More on this "Ridiculous Obsession with LOVE" (qt. Moulin Rouge)
01/04/2004 08:34 a.m.
I read his entry again. In his journal. I'm astounded. Time and again he astounds me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He loves me. He's gonna do everything and anything to make it work. He wants to be there for me when I fall, he wants me to be able to tell him anything. Those lines hit me, but they aren't what hits me most. "I love her for her." That means so much. To be loved for who I am, not who I resemble, who I'm like in any way. For me. As Trish. Not as anyone else. I read it for the first time this morning and almost cried. Almost. Then I saw him (he had just walked across town through the snow and ice to get to my house) and I just smiled so wide, and he just smiled back. He's my first kiss of this year. He is amazing. I wrote something in my blue journal at home about wanting to be a constant, selfless love, and to see what that can do. Well, being a constant, selfless love has brought me pain and chained me to a situation that would have otherwise been easy to leave in one sense, and impossible to leave in another. I'm glad I didn't. I'm so glad I didn't. I may have said it before, but really, I AM the luckiest girl in the world. So lucky to have a second chance with him. I remember not being with him and thinking "God, I'll never get to kiss those lips again." you know? And now... now I'm so happy. And he's grown up so much from the boy he was before... I mean, in alot of ways he's still a boy, of course (I don't think anyone really grows up all the way anyways) but it's like his ideals of love have rounded out. He still loves me when my parents go "You're 15, there's stuff you just can't do." You know, and it's true. I am 15. There ARE things I can't do, places I can't go, times I can't be out at. That's part of the package 'Trish de Gracia' rightnow. But now instead of getting frustrated, he accepts that as a part of it all. He accepts when I say 'no, wait.' And he holds me to it even when I don't want to. He keeps me sane. I was so worried before. Worried I could say something or do something and he would run. Worried if I couldn't go out at one point, he would run. Worried that if Morganna wanted him again and went for it, he'd run. But I'm not afraid of any of that anymore. Not because I don't care, but because for once, I can honestly say that I trust him with my heart and with my body and with my soul. I love him, and he knows it, and he loves me, and I know that, and to top it all off... it's genuine. Finally for both of us it isn't just infatuation, but actually caring. Really truly not wanting the other one to hurt, for any reason. It's funny, I caught myself doing something nice for him today. He had to walk through the cold to get to my house, and I thought, "hmm, he might like hot chocolate when he gets here..." and then I thought, wait. Would I have done that for Geordie for no real reason? Hehe, he didn't drink the hot chocolate though, cuz he bundled up pretty well. Either way, I was kinda suprised at myself. Man, I'm letting this guy get way too deep into my skin :P:P:P.
I am currently Lucky
I am listening to (BTW, if you don't know who This Guy is, JP Davies on pathetic)

