Inner monologue.
11/06/2003 02:57 a.m.
-What is this? What is this? What is this? What was it?
`Has it changed?
-NO! and... yes. A little.
`A little?
-Maybe.
`Maybe?
-Kind of.
`Tell me how so.
-Well, it's about a thing that comes and goes and stays and makes you feel like the world is all an oyster...
`You don't like oysters.
-That's not the point. Figure of speech. Anyways, it's more like the tide.
`The tide?
-Sorta.
`How?
-Well, it comes, and it goes...
`And it isn't an oyster?
-No.
`Good. You don't like oysters.
-I know that. thank you. Moving on...
`Yes. I'm listening. All ears.
-Wait, it's not the tide either.
`Why?
-Because you can predict the tide, and youknow what causes it. The moon causes the tide, and you know when it goes in, and when it goes out. this thing isn'tlike that.
`So it isn't the tide, and it isn't an oyster. Ok.
-ok. Well, the thing with this thing is that It once was gone. Out. Banished. I banished it.
`And you can't banish the tide... but maybe an oyster...
-I banished it when it went away. It went away and I said "Fine, leave" and I shut the door behind it and locked it.
`is this good?
-I dunno yet, you'll see why in a sec. So I shut the door behind it and lock it, then I turn around. the house is kinda empty feeling, like there's this spot when the thing used to sleep and it's painfully empty.
`Like a dog?
-Well no, not quite a dog...
`Then a person?
-I don't want to call it that really, it's sort of just a feeling.
`Was it love?

...

-Yes. Then, it was love.
`Ok, this goes back to our honesty rule, remember?
-Yes.
`Ok then, go on.
-Ok, it was love. I shut the door on it, but the house was empty...
`So the house is like your heart?
-I guess so...
`ok. Go on.
-I shut the door. I was doing fine in my house for a bit, everything began to feel more normal, you know?
`You sort of adjusted.
-Kind of. Not quite adjust really, so much as... so much as the emptiness became like a beat in the backround. Monotonous. I didn't realize I missed anything after a bit.
`Was that good?
-Yes, it allowed me smile. I got on. It was fine. I was happy.
`Ok, so whats the problem.
-the problem? Oh right, the problem. The problem is that I forgot I left a key under the mat.
`Does anyone know where this key is?
-Yes.
`And so?
-And so, someone who knows where the key is has picked it up, unlocked the door, and walked into my house.
`Isn't that illegal here?
-It's illegal in most places... unless you don't mind.
`Ah... and do you mind?
-No.
`Ok, well is it love?

...

-Blunt one aren't you?
`Honesty, remember?
-Right. ok. Love. Uhh... I don't know.
`How do younot know?
-Well, I can't pin it. All I really know is that.... is that when I'm with this person, everything clicks. Stuff suddenly makes sense. I'm happy. I have fears, and thats about the only thing holding me besides him. That and the uncertainty, or more so, HIS uncertainty oat whether or not he plans to take off his shoes in my house. The only thing i know is that right now I can't keep a straight face thinking about him. Or speaking about him. or dreaming about it. I wake up some mornings with an unexplained smile and i can't remember what I dreamed about... and then it comes to me... Despite everything that walked out the door, and despite not knowing just what's walked back in... I'm suddenly... happy.

`Ok, so whats the problem?
-The problem?...
huh. I guess I never thought of it quite like that before...
I am currently Clever
I am listening to my dad snoring...

