Dean and Such
11/20/2003 10:50 p.m.
I'm so happy. Life is great. i'm afraid of breaking the spell by saying it, but seriously, life is being wonderful to me.
HA! Wanna know something funny? 2 days ago an Ex calls me out of the blue. I hadn't talked to this guy for a while, I thought I'd never talk to him again. So we chatted for a long while about his 3 arrests since he moved and all that jazz. He's one of those misguided kids that just doesn't see why ripping a guy from his truck and joy riding with it would be such a bad thing. That was one of his arrests, apparently. Nice guy, I mean really he is (to me, not others, bad sign #1).... he's just not the most stable person you meet. Figures, lol. He's got a bit of emotional problems he needs to deal with, one of them being he thinks he's going to swoop in and carry me off to be his girlfriend. He hinted to it on that first phone call, and I hinted away from it. I didn't wanna crush the guy, but I didn't want to give him the wrong impression.

"are you single?"
"I'm seeing someone."
"ah who's this someone?"
"I dont have to tell you."
"Ok, to the point, are you single or not??"
"Single, yes. Available, no."
"why not?"
"Because."
"Because...?"
"Because I really care about the person I'm with."
"but you're single?"
"...Yes..."

In went in circles for a bit and then I just got fed up and changed the subject. Like I said, he's a nice guy, but to him girls are just flavours. He wants to try em all. Not to mention the drug charges and other criminal offenses aren't something I want to associated with really. Dont get me wrong, I mean, I care about this guy in the way that I'd care about most of my friends, sure, but it's a long... make that INDEFINITE gap between that and considering dating him. Besides... with the guy I have now... :D Like, I said to start, I'm so happy. I feel kinda bad for dean though. He thinks he has a chance. I told him "Dude, I'm not your type. What would you want with a girl like me anyways?" ...silence. I was thinking 'ha, got ya there didn't i?' lol. Then he said "well what do you want from me?" I figured "nothing" might be a little cold, so I went with

"Your respect."
"My respect?"
"Yes, your respect. If anything, I'd like to be a girl that has your respect."
"Ok, done."
"just like that? Bang, I have your respect?"
"Well I dunno, you haven't done anything to lose it, so I guess it's still there."

Question is, was there to start? Haha, man. Whatever. He told me he loved me on the phone last night and I was like well, that's a sure fire way to know that A) he either thinks i'm some starry eyed damsel thats gonna be in awe that the "bad boy" said 'I love you', or B)he has no real clue as to what love is.
Both are probable answers. I think it's interesting, the way he doesn't even really compare.... :D:D:D
I am currently Lucky
I am listening to Matt Good

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Barbara Mary "Herbert" Griffith
11/14/2003 08:59 p.m.
Woo, ok, deep calming breaths. I think I'll stay in this room for a while, cuz I'm sort of in tears. I just read barbaras newest and... I don't know. It's just hard to believe I mean that much to someone. Like, I know how many people mean that much to me.... but for some reason.... I honestly never thought I'd ever mean that much to somebody. THAT much. Like I've actually truly helped somebody. It's so strange... I spend so much time trying to help people. Trying to. Somebody needs help and I TRY to help them. But this.... I didn't do anything else but just be, be a friend, be a girl, be Trish, the friend of Barbara's, and it means that much. I never ever thought it'd mean that much. To anyone. I never thought that maybe I don't have to try to help people... I love her. That's not some random phrase I've thrown into this entry to make it seem valid. I actually do. She's brave when I'm not. When I can't face something, she faces it for me first, then puts in my face, not to scare me, but to show me it can be done. "It's not what you aren't, it's what she is, and you can't be anything but what your are." I dont think I would have stayed sane without her through the big Me Morganna Geordie Jordan deal. I don't think I would have been to go to school, or to smile, or to look back on it and think "My God, I made it through.Not just that, but everytime. If I need to talk to her, she'll drop everything and talk to me. She'll pull me out of my delusions when she sees I'm drowning in them. She's amazing. At times she's scared, but in general I think of her and I think of someone who's not afraid of anything. She's the kind of person that will do the dirty work when no one else is strong enough to do it. And no matter what, fights or disagreements, boyfriends, crushes, girlfriends, school, whatever, she's there. She knows I can't always be there, she knows all the pressure I can be under, and I know all hers, and we dont let that get between us. She's brilliant.

