call me optimistic
08/02/2002 10:44 p.m.
my parents just got me a cell phone.. so I'm pretty excited about that. I can only use about fifteen, twenty minutes a month, but its a start. this marks the all-too-slow coming truth that I'll be driving soon. Plus this Wednesday Sean and I have our first date. We all went to Loco's last night for trivia and it was so comfortable. I didn't think he was going to be there until Christine and I got there and there he was, looking all fine. haha.. I mean, he is.. but I DON'T talk like that. anywho, we talked for about two hours today.. it was nice. i told him about the situation with cyndi and we talked about the concert. He, Keith, Anna, and Christine were going tonight to see the Vanilla Coke's on the bricks concert. Avril Lavigne was going to be there.. and Better Than Ezra and ... Cracker. I really wanted to go, but my parents said no because it's in atlanta.. and (as much as i desperately wanted to see avril lavigne--and michelle branch a month ago--live, i understand their reasoning) if i had a fifteen year old daughter, i probably wouldnt let her go either. .. my dads friend had me and donna watch his three daughters today. it was weird.. relaxing in a sort of way. i did feel kind of old, i'm onyl about five years older than them, but i couldnt help feeling a little boring. i was just tired. not the kind of tired where you've been doing something and you need to rest, just the i cant sleep so i'm awake kind of tired. i dont eat much anymore. it doesnt scare me.. i'm kind of glad. usually in the summer, i eat because i'm bored. now, at times during the day, i'm so NOT hungry that the mention of food makes me sick. but what i do eat isnt all that healthy. okay, all ive eaten today has been.... a small peice of cake, m&ms, two swiss cake rolls, half a crunch ice cream bar... and to drink, i've had water and sprite and diet crush. i need to eat a real meal now........ bye! (i have a cell phone!)
I am currently Peaceful

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i don't know how to say it
08/02/2002 01:12 p.m.
i'm so sick of it. everything. i'm tired of analyzing and picking at every little thing until we're SURE nothing's wrong. she won't talk to me and i don't want to pry. i don't know how to approach her anymore. lately, it seems she's always upset. i don't know what to do.. so instead of hanging around the girl who can't seem to be satisfied, i've "settled" for "head-level" people who accept me for who i am. yes, in her opinion they really don't care, but sometimes you need that artificial assurance to keep you going. because whether or not she's my best friend, she's been bringing me down lately. and i'm so tired from it.
I am currently Helpless

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oh my GOSH
08/01/2002 10:42 p.m.
okay.. cyndi was thrilled when i told her about the whole "sean and me" thing.. but i mentioned something about his parents that he didnt want me to tell anybody and she asked me to elaborate and i said no. she got all huffy about it. turns out it was a misunderstanding... so then, she writes this poem about me on poesie and its all "ooh she's leaving me" i dont know what shes talkign about. so then she calls me like five minutes ago and gets upset because im going to locos and shes not. oh wow.. could she cause me anymore grief? yes, that was harsh, but sometimes things arent that big a deal and she makes them into one. i love her to death, but i dont know if i can handle this right now. the whole thing with sean is already confusing enough between just me and him. im so stressed out right now i dont even want to think about it. ugh.
I am currently Violent

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dollar a table
07/30/2002 05:13 p.m.
well.. i'm off to play pool at lazerworks with some friends.. it'll be keith, the annas, sean, me, and maybe christine. hmm.. will this be weird? nobody knows about "me and sean" except for keith.. i wonder what this'll be like. i dont know if cyndi'll be mad that i havent told her and probably wont tell her for a while.. atleast until we actually do "go out" or whatever. if she is, she can get over it. its so complicated and i dont want to make it even more so. plus, this is, in some small way, a test of trust. i want him to know that if he tells me things he doesnt want anyone to know, he can be assured that no one will know. plus, its a sort of practice. ive gotten used to telling cyndi everything... and somethings you just cant tell your best friend. especially if its not yours to tell. so we're going now. i just talked to cyndi and told her who was going and she asked me why i was going when i was going to be coupled off. to be perfectly honest, i dont think it will be... atleast, for my sake, i hope it wont be. i think ketihs here. bye!
I am currently Anxious

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took him long enough
07/29/2002 09:01 p.m.
so we talked on the phone for about two hours. then he tells me that he knows that i like him. then he asks me out for next week. theres so much more to it.. but i think ill keep it and treasure it for myself.. but after he asked me i was speechless. ive never been speechless before. id heard people say it.. but never experienced it. its not that i had nothing to say...i knew what i wanted to say .. "yes"!!! .. but the word wouldnt come out...


