Last of today's, I promise
12/16/2003 06:57 a.m.
Tonight, I think I'll sleep soundly.
I am currently Content
I am listening to Shania Twain From the Living room ("From this Moment")

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More
12/15/2003 10:13 p.m.
Potential can be the most attractive quality in a person. Is that wrong? I don't know what to do or think. I'm thinking, maybe he really needs time away from both me and her. He'll probably not get it considering shes here in 2 days. God I need to talk to her. Not to conspire against him or whatever, but just to talk to her, to see where she is with everything. Where her heart is at. You know the thing is I'm beyond caring about whther he wants to be with me or with her. i mean, not totally beyond caring, because obviously I want to be with him, but things would be so much easier if he would just say "Trish, I'm going for Mo. That's the end of it." I'd cry, but its no different from what I'm doing now. I'd be hurt, but it hurts to question whther he can tell me he loves me and mean it. It hurts to be second best when it comes to love. It hurts to think that nothing I do will help because he wont let me in to his heart or his head the way he does with her. It hurts to lose something so precious to a shadow. To a memory. I feel like he always forgets how to love me when she walks into a room. How to love anyone or anything, including himself, vanishes from his mind when he sees her. Or hears her. Or thinks of her. When she's there, somewhere in the back of it all he loves me. The painful thing is when she's there, he seems indifferent to that love. i told him last night "I don't ever want you to look at me smiling and think 'god I wish that was her smiling there anymore than you might have already.'" and I don't. Not ever. I don't ever ever want him to have to go through wishing I was someone else. Not only is that painful to him, but I'm worth more than that, and I know it. I love him with all I am, but I also love all I am and there's only so much I can take without hurting myself. Now granted, it's a large amount, but still there are some limits, in a sense. In a sense there are none. As long I know he cares. As long as I know he loves me, i'm fine. I'm here as a lover & a friend so long as he loves me. If he doesn't, then I'm here as a friend. But you can't know some of the little things thats let me know she's always there. He can't go less than I day hanging out with me without mentioning her. even at the best of times this was the case. He apologized to her on the phone for the lies when he told them to her. We talked for hours and never did he ever really, directly to me, say "I'm sorry I lied to you for so long." He said it by telling me his apology to her. And then silence. I waited. I waited to see whether it would occur to him to apologize to his current girlfriend who he tells he loves every time he sees. To the girl who is gladly listening to him whenever he needs it. To that... to that seemingly souless person who is willing to be there again and again and only thinks "hey, a sincere apology would be nice." but there was silence until I said "Is that to her or to me?" "To her... and to you I guess..." I know it might not seem like a big deal. I don't know I'm not sure just how it sounds, but to me... I don't know. I have people telling me every day "You should never have to be second best." I'm willing to be second best so long as he's moving away from all the what ifs he thinks he can rectify. Maybe he can recitify them. As I told Mo, I'm So messed up...
I am currently Bemused
I am listening to nothing.

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The Word Game
12/15/2003 07:26 p.m.
Possession: Barbara
Bubblewrap Devotion Pope Detatchment Public Mask Photograph Memory Soul Sacrifice Fear Belief Hope Misunderstaing Distrust Trust Apathy Relentlessly Forever Instant.

Round 1: Trish


Possession: Barbara
Herbavore Shredder Regeneration Fission Fool Success Corporation Bodies Ocean Desire Communication Disconnection Lust Assumptions Telephone Flight College Scenario

Round 2: Draw
I am currently Better
I am listening to announcement

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ack,.
12/15/2003 04:14 p.m.
I woke up this morning with a physical sense of heaviness in me. I did not want to get up. i did not want to see the world this morning. I wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep and dream and not be rushed from it all. Last night I had a dream that morganna came over to my house and we hung out like best friends. She went downstairs and slept in my spare bed. Then he came over. I told him Mo was downstairs, and cautiously, like she's some bomb or biohazard, we creep down the stares. When we get there and he sees her, he freezes. Then the phone rings. He sits on the bed beside her, but she gets up when I pick up the phone and look worried. I tell her to the side that its barbara, and she begs for the phone to help her feel better. At this point I give her the phone, and me and Jordan look at eachother. You get the sense that somethings about to take place... and then I wake up. I don't know. I feel like i should be hurt. To an extent, I am. I found out that the person I love has told all the people he loves lies, to their faces, day after day, for 2 and a half years. I feel like I can't live up to her. I hate this. I hate it. Not being here for him, not caring about him. Just feeling like I'll never be enough to keep his eye. But sometimes it seems no girl is, so why should I harbour false hope that I'll be. I wonder how well my face blends in the crowd to him, you know? I can't stand the thought of my heart being jerked around more than it has been, which is probably good because I dont know if thats possible. I want to make all his confusion and hurt go away. God.... I think if he could only see everything he could be if he just opened his eyes to what he is and has, he'd love himself too. But instead.... arg. I just want to scream. Want to cry. Want to laugh. I do the latter most. I wrote poems until 2:30 last night in my journal. I really did wake up with an ache and a weight in me... I just want to know what he wants. If I'm some obstacle he's placing infront of himself because he thinks he loves me. I told him last night "If you're deluding yourself, stop. Now. And don't worry about what I'll feel. If you dont love me, if you dont really care, if this is just another act, stop. don't lie to yourself on my hearts behalf." He was silent for a very long time... before saying that he thinks he cares, because why else would he be back.... I said ok... and we continued. Theres just so much....
I am currently Detached

