stain
10/17/2003 02:18 a.m.
What's sad is that I bet that I'm his stain.If he cares about her, then I am a regret, a piece of his past he can never erase or change. And now she's gone. like far far far away and he's not gonna see her until next summer, at least. And I'm thelittle chunk of faith. He's thrown me away. Good for him. Accept does he have to throw everything else out with it? What am I, a total stranger? you couldn't tell the difference. an attractive body means nothing if the person has mind not to even talk to you. He could have spent his time with her instead of me....

And look who appears to have won? when at first she couldn't have who she wanted, and it looked like he barely even wanted her...now everything fallen to pieces for me and him, not that it was together in the first place mind you, and she, with all her stupid butterfly beauty, has come out on top. Maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I'm angry that the universe seems to reward irritated faces. I don't want to be her. I'd rather be me and have no one. Good for her. Except she has everything, and if she doesn't she sure as hell doesn't let that on, and she still finds reason to be angry at the world around her. fascinating.

I'm sad that I'm his stain. I wish I could erase myself from his past so that he could be free of guilt and be happy. I hope that I'm not what's making him unhappy. If I am than I am. It wasn't a real thing anyways. What am I jabbering on about?
I am currently Bad
I am listening to Numb- Linkin Park (Thx J)

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-
10/16/2003 10:42 p.m.
I am angry. I am so angry that I literally want to cry. I wrote an entire poem depicting exacltyhow I feel, and this stupid fucking internet explorer lost it. I lost it. It was perfect. Fuck. FUCK!! There are no better words than the words in the poem and now it's ceased to exist. it's already 90% gone from my memory. Fuck!!!! FUCK!!

A stifling heat
thick and oppressive humidity
people are nothing but shimmers
of midday mirage
concealed by the heat in the distance.
Unimportant.
Illusions.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was the mild beginning, roughly. The rest of it comes to me in shards. God I hate this. Fuck. What a stupid fucking loss. Iknow I'm gonna be ashamed of this entry tomorrow. Today I don't care. it can be my stain. What the hell kind of poet am I if I can only put words to a feeling once.I still feel what i felt and "Fuck" is so bloody inadequate you just can't comprehend it. Slang for sex. My anger has nothing to do with sex. God damn it!! I want to hit something. I want to hit myself. too bad may arm isn't at good angle to punch myself in the face. Not that i'd do it. How pathetic is that? Look at my cheap talk. God I sicken myself. I think I'll disappear, so as not to infect those around me. Also so that I don't hit them. I'm pathetic, I'd hit them but not me. That is sick. I'm repulsed with my own feelings surrounding ym anger. my stupid, selfish uncaring feelings when I'm angry. What a taint. I want to wrench myself inside out so that i dont have tolook at my hands typing these words. Instead I'd be looking at bloody gory bones with muscle underneath it and veins all through the inside. I think I'dlike it better than these hands. There's a single tiny mar on one finger, 10 bitten nailsand10 bitten cuticles. aside from that, they are fine.perfect even. skillful and maybe to somebody beautiful. I dont feel that way.I feel like the mar, flawing an otherwise beautiful existence. Imay delete this later. that disgusts me too.I'm too ashamed to accept who I really am. Too busy in hoping in being something else, in being someone else. but who am i? I'm trish. nomore noless. I keep reaching for perfect trish without tiny marsor flaws or bitten anything, but thats not me and how disgusting is it that I can tellpeople to be themselves and love themselves and yet myself want to be better? I'm not better. I'm trish.
I am currently Angry

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Happy Birthday Jordan.
10/12/2003 06:12 p.m.
Happy Birthday Jordan!

He's 18 today. Odd. I was fourteen when I dated him some months ago. FOURTEEN. That number bounces off the inside of my skull and confuses me. 14 and 17. Yesterday, at his house, it was 15 and 17. Today it isn't. It's all too odd to comprehend. Yesterday was an odd sort of day. An odd, confusing, pleasant, terrifying and strangely wonderful day. It was like "ok, here I am with Jordan, in a room, alone, watching Fifa soccer and football." It's all so strange, because you'd think you get to know a person quite well when you date them, and you do, but not as well as you hope. Now both of us are single, and aren't really waiting on anyone, so we're both technically fair game. But we're sitting in this room, looking at eachother, and I'm seeing things I never saw before. Just little things I hadn't noticed, a weird quality in his eyes when he was looking at me. It was hard to tell if there was much truth in the room, or whether we were both just playing a game. He would do things that would just confuse me. I told him that he confused me, that I was all confused. He replied by saying he was too... that I "have a different vibe" than before, one he couldn't place. It just seems odd for HIM to be confused. Then again, he's always been a very confused guy but, in this.... Meh, I don't know. All I know is that yesterday was what I'll call a learning experience. And that I'm happy to be on (somewhat, lol) honest terms with him.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to Ed on the phone

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A sweet Poem i found
10/12/2003 06:00 p.m.


