POTD!! XD
12/04/2003 07:41 p.m.
Poem of the Day!! Yay! My first ever. I'm so proud, in part cuz that was my first abcedarian. Yay! I didn't even notice at first. I checked my incoming message and found a note from Jordan going "You got POTD! YAY!!" Or something like that. It was great, I was like "huh?!" Brilliant.... lol, now I can join the ranks with Jordan and Barbara haha. Yay. :D
I am currently Proud
I am listening to Tima nd Ansgar in German.

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Missed by 20 min/ Dean (again)
12/04/2003 06:43 a.m.
Arg, I was hoping to chat a bit with Jordan tonite on pathetic here, but I missed him by like, 20 minutes cuz I was on the phone with Dean. Who is still trying not so subtly to come on to me. what a guy. Whatever, I'm sending the message that I'm his PAL, not his girlfriend-in-waiting. He thinks he's master of the game. That's ok, I can let him think what he wants. Dean's a nice guy, really, don't get me wrong. I'm just not willing to subject myself to his girly mood swings, lol. He's got a really short temper and he doesn't laugh enough, but apparently he's not into any "bad stuff" anymore because he realized it wasn't good for him. I'm not sure if I buy it.... It's strange when you talk to someone you used to care about so much. You feel that shadow of the way you felt before there, but in this case.... it's a shell, you know? It's there, and it's still what it was... but it's pale in comparison to everything else in my life right now. Not that this guys welfare doesn't matter to me. It does. It's just that I'm not willing to tumble in head over foot for him. I'm already head over heels. I don't need it twice. Not that it'd be the same... I don't know. I can't ever say things the right way around. He's an odd one. Calls me up for no reason, but avoids answering any of my questions except the rare few. We had some laughs though. Haha, I told him flat out "I'm not 'cool.' I'm THE most uncool person ever. I'm a total GEEK. I'm the second geekiest person I know... It's great. But I'm warning you, if you want to be my friend you have to know that I'm very, very unhip at times, mainly all the time." lol. Apparently being uncool is sexy (I was all "since when did YOU think so..."), and he didn't want me talking to his cousin because he was afraid his cousin would hit on me ("why do you care?"). Funny boy. Once again, whatever. It's so odd when exs call you up. You can remember all the flirting you used to do, AND all the reasons why you're not together anymore. In his case, there are many reasons. Alas, tis 10:43 and I should be off to sleep.

Jordan, if you're reading this, sorry I missed you babe. I'm saying good night to you anyways.

[x o x o]
I am currently Tired
I am listening to bzzzzzzzzzzz

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Temporal Expletives v1.0
12/03/2003 05:29 p.m.
READ

Temporal Expletives v1.0

By Lee J Uhen. This guy is just... wow... just read it. Forget that it's long. Yes, it's long. So long. Very Long. But read it and picture it through. Read any of his stuff. He's too good to be human.
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to Tim, who just walked into my

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NewPoem
12/03/2003 03:57 a.m.
*shudders* I just wrote a topic poem that disgusts me. Seriously disgusts me. I don't know how it came out. I don't want to say it's mine, but it is, and in a weird way, I'm really proud of it. Proud of being able to write something that... I don't know. To me it's just wrong... so wrong... the end. But that's because of.... other things I've been told. It's just... I'm just scared of me sometimes.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to PW

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misc
12/02/2003 07:56 p.m.
So here I am in the library at lunch with Tim, helping him with biology ("Boiling water reduces the risk of being infected by harmful bacteria"). Fun fun stuff. And I can't drink my coke cuz the librarian caught me with it. I guess too many stupid kids spill pop on the machines. Sad sad thing. anyways, wish I was in b block right now so I could just sit around and do nothing.... I'm thinking about this guy named Tony. He's stupendous. I'm going over to his house today after school to chang. Fun fun fun. I really like the new set up of pathetic dot org. The features are pretty rad. Like journal comments and faves and stuff. And the new front page. All I can say is hats off to the creators :). Oh, speaking of journal comments I was wondering if maybe some of you guys I talk to more often, or anyone else who's really feeling like it, could read my new poem (snowdrift's wispy songlike something) and tell me if you think it should go in this months contest. I just whipped it off, but I might write a different one depending on whether or not I think (and you think) it'll be suitable. I'd just really appreciate your guys opinions. Annnny ways, I'll probably write more in B block, last class. Ugh. I missed jazz band this morning. I knew I was forgetting something. I think I'm overscheduling, but therss nothing I'm willing to get rid of as of yet. I guess i'm just not stressed enough yet :P. Pah. Anyways...
*thoughts of JuJubes dance in the head*...
I am currently Calm
I am listening to Tim