:)
I am currently Giddy

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red faced
07/28/2002 04:22 a.m.
so he let me move his car. everyone left and cyndi and he were left alone in the room. he asked her what the look was for. he's heard "things." what are things? cyndi didnt say anything.. i guess he doesnt know. it scares me. i hope it doesnt get weird. and now apparently christine has a secret about me and.. him. and of course she wont say it. tomorrow is our last day of the play. august 9 christine and anna leave for college. i dont know what to think. they keep saying hes interested and well date this year. i dont know. i dont hope it doesnt happen but i dont want to get my hopes up. if i have any hopes, im scared theyll raise too high. good night.
I am currently Anxious

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standing up for myself
07/27/2002 04:31 p.m.
I went off last night. I climbed into the van and she started "jokingly" complaining that I hadn't walked. I said "please stop talking" and she wouldn't so I started shouting more or less and finally told her how I've been feeling. It was nice to get off of my chest. Then we were late to performance because she had to go to the mall. All in all it was a good night though. (we're fine now) Then after the play, Cyndi, Christine, and I went to Arby's for dinner (a midnight dinner-we hadn't eaten and were starving). It was so much fun. Just a girl's night out, kind of stuff-your-face and talk about everything until they close kind of thing. It was awesome-exactly what I needed. Then I got home and watched some of Memento. But I got tired, so I paused the DVD and went to sleep. I woke up again at around 645 this morning and watched the rest of it. I thought it was like 3 or 4, but towards the end of the movie, I could see light coming through the blinds. Then I went back to sleep until 1030. bye! :)
I am currently Better

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bending the truth
07/26/2002 06:13 p.m.
I had play practice last night (a thursday) and as is tradition, all my friends not in the play went to locos and played trivia. since it was just a touch up, the practice was going to be short so i called sean to see if they were all still going to locos and tell him that we might drop by if it ended early enough. well, he told me yes and invited me cyndi and christine to go with them to see a sneak preview of goldmember at ten. my parents would have said no if i asked them, so i just spent the night at cyndis house and we went after practice. i was so worried my parents would find out, but they didnt. its not like we did anything wrong, we just went and saw a movie. there were a lot of people from church and school there. mainly teenagers at the movie, a few adult couples, but oh well. in our group it was sean anna b, keith, bonner, chris (he was working but came in to see it with us), cyndi, christine, and some girl keith knew but we didnt. it was hilarious. i had fun, cyndi was acting weird the whole time. right before the movie started, she went to the bathroom. i hesitated because it annoyed me how she had been acting, but i got over it and followed her. i could hear she was crying or whatever. then christine came in there. i ended leaving before them and went back int he theatre. they came back a few minutes later. she wa smore or less fine by the end of the night. well, it was a funny movie... it really lightened the mood (thank GOD!).. anywho, i'm off to waste time before i have to leave (i have a show tonight) this is our last weekend.. aww.. sad, i know.
I am currently Cheerful

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in the other living room
07/18/2002 02:51 a.m.
and it confuses me. how he can love one who sits in the other room and talk to me for hours. i miss him when hes not around. but i wont call him. its not a game i play. he just seems more happy when he calls me. except for the other day when i returned his call. he was tired, i could hear it in his voice. but we talked for an hour. we laughed and made stupid jokes that cracked us at our sides. it was nice just chatting away like we had been friends and never anything more. weve never been anything more. never officially. but he would be a liar to say that we didnt exclusively talk to eachother for a semester because we were friends. hes weird, picky like a girl. he really wants a dog or a cat. i would get him one but thats a personal gift. plus his mom would hate me even more. she doesnt even know i exist. but if she did she would hate me. simply because im a girl. last year he told me his mom said that if he ever got a girlfriend she would shoot her. it scared me, but devotion means i still want to be his girlfriend. did that sentence make sense? i thought since i understood a midsummer night's dream, that i would understand taming of the shrew, but i didnt. gave up after the first scene. shakespeare was a funny man when he made sense. we talked about robin williams. we talked about the simpsons and how he wants an animal. we talked about how much we hate american idol. we talked about how weird it is being around anna and annas mom and christine. we talked about getting jobs in the fall and being in drama. we talked about how different its going to be with the seniors gone. he keeps commenting that next year itll just be us. i know, sean, and i cant wait.
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to cyndi and her boyfriend talking about chess

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oh the insignificane
06/30/2002 01:58 a.m.
so i guess it doesnt matter if im happy about it. as soon the shock wore off it settled in. i hope they have a ton of babies.
I am currently Overwhelmed

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