A Quoi Bon Dire

Seventeen years ago you said
Something that sounded like Good-bye;
And everybody thinks that you are dead
But I.

So I, as I grow stiff and cold
to this and that say Good-bye too;
And everybody sees that I am old
But you.

And one fine morning in a sunny lane
Some boy and girl will meet and kiss and swear
That nobody can love their way again
While over there
You will have smiled, I shall have tossed your hair.

By Charlotte Mew
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found this in a poetry textbook from my school, which I love and ador. This is beautiful.
I am currently Calm

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Kaleidescope viewpoint
10/04/2003 08:19 p.m.
I can't stand it. I don't get it. Free me from it.

No, that's pathetic.

Why should anyone else help me up? I have two legs, i'm a capable human being. Perhaps a human being questioning her own stability, but a human person nonetheless. Tell me, what is stable? Can you put it in a jar and label it for me? No. I should label myown stability.

I should discover it first.

My soup tastes too salty in my mouth. nothing comforts me. The people who confuse me, who I want to love, (there are 2, mainly) won't let me in, and use two extremely different ways of showing me that. Well, even if that isn't the intention of one of them, it's still doing the same thing. And the other cries out for want ofsomeone to care about him, and here Iam, screaming and waving, and MY caring isn't good enough. MY lovemeans nothing.

I'm disgusted withmyself. I know that if others knew they'd be disgusted withme too. But I have ALL THEFUCKING RIGHT TO BE CONFUSED!! Anyone does, but in this situation, I know Ido. It's all just agame, and I was winning. OrI thought I was. I'm really not sure. I feel like Thelma Beldwin from Crazy Eights (by Barbara dana). the world is goingmad around me. There's thisone scene in the book whereshe just snaps. She's at home, and her moronic, broken record-sounding aunt and uncle are there. They've taken her room and she has to sleep in the living room. Her GOrGEOus older sister is hates her, and is getting married to a man who doesn'tlove her, who she doesn'tlove, who has a green neck (becauseof this cream he needs on it forarash) and treats herlike a child. Thelma's mother is bossy and is the perfect image of the savvy woman. Her father's just out of it. They're all in the house thenight before the sister's wedding and the sister is vomitting, the uncle keeps asking over and over "where's my toothbrush?", the aunt is singing in a LOUDLOUDLOUD nasal voice, the mom is screaming at thelma to get up off the floor and the father is in hisplacid state ofout-of-itness. None of itmakes sense to Thelma. The world around her is going mad.

Unfortunately,Idont get to burn down a building to feel better about it, like thelma does.

instead I get to sit through 2 confusing boys
the confinements of being 15 and not relating to anyone 15
having the due freedoms of being 15 as appointed by my old fashioned/3rd world country raised parents
Pondering whether mylast relationship was trashed mostly BECAUSE of those reasons or because of Mo
A heart defect that doctors think I'm faking/over-reacting to
over-boiled soup
and generally the typical whinings you'd hear from any other almost-grownup girl who's emotions feel like the view through a kaleidescope in a dryer
(entertaining to watch from afar, sure, but I'M the coloured glass!)

I am currently Stupid
I am listening to (My mood is not Stupid, it is currently "whiny typical girl")

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She says "hey baby, I just might take that chance"
10/03/2003 03:45 a.m.
Weezer- Only in Dreams

You can't resist her.
She's in your bones .
She is your marrow , and your ride home .
You can't avoid her.
She's in the air.
[in the air]
And in between molecules of Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide .
Only in dreams , you'll see what it means .
Reach out our hands .
Hold on to hers .
But when we wake , it's all been erased .
And so it seems ... only in dreams .
You walk up to her.
Ask her to dance .
She says "Hey baby , I just might take a chance ."
You say its a good thing .
That you float in the air.
[in the air.]
Up where there's no way I will crush
Your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces .
Only in dreams , you'll see what it means .
Reach out our hands .
Hold on to hers .
But when we wake , it's all been erased .
And so it seems ... only in dreams .
Only in dreams .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Lol,Jordan will be proud, lol. I heart Weezers songs, especially this one. It's just that weird, quirky, geeky, awkwardly romantic feeling you get from hearing it... it's so great. It makes me smile.

Roger, over and out.
I am currently Quippy
I am listening to (haha, ok, what IS quippy?)