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Hoorah!
12/01/2003 04:25 a.m.
Hoorah for 2 things. 1, my team won our game in Comox against Comox for the first time this season, 1-0. I was soooo stoked. They were calling, they were passing, they were taking shots, I was saving shots, it was brilliant. The other hoorah is Hoorah, 2 poems on top 10 creative, for this moment, which is rad.

I've been thinking about how Morgannas been reading on Pathetic. it makes me wonder if she reads this stuff, my stuff. I know she reads Jordans cuz he told me she read I Dreamt you Crashed... I wonder what that was like. I wonder what it'd be like to find a site where it seems like the world revolves around you.... odd... And to not know what emotions you read are still there or not. Like I know I've written poems about Mo, some being bitter and some not.... but I know that month to month.... even week to week or day to day the way I feel about her shifts. Not changes, just shifts. And it's never really negative. If you knew Morganna, you'd know she's not an easy person to hate... I just can't get over how strong she is. I know she isn't always because no one is, but I think she's gone through more than either me or Jordan has through this whole ordeal. And to find out and that me and him are together again... I also can't get over how strong Jordan is. Barbara said that before, I know, but he's got some crazy conflicting emotions going through his head sometimes and to able to stay sane... Sometimes I wonder if he ever sees Mo when he looks at me. But really, me and her have big differences when you look close, so I know that's not all too reasonable, but still... I mean he's told me about some of the harder phone convos with her he's had to have, about how this whole ordeal never seems to end... I've always admired how he can put his eye on something and win it. The only problem for him can be knowing what he wants. But not too many guys could be able to make some of the choices he's had to make. He could have gone to Camosun and chased her. I thought for sure he would. Instead he's doing what he wants to do, and going to Calgary next year (or not, depending on the football thing he was telling me about one night). I don't know. in any event, I've decided I'm not going to worry. You know, it's crazy. I was telling Barbara one day how I had come to a crazy realization. I dreamt/pictured (I'm not really sure, coulda been one of those asyoufallasleep dreams or a real one...) Jordan breaking down again, in tears, telling me about how much he misses her and all of that. Telling me detail by detail all of things they used to share together and how they're gone. How that time is gone. I even pictured him saying how he feels like he wants all of it back, sometimes. In that daydream there, I sat by his side, holding him in comfort, not just as his girlfriend, but as an actual friend, telling him it'll be alright. Telling him things will be fine. That he would be fine. That I'm here. thinking about that was the craziest thing.... I realized just how much I'm willing to be there for him. The words this Jordan said hurt me somewhere far away, but right then and there all I wanted was to stop him from hurting. And I mean, I understand. I understand that you can't severe ties clean, you know? It's not that easy. And theres nothing that would make me not want him to have her as a friend. Every good person deserves a friend like her. I know he's gonna miss her now and then, sometimes more and sometimes less. But I think as long as I know that after the flood is over... memory flood that is. It just happens... As long as I know that afterwards, he'll still be smiling for me... I don't know. I don't even know how to say it right. The way I said is as close as I can think of. I know he loves her. He's always going to love her. I'm always going to love Geordie. You can't just stop after loving someone for that long. Not when they never intentionally hurt you. But I just sat there thinking about how crazily willing I am to go through something like that. something that could potentially hurt me... Although I don't think it would now like it would have before. Like it did before, really. Pah, I don't know. I just know I mean it when I tell him that I love him.
I am currently Glad
I am listening to My brother making jokes in the living room. His birthday.

