Driewer
07/18/2004 06:32 a.m.
Das Sehen dieser Sprache auf dem Papier verletzt mich.
Das Hören der Wörter läßt mich an Sie denken.
Warum konnten Sie nicht einfach sagen, daß Sie nach Hause Safe ankamen?
Warum mußten Sie jeder ABER mir erklären?

... Warum lagen Sie über das Interessieren für mich?

War dieses nicht so vorhersagbar?
Sie rufen mich nie an und Sie schreiben nie Briefe.
Ich glaube nicht an die Zahl Rissen, die ich für Sie schrie.
Aber Sie gingen weg-Sie weggingen wirklich dieses mal.


I dont know if I hate you or miss you, probably both. and the fact that you wont talk to me is probably for the best. But you were my friend. We hung out all the time. And you swore up and down we would talk.

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-
07/17/2004 09:18 p.m.
Jen here, but shes dead right now because shes thinking of Connor. Barbaras here. Jordans at work. Lisa said he'd be home by 1. It's 2. I want to see him, or just talk to him today. But i go to work at mgm at 6, until whenever helen lets me go. So i hope i catch him before then, but if not, then i guess tomorrow or something. I left my journal entry on his floor. I just remembered that. I gotta tell him to bring it when he sees me next. I talked to Warren. He says he misses me and that there's a pic of me and Julie on his bedroom ceiling. Interesting. Julie's not home yet. I wish she was, so that i could talk with her. I dunno, the thing I want most right now is Jordan's company. Or voice. Yesterday night I was missing him like crazy and I dont know why. He was at Mame. Ugh, I just want to see him smile. I love that smile.

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*melt*
07/12/2004 06:06 a.m.
Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my....

I can't stop grinning.



You send me.








Mood: Elated

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Devout Adherence.
07/11/2004 05:38 a.m.
So i had a gig at 5:30 for Gerrard St.Jeans' 50somethingth birthday. That was pretty rad, but went WAY longer than I had hoped for. I was hoping that maybe I could see jordan tonight, but it couldn't happen because i cant stay over and it was about 9:30 when we got back to the house. I haven't changed out of my gig clothes yet even. I miss mah lovah man. I feel like I haven't seen him as much as I'd like to in the past week.

You know, it's weird. There are tonnes of good looking guys around. Like the Smithers guys at the jazz camp and this Irish dude I met at the gig and things like that. Nice, handsome, single guys. And sure, I might joke and I might flirt a bit and kid around...


but I'm still so devoutely adhered.
(I love you)

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I hate boys, I love my man :D
07/08/2004 01:47 a.m.
So I'm at Julies and it's 6:26. The guys just called to back out of our plans because they're "Tired" and have to eat and whatever because they chose to stay late at the college and chat w/ other people. So, they flaked. Jerks. Meh, Julie and I will just chill then. That's right. Maybe hit up the pool our hot selves. MMMhm. Then maybe when they wanna go, we'll be like, meh, actually, we're a bit pooped, you know, we went swimming w/o you. Just all reminds me why I'm glad I'm not dating anyone else but my love :D. He's never stood me up once, lol. Thats probably cuz he's really good at making himself look good, especially infront of lovely ladies :P. and even more especially infront of lovely ladies he loves :), like me.
... I miss him. Haven't had much contact with him between Mame and jazz. He's got another show tonight. I'm very angry because of some god awful things that my uncle said to him as he drove him home. I'm not going to go into detail right now because I'm so angry and embarrassed I might just explode. Seriously, I simultaneously wanna punch him (my uncle) and hide under a rock. He disgusts me sometimes. God, I couldn't apologize to Jordan enough. I know how absolutely horrible I'd feel if anyone in his family were ever rude enough to say something like that to me. Oh god...
I am currently Angry
I am listening to julie explaining icecream to me.

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Break a Leg Baby.
07/07/2004 03:44 a.m.
The first opening of Mame is probably winding down as I write this. I didn't get home until about 5:40 today, which pissed me off because I didn't get to call Jordan and tell him to break a leg for his first opening. :D:D:D, He's SO excited. I hope it went well. I've been thinking about you Jordan ;). Man I wanna do theatre again. Seeing the sneak preview, which Jordan snuck me off to for my birthday as a surprise with my parents :D, made me wanna do theatre right now. My sweet 16th birthday went phenomenally. I didn't go out or whatever, I saw Mame, and I watched movies at home with friends :).