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Ramblings, just Ramblings
10/01/2003 04:07 p.m.
So I'm sitting here, in the counselling centre. I've got no homework to do. No real work to do. No capp booklet to work on... pah. So, whatever, I get to be here instead, yay! Only I can't really write anything because people are constantly going in an out of here. I guess I really dont like people to know I write poetry. Not alot of people anyways. they get nosy. I don't like that. Besides, as a "peer counsellor" I can't have people reading into my instabilities, lol. That probably won't reflect very well on me. *sigh*, the things we do to keep an image. I'm the only one in this class in this block. it's not even a block on my timetable. my timetable says I have nothing in B block. Basically they said to me "Trish, we'll correct your timetable to whatever you like in a hurry if you give us a block of your time" and so naturally I was like "sure." So now I'm an imposter cousellor, but mainly a gopher, which works for me, I guess. It's only busy in here at the very beginning and at the very end of the semester. as of right now, and for a few months, all we deal with are straggler kids and computer timetable glitches. So, that's why I'm here, I guess. I have a poem on my home computer thats pretty much finished, but the last line wasn't so I saved it and left it at home. I wish it was here. I wanna finish it and edit it and put it up. It looks like it's about one thing, and in a way I guess it sorta is, but not really.... it's hard to describe. It's an odd one. I know some people will read and go "aha! that's what she's writing about." but the truth is i just wrote and thats what came outta my fingers. Maybe it is about that situation.... odd.

So yes, now I'm writing to pass time. This is nothing important, so leave now unless you wanna hear mindless drabble.

Biology's next. I love biology. I'm the biggest geek there is (science geek, band geek, theatre geek, poetry geek). I like knowing how things work. I can't ever remember a time where I didn't want to know everything. It's kinda scary. Biology just makes so much sense. you can take what you learn, and take what you know, put it together and make a guess, and Mr.Pistor will verify the answer. I wanna stump him with a question one day this semester.
Elina. there's something to talk about. For the last week or two, me and barbara have sorta been being tough on her. The thing is, she takes it so badly that it's hard not to. I think we kept doing to try to toughen her up .She seems to have this mentality that world "should" be fair, and that we "shouldn't" poke fun at her. I dunno, I think the reality of it is everyone pokes fun at everyone, and you can't always whine and pout about it. Sometimes the best way to deal is to poke back a little. dont punch, just poke (bumper sticker anyone?). She has a boyfriend. Her first serious boyfriend. And really, he's a super guy, and she cares about him so much, and vice versa, so it's great. But whenevr we joke about her flirting with another guy (which I think, the way she's going about it, is pretty harmless), she'll flip. That's not the only thing, but that's an example. So yesterday we had a big talk.... but it's so hard to talk to her because she's so wound up, you know? Not to cause any disrespect to the girl, because I heart her and she's great, but lately it's like she's so stressed she can't think straight. Stressed about what, is my question. maybe it's us. I apologized. I'm going to try to be better today in biology. We'll see how that goes. I'll write how that goes.
Ansgar's rad, lol he's a german exchange student in my biology and we laugh all class and chat quietly and Mr.Pistor doesn't really care cuz he knows we get it. Or at least thats what I think he thinks. maybe he just hasn't noticed yet. Anyways, ansgar burnt me a CD of a band called Apocolyptica. They play metal on cellos. Just cellos. It's cool. Oh, and aparantly Andrew, a guy in my french, likes me, which flatters me. And it's not that he's an un-datable guy.... I'm just not looking for a guy. I've sorta been wondering if I'm not looking for a guy or if i am looking for a guy and, as nice as Andrew is, it's just not him. I dunno... ugh. This sucks, because he's so so so so rad. I don't like hurting rad people. Especially not Andrew, because he's great. Oh, for those who read barbaras journal, it's not her andrew. But ya, I'm really not sure of anything when it comes to anything with a penis lately. Except my dog. I like my dog. Where's my dog when I need him....
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to Mr. Macdonald's muffled voice.

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Un-feeling
09/30/2003 05:55 a.m.
I find myself in the oddest of states. a state of wanting something, but not being sure of what that is. like groping in murky water for a feeling I once thought Iknew...



I remember what it was like to be in love with Jordan. What it felt like to have him, to have someone, but especially him. Don't get me wrong. That's not what I want. I dont want a boyfriend. I dont wantcommitment.I dont want love. I don't want any of it anymore, and not becauseof him. And yet, I remember making salmon patties in the kitchen, and I remember a walk down to knowles park. sitting on swing and just smiling at him, and having him smile back. Saying words that were so sure wouldn't fade andlook at us now. As an example, you know,just look at us. neither of us want the other, and it's barely been 5 months since it all began... we thought we had it all figured out, didn't we babe? Good times though, lol.

