Sneak15
10/26/2004 02:03 p.m.
He called just to hear me on the other end of the telephone, talking about my daily escapades with the pretty girl. Talking about my chats with other boys, laughing 'cause he knows they mean nothing, especially when he calls just to have a nightime laugh with me.


They always say it's the little things, and really, it is.

I think he's the only one with the willingness to stretch his arms wide and expose his heart to catch me.

Haha, that and you need a pretty goods armspan :P. HA!

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grey
10/22/2004 05:59 a.m.
"- -"Maybe It's Killing Me"- - says:
I feel like I'm dying. I feel like everythings dying around me. from jen to this to school, to scholarships and competition.... everythings turning grey...
- -"Maybe It's Killing Me"- - says:
theres grey in my mothers hair and grey in my dads eyes and the sky's grey and jen is far away and sometimes her memory's grey....
- -"Maybe It's Killing Me"- - says:
I haven't talked to her for so long....
- -"Maybe It's Killing Me"- - says:
and I'm invisible in the middle
- -"Maybe It's Killing Me"- - says:
no matter howmany people see me, I'm invisible and untouchable..."


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Mother Teresa
10/21/2004 06:14 a.m.
"We cannot do great things, only small things with great love."



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[Profanity]
10/20/2004 12:30 a.m.
If I'm such a great person and friend, I've been there for you and said your unsaid words, then how FUCK do I deserve to be treated? FUCK!

Everybody's changing all around me and the people I love are turning into people I don't even know. Elina changed... Jen changed... Barbara....

FUCK!!! And I've tried to email Jen but her account is full. I cut Elina right the fuck off. And talking to barbara doesn't work. Maybe the way she is is just the way she is, but I've never not had faith in her before this. She told me she would stop... it's like an abusive relationship. Well, no, if I'm feeling abused, then the relationship is abusive.

And they always always always tell you GET OUT.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I MATTER TO YOU PEOPLE ANYMORE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHEN DID MY WORTH SINK TO NOTHING WITH YOU?!

because I still care.... but how long can I hold on to the hope that what I feel will mean anything?

I am currently Jaded

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Abstract Extract
10/19/2004 05:23 a.m.
The way you live is high speed
air chase
race to the goal line
find another marathon
take it in
-fret
-disarray
-ecstasy
-one hit
-two hit
/rush /rush /rush
and whizz by the hors d'oeuvres.

Here I am, the anchor once again, to hold you to the ground you keep forgetting
saying "taste this- don't just swallow."

Oh, but don't I love the way
You tac me to your wings
when you take flight...


But isn't it always: give and take and give and take and give and take.

It's not one counter for another
it's taking turns
feet on the ground
head in the clouds
(call it stretching... growing even
yes, we grow I think).
One minute after fun, you're like
"it's done."
And I'm like
"why and does it have to be?"

those 64 shades can colour my day.

The buzz. The buzz.
It's in both our heads, but do we have the time do complaining
rather than complying?
Pay a little more attention to eachother than to our selves?
(Then we'd both feel special... then we'd both feel taken care of... hmmm)

But we're both the same
we'll take the day
and stuff it under our skins
to try a brighter face for eachothers lives
to try and change their day's direction
and in thinking
and speculating
we should just have one good bleed per visit maybe
maybe little less
and say it all.

Then maybe
just maybe
you would smell the roses
instead of walking by
and I'd stop planting them....
hmm...

..................................................

To be honest, this is the shape my thoughts take. read it really fast and you might get the drift. :P

I am currently Crafty
I am listening to J.M.

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Wringing Yourself Dry
10/01/2004 03:20 a.m.
So, I think I've got it figured. This ugly monster I've morphed into... I think I've got the start to having it beat. It lies in the December Funk me and Jordan sort of talk about.