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everything
12/13/2003 07:37 p.m.
This journal feature on pathetic is brilliant. We tell the world our heart and soul and desperately hope that the people we see everyday don't find what's posted on the world wide web. It's so interesting. It's like a cry for help through a semi secret media. Like symbols strategically (or not so strategically) hidden in a famous painting. And when you have friends on here, you can tell them anything you want to tell them without actually saying it. You can say the craziest, most blaspheming things you've ever imagined to them, and when they see you in person, all you have to do is say "Oh, I was just in a mood." Cuz, you know, everyone says things they dont really mean when they're in a mood. And you know, sometimes it Is just a mood. Othertimes it's a dangerous truth you don't want to unleash all at once, but just leak out bit by bit so that you can gauge reactions. This journal is like a collection of semi-commitment confessions broadcasted to everyone who happens to find the right URL. And we don't know who all reads it. We think we do, sure, but how many other people might be following the trail of thoughts in your headspace? How many people that you don't know about will read your thoughts and look at you differently tomorrow? How many of us really don't care. I mean really. I mean what if your history prof is an avid poet and loves to read the new works on pathetic.org and stumbles across your new erotica piece? Lol, maybe the real question is how's this gonna effect your grade (I guess it depends on her fetishes right)? I mean, the same can happen with your pastor or sunday school teacher or your old kindergarten teacher or something. I just find that highly amusing. Then there are the journal entries we right about other people that we secretly hope they will read because of the sliver of the chance it will get them thinking in the direction we want them too. Everyone has one of those at least. And there's ALWAYS a good chance they'll start thinking alright, right in the direction you dont want them to think. Thats why you dont tell them to their faces. You post it in on an online journal in hopes that if they find the journal God must have put a hand in there somewhere, and all the more chance we'll get them to do or say or think what we'd like them to. And then there's just the simple fun of watching how somebodies thought processes work. Take this very entry. One can discover alot about how my brain works by just reading this entry and thinking about the way I've put things together. If you study enough entries, eventually you can discover patterns in how they jump from one thought to another to another. Like when people hold up inkblots and tell you to say what you're mind first jumps to. You can assume that if five people say "circus" to a random inkblot they must think in sort of the same way. I wonder if maybe by doing this, and reading enough of their rambling entries, maybe you could jump to their conclusions for them. It would be like mindreading, only instead of actually reading their minds, you just know how the software works so well that you can "predict" their answers. But hey, once you could do that well enough you could almost assume their identity. What would stop you? If you could answer everyquestion for them, the way THEY would answer it, that would be a step to becoming who they are. If you watched long enough you could pick up on behaviour habits and mannerisms that are theirs alone (or at least, the combination of these wouldn't be likely to show up in another person). If you could do that with mannerisms, you could do that with every other trait that makes them unique, given pathetic.orgs journals as a window into their heads...

crazy...
I am currently Creative

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Feels so good to write some more...
12/09/2003 03:47 p.m.
Well, this past weekend was, shall we say, eventful? I'm not about to go into details here, because doing so would take more time than I have this morning. Let's just stick with the facts. I found out something new (long suspected, but new) about people, which is no biggie, because hey, things happen right? I've also been discovering many things about people I'm close to. Things you'd THINK I already had figured out, but instead, the harder I look the more I find. Now it's just the way I deal with the information that makes the differece. Isn't that always the case? It's not the facts themselves but how you choose to DEAL with the facts that decides whether you're happy or not.