No but really, just the whole... i dunno... texture of that fragment in time. that brief little glip, I remember so clearly these days. Smiling up at him singing and playing guitar in my room. themoment he brought that guitar to life for me... my grandmother's old guitar. the one I barely knew and had thought about selling once... now I couldn't ever dreamof it,no matter howmuddy my chords still are. But the feeling of trust and love....and how itslipped away long before it was shattered... and how fast I numbed myself, like anesthetic on a wound until it hadtimeto heal. The way I'd done itso many times, theautomatic break-up mode, the cold cut intologic at that instant, while tears still poured frommyface. and the way logic froze asI gave him one last kiss on the cheek and walked out.

So odd... and now... I just can't pinpoint it. It's not wanting him. or anyone...

or anyone... maybe that's it.
I am currently Bleh

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Broke.
09/22/2003 10:07 p.m.
Wanna know the silliest thing? Looking like you have money when you don't. My family has never had money. but we always look like it. so that way, when I tell friends I can't afford to do something or go somewhere, they look at me and ask why. teachers look at me funny when I tell them I can't pay a fee yet. That we just don't have it. the fuckin BUS DRIVER shook his head at me when I was short 3 cents and couldn't pay my fucking fee. I hate it! I scraped my change and I was short. I didn't have change to pay the man 3 goddamn cents. It's sick. It's utterly sick. and the last thing I want is a friend going "oh we can pitch in and pay for you..." yay! I'm your new charity case! Does it makeyou happy? do you pat yourself on the fuckin back because you made somebody's day by buying them a burger when they dont have the money for it?It's shitty. once in a while I'm thankful for it, but the rest of the time I can get by some other way. I have a friend who gets 100$ a month allowance, and she blows it on food and make up and shit. She's like "well that hundred dollars has to get me through the month forfood and clothes and stuff." AND STUFF. She get's fed at home. "food" means chips and poutine at the mall or something. Do you need new clothes every month? a new lipgloss? Maybe i'm just bitter right now, but I can't FATHOM getting a hundred dollars a month for doing nothing. I can't fathom getting new clothes every month or being able to buy whatever you want at lunchor being able to go just about anywhere on the bus because I have the money. I cannot fathom it. And she says buying stuff for people makes her happy. She says she feels sorry for thepeople across the world starving, who have nothing, and yet she chucks hermoney outinto the Canadian/American economy so that she can get some new clothes. I care about her, she's a good person but maybe I'm just angry. I feel like it's all myfault. I wish I was an average student so that I didn't have all these band trips to go on, sothat I wouldn't have to use the family money. My dad has no "real" job, he works doing odd jobs, labour and mechanics jobs, at age 64. My mom supports us. We get by and we're so lucky to have what we have infront of us. to have internet and a nice house and everything, but it could all begone in an instant and I feel like i don't contribute to it, like i waste it and I hate it. I hate it when she'll go "oh what do youwanna eat trish? I'll buy it." and she doesn't understand what it'slike not to have money and not to live off somebody elsespocket. it blows me away how her 100$ a month disappears by the 15th. where the fuck does it go? what would I do with 100$ a month? she tells me about how her step mom is working now just to put her through university. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER FOR HER TUITION! And then she says she's angry with her stepmom, that she doesn't want her money when her parents say "I'm doing this for you, you know." She tells me about how she'd rather them keep hermoney and workto get enough money for acouple years university. I'm not trying to beso mean, but GOD, she thinks it would just "be tough", but she'd get through it. how many 8$ an hour shifts does it take to make up some 60,000$? I feel like screaming "OH BOOHOO!! So you just have to endure feeling like someone's charity ONCE in your life to go to UNIVERSITY! do you know how many people would trade in their 8$ an hour jobs for that? do youknow how many people are FORCED to work 8$ an hour jobs for a glimmer of whats being handed to you on a silverplatter? So what, who cares that your step moms carrying it, be grateful somebody is!!"ARG! I'm just so pissed off at everything. I'm gonna crawl into ahole and screamand when I come out I'll smile and keep on looking normal.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to -

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SandCastles
09/19/2003 09:47 p.m.
I keep dreaming about a person. this is about the 4th time i've had a dream about being with this person, romantically. He's a boy I don't want to name, and although for the most part he's not in my head through the day, it seems that at night things are different. I'm so happy and surprised that he loves me in the dreams, and then I wake up and none of it's true. I almost cried this morning for how happy I was in the dream and the loss of waking up and having it all drift away like a lost sand bucket at the beach.

I need to learn to make my castles some other way.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to me eating tuna

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