Summer jazz academy started today. If it weren't for that I woulda been with Jordan, cuz he got the day off. Oh well, at least he got some much deserved R&R before the big night. Still... I wish I coulda wished him a broken leg in person :P. As for Summer jazz (I got off topic there), it went well. Yes, the infamous Warren was there, and Jake, and Ian, Warren's brother. They're all summer nice people. They met Julie too. This guy named Mo was hittin on me (ironic, hey?), and then saw Julie, and started hitting on her too. I was like, hey buddy, I see you mackin on my woman... and I'm watching you :|. lol. But yeah, so we might all go and summer jazz it up at NDSS tomorrow evening for some swimming. Hopefully Adam and Julie will come, Julie will for sure, but if not, whatever, I can trek it alone with those guys. It's not like last summer.
I am currently Creative
I am listening to "jordan-"(instead of Georgia)"on My Mind"

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:)
06/20/2004 04:18 a.m.
I love to make you smile.

Days and days apart are normal for me and Jordan. We're busy. Me with school and family, him with work and Theatre. Curfews and deadlines and start times and paychecks divide us. We talk on the phone. Sometimes. And when we do, it's not that it's odd, it's just that smiles don't convey quite as easily through that particular medium.
I decided to send him a cheesy E-Card celebrating something random, like the chinese lantern festival/his part as a chinese houseboy in his play. I signed it with a nickname. And you know, it made him smile.

That's all I'll ever need.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to Nearness of You- not Norah, the Original

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The Fight
06/17/2004 04:12 a.m.
We fought today, me and her. Again I put her in a corner. Faced her with 2 of her own consecutive, contradicting lies. I did what I told myself not to do. I cried. I cried at the end when I told her about how much I'd trusted her.

"What is it Elina? Who are you? To some people you love Nick, to others you don't. To some people I'm a really good friend, and to others I'm guy stealing bitch. I don't even know who you are."

Thats what I was saying when I started to cry. I also told her I wasn't doing arts alive this summer. I've decided that.

"I'm not willing to put up with this from you or anyone who is sheep enough to believe a random rumor about a person they've never met."

I started to walk away, and she was like 'Come back here...'

"Come back to who? I don't even know the person infront of me! I'm done with this Elina. You don't even know yourself well enough to keep two stories straight. You get caught in your lies everytime and you think we'll just put up with it. Call me when you figure yourself out."

...she cried.

I think it was the first real emotion I have ever seen from that young actress.
I am currently Depressed

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Note To Self: Good opening line...
06/11/2004 04:49 a.m.
They are a disaster of iron tongued chickens....

more later.

(p.s. this is not a joke, i'll actually write a poem with elements of this sentence in it one day.)

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Again and again and again I'm shattered.
06/04/2004 06:01 a.m.
Jordan, it's 10:51. I tried calling so many times but I guess your dad is in one of those moods again where the phone ringing isn't important and right now is not a good time for me to be hung up on. Barbara, I'd call, but you have brothers that I don't want to wake. I know you'd listen. Jordane, if by chance you read this, I tried to talk to you too.
I'm so frustrated. I don't know how to deal. I feel so out of place in this house. My father and I are fighting more and more and more and i can't take it anymore. Today he told me to go away. he said "Will you just go? Please? Will you just go away?" He told me to just go away. Angrily. He said just go away. Then I didn't talk to him until later when he was mentioning something about a band meeting and I said they shouldn't talk about Mr.Der behind his back, and I didn't have all the information, but still, the moment I try to say anything he's angry at me again. I don't know how to approach them anymore. I don't want my dad to leave. I love my dad but I can't deal with it. I can't take not knowing when I'm going to fuck up the nexts family discussion. It's the second time I've been bawling since school got out. I don't know how to make this stop. go away, he said. He told me to just go away. And I keep thinking maybe that's best. Maybe I should just go away. They wonder why I'm never home. Why I'm always at one extra curricular or another, or why I'm always at Jordans. There's no sound at Jordans. There's no talking. Maybe his household doesn't talk so much as mine, but at least they don't fight. I might not feel like I fit in as well as Mo did, but at least they don't say it. At least they've never told me to leave. I don't know how to talk to my own father. I don't know how to fix things. I don't know what I should change to make it easier on any of us but I don't want to be the cause of everything spiralling out of control. I just don't know what to do or say or think anymore. Everytime I try I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I'm wrong. I snapped. I attacked. It's my fault. If I could just listen. If I would just think for a second. If I was just better or smarter or coolerheaded...
I tried to call or get ahold of you, except barbara, like I said.
I'll probably be a wreck tomorrow until I distract myself with something else.

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