ways, but none of us are. He IS something special to me.... he's just not THAT anymore. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, but that's just the way I feel right now, you know? that's just the way it is. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I guess I do because I know what he MEANT to me... he still means so much to me, but I'm very thankful I got out of that relationship. If not then, then never. I woulda just dragged it on, and I'd rather feel wobbly on my feet now then feel like there are 50pound weights attatched to each of my legs. That's what it felt like. It wasn't his fault it did, really. I just need room to breathe. So alot of it is me, and alot of it him, and alot of it is stupid shit that neither of us have any influence on at all. Either way, I'm single and happy. Happy happy, on the whole. Perhaps not every second of the day. I do feel stabbing pangs sometimes when I think of my guitar or certain songs, but they aren't gutwrenching ones like they were on that last night with Jordan. I was aching so much that night, looking at him. Hearing the words. But I was smiling, and my smile wasn't fake. He was gonna be happy, and I knew I'd eventually be happy, and i KNOW that if she let's him, he'll do everything he can to make her happy. So I cried and I smiled through my tears, becuase there's more to life than sexual contact and romantic relationships.
I think I was starting to forget that. I was starting to forget who I was before all this stuff with guys came along. I think if you constantly relationship hop, you forget who you really, really are underneath. And it's that that makes you attractive to someone else in the first place. What are you if you've been in so many relationships for so long that you're just a pretty no one? Maybe thats why relationships can fizzle out in a year or two or maybe less. People forget just who they are underneath, and then don't realize that they've changed. I need to find me again. I need to consult my 12 year old self. She's kind of like my god. she's my conscience. no good, and no evil, just 12 year old me in my head. I was cool at twelve. I was blunt and logical and smart. Not too hormonally driven, but enough to undertstand the birds, the bees, and all the other creatures around me. so my 12 year old me knocks some sense into the now me every now and again. My me as a mom with kids peeps in sometimes too, but only on the rare occaision. Just because I haven't became her yet doesn't mean she's not there and watching me. she's watching me writing this write now, as a memory, just like i can see myself last summer with jen. True, I can't change what happened back then, but I can still look at it, observe, and see what I would have done better. i think that if the present can do that to the past, the future can do it to the present. She's watching me right now, probably shaking her head at my little heart and all it's wayward veins. I want to do things now that will make her proud in the future. so that when I'm her I can look back at now, which will be her past, and be proud of me. That's how I look at it. today is tomorrows past, frozen on a timeline that you can't fix. but tomorrow... well... you can certainly change tomorrow. You can shape that timeline however you want to, but you have to bear in mind that when you look back into ten seconds from now when you're 20 seconds away from here, you'll be looking at a frozen pice of time that you can't ever change.
I suppose this has been a good couple of minutes of your life that I've taken from you and you'll never really get back, haha. Good choice, way to spend you're life. god I'm chatty when you coop me up too long. I have words in my blood, I tell ya. I'm can't stop writing freely like this, it gives me piece. And poetry helps me understand myself. My 12 yearold self puts wisdom in my words now and then, and I reread and find them.
ok, i know this is long and dragging on, but no one asked ya to read it, so I won't apologize. I want to be Pocahontas. Yup, the animated chick from the disney movie. I was watching it last night with the little ones, and she is just so cool. She gets it, she understands. John Smith's a kind guy too. I can see why she wants him. but yeah, Pocahontas is pretty (I was trying to convince Jord that I can look just like her, lol), smart, and she does what she knows in her heart is right. The whole world is telling her that she is wrong, that war is the only way, and she stops a whole friggin war, all because she was brave and strong and willing to risk her head for it. She found her path and didn't just walk down it, she ran, because she realized it was high time for her to get to where she was heading to. I want to be like Pocahontas. She is super, super cool. this is soooo long.

*Gawd Dammit!*

*sigh* That was one long ass freewrite, but I needed all that outta my head and somewhere real.

I'm thoroughly tired, so I'll just re-read this then go to sleep.

good night.
p.s. I re read and ended up writing from "I think I was starting to forget that." To "*Gawd Dammit!*". I think I'll seriously just fill in the title mood, what I'm listening to, and go to bed. Not another revision. Because seriously, if you've read this thing from top to bottom, everyword, you deserve a gold star, or at least a clap (possibly to wake you up...)
I am currently Empty
I am listening to The odd silence thats in my head right now after writing so much

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lack of poetry :(
06/30/2003 07:53 p.m.
Arg, I feel very poem-deprived. I've got 2 kids aged 6 and 13 (the 13year old has a bit of a maturity problem) for 2 weeks and I'm multitasking by writing this and helping Dominique (6) do her reading. It can be more than a little frustrating, especially considering these kids are cooped up in an apartment in Vancouver all day long. They've never been camping. Miguel has no real friends because Daddy dearest of his keeps him like a pet. Dominique is very sensitive and cries alot. Don't get me wrong, they're wonderful kids, when you let them stretch their wings a bit. I'm so glad thety';re here for 2 weeks. I didn't think I would be, but I am, because I think they'll get an experience here that is so different from their experience at home, and they'll be without cloystering parents. But I'm having poetry withdrawls. I've got alot of words bottled up inside me that are banging on the walls to get out, but I just can't function poetically with a little beside me whining that she doesn't want to read the poem, lol. Anyways, toodles...

p.s. Still thinking about the Canada day thing at Merral (sp?) Lake... how will I get there? when? Do I wanna go? hmmm....
I am currently Detached
I am listening to "rrrrr...rrrrrriiii..... rrrriiiight? Does it say right?"

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yo
06/29/2003 07:19 p.m.
Haha! My new room is coming along splendidly. We;ve got new hardwood on the floor and the walls are going to be red and there are gonna be full length mirrors on the closet doors beside my bed *evil grin* lol. *Sigh*... I'm feeling alot better than I felt a few days ago. Breakups do that to you. They turn you into a bumbling mess for a while. oh, mums home, gotta take in the grocery. Tootles!
I am currently Content
I am listening to .

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The quote page.
06/27/2003 06:14 p.m.
Foolish
by Trisha De Gracia

Fool that I probably am
I've put all of it into
the palm of his right
and she, the palm of his left
And with that I entrust him
to weigh both options
and not make a fool
of my heart.


04/27/2003

I wrote that before it all. I look at it now, and it didn't turn out like a fairy tale... but he hasn't made a fool of my heart. No one can.

"did you think that I would cry on the phone? do you know what it feels like being alone? I'll find someone new.... swing swing swing from the tangles of my heart is crushed by your former love... can you help me find a way to carry on again? Bury me!"
I am currently Strong
I am listening to Sugar cult, in my head

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