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Very long freewrite...
01/02/2004 07:58 a.m.
I've never known a smile like this one. To think of all the times his emotions and antics have turned me upside down... the dizziness.... except god knows I love the view once the nauseas been dealt with. These are small portions of everything I write. I write on paper in many places. I write on napkins and scraps of english assignments and on myself. I write here. I write about everything. I write about little things like heartaches and sex and deaths and about big things like stars in the sky. Diamonds. Smiles. Words. It's been a rough going up and down this with him and everything and now... now... now is just so surreal I feel like I almost don't deserve it. All I've done is love him. Despite everything and every word that people have uttered that essentially said WHY or DON'T or YOULL BE SORRY... I know why. I will. I'm never sorry. I don't know if loving someone entitles you to a love that feels like this. This is just... this is something I.. haha you know there are times where I feel like I'm saying too much? Like I'll break the spell if I say anymore. I'm shocked. He's read things only I've seen. I can bet money on the shade of red I must have turned. THAT'S being naked. It's not lying there without clothes. And he respects what I'm too shy to let him see yet (mostly my lameness from the age of 10 to about the age of.... I guess 15 actually...) And yet... he smiled. I read it to him on the phone... and I've never written anything that honest... and I think I was more scared than anything. Scared to hear a nervous laugh on the other end of the phone. Instead I provided the nervous laugh, and he just told me he loved me. He loves me. And every single person who reads my journals will have to hear it again and again, because really, I doubt there's much else that can be this beautiful, not when I love him back. I figured I'd write it all out in a journal or two or two thousand before I drabble on in a poem, because if any of this feeling ever gets into a poem, I will want it to span from one end of this emotion to another, and no farther. No frills. Nothing that isn't exactly what I mean. I'd want every single line to say something. Every word. I don't care if all of it ends up sounding childish and "so immature" and whatnot so long as it's the truth. The truth can be childish. That's what I don't understand. Some poets who write struggle to sound mature, but so long as what your saying is the truth, how can't it strike a chord in someone? I think truth is an amazing thing. Truth can heal so much (salt is anti bacterial, even when it hurts). I'm so absorbed in my brainspace right now. I feel free. Odd feeling really. I just can't believe the way I smile when I think of him... when I think of how every day that passes feels like it's been a week or a month in some ways, and in other ways it's all like speeding intants. Some of the past is a blur. A blur of incandescent lights and huge comfy couches and tears and guitar and a girl with a voice and a wavering smile, mirrors and questions and screams and torn paper, more smiles, true and false. Some moments with him and crystal clear, like the night on msn he said he told her he was falling in love with me and everything stopped. Like being up on stage in Idaho and smiling at him up at the front, a little to my right, and seeing him smile back through the dark. The whooshing period in time where we fell in and fell out all at once and it was like romeo and juliet- swift, fleeting, instantaneous. Everytime he's looking right into my eyes and telling me how much he loves me now, that he loves me so much and he's the luckiest guy in the world, the world pauses, and all thats there are his eyes. His eyes and mine, and I know he can tell right then that I mean it all too. I don't even have to say it back, or say it in the first place, but I will more often than not, because why just say it with eyes when you can say it with lips and a voice and hands and embraces. Why not say it every way you can? It feels like little by little he's understanding something. I don't know just what he's understanding, but it's there and it's going through his head all the time. There's something he's slowly getting. And getting the hang of. He still blushes when I point out a mistake, but... I don't know. It feels like he's spreading his wings more and more somehow. Like a shadow's finally leaving... still hesitant, but it's going in a definate direction. There are so many little things, like the way I find I fit better and better in his arms every time I'm in them. And a sort of trust I've never really had with a guy. I never realized how insecure I was with my last boyfriend until now. I would tell him that I wrote poetry, and he would be like "oh...uh... thats cool..." or something generic like that. I would tell him something like how I really don't like killing anything, even something small and weak, and he'd laugh in my face. Tell me it's stupid. Just things like that. I'd wear something different and he'd tell me it's ugly and not cool and be embarrassed when I didn't care. He'd ignore me for no reason. Not even realize he was doing it. The kind of guy who'd be emarrassed if I started skipping down the street for no reason. Or laughing. Or singing. Or anything that didn't quite fit. Anything new. anything odd or exciting or quirky or strange about me. I got so used to being some contained little girlfriend who only came out of her packaging when she was at home, or around friends. And now it kinda feels like I'm stumbling out of a dark box for the first time in forever, and I'm having a hard time adjusting to the light and the sound and otherwise general stimuli. But every time I fall I know who's there and catching me. He'll laugh with me if I'm embarrassed and hug me afterwards. I'm starting to feel so cared for by this guy. I've never really known that from a guy. not like this...
I am currently Loved
I am listening to nothing, but I'm in his sweater and it smells so good...

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JADE STARS
12/31/2003 02:23 a.m.
There are certain things you never find out about yourself until you're forced to.

Trust.
It's a word that I'm shakey to apply to some people. I haven't had alot of great experiences with trust, especially with males. I'm so used to guarding so much. So used to not having the nerve to show any guy who I really am. There are more liars around than many would like to acknowledge. I'm not so much a liar as I can be a hider. I've been crushed. I've been powdered. It's not a beautiful thing. Well it is, it can be, but I find alot of things beautiful that maybe I shouldn't. Being crushed is not so much beautiful as it is useful for future reference.
Anyways, this evades my point. My point, was trust. I've always had an easy time of faking it, or making myself believe that I trusted, or faking it until I trusted. But when a point in time comes when you find a person like me putting everything, all her trust, and all of who she is in the hands of someone who, on the whole, is still a relative mystery... that's what get's you thinking. When you feel yourself thinking "I'm going to trust him..." and meaning it, and KNOWING that person knows you mean it...
"When you put all your trust in something, you're putting alot on the line."
And for the first time that I can remember, I let go. Of everything. Of the constant grip I've always had to have on things so that things work out perfectly and predicrtably and safely. I let it go. I gave it to him. Without a word I let him know he could have all or none or some, and I wouldn't have objected at the time... and he heard me. For the first time I can ever remember, I let all of my guard down. Every single brick of the wall I'm used to having secure around me.