Comments (0)

And finally, the truth, as told to me, for me, by me.
11/05/2003 05:47 a.m.
you know, Summer D Glenney's newest poem is a gem. It's clear and honest and raw. SO brilliant. *Sigh*, i've taken a cue from a friend of mine, and I've decided to just let what is be, and let what comes come, and just be honest with myself. I figure, hey, that's the only way anything is going to get accomplished. Ever. Being honest with myself. if with no one else, then fine, but at least to me. Now, the real predicament is what does that mean? Now that I've vowed to be real, what is reality? What is the truth? what do I really think? In general, I think love, lust and friendship are stages of the same thing. I dont think you can have the first without the other two. maybe you dont feel the other two 24/7, but it's still gotta be there, waiting. What else do i think about those things... in general... I think that each one is only what you make it. Like lust, lust isn't lust unless you make it so. If you put lust in a dark corner forever, than it dies, and you cease feeling. Friendships the same way. And they can be directed to many people or only one. you could channel all your friendship into one person, or you could have many friends. You could focus your lust on one person, or on any hot body in a room. that's not to say you dont go "damn he looks good in those jeans". To be denied that is inhuman :) . Love's a little trickier. There's chemistry, then theres love. Then there's the lost art of turning one into the other. I think you can love anybody, but when you find somebody who can be your greatest friend, and the lust is present, then you have the makings of love. Romantic love. IN love. You can have just plain love in a friendship, but you can't be IN love with just anybody. But even then, when you have it, it's hard to keep it alive, make it grow, make it work. People think that once you're in love, bang, no problems, it's like cut and bake cookie dough, all mixed up with the perfect balance of ingredients, ready in 15 minutes or less. Not so. Or at least, not in most cases I've known. I think there are certain things you have to do to keep it strong. I know from experience time and again that no matter how much you care, love doesn't always stay in bloom. You need to water it. you need to trust in it. First, I think you must always have friendship. Always, or at the very least, that aspect must be in progress. You also must always have lust there, present, in the air. Like I said, not always in you, but there, hanging out in the shadows, as in willing to jump back in the game after you're over the flu and the crimson week's done, youknow? There's gotta be chemistry.
And love, love is like life's huge exception, not in a sea of rules, but in a sea of other, smaller exceptions. But from what I've observed in myself, friends, family and others is that deep down inside yourself, you can love many people. But to be IN love, now that is based on both your choice and your situation. Some situations hinder love, like being in two different places. That doesn't mean love is not there, but it means that that love is bound, and love's never meant to be bound. Or say that person you love has become someone you don'tlove, or has ceased in showing you love. If you don't communicate love, some how, some way, be it telepathically or just understood or whatever, it's as good as gone. But to make romantic love, being IN love work, you have to be dedicated to your cause: Love. Not just dedicated to loving, but be dedicated to YOUR love. The love you have for that person. That one person. You can't lose faith in it for too long. there can be doubt, but that doubt cannot be allowed to linger. You can't completely deny to yourself that it's there. You have to have trust in your capacity to feel love for that one person that makes the world spin, because with out that, you find that the world slows and slows and slows until it grinds to a halt, but you're still moving, so you smash through life like a skull through a windshield, and wallow in every emo inspired minute of your newly gashed and bleeding existence, waiting for someone to come stitch it up. Believe me folks, believe. And lest you want to lose it, if that person you love loves you back you can't give them reason to do these things ever. words for the wise, dont EVER let someone you truly care about ever forget that you care, that youlove them. Ever. If you do, then they leave you without ever saying a word, because it's not that they dont care, it's that love is give and take, and if they feel like they're the only one giving... it's just a horrible mess you dont want to be in. Bottomline: It's not enough just to feel it. I think you have to feel it, breath it, sing it, scream it, sweat it, bleed it and put all your weight on it knowing it's a retarded thing to do because what you get out of it is never worth anything unless you weight yourself on it first. you need to have the self-confidence to wait through every awkward silence, because there's no such thing as an awkward silence that didn't pass. You have to keep walking when you fall, even if they're the ones that tripped you. you know why? Because if they love you, eventually they'll realize they put their foot down when they shouldn't have, that they fucked it up too, even if you did walk right into it. If you screw it up, then you do, but look at what you've learned instead of what you've lost. You can't always bet that the person you love loves you too. If you know you want something more than anything in the world, the world cannot stop you. The world can't get between you and what you want. the world can only sit on the sidelines and heckle.