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ProjectWyze/The "Talk" with mom, lol
11/30/2003 06:35 a.m.
Listening to Eyes Wide Shut by Project Wyze. I haven't listened to these guys in a while, I forgot how much I liked them. this song is great. I'll post the lyrics, gimme a sec to find em.

Alright, here they are.

Eyes wide Shut Project Wyze

Tangled in the webs that she weaves
Dangling in disbelief, trapped I cant breathe
She's the one that left me
Stranded feeling empty
Now I'm all alone reading the letters that she sent me

Tired of playing games
Tired of being in last place
You say I move to fast pace, who are you to judge?
If only you can love the way you hate me,
everythings so shaky
Broken, lost, crushed, all the above
Too many mistakes, too many bad breaks and bad luck
Too many lies and closed eyes, now I'm stuck in a bad rut
You said you'd be committed from the beginning 'till end
I can't believe you said we're better off just being friends

I can't believe this
You can just walk away
I can't believe this
Each and every other day
I can't believe this
Now my mind is blown
I can't believe
That I am all alone

EYES, into a place that I take you
WIDE, you see I just can't replace you
SHUT, and now my heart it breaks in two
Follow, follow, Eyes Wide Shut

You thought you left me empty handed, stranded and broken hearted
Mistreated and cheated so take it back to where we started
To the first time we met and the first time we kissed
Together forever, well what have I missed?
If only you can see just how I feel and what you mean to me
I never thought that you could walk away so easily
You said you needed space, now you're out hanging with him
You said we can't be lovers so I know we can't be friends

I can't believe this
You can just walk away
I can't believe this
Each and every other day
I can't believe this
Now my mind is blown
I can't believe
That I am all alone

{Chorus (2X)}

Just the other day
I looked at her, she looked at me and then she walked away
'Cause I never really understood why
She could pass me by without giving us another try
So tell me what youare looking for
'Cause I donat know no more
All I know is that I feel just like my hearts been torn
And I thought I was more than just a friend
And now you're leaving me in the very end
And now my vision is a blur
All I really know is that I loved her, I loved her

I can't believe this
You can just walk away
I can't believe this
Each and every other day
I can't believe this
Now my mind is blown
I can't believe
That I am all alone

{Chorus (2X)}

******
This is just one version. I like the other one better but couldn't find the lyrics. there are a million versions of Erica too, which is another rad song. I find, I tend to find certain songs that I like and just shuffle through them, so I dont listen to much new stuff... when I do, if I really like it then I'll probably be listening to it for the next how long, lol. Like Weezer. Jordan got me listening to Weezer, and I found there were lots of songs that I liked so now thats some of the stuff I listen to, Jordan's nuts when it come to lyrics. I swear, he'll turn on the radio and be able to sing to whatever songs on there. It's nuts. Ooh, I watched Likin Park live in Texas, man do those guys put on a show. Chester was screaming up a lung. It would have been intense to be on either the stage or the crowd. They did a really cool version of "pushing me away." Oh, hey, Denial by PW just came on. It';s pretty good too. hehe, I'm such a weirdo. I listen to every thing. Oh wow, there's this one comedian, Emo Philips, oh man, funniest guy in the world. He is the biggest geek ever. If you look at the pic on JP Davies's (Jordan's) poem Recipe for disater, thats him. What a hottie. lol.