Here's the idea. Where as last year, JORDAN was stressed, and unsure, and sensitive to the smallest things, and over all just kinda irritable or depressed, THIS year, I think it's my turn. I think that THIS year, December Funk has hit me. Makes sense really, with karma and just with the circumstances at school and elsewhere and not being able to see Jordan as much as I'd like. I kinda snapped at him yesterday when I didn't mean too. Actually, I DID snap, nevermind the kinda. You know those times where you've said too much of the wrong stuff and saying anything more's just digging your grave, but not saying anything at all is ensuring that when someone does start to dig it they'll dig it deeper? It felt like one of those moments. I was pissy because he was too tired to walk here yesterday, and today he's hanging out with this other girl he knows. The comment I actually snapped at was just this lighthearted joke, but at the time I was trying to elevate my mood and so the joke didn't go over well inside me and I snapped. But I felt like "God DAMN!" To the situation, not to him. It was like "ok, today your legs hurt, and I'm free. Tomorrow I'm busy, but your legs will be fine, so you're finding a replacement me with less extracurriculars." That was the way I heard it last night, as over-reactant as it was.
Bah, I don't know. What I feel and whats probable aren't jiving lately, mostly because of the December Funk I was talking about. I feel like I'm being shifted around on peoples priority lists, you know? Like when i'm at school, giving up the times when I could be relaxing (a huge thing for me lately) or seeing the people I dont see in school, everyone wants to just Dick around and waste my time. Or like when I talk about being stressed or when I just need somebody to vent a little to, with the focus on ME for a sec, not on THEM and what they're doing, it's too much to ask for without actually asking outright. I go, "God, I just dont know how to deal with it all, you know?" and they go "Yeah... Oh and I got this really good mark in blah blah blah" or "I just bought a new ********" or "Yeah? Man do I hear you, you know I'M just so datidatida this week that..." and it's like that NO MATTER WHO I TURN TO. It makes me feel like how I feel and what I ask doesn't deserve a well thought out answer, you know? Just a "yeah" or and "i dunno" and then a flip of the topic.
I think I'm just craving that nutured feeling you know? I just want someone to help me take care of me a little and not just go off about their own stuff. It's like I'm there to cushion everyone when they need it, I'll put down almost anything for a friend or boyfriend who really needs me or just ANYONE there, and i'll pay attention. I don't do it to get it back, I do it because I want to. Still, it would be nice if the favour were returned, or if the need for it was even noticed without my yelling and jumping.
This constant high adreniline feeling is like sucking on a sour candy that never gets sweet. It's a nice sorta shock, you know, a fun rush at first but if that sweet little centre never hits you all you're doing is wringing yourself dry.

I am currently Depressed

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Bah.
09/29/2004 12:37 a.m.
Bah!!

What do I say to her? I want to call her, but what do I say? Sorry for being hysterical? No, because I'm not. "Hope I don't go beserk again?" No, because I probably will."[smalltalksmalltalksmalltalk]??" How? How do I even pretend like its all ok? Like I'm calm now? Like I can be "fine".

How do you cope with the things the people you love do to themselves? What do you say? She was so fine, so ok with everything when I was the one freaking out. I'm always freaking out. I want to call. I want to. But what can I say to her? Nobody can ever make it better but her. But if it's not sincere it's not anything...

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A Question For All Of You
09/22/2004 07:05 p.m.
Dreams.

Love.

Love of dreams?

Do you dream of love?

What do you have that so many other wish they could have?
What would you barter for a chance at the big one?

THE one?
.

The one what?

Dream? Dreams of fame and fortune and international acclaim? Dreams of that career you've always prayed for and worked towards? Dreams of that big fine house and facy car?

.
The one love?

That one single love that sweeps you off your feet and throws you sky high every day? Every morning? Everytime that you think of it? That love thats like a warm safety blanket and an extra shove when you need?

Do you dream of dreams or love?
Which do you love more?

Would you put one up for the other and sacrifice your dreams for your ultimate love? what about vice versa?
What is more important? The wick of that grass that was greener or the wick of the oak thats enduring?

What are your dreams? Do they dream of you back? Can they love you the way your one and only can?