That, is my honest unbiased truth, directed (honestly) at nobody in particular, only at me and everyone else with the perserverence to read this far into some random girls journal entry.
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to Drown, 3 days grace

Comments (0)

Post it.
11/04/2003 12:52 a.m.
I found a large orange arrow post it on my floor just now.

*raises eyebrow at a certain 2 boys who live in a certain house together who had me over to watch a certain movie last night. Gazes somewhat accusingly at one of them.*

Anyone have any ideas?
I am currently Stimulated
I am listening to (lol, "how do you feel?" "Stimulated.

Comments (0)

WOOT! :D
11/03/2003 08:06 p.m.
Wow, i'm in a great mood again. i'm home forlunch right now. I have to go back to school in like 3 minutes. I'm in a brilliant mood. Ugh, I have a big french test... who cares? I feel great. It's weird. I'm tired like I usually am.... but I feel spectacular for somereason. Like, spectacular. I'm smiling at everything and everyone.... I love music... i'm addicted to it. It makes my day sing... it makesme feel superduper duper happy... yay! Haha, yeah, i'm a weirdo... it's essential, I think. :D

WOOT!
I am currently Giddy
I am listening to Back to You

Comments (0)

Almost a Quagmire
11/03/2003 05:38 a.m.
"You are so INFURIATING!"
"Carpe Diem."
"'One pair of candy lips and, your bubblegum tongue'"
"You are so beautiful"
"You're gorgeous, you know that?"
"'Something about the way the hair falls in your face'"
"You are awesome."
"So where are we?"
"I dunno... I'm happy."
"'And I love the shape you take when you're sitting on my pillow case'"
"-But there's the you thing..."
"There's a me thing?"
"Yeah..."
"You tell me where to go and, though I might leave to find it...'"
"I'm happy. At least now you know what you want right? Some people go their whole lives without ever knowing."
"'I'll never let your head, hit the bed-'"
"There's something different about you..."
"You don't know what you do to me... you know that?"
"I'm onto your trickery."
"I'm not exactly being subtle, you know."
"I'm sorry..."
"Do you have any idea how much I'm gonna miss you when you're gone?"
"'- without my hand behind it.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I dont know where I am. Alot of times I don't know what I am... or how I got to be like this. Sorta...wishy washy, you know? I just know that... I'm happy. This... this whole dealy makes me happy... That's a gift. I feel like I'm walking, and I dont know what direction i'm going in, or why... but the sunrise I'm watching as the day settles into sleep is worth it.
I am currently Happy
I am listening to Back to You (acoustic, not bad, not bad at all...)

Comments (0)

Good Moods and Spontaneous Fobs
11/01/2003 11:51 p.m.
Wow I'm in a great mood. Like, a great great great mood. It's weird, cuz usually I wouldn't be, seeing as right now I have a holter moniter on, as I'll have for the next 24 hours. It makes me feel like robo-woman, lol. Basically it looks like a walkman with 5 wires coming out of it. Those 5 are connected to me, all over my upper half. Now I could find this hindering, and semi-depressing, or I could find it funny. right now i find it super super funny. That and last night was hilarious. I went to Jordan and Matt's Halloween party. SO fun, lol. it was great that by the end of the night I was in Jordans room, alone with him, and we could hear people outside saying "yah, they're like making out or doing it or something in there. dont go in" lol. We were chatting! Man, there's alot to talk about with that boy. Ya know how when some people hugyou can't help but feeling all safe and happy? That's the general feeling when I hug him, which is often, because he's a great hugger. Jordan, man, I think somepeople were doing it in the upstairs TV room... I think I sorta walkedin on them when I was looking for my jacket. lol. whoopsy's. Oh, oh, landmark day today. I was telling my mother about drunken ange and drunken Jay, and she thought it was funny. Then she very very very casually asked me if I got drunk too. I said no, and she was like "oh, ok." Totally normal. Totally fine. Totally accepting and calm and collected. So so strange.