On the other hand

Thank god theres only one, cuz the worlds not ready for two. Neither is andrew.
I am currently Awestruck

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stress?
11/14/2003 06:55 a.m.
Uh oh. I can feel it. Its like a boulder rolling around inside my brain and everytime I try to grab that floaty thing it rolls over my hand and breaks my fingers. I feel it. It's knotting up. I don't know what. Does stress do this? I need to chill out. I think I'm starting to become over worked. School Monday to Friday (english french biology peercounselling). Stage Band Tuesday morning, Thurday after school. Jazz Combo Wednesday and Friday morning. Soccer thursday nights and sundays. Not just doing all of this, no, but being at the top of it all. "Succeeding" 24/7. As in every class. Praise in everything else. Fundraisers for all of it, because my family isn't super rich. Trips, meetings, deadlines, dues... AHHH!! Not to mention an attempt at a social life with parents that always say no. Well thats not fair, not always. They're alot better than they were I'll tell ya that. but it's hard when everyone I'm close to has more freedoms than me. Seriously, I can think of 2 people who are 15 that I can relate to almost totally. Thats Jen and Becca. Jen's in alberta. Becca goes to MIH and I dont see her often either.

Whatever, I guess this weeds people out. If they can't cope with it then I'm obviously not worth enough to them. Like Barbara. Barbara understands that I can't do everything or go everywhere. That doesn't change our friendship. Jen's a million miles away and I dont call her let alone see her as much as I want to, but she's still my sister. Pah.... I'm just sick of feeling like there's a knot in my gut. I need to relax. *takes calming breaths* *thinks certain happy thoughts* *smiles*
there thats better


I am currently Better

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Kisses
11/14/2003 06:12 a.m.

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.



I am currently O.K.

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--
11/13/2003 09:34 p.m.
I decided to enter this months thank you teen patron contest. I just wrote my entry. I wasn't going to enter, because sadly I couldn't think of something I was thankful for. I like writing in this room. I'm in a spare counsellors office in my school. I can't hear anyone, it's just me, a comp, a shut door and an hour and a half. brilliant. I can't write well enough at home. My comps connected to my parents room, so the juicy stuff one gets written when they're out or making supper or whatev. I hope to get to Jordans house after stage band to watch tv, but my dads gotta work (moneymoneymoney, as always right) so I might not have anyway to get there. Sorry doll! anyways, there's the bell.
I am currently Better

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pah...
11/12/2003 06:00 p.m.
"I'm gonna have 2 kids by the time i'm 22"
"...why?"
"So that I can be a cool mom, you know? Because my auntie, she got pregnant young, and she's a cool mom, and my mom, she got pregnant when she was old, and she's a bitch."

:| *blinkblink* riiiiiiiiight.

I was just remembering that comment, made by this chick in my french class named michelle. I was staring into her face thinking "You're an idiot." She's not only basing HER life around being cool, but her future children's lives too. She's like "Ya, I'm going to marry young, and the guys gonna be rich and I'll never have to work." I'm all thinking "hooray for the canadian workforce." She worked at Geordie's work for a while and couldn't come in on time or even do her job. I wonder about these kinds of people. Her biggest aspiration in life is to be a "cool" mom and pop out a couple of babies by the time she's 22. She doesn't plan on working, she probably thinks that some handsome sweet, funny and charming man's gonna pop up out of no where with a wad of cash or 3 to spare an be like "Wow, you're everything I've ever looked for in a woman, will you marry me?" I guess that all depends on what he's looking for, really. Different men have different tastes in women, I suppose. But really, people base their lives on chance events? I mean yeah, many events are chance... but what happens when she maybe falls for a guys who's DUNDUNDUN--- NOT rich *gasp!!* or better yet, marries some abusive slob with a fat wallet. Yup, great man to father your 2 kids. Geez... This is the future of Canada folks. This is the generation that will next be running your country. Because it isn't just her. It people who have no backup plan. Dreaming big is the only way to get there, yes, but you need a fall back. Like mountain climbing, yes, the only way to get to the top is to climb for it, but that doesn't mean you go without any gear on you. Ugh.

I hate school right now. Hate it. It is so pointless it makes me sick. We have to write a large essay on lord of the flies. WHY? WHHHHYYY!? What will that do for me? I can analyze just about any part int he book you want me to, why do I have to waste precious hours of my life writing it out, when the rest of the class knows it too, and the only thing seperating our grades are the grammar points. If we all do it, we'll each pump out 30 copies of the same re-worded answer, and he'll dock us on "deathwords". The funniest thing is that he calls it an "essay". Why not tell it like it is? Tell us it's an extremely dry report on a book we've already learned about? If you want us to put hour hearts into 3 pages of bullshit, why not let it be bullshit WE choose? But no, we have pre assigned topics we have to follow. So basically, it's a drill on doing just what you have no passion or desire to do. School is like molding camp. They put you there to teach you how to conform, and the only way you succeed in life is if you do what they say, and keep who you are underwraps until the day you dream about when you can just "Be yourself."