And he gave it all back.
He chose to stand by me. He chose what I would want. He chose what was best for me.
For the first time with me and him, it didn't feel like I had to be the grounding point. Like I had to be the rational one. Like I had to be the adult. He didn't do what he wanted to do, and yet he did. More than wanting himself to be happy, he wanted me to be happy. He knew... he knew everything. He knew when I gave it all up and when he gave it back it was so hard to register. I looked in his eyes and it was like falling in love but a thousand times better. It was real. It wasn't just being In love, it was love. The kind where there's just so much care that what you need and want hardly matters, but the other one feels the same way, so you're both taken care of. It felt like this whole time all I've been hearing were the top notes of the chord, and when I finally stopped gripping the strings, he played the bottom notes instead of just soloing. I don't think I can adequately describe any of it.

I'm the luckiest girl in the entire world.
I am currently Awestruck

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Rant
12/29/2003 07:42 p.m.
Right now, I don't feel real. It's like deja vu before you've had it. I feel like I don't need air to exist, or that I don't need to exist, therefore don't need air. It that feeling where you're stretched so thin and you know that you'll only be stretched thinner and thinner. Too much bread, not enough butter. Today I'm supposed to go swimming with my brother and my niece and nephew and Ling. I'm supposed to go and see Becca, although I'm not sure how that will fit in. I'm supposed to go and see the Pantomime Barbara is in (wish her luck wish her luck)... I just feel odd. And I feel like I didn't congradulate Jordan enough on his POTD when he called me all excited on the phone this morning. I had my ma glaring at me to get off the phone, but once I told her the deal she was fine. She's a little irritable lately, ever since I had that sex chat with her. It'll pass though. I know how she is. My Dad still thinks he can keep a pretty good hold on me, but my mom knows better than that when it comes to stuff like this. She just wants me to be safe, and to be sure.

Yesterday he could have been really bothered by the fact that my parents chose to keep me home instead of letting us go to his house. Instead, he took it better than me. That surprised me. That was impressive...
Sometimes I think my parents are doing these things as little tests you know? Like, seeing whether this boy is really worthy of their daughter. How will he react to staying here? I think now and then their trying to judge character a bit. It's funny to watch really. Alot of times I'm watching my life from the rafters. It's easier to think when you're not really there. I remember one phone call with Jordan one night where my emotions weren't really there. That was the night I said "If this is just one big charade, end it. Now. And don't even think about what it will do to me. Just do it." That was the longest, loudest silence (including all the blood rushing in my ears) ever. It had to be said though. And I'm glad I said it.

I feel so bad. I haven't had time to talk to jen in so long. She called the other day and I didn't have time, but I was also really cold. She wrote an email that hurt me. She's pissed that I never talk toher, but I talk to her for and hour or two whenever she calls. I don't call her often because of money things, and time things. She doesn't seem to get it though. It just hurts. Everyone wants me to be everywhere all at pnce and it doesn't matter where I want to be. I'm tired.

(side note: uh oh, I need to put my hair up to go swimming....)
I am currently Detached
I am listening to Amber by 311

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Sex, Drugs, Soccer....
12/27/2003 08:39 p.m.
Oh man. So I told my mother about many things. Predominately, that I'll probably have sex with Jordan in the new year. I told both him and her that I'd definately be waiting out December. She took it rather well. She made it clear she'd love it if I waited until I was sixteen. That would be cool, but I don't really want to. Hahaha, I was like "well, ma, you have a whole 4 days you know I WONT be having sex..." And she was like "What!" lol (that's not how I started the convo, I just added that) I told her it doesn't mean I'll have sex right away. I mean that too. Just because I've now held up my side of our agreement doesn't mean I'm gonna jump right to it, as much as I might want to. It's a personal thing, as always right? But I trust him, and a lot more than I did the first time we dated. There's alot of stuff different this time around though. It's alot easier now that the whole school isn't involved. It's alot easier on me knowing that it's just my heart involved, and not Geordies anymore. God I hated hurting him. I still love him, I still care, and he knows it. He's got a new gf now, and he's so happy with her. It'd great. I've yet to meet and approve of this girl. she seems a little apprehensive of me though. I talked to her on MSN and she gave the impression of a fluffy white bunny trying to bear it's fangs to scare me off. She's probably a nice chick. Geordie doesn't know I'm with Jordan again. Last time I talked to him on the matter he was like "Don't date him! Do stuff with him if you want but don't put your heart in it. I don't want you to get hurt again." the sentiment is sweet, considering I broke his heart first. I miss talking to him. I gotta call him one of these days. I keep putting it off and putting it off. Meh, oh well. I've yet to find out what Jordan got me for christmas. I'm quite curious. I forgot all about it last night at his house. We watched Requiem for a Dream... man, anyone considering doing drugs should watch that first. Edited, it was rated R. He wants the uncut version. I think I'd be traumatized. Good movie though. Really well made. I'm writing this on my break. I've got indoor soccer games at the school at 10, 130 and 430. We won this mornings in a 7-0 shut out. I miss Futsal (indoor soccer). Not the girls, cuz I see most of them in outdoor soccer and they've never really accepted me anyways, but the game is fun. I'm SOOOO rusty at indoor ball though. Outdoor goal tending is a piece of cake. Indoor's totally different. People with the same outdoor soccer strength shooting on you from 10 feet away. Freaky shit. ANYWAYS, I should probably eat before I go. I gotta get there at 1:00. Wish me Luck.
I am currently Cheerful

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Christmas gifts and Smiles all around...
12/25/2003 10:59 a.m.
Christmas at my house with my family's done. Gone. The gifts were substantially better this year then in years before, thats for sure. I got 2 photobooks, one picture frame, a Kodak Digital Cam (grins wickedly Jordan's way...) to make pictures to fill those books, 20 free prints, Digital Photography for Dummies, lol, an Mp3 player, the new Alicia Keys CD, comfy pants, art pencils and erasers, a shower gel, soap (I love soap), cards, a mini totem pole thing that's black and so pretty. Also, from Barbara I got the sweetest poem and little DIARAMA (thats what I've decided to call it) and that got me so stoked. She's fantastic. Oh, I gave Jordan his gift yesterday before we all went to Vic (I went with Ling, and he was going to spend xmas with his Ma, so we took the same bus :)). Tickets to go and see John Mayor in Vancouver. Man did his face light up. I was so stoked to give it to him :D :D :D. I love seeing him smile. Love it. He smiled alot on the bus up to Vic too, for many reasons, lol, although not too much when I beat him at crazy 8's. thats alright, he beats my ass down at Kings Corner. I don't stand a chance against the guy. It's depressing, but not really. Man oh man, that smile though.... Mega watt. All the pictures he displays of himself on the net look so serious... but it's probably a good thing. He gets enough attention from chicks downthe street as it is without having the world wide web showing up on his doorstep. At reading that, he'll probably post one, just to see what happens, lol. Man... that bus ride down was so relaxed, so nice. I love it when we'll be laying together, and without even realizing it we'll be breathing in time with eachother. I'll lay there, listeing to him breathe, and I'll realize it's exactly the same as mine. I love it when I close my eyes and think of a time where he made me smile (it happens alot) and I open my eyes and he's there. I don't know, I'm just happy when I'm around him. And fascinated by the way he sorts through things. *Shrugs* I don't know. I just care about him. I'm so happy he knows it too.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to Amber, 311

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huh, thats odd.
12/21/2003 05:17 a.m.
What a guy. Writes controversial journal entries and wonders at the feedback he gets from it. I wonder if this is better than the silent outrage he would have gotten were it not for journal comments. I wonder if he still would have wrote it. I think he would have, but it might have come out different. It might not have, but whatever. Eitherway, I think there are better ways to voice one's opinions (such as, in ways that don't unnecessarily make foes out of friends). I'm still kind of confused as to why he wrote it. Or at least why he wrote it there, and with that tone. I agree with much of what he means, and I love Canada, but in my opinion that doesn't mean you trash other peoples countries. what do you accomplish then, you know? True, there are aspects of the American government that I strongly disagree with, just as I'm sure the same is true for Americans and our government. but to both sides of this dispute, why bring it to the fore? Pathetic is about self-expression, yes, but it's also about embracing differences. Jordan's got one opinion, many of you have another. Channel it into poetry and take your feedback there, but don't go for eachothers throats. I'm not trying to be down on anyone... It's just strange. the selfportrait he makes with some of those statements doesn't seem to reflect who he is in real life. Its like looking in a funny-mirror. Thats him, but not proportionate. And declaring that your country is the best in the world on a mixed-race site is just asking for it...
I am currently O.K.
I am listening to my mom talking to herself about cleaning the house...

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Tugboat (I like that word)
12/20/2003 04:46 a.m.
I think I must love all the trouble. Seriously. I read barbaras journal entry, and I felt so filled up with concern for her.... but I loved the feeling. Well not the feeling, but being able to feel it. Knowing I'm not the only one who feels that kind of despair sometimes. I think I must just love watching people my age display the same kinds of fretting I feel. All this shit with Jordan... well, lately not shit. Lately things have been rather. *(wondeful...:))* But nonetheless, all the shit that happens with us... I don't what it is, but some part of my likes to watch it unfold. It's not like it craves drama or anything, but it smiles softly at watching it all happen. Like it's happened before. Like reading your favourite book again.
That last entry was trippy. I just daydreamed. It sorta ended up sounding like a Lee (J Uhen) kinda dealing, only not quite as stunning/breathtaking/beautiful/graceful.... I always just daydream, but not always like that. It's only occaisionally that my daydreams seem like I'm tripping out, lol.
I am currently Lucky
I am listening to Kissing You- Deseree

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Daydream
12/19/2003 05:15 p.m.
She is holding her breath and counting to 1001. She is drinking her poison from a red tin can and thinking about what it's worth, and how long it'll be till it kills her. She is floating falling and soaring at once. She is carving abstract art with her body into thick air before it turns solid and catches her wings in the amber. She is daydreaming while the night swoops in on a butterfly's wing and engulfs her so that she's swimming again, when she's never tasted black before. The stars are flickering on and off, on and off, bright and cold, bright and cold but she burns when she touches them. It spreads through her fingers and up through her shoulders and down through her legs until scar tissue mars that girlish form she had and she can't be loved. Not like this. not like anything less than this. In one sense she's here and she's writing and in another she's gone and blasting herself through dimensions that hold little secret of herself inside their fabric and she longs to rip them open and spill their insides. This ugly ugly form is flying again and the clouds have shunned away from her ad she curses her scarry skin until her hands are pure again, but the clouds won't listen or look again. She descends through planets and past spacships and the man made elements darting through the sky arounf a sapphire planet they lost to a group of collectively greed ridden minds. she was that too before she ejected and thrusted herself into nature and forgot about the complexities except for what is and what isn't, dissolved in a dream world she can't comprehend, exploring the energies she can't even touch or see or smell. But all she can do is feel the colours. Sipping from a red tin can she descends and forgets it.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to nothing.

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Mayday Mayday, lol
12/18/2003 08:35 p.m.
T-0 seconds, hurricane Mo has arrived :D:D! I saw her today in hall and was like "wow... she exists again." For some reason though it felt like... I don't know. I'm probably just hallucinating, but it felt like she was just 'tolerating' me, you know? I'm not sure, cuz sometimes I pick up on things that later don't seem to be real. But anyways, yes, she's here, she breathes and she's coming to this christmas concert tonight, which is great, because me and Matt (Emjays brother) are gonna have a surprise for the audience. My Stomach's gonna say Merry, his will say Christmas, and we're gonna flash it to the audience! yay for fun! I got the best message from jordan when I logged on to pathetic just now *GRINS*. The things that boy does to me... I'm so proud of him, for everything. I've told him that already, but it really is true. Not everybody's that strong. Or crazy. It takes alot of bravery to be as crazy as he is, lol. And, I guess, as I am, because I'm certainly insane. What do you call it when two crazy people fall in love? A rollercoaster. But your always so much less afraid of falling when somebody's holding your hand.
I am currently O.K.
I am listening to school sounds.

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