For the moment, I'm happy. Cautious as all hell, but happy. I've also discovered more the things I have different and even MORE things I have in common with people. 3 people, as of late, all of who have been there for me lately while I go through the usual ups and downs. Sometimes I think "God, was I just an idiot for letting it happen again?" They all assure me I'm not, which is nice of them. I'm not sure of anything lately and I hate it. I'd like to think that when he says he loves me he means it. I mean, I know when he says it he does, but as the day wears on it switches, and switches back, and switches, and switches back. I know it's not going to be some overnight change, but's it's hard to know when he'll say it back and when he won't, you know? Guessing "do you love me today? ok, if I call back in 2 hours will you love me then too?" isn't easy. I'm willing to go through all the tough stuff to be with him, but I have to 'take out some insurance' on my heart as well. It's like, yes, i'll fling myself off a bridge but I would like a bungee too please. Ack.... whatever. I'm plenty used to rollercoaster rides, and a bit more experienced at handling them. We'll see what events take place and what events don't and whatever. All of this is just up to the people in the situation. The worst thing a person can do is give up all their control and let whatever emotions are coursing through them to go rampant. If we did that then any time we thought of a long dead granny we'd bawl in the streets. But pah, I have my whole philosphy of being able to control anything you feel if you really want to. It's the wanting part you have to get over, not the ability. Meh, but thats enough from Dr. De Gracia today. I think I'll write a poem, or try to.
I am currently Fine
I am listening to nothing

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Mo in play
12/07/2003 01:31 a.m.
I'm here in Oak Bay right now, waiting to go to morgannas show. I seriously cannot wait. I talk to her on MSN last night at barbaras. She sounds like she's doing well, which makes me happy. I didn't realize how much I missed that personality until I talked to her. Man oh man... she's so awesome. She was telling me about how she's going to be a tree in her play, Brahm and the Angel. Lol, I told her, you know, I was a tree in a play once ;), hahaha. We officially started the 2Person Halfie Cucumber Mafia, lol. That's the kind of person she is. crazy enough to start a 2Person Halfie Cucumber Mafia. Now if THAT isn't the coolest thing ever, then just what is? The shows at 8, and it's 5:25. I'm listening to this rad version of Mack the Knife, and the guy just did a Satchmo impression that would make me and Jen so proud, lol. Mack the Knife is one of the 12 most popular jazz songs ever, as stated by this book I read in the library. I was proud to know most of the ones on that list. Star Dust, St Louis Blues, Lush Life (LOVE that one), As Time Goes By... brillant. Man this Michael Buble guy is awesome. He's the guy that did the Mack the Knife, and I'm listeing to his version of the Spiderman Theme. Brilliant stuff here... brilliant I say.
I am currently Cool
I am listening to spiderman

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Breathe in, breathe out...
12/05/2003 10:20 p.m.
Alrighty, now that that heartfelt venting is out, I find I can function more easily. As me and and jordan both agree, sometimes you need to write things down. get them out. I'm afraid because sometimes my ventings are more paranoid than I really am.... it's just the word in my head get carried away with each other. For those of you who know me most will agree I'm not as spastic as I can sometimes seem on this sight.

Mmm.... wasabi peas. I was looking forward to them all day and I come home to a scant little pile in the bottom of the bag. My dad turned out to be the culprit *shakes fist*. I am now enjoying those tiny treats all to myself (mmm, it burns so good...).

I'm hoping to chang with barbara tonite. She is splendid. She's a lifesaver. I've told you all that before, but really, she is. No, really. anyways yes, turrah, I just wanted to let the word know that I'm calmer and more relaxed. Kettles yellin, gotta go.
I am currently Better
I am listening to yellin kettle

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Dear
12/05/2003 06:34 p.m.
I want to. I don't know if I ever can, but I want to. If something died that day in you then I want to help something new grow. Not in the same place. Never in the same place (I'm not that selfish). But maybe something there beside the empty spot your pour yourself into.

I don't blame you. I can't blame you. I know what she was to everyone, and that she's countless times that to you. I understand that I'll never smile quite that way, and I don't think you know how many times I used to wish that my laugh could make you smile the way hers must have. I'm sorry for everything that I've been the cause of. If it weren't for me maybe you would have grown together and had little half-halfie babies if only I had kept my problems to myself.

I want you to know that I can hear it in your voice when your steps aren't as sure as the ones that come before it. I want you to know that that's ok, because I know why they aren't. I want you to know I'm so sorry. For being part of the cause of you losing that light in your life, and if I can ever shine half that bright I'll try everything I can to. You know I'm not her. I knew that you knew that when you told me you loved me and put my name on the end of it. I could hear the backround in your head saying something though. Saying she's still there. I know that she is and I'm alright with that, as long as I know that I'm in there too. As long as you mean what you say, I'm ok. I'm alright.