AH!!! I'm getting an exchange student.
Tuesday.

This tuesday.

I'm scared, I'm nervous. She'll be here for a year. For a freakin year!! What if I hate her? She's from Hong Kong. what if she doesn'tlike me or my friends? what if she becomes a total cling on or something. I need my alone time and my alone with friends time... But, on the other hand, I'll get summer freedom, extended, because I'll have someone with me. But I'll have someone with me.

I've come to think maybe I'm afraid of change. Or at least quite hesitant of it. I find that instead of thinking about what great things might be beyond the horizon, I think about what great things are with me, and behind me. Maybe I should strive to get over that. I think I will. I shouldn't live my life in fear, nor should i be afraid that something new is going to ruin what I have that's great.

But it could.

It just occured to me that I'll be adding another asian to my household. Hahaha, my moms like "oh, ya better make sure Jordan doesn't find her. You know how he goes for the asian ones, haha."






"Halfie's, Mother. Halfie's."

;)

I am currently Fabulous
I am listening to Miss Independent (it makes me smile, oddly)

Comments (0)

!!!!SOLASCIVIOUS!!!!!
10/30/2003 06:37 a.m.
There's something about costumes and makeup and provocative dancing that makes me feel... well... a little provocative. I think it's red and black of my costume. I felt hot. HOT. Well maybe not quite hot. sexy. that's more it.

the attire:

Black jazz pants (tight&stretchy, for those who dont know)
Black sports bra
Red lace choker
Red and black thin bracelets
Black studded bracelet (makes me feel all whips and chainsy)
A small fake black clover tattoo on my hip bone (for luck)

All that with smokey, smokey black eyes and fire red lips made me feel like tying someone up and seducing them. I had the urge to grab someone and pull'em into the shadows, lol. OH, and I also had Sex Hair, which is the kind of hair I rarely get for alot of reasons, haha. but then we decided it was too all over the place, so it became Sex And Then Your Mom Comes in The Driveway hair (we put it up, still sexy though). Arg, I'm feeling lascivious. And Horny. lol. I should take pictures and put them up. I think I will. I LOOK HOT. Any volunteers?


oh yeah, we did all this costume stuff for our variety night. We did the cellblock tango from the movie Chicago (I was Velma). if have not seen it yet, SEE IT! it is great! you can practically lose your virginity watching the movie scene of it. The audience Loved it. Barbara (Griffith, on pathetic here) was in it too. She was looking mightyfine as well. it was super.

(p.s. Matt Baillie Wrote a poem for me, and is now dubed the Acrostic King)
I am currently Seductive
I am listening to Something's Missing (once again, thx J)

Comments (0)

0
10/29/2003 01:41 a.m.
writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block writer's block.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
What to do when you're museless. I hate feeling like there isn't a poem boiling inside me. it makes me feel... well, if it made me feel something I could make a poem about that. but it doesn't all it makes me is: nothing. I wrote "writer's block" 20 times with out using copy and past (21 times now I suppose). I have nothing.


Lately I've been feeling rather disgusted at my lack of motivation. I haven't done homeworks for a bit, but I've managed to do well enough to keepmy grade high, for now. Nothing makes me feel alive really. days drag on in such a weird way now. i dont want for anything. i dont want to do anything, and I'm not sure if I even wanna feel anything. Except some people make me laugh. when I laugh, I for a bit feel human. Sometimes it's just a laugh, and then down down down into the dredges of this weirdness, and other times... other times.... other times it's just different. different people maybe? maybe. I just know that as of right now, I feel like there is nothing around me, nothing in me, nothing worth putting into anything either than this dragging prose and nothing ahead of me to change that except perhaps halloween. then that'll end.