Who do you love? One person. One person versus your greatness.

Your greatness.

What if that love that you have IS greatness?

I guess the question I'm posing to you, the masses, is what means more? That sky high dream or the love of your life? Bearing in mind that we all crave success, but success can't crave you. Bearing in mind the lifespans of both relationships and success. Bearing in mind that each person has a dream, and each person searches for love. Bearing in mind that neither success nor people are disposable, and many are one time use only deals.
I am currently Clever

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Bah.
09/17/2004 04:14 a.m.
I don't know how much I can take and I don't know if I can even take it anymore without going insane and I don't know if my last entry was insane of right or both or neither. I need to find a way. Maybe not the way I wrote the other day, but a way. some way. And maybe yesterdays entries as a final straw. I said the other day was my final straw.... maybe it's my second to last or maybe I'm a softie. To tell you the truth, I'm scared. And helpless.

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Empty in ways I have never known.
09/16/2004 03:50 a.m.
In my whole life I have never felt so useless. I have never felt so utterly unimportant to someone. I have never felt so dead. Tomorrow I have to function and be ok and be normal. But today I have died. There is nothing. I am so sick of saying things and being so disregarded. Nothing I say is of any importance. Nothing will help someone who doesn't need help. Here I am screaming and it doesn't help. Here I am crying my guts out and it wont help. Nothing helps someone who doesn't want help. But I'm realizing slowly that I can help. And you have to believe me, because for us, there is no other choice. Nothing will make them you see except the consequences of actions. Only the nature of things and how things inevitably play out does. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of stress. I just want to be loved and to be important and I thank those of you who do that for me everyday. Who let me known that they hear me. Who listen when I tell them that I'm so scared. Well I'm scared now. Up until you might have thought I was rational. I still am, and everyone else will see that but you. Know that it's not because you told me but because of everything and this. Because it happened, whether you said so or not. Because you let it. You don't care about you, it's clear. But I do. Ignorance is no better than our worst fears, because the fears still exist if you don't see them. I'm more afraid of living with my head in the sand when it comes to the people I love than I am of the most horrible and terrible truth. The terrible truth now is that as long as you're doing things in ways you know aren't safe I can't condone it. That is the terrible truth. If you seeing the light and understanding what I've tried to tell you for the majority of our lives means not knowing me, means not having me to talk to, means not having just me and thereby forcing you to branch out and tell others (and thereby making new friends first), then ok. I'm willing to sacrifice almost anything to make you see that you're not ok. You were almost suicidal when you told me about the first time. And now this happens again, and you think you're ok. You're so ashamed to tell me things. It took you forever to tell me about throwing up. How can you not think you need help? It doesn't matter how. I love you. I care. And if helping you see that the dirt you've worn so long isn't your skin means killing me inside by doing what I have to do, then fine. It isn't just the sex. It's the mentality around that and everything else you know is destructive. When you can have the honesty within yourself to take responsibility and really see what you look at when you look at yourself, when you can admit when you can't and go and find someone to trust in that can help, when you can do that, and do it until you have a healthier outlook, then I pray to God we can talk and be together like we always are, no matter where we are. But I can't feel your pain for you anymore. I can't yell at the bullies who have moved in and taken over. I don't know how long it will take you to do this. I do know that you can, I promise you can, and if you don't trust me by now I guess you never will. I could be selfish and want to keep you near with this, or I could be courageous and do what needs to be done if I care at all about you. And I care more about than you probably even comprehend. This is why. I can't be there to break your fall, no matter how much I want to run to you and protect from anything that comes around. If I could I would keep you so safe from all the bad things and people but if my words won't strengthen your will then I am down to my very last straw.

Never tell anyone again that no one cares, because this will hurt me more than it will hurt you. I promise. But for the love of a friend, there is nothing too drastic. I can only hope that you make sure it isn't all in vain. You're a part of me, and I can't not try to make you see.
I am currently Empty
I am listening to my dad

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