I don't harbour false hope that I'll ever be that girl to you, because nobody will ever replace that spot she put in your heart. Somebody might be it's equal, but no one can fill it. I don't know what I am to you, and I'm not sure what I will be, but please believe when I tell you that I love you. I love you and that means even if she's floating in the whitenoise backround in your head. Head to toe, inside and out, I love you for everything you are, including the thoughts that confuse you or make you think you're the scum of the earth. You aren't. You're a beautiful person who's figuring it all out just like the rest of us.

You once told me no regrets, and I agreed. We both went back on that word. We both have regrets. But I don't regret jumping back into this mess with you, because I'm not jumping it alone. For better or worse, I care enough about you to stick around when most other girls would leave. It's not everyday a girl is crazy enough about you to jump into it twice. I wrote it before, I'd be here if you ever needed someone to listen to everything about her that made you so joyful then, and everything you miss. I promise you, I wouldn't shed a single tear apart from wishing it didn't hurt you so much. I promise you.

You make me so happy it's insane. If you're fine, then alright. If you need time to think and sort everything out, I'll give it to you. Anything. I risked it for a reason, and I'm not about to fold now.
... Sorry if this is too much, it's just whats in my headspace right now. I'll talk to you later on the phone.
I am currently Better
I am listening to Aaron

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Remembering Her
12/05/2003 04:49 a.m.
I'm here and I'm rememebering everything about you, from the time I first saw you at the airport until now. Dark dark skin. A boy. A little Boy and his older sister sitting with me in an airport chair while the people move around us. You're tongue couldn't bend around a single word of English, that I can recall. In the months that passed after that your mouth still held the thick access of an accent you've completely lost by now. that's the point you see. I remember playing in the backyard and making a salad out of garden weeds and neither of us being brave of stupid enough to try it. I remember watching through the crack in the door as you screamed and cried and the belt came down on the hives that had swelled all over your legs, blotchy and red, because you were allergic to the weeds. I rememebr not understanding why, and walking away from that room in my house. That room is now storage space. that's my point again. Later, when you felt better and had stopped crying, I rememebr creeping into the room, and you sat there with your tears just breifly stopped. I brought in my teaset that changed colour with water and we played at that until your random choking sounds stopped and you could laugh. I remember playing the backyard again even when we weren't allowed, shooting a toy bow and arrow at eachother. I remember being about 8 and going to your house and knowing that you and your sister would be hiding from me. I remember crying because you hid. I remember games where we locked eachother up and tried to see who could get out the fastest. Forts in your new backyard. The many different town houses with the many different windows. a tree outside one, the back outside another. Cows... there were cows in your backyard. Our fort had a red phone and a yellow chair that you still have somewhere. it had something in it that rattled. I rememebr the blue fish in the bucket that grew with water. Trying to set the field out back on fire on blade of grass at a time. Hockey in #8 with the kids next door. I remember impersonating a guy who was 18 to get the cute redhead you wanted. I remember being in your mothers room in the house your in now, talking to that red head for the first time on the phone. If it weren't for her, I would have even gotten to know you that much. I remember talking about how the 3 of us needed eachother. My my my how we slipped. I remember you telling your ma and my ma you were gay and the shakes that you had and how you could barely speak the words and I rememebr telling you it'd be ok. Always, always, it'd be ok. And it always was. I rememebr your first real girlfriend. I remember writing the I'm sorry letter you'd give to her for you because you could never find the right words or string to together quite as nicely as I could. I remember the cuts across your arms and the help I gave you and you gave me. I rememebr how you introduced me to your friends at barsby when I was in grade 8. I still have some of them. I remember you being the hospital. I remember you suicidal. I remember the first time you did pot and I was mad because you said you'd never do that and then you cut back on your word. I should have gotten used to it then.

I remember last week when your girlfriend was teary eyes in your bathroom talking to me about how worried she was about you. How much she cared. How she didn't want you to skip class and do whatever your doing with John and how she felt the distance you were putting between you 2 and how it made her sick. How she felt like you didn't tell her anything.

I told her I knew exactly how she felt.
I told her it's be ok.
I told her that all the caring in the world means shit to you nowadays, no matter what the hell you say to the same gorgeous redhead about how much it means to you when somebody tells you they love you. She loves you. I love you. But it doesn't matter to you anymore. That's what I'll remember.
I am currently Hurt
I am listening to Nothing.

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