Theres the bell.
I am currently Bothered

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Happiness (with a dirty add on)
11/11/2003 12:05 a.m.
Wow.... Feelings of euphoria.... Everythings turned out rather well. My student from Hong Kong is so cool, we get along so well. Things are going great with everyone and everything. My parents are letting me have a bit of a life, I'm on top of school, I have a sister, even my dog's being nice. It's strange to be so happy. I've got about 5 unfinished poems that I can't put together to sum up what I feel.

Yesterday was so sweet. I went over to Jordan's house and watched fight club. Very trippy movie. Reminded me of that turning point in a beautiful mind where you don't know what side to believe or what to think. Very cool. I can't stop smiling when I'm around Jordan. It's impossible. I tried, it doesn't work. everything feels so right and I just can't help thinking that the word NEVER really is a huge word... a dangerous word. I word that shouldn't be used too lightly. I'm smiling just thinking about him. It's crazy. There were times where we'd just look at each other, and the hugest grins would come to our faces, followed by the biggest hugs in the world. I didn't want to ever have to let go. But I can't say anything to my parents. Because the moment I say I like a guy, security clamps down. it sucks. But what do I care? For the moment all is well with the world. Now the challenge is how do you get good poetry out of contentness? I guess we'll soon find out... ************************************************************* Ok, so it's still the 10th, and I'm adding to this entry because I don't want to make another. I wrote a poem. It's kinda like an orgasm really. Finishing a poem finally, when you've been dying to for what feels like forever. I mean, ya, you've got your half-done poems that are never really the bang you'd like them to be, like your first blowjob. But those aren't really up to snuff, so you try again and again, and it's like one bad bj after another. And then you finally finish a poem, and it's actually to your liking, and it's like WHAM!! RELEASE! And you can finally get to sleep at night, you know? Without that perpetual knawing inside you like a jones when you want it so bad. When all you do all day is think "poem, poem, poem, there's a poem. I want to make a poem, I NEED to write a poem. Can you help me write it? Wanna inspire me? ;)" And then you lie back after you finish your poem, and you're like "wow... that was... wow... Was it as good for you as it was for me?" But then, then you realize that there's no one there, that you wrote it all by yourself. So in conclusion poetry is a metaphor for masturbation... that is, until you collaborate ;)
I am currently Great
I am listening to Ling talking to Keemo.

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BarsbyVSBallenas
11/07/2003 06:52 p.m.
In B block again. Tristans here (the kid I'm scribing for, remember?) but he's made a concious decision not to do anything except read Harry Potter (good choice, good choice) So i'm here, writing away as usual. I tend to be a writaholic at times. I'll have long droughts where there'll be nothing there at all, then BAM! you can't stop me from writing on and on and on. You think some of my entries are long now? I tell ya, if I ever wrote as much as I WOULD write, were I not taking into consideration you guys reading, I'd wear my fingertips down to the bone. Crazy crazy stuff. I'm going to the big "Barsby VS Ballenas" Football game today after school, Barsby being my school, ballenas being the arch enemy. The two teams are pretty closely matched. Hopefully Jordan will be there and we can chang, but considering he hasn't been on pathetic since yesterday I think he might have been called into work. No biggie, supporting Barsby is what it's about. But maybe we can still watch some movies at my house tonite (That goes for anyone, Jordan, Matt, Ange, Barbara, of course). I'm going to the movies with Becca Pui Ling and other international students from MIH on saturday. We're gonna watch..... I forget. But I was excited. And hopefully Sunday night or Monday night I'll be able to steal Jordan and watch fight club or pulp fiction. we'll see, we'll see.

WEll, there's the bell, lunch time.
Tootles
I am currently Geeky

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In the time between
11/06/2003 09:12 p.m.
Hmm... ok, so I'm here, in B block, waiting for the boy I scribe for with the broken wrist to get back from the counsellors office. He won't, and the teachers knows this, so I'm here on the computer doing something i find useful.

ThudThud, ThudThud, ThudThud...

And I can't stop smiling when I think of him, and it, and everything. Except it's plain to me that in time this smile on my face may seem foolish. Maybe even stupid. Perhap even pointless. That it should not be there... because who knows... but why should I worry about what MAY come or what MIGHT be? That's not living, that's existing. PAh. Forget it. I'll keep smiling, and no one's gonna stop me. Whatever, I'm only like this when I think of him... and how much I care... and how I love the way that smile lights up when I'm with him... That alone would make being around him worth while. But thats not all of what makes being around him worth while... it's that laugh... and most of all that mind. That person there.....

Wow, Tristans Back. That's a surprise...
Overand out.

I am currently Amazed
I am listening to Nothing at all.

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BRILLIANT!
11/06/2003 06:15 a.m.

You are 32% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

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