Oh in other newsI'm easing my mother into the fact that I'll be having sex in the future, using Barbara as an example of course. lol, I told her about barbaras lack of virginity, and she was all like "oh?" and asked calm (as opposed to what I expected her to be like) questions... Good sign good sign. I told her "Ya, she hasn't told her mom cuz she's scared what her mom will say. She's afraid the minute she does her mom's gonna yank the leash on all of her freedoms, you know, keep her and andrew away from eachother." which is probably some of her fears, and which is all of my fears. she was like "So if she tells her mom that, doesn't that sort of corner her mom? Like, she isn't allowed to say no to her going somewhere or she'll bring that up... is that what'll happen?" I was like "no no no, she can still say no, but it's gotta be for the same reasons it'd be if she wasn't having sex right?" she goes "Oh yeah, thats fair..." I told her "You can't stop kids from having sex. You might as well just make sure they're safe right?" "Does that go for you too?" "Of course. We have an agreement. I'll tell you the truth and you can't get angry OR yank MY leash." "Are you telling me you're going to be having sex soon?" "I'm telling you it's a possibility." "You don't even have a boyfriend." Now, here I considered saying many things, such as "Mom, I've sorta been seeing Jordan for the past while", or "Mom, I've had the oppourtunities before..." or something like that, but instead I just opted for "That's not the point mom, I'm just trying to tell you that if I wanted to I would, and our agreement is you have to be nice, and I have to tell you." I'm undecided as to what I will do if I hold up my end of the bargain and she doesn't. I'd be having sex anyways, that for sure. There'd probably be alot more rule breaking.
Meh, whatever. Right now i'm trying to think about how I can bring about the fact that I'm with Jordan without the leash tightening. Or if I even will. God I couldn't stand less freedom. But I think I've been going over there enough now that if I suddenly they said I couldn't I could put up a good arguement. With a good enough arguement, i can do whatever I want. It's just usually I can see what they mean, even I don't agree with it. I just don't know if I'm gonna risk it. See if I keep things the way they are, the freedom wont get cut short, and I could just not tell her and have sex, but that would A) break my deal with her, which I dont particularily want to do, and B) mean condoms condoms condoms for sure because I couldn't go on the pill because I dont have time for a job. So if she'll probably take it well, then I'll tell her the truth.... I just need to guess when will be the right time. I think I oughta hang around Jordan and Matt more though. Get her further used to the fact that I see them often. You could call it trapping her, or strategy, whatever. Or if I dont tell her the truth, I'll probably feel guilty... so I don't know. I'll tell her... I just need a good "when."
I am currently Crafty
I am listening to PW

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Seasons/sore cack (get it?)
11/27/2003 09:11 p.m.
Wow, what a charged time lately... everyone's missing someone. It's like the change of seasons, when you find that things start to shift around... like a test or like a trick some God is playing. Don't you notice? peoples relations, whether it be with family or friends or lovers tends to shift through seasons, and the ones that make it though the first tend to make it through the others. I think maybe I'm not making sense. This is sorta based on what I've observed in people for a long long time... but its funny because when you weather though them and get to when it's sunny again, the cold never seems as cold as it seems then. You almost laugh about the big deal you made... that is, until the fall and winter come around... but then spring and summer come... it's strange.... I'm being kinda random, using analagies that maybe dont quite fit. Everyone's been having rather crappy days lately. Barbara has for sure, and I'm thinking Jordan hasn't been having a great time of late either, for obvious reasons. Everything flip flops from looking really tough to looking insanely simple. I just need to established what viewpoint gives me what view.
In other news, I wrote a reply poem to a poem that was half directed at me, sorta, but I'm not sure if I want to post it here. It's not because I don't want people I know and see to read it, it's more because I'm not sure if I want anyone to read it. I don't often write personal poetry (as in poetry intended only for me) but this might be one... I'm not sure. Maybe in a few days... *meh* I don't know.
Staddling a fence has never been easy.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to girls voices (sometimes girl's voices annoy me. Like now.)

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Head
11/26/2003 02:35 a.m.
"... and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane..."

Ahh so pretty. It's stuck in my head. Speaking of head, I went over to the house of "this guy I'm seeing" *winkwink* and there were 1 things that pissed me off. 2 actually. First and foremost, the fact that the stated sex act could not take place. This was the result of the other thing that pissed me off... the fact that I had no clue when I was to be picked up, and didn't wanna leave a job half done. Goddamn it! So... I took a rain check :P, and I intend to make my next visit memorable. We have concluded that there a conspiracy against us that make it so that our schedules do not coincide. *sigh*... on top of all that, I'm on the rag, and so there'll be none for me until next week.... but hey, come to think of it.... at least we know that the next time we chang it'll rather.... stimulating, lol. So yes... pah. *shakes fist* next time...
I am currently Restless

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Artistic, and a Seer like Matt
11/24/2003 06:51 p.m.

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.



Seer


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

I am currently Good

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