I'm going to spain in july. It's official, because the school is helping me fund to get there. only now I'm not sure how much I want to go..... but if the schools helping I can't very well decline.. it's such a big oppourtunity. I dont know. maybe it's just other circumstances of that date that botherme. my dad doesn't want me to go. Jen doesn't want me to go. i dont know what I want. There are other reason I may not want to go, like missing my sweet 16 here in canada, being in spain for it... maybe I'll have it before I go. then there's my fear of flying, my fear of death which right now is sorta clamping on me at the idea of terrorist crap and all... I dont know, I'm almost in tears write now and I'm not sure how thats at all possible considering crying is what happens when you're sad or afraid or something.... and I'm nothing.

My weirdnesses are what go up on this site. I'd apologize but I've done nothing wrong so I wont.I just feel odd knowing that I see in person someof thepeople that read this stuff. This is real me, yeah, but it's the real [hyphen] melodramatic stressed worried psycho girly oddity me that nobody really sees because I put everything here. Pah. Just dont call me crazy, call me honest.
I am currently Gloomy
I am listening to (I'm looking for something angry to put the negative feeling in)

Comments (0)

:)
10/26/2003 04:51 a.m.
Just for the record, I am marrying the beautiful, brilliant Rachelle Howe. If you've never read her stuff, you're missing out. Haha, Rachelle Darling, do you want a church wedding or one of those "theme" weddings? ;)

So I'm feeling rather hellish today. My stomach feels like some demonic little man is inside of it wrenching it around and burning where he sees fit. Good amounts of Advil have numbed the pain of the headaches, although I feel like they've numbed my thinking process too. I was gonna write a poem. Then I changed my mind. Then I cahnged it again and write an ode to the orange girl. The orange girl is barbara. She's SO much more that whats in that little blurby of a poem, but like I said, I'm dulled at the moment. That new folder is where all my weirdities and half-formed poetry will go. I wish pathetc had a preview feature. that'd be super. or a place to store poetry privately online for touching up before we put it up for public viewing. maybe I'll suggest that.

I entered a double abecedarian in the teen patron status poetry contest. Aiko put in a triple, and no matter what she says I still think hers takes the cake. Maybe I'm just partial to her stuff :D. But whatever, I suppose we'll just wait and see. I hope it does well. Abecedarians are fun, but there are only so many times people can use the words xenophobe and zest, lol. I wonder how many legitimate X words there are. technicaly that should be how many poems can have a different X word. after that we're just changing all the stuff around it.

People are weird. Some of them try to be this vision of perfection, or have these visions for better worlds and stuff and forget that to get there they have to cope with what is. The person Butterfly is written about is sort of like that sometimes.

I dunno, I'm not feeling well. I have soccer in the morning. Ugh. at least I'll be in goal. Moving sounds horrible right now. God I have alot of homework. I should get that done tonight. If I dont I never will, and I know it. I usually never do homework... pah.I suppose I may have to tonite. gross.
I am currently Gross
I am listening to nada

Comments (0)

An apology of sorts
10/20/2003 04:39 a.m.
Went to the movies with some people and saw the most bloody movie of all time, as well as failed to hit an orgasm or a doggie, sadly. I apologize to the driver and front passenger, if they read this, because it seems that my backseat antics were quite irritating. if this was the case, me and my accomplice (or me, anyways) will try to not "have sex in your backseat" again. (note: no actual sex, or sexualness, was occuring at the time.)

That said, what do you do when just what you want is around? Do you take it? I think not. In certain situations you're just asking for it. But even with that... Damn I'm going to miss that boy when he's gone. Like we said, I wish time could have dealt us a better hand, but as it is, it hasn't. Time has dealt three hands to three people, and one by one we laid down the cards. Good people and good intentions don't always make the cut (Ace of Spades seeks 8 of Clubs, "the one that stands out." OR 9 of Hearts... hmmm...)

THAT said, what single girl doesn't need a good cuddle from someone who's both seen her naked AND liked it, sometimes?
I am currently Good
I am listening to nothing, nothing at all.

Comments (0)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries