Whoa... Seniorism.
09/08/2004 05:59 a.m.
Whoa. Seniorism. I walk in to school, and suddenly, SUDDENLY, there is no one above me. I mean in age ya sure, but otherwise no. Crazy feeling I say. In other news, me and Barbara are having a talking with Lisa Sunde after school tomorrow. Should be fun. Leah told me this crazy story today too about how in the month when Jan was leaving she missed her rag entirely then got it back the next month. Sorry to all you males out there reading this, but if you're not old enough to realize lifes little realities, you probably shouldn't be reading. Anyways, that story blew my socks off for no reason other than the fact that that can happen. Whoa. Life's little shockers today. Oh, another shocker, Tim called my house to tell me he was coming over at 10 this morning. Fair enough, it was 9:44, time enough for me to get decent (smelling and looking) so that I wouldn't have to answer the door in a robe with smeared mascara. So he came and I was literally shocked to see him again, because it was just like last year, minus the bad hair. Well, not JUST like last year. There's a change in the atmosphere that I'm am throroughly appreciative of. I'm sure Jordan is too. I went to my first college class tonight. Whoa. Intense. I was expecting a dumbed down version for all of us little highschool kids. Well "all of us little highschool kids" turned out to be 6. In a class of 30. I was like (8-O)!!!
Turns out its a journalism class, not so much poems and essays and stories like I thought. Oh well, as always, I'm pretty determined to prove myself. I have more than enough on my plate to prove myself by.

On another note, I've said it before, but I don't think I really could be any more in love with Jordan than I am right now. Yesterday I was afraid of being alone when he left, for reasons he would understand but not many others would. But when I was with him... everything was better. Everything was lighter and so much more ok. I thought about it, and we spent over 12 hours in eachothers company. And I loved it. Even just chilling late at night, with him playing my grandmothers guitar. He's the only other person i trust with it, aside from myself. I'm still always skittish when anyone else is touching it, but with him it's easier. He gives me so much courage. Yesterday we went to get jordans haircut (a long freakin walk) but the barber was closed. So instead of letting it be a waste of a trip, I said "lets go in the petstore. We saw a boa constrictor in the pet store and I secretly wanted to hold it but was way to chicken shit at first. But Jordan, as always the more daring one (although I like to think i'm less squeamish than alot of girls, especially with thinks like bugs and spiders and things) agreed to hold it first. It was beautiful. Snakes are truly spectacular creatures. This one was a baby, four feet long. Hewalked around the store with it, and later, I got enough courage to wear the pretty thing. I was nervous, but I did it, and its a feeling like no other. It's something I've always wanted to do. I like how I helped make the trip less of a waste of legs and Jordan helped me make the most of our trip in the pet store. He does that too me. He makes me feel safe and protected and cared for. He doesn't solve all my problems. I know that he wouldn't be with me if he thought I needed all my problems SOLVED by someone else. A person should do that on their own. But he helps me when I need it, and knows when to let me walk the tightrope alone. We keep eachother safe and sane. We talk about anything we want to talk about. I can tell him everything and anything I'm afraid of. I can to atest to the fact that he is, a very extraordinary guy and even moreso as a boyfriend. He does and says things he doesn't have to because he loves me. And he knows that he doesn't have to do any of it. [Thank you. I love you for who you are and for being so much more than I ever would have expected.]

And in no way can I leave out my friends right now. i can't believe them. any of them (the near and the far ;)). You guys lift me up and tolerate my gushing. Don't feel ousted. Believe me, I gush about you guys to him too. You guys make me believe that not all girls are stupid twinks that are dumber than sacks of hammers. You guys are such a relief. You're there when I call and give me such a good laugh and make me soar. Most of you eat bacon with me. Those who don't are cool in other orange ways. :P.


One more thing ("why's it my fault" no.)
...We got Annie ;)
I am currently Cool
I am listening to Rex

Comments (0)

A Warning
09/03/2004 11:08 p.m.
People are gritty. People are never smooth. There is never only one layer. What looks pristine on the outside usually has so many layers of gossamer and steel that what you end up getting used to and liking and being comfortable with ends up overturning and completely changing your views.

My point is, I write my life on pathetic.org. I write who I am and what I think here. I write each layer of gossamer and each sheet of steel down here on internet paper. Every piece of grit. Every fiber. What I write down here is from the inside of my head, and not every topic here is open for discussion face to face, in person. In short, if you are one of the few people who reads this and sees me in real life, know that I have the right not to discuss with you ANYTHING I write. However, there is an exception to this in the 2 other people on this site that I frequently see me in real life because they too put their lives out here for (selectly) public viewing. You know who you are. Julie, you're also an exception. Anyone who is a member of pathetic.org is an exception. But to everyone else who has perhaps stumbled on this site or who has been given the address on purpose, I reserve the right to completly refuse to discuss these topics with you. I don't write things here so that we can talk about them. I write things here so that people can have an honest look inside the head of person who's trying not to censor. Take from it what you wish.


Comments (0)

Scum
09/01/2004 12:44 a.m.
I AM SCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARG!!!!!!! Could I feel any worse right now? I mean really!
I am currently Unhappy

Comments (0)

The Work Sched.
08/26/2004 05:42 a.m.
Wed Thur Fri Sat.

12am12am12am12am.

*sigh*

Wonder how the week will go. Haven't worked in a week beccause of my rents vay cay. Me and Jen had the house to ourselves! and we (I) only broke a few rules.... lol.

Well, more tomorrow. Til then, I'm gonna rest.

Comments (0)

The Way We Love...
08/15/2004 06:28 a.m.

...You'd think that tomorrow had changed it's mind and decided not to come.

...You'd think that we would get tired of picking the scabs.

...You'd think that this crystal beauty was about to shift and fall and shatter into 30 000 pieces and spread itself to become lodged in our feet to haunt us with a stinging pain whenever we thought to walk away from each other.

...You'd think that we would settle into some comfortable place where neither of usis ever on their toes.

...Is perfect.

My God we're unpredictable :P
I am currently Blessed

Comments (0)

Later this day, 7:30 pm
08/10/2004 02:34 a.m.
I feel the way I felt when I wrote "in the Crowded Room" about one year ago. Alone. Accepted, sure.

Wanted?

...

I hate this feeling. I don't like to allow it and I don't like when it forces itself in. It does it at the smallest things. But suddenly it feels like none of the smiles are real. Like I'm tolerated, but not wanted. Like my company is just there and not enjoyed. I wonder if he feels that way around my friends and if it bothers him like it bothers me. But I feel like if I were really wanted there, they would have seen if someone could have picked me up. Or found some way to have me go. Or at least try, make an attempt or ask or something. I know I'd do it for him. I do it all the time. That and the fact that he'd had spent all day with them already, and said for me not to worry because I'd see him later today. I looked forward to that, yesterday and today. Now it's tomorrow, maybe, if he's not working, if I'm not called in. But what if they're doing something tomorrow too? He was already there, so his mind was made up.

I don't blame him for wanting to see him. That's why I don't know if I'm angry. I'm not sure if I'm angry or who I'd be angry at if I was. I think I just feel utterly shafted. I didn't make plans with Barbara or Julie or anything tonight because I was sure I was hanging with him. I gave up my plans with my friends to see him, too. And I know they just got in town. But their not leaving again anytime soon and he said to me...
I wonder if he knew about the potluck before he left today.

I wish I didn't feel so hurt about all this. I wish I didn't feel so selfish. I wish I hadn't have gotten so excited about going this morning, then so excited again about seeing him tonight, because I feel pathetic for being so happy at the thought of seeing him, then having it yanked away twice in one day and feeling this crappy about it. I wish I didn't know that when I see him again I probably won't say anything, we probably won't talk about it, but I'll probably still care. I'm probably the most irritating person I know right now for being this bothered, but it's a valid feeling. And the thing is I don't like any of them any less or want Emjay to feel bad about anything. I want her to be happy to be home, which i hope she is. Jay too.

Maybe it's just that they were so close. And then closer. Maybe underneath it all I'm afraid. but to be honest, I wouldn't want him to miss out on this if he wants. And I wouldn't want him not to see his friends. Not ever. I feel shitty knowing he probably feels crappy about being there right now because he knew I was upset. I feel shittier thinking maybe he doesn't, but thats not want I want to think about right now. I dont want to be the annoying clingy girlfriend, it's just that we made plans since yesterday, so I think anyone could understand how I could feel this way, even if I'm not sure it's entirely fair for me to feel like that. But whats fair? Feelings aren't fair or unfair, their just feelings right? and we can't do much to change them. I don't know, I just needed to write. The thought of hand writing still hurts, and the thought of my parents finding anything real of mine on the computer hurts more. nothing I ever write is set in stone because they could be permanent or they could be just temporary musings that exit as quick as they enter but here I am trying to make excuses for what might cause a scene. God.

I don't know if anybody gets it. But I do. And it will probably qwell. I think mainly it brings back memories of feelings i'd like to pretend aren't there anymore. An assortment of them. And i hope by getting this all out, I can tame a few. I might have to talk out a few more. But I don't know. I feel like sleep.

Comments (0)

...
08/09/2004 07:19 p.m.
I said I wouldn't feel bitter. But I do feel bitter. I guess I feel rejected, and not by him really. I understand that he wants to see her and Jay after all this time. Everyone does. But somehow I feel as if I wasn't wanted by anyone else but him. I know he would have liked me and Jen to be there, but sometimes I don't feel as if any of his friends give a damn about me. It might just be too much to expect. I can just picture every scenario in the series of elimination deciding who could go and who couldn't. Most of them, if not all, are probably far from the truth. I just feel like an idiot. I was so excited to go because I swear, I'm the only person in the whole city who's never been to the river. And because I'd be part of this tradition they've had every year, heading up there and just chilling in the summer. I had to get my room done and the downstairs all cleaned up before I went and I did and then he called and said that it was either he goes and we stay or we all stay, and him. It's not his fault. I didn't want him to not go out and see her just because I felt stupid and pouty. I know he's missed her, more than he lets on I bet.

I felt angry at him only cuz he was the only one there, I guess. That part of it is gone now. I just feel the way I feel sometimes in his house when we're not the only ones home. That and the idea of a girl I know who likes him being part of the reason we couldn't go doesn't sit well, but thats more than likely instinctual suspicion anyways and i'm gonna try not to think of that aspect. I just needed to write all this temporary jumbledness out and I didn't wanna hand write because my hand is still sore from all the writing me and Jen did last night. I know I'll feel better about it later in the day. I just wanted to see Emjay and Jay like everyone else, and it was a bit of a let-down. No point in feeling bad towards the bearer of bad news though. I would have been more pissed off if someone else had said it instead of him. And anyways, I get to see him later tonight. Hopefully I don't get called in, because GOD would that suck.

My dad was being such a fucking jerk about the whole thing too. He was like blah blah blah, I thought YOU were his best friend, and now he's gone and picked swimming with a bunch of other chicks over you, hahahha blah blah blah. And I was already feeling crappy about it anyways and at one point of all his joking I just shut my magazine and left and slammed the computer room door and he was like Hey, Trish, come on now, I was just teasing! He's says everything after the fact. DAD, I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT DURING YOUR LITTLE SPEECH! OR NOT AT ALL!

Mood: Slighty depressed, irked, malcontented, but all of it will fade into the backround when I see Jordan again.
I am listening to Jen writing

Comments (0)

My First Job.
08/01/2004 11:25 p.m.
Work sucked last night. I mean, it could have been worse, but it sucked still. I had to clean the patio first, and in my first 5 minutes of cleaning up beer bottles and ashtrays and the like, this big scruffy dirty muscle guy walks by and goes "hey cutie" and when I look at his scarred up face he only has one eye. ONE EYE! it wasn't even patched it was just a slit and he had a grubby grin mith teeth missing. Honestly, he looked like a goon from pirates of the carribean. and that was just in the first five minutes. I did that, came back in and was non stop on tables until 1 in the morning. I thought they were gonna let me off at like 2:30 or at the latest 4, so I figured that wasn't bad at all. Well, 2:30 rolls around and I get hit on constantly, because of the bar rush. Some guy and his pal decline my offer for coffee, but looks me up and down and goes "but uh, what time do you get off?" and winks. He was like, 20. I just ignored him. I came around again and he goes "hey, what's you name?" and I ignore him again. Then I'm bussing a table beside his and he leans over and goes "So are you single?" I'm like "No." and walk to another table. He's like, "Oh, sorry for the trouble than." God. Then there was some persistant asian guy and his buddys, and when I offer THEM coffee, one goes "hey there sweetheart, this is my buddy tan."
Me: "Heres your coffee guys." Now Tan is either the thirstiest man on the planet or a man willing to sacrifice his bladder for a pretty girl, because every 5 seconds he's out of coffee. Or lemonade. Or iced tea. Calls me young lady and winks alot. Then there was this other guy, but he wasn't half as persistent.

Ont he good end, I met a guy name Joel who's friend with Andrea (the waitress on graveyard that night). He was a decent guy, didn't hit on me, but chatted to me very politely while I did tables. Total contrast to the others guys, and SUCH a relief. He's into writing short stories and poetry and what not. Gradded from dover in 2001. that makes him what, 21, 22? I wonder how old i look to these people. Either they don't care that I look 16, or I don't look 16. What ever. So they finally let me go home at about 4:30 am, at which point I went home and fell into a virtual coma in bed. 11-4:30 am shift.... on my second shift ever. God.... Is this the typical kind of summer job a 16 year old girl gets? Graveyard at the 24 hour restaurant? Whatever, I'll take what I can get until september I guess.

On the plus, I get paid next friday :D!
I am currently Tired

Comments (1)

Better
07/22/2004 08:24 p.m.
So it's been a few hours since I had my freak out upon awakening. I figure my heads a bit clearer now, and I dont figure I'll make a big thing of my whole dreamy deally. Still kinda freaks me out, but I figure hey, if there are problems, I'll have better ways of noticing them than sleepy time images. In other news, me and Jen are ahving a full fledged do nothing day. Guess what that consists of ;). So far we've slept til 11 ish, ate chicken wings and rice, watched bad television, and now we're listening to No Doubt :). In other news still, my Dad got my 5 foot cardboard cut out of Betty Boop and it is now in the living room. Sigh, what a rad childhood hero.
I am currently Better
I am listening to Tragic Kingdom

Comments (0)

Dreams
07/22/2004 05:58 p.m.
I had dreams last night. Dreams that were so real I awoke and thought I was still dreaming. Dreams so big and so real that I have to call Jordan when I think he might be awake and ask him about them. I woke up, and the dream kept on playing. I'd try to start a happier one, and this one would keep playing out.

I hardly ever dream.

I feel stupid wanting to ask Jordan about something I saw in a dream. Especially something like this. But the way my mind was playing tricks on me last night puts fear into me, and I want to hear him tell me its alright. That it was just a dream.

I went to bed thinking the exact opposite of what my dreams played out.

I went to bed thinking "He wouldn't do a thing like that to me..."

I am currently Bothered

Comments (0)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries