tell me if you know this feeling-
08/27/2002 10:27 p.m.
so two of my sisters might be engaged. and i'm left without anything. i know i'm only fifteen-it's not that i want to be engaged, but anything would be nice. i'm left with a wish and a sigh. i digress. no, seriously, i do. sometimes i close my eyes and replay in my memory the dusty shadows of what could have been-should have been. lovely lonesome coulda, shoulda, woulda's, right? right. right? maybe...
I am currently Nastolgic
I am listening to running away-hoobastank

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new song
08/25/2002 09:33 p.m.
my one true love is music... therefore i have formed this habit of finding songs that fit exactly what im going through... im pretty sure im not the only one. if youve read my past entries, youre pretty caught up on the sean situation... lately we've been really close and its nice for me, but also very confusing. he never fails to take his toll on my emotions. my "theme song" for that situation has been "am i not pretty enough" by kasey chambers which, if you already cannot tell, is a sort of pity-party whiny kind of song, beautiful, but whiny nonetheless. today i changed it to "running away" by hoobastank. if you listen to the lyrics, wow.... you dont even need to read my journal entries... that fits it perfectly. i dont know why i didnt see it before. hm. just thought id share that with you... now ill be on my way. im actually going to hang out with sean and some other people... ;)
I am currently Calm
I am listening to running away-hoobastank

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how much does it matter?
08/17/2002 06:02 p.m.
so I'm searching online for a topic for a persuasive essay due this Monday. i come upon the idea of animal testing. i've never really thought strongly about it, except knowing that I'm against it. but i come upon the peta website and it lists different tests and the reactions that the animals have to it. it amazes me how awful this stuff is. especially considering these tests aren't mandatory and aren't the only way. we're living in 2002 here people, we have technology out the wazoo, i'm sure we can find some way to afford other testing, and some morals.
I am currently Reflective

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first day back
08/12/2002 09:47 p.m.
i started school again today. my junior year :). sean drove me to school- its his senior year. i'm excited for him, but we're not as close as we were starting to be before we dated or whatever. i wish we could be that close again, but things are the way they are. theyve got my schedule all messed up and i need to get it changed soon so i dont miss much in my ap class. i hope they get it done by tomorrow. my wisdom teeth are coming in. donna says that if they come all the way out, i wont need to have surgery. i hope they come all the way out then, because i hear that surgery's rather painful. sean and anna had theirs done within the last year. i baked a cake tonight with the left over from joels birthday. bea and him are going to sambuca tonight to celebrate. she bought this beautiful dress at- go figure- the goodwill emporium. it look drab and tacky onthe hanger, but when she wears it- its very elegant. i dont think i'll be doing anything tongith. a big change from my socially busy summer. its a good change, i guess. :) peace.
I am currently Calm

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lately
08/11/2002 06:14 p.m.
If you want to know what I wish, I'll tell you. I wish we could talk freely. I wish I weren't impossible to love. I wish I had thousands of dollars to give my sister. I wish words held content with some of the people I know. I wish I could be classy without being girly. I wish I could be me without being like a guy. I'm an alto, a low voice is part of the territory. I am girly in some aspects of the word-only the aspects I can handle. Just because I don't talk about every guy I find attractive makes me dangerous. I'm a one guy kind of girl and my "one" guy isn't ready. I find I've been more sarcastic lately. Bitterness hops in whenever it finds a ride. I've been thinking lately. Calmness has found my pockets. It's been a pillow, book, and sunshine kind of day. I wish I didn't have to bring the towels in or see a movie just to see him. I wish I could love him.
I am currently Nastolgic
I am listening to where are you going- dave matthews band

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with one foot up
08/11/2002 06:00 p.m.
so much inspiration today. it hardly feels like a sunday. especially a sunday before everything starts spinning again. good timing is a blessing i havent experienced in a while. i wish i could master the art of that, or the art of anything for that matter. i talked to him again today. he reminded me that he said he was going to call, like i'd forget. funny boy.. wow, memories are large in number with him. he did that on purpose. everyone wants everyone to remember them, he's succeeded. i think cyndis mad at me because i want to go to communion this friday as opposed to a talent search thing at some steakhouse. i mean, i could use a hundred dollars, but i could use a right relationship with my God right now. that confirms it. she just called, and her tone when she said "bye" screamed--i'm angry but not saying anything. i hate that tone. oh the beauty of knowing someone so long. today has been a good day so far. i woke up in time to get ready for church, got there on time, ate pancakes for breakfast, got to drive, home alone, made a new cd, written many poems.... but this little thing will cyndi wont fail to upset me and give me another ulcer. my stomach always hurts when i'm upset or i eat that stupid frozen pizza in the freezer---and ive done both today, so that means i'll die today. hm, i guess this friday is obsolete. if thats even the correct usage of the word... there i go being austentacious (or ostentatious.. whatever). i miss him so much.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to million tears- kasey chambers

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Journal Entry
08/11/2002 12:39 a.m.
I know in ten years none of this will matter. I know that, don't you think I know that? well.. I do. And I'm sure that in months I'll be planning a new wedding. Because false truths are my specialty. "never get too close" I should've known that I wasn't ready. It still hurts to joke about it, but it hurts worse not to. So i laugh loudly enough for everyone to know I really hate to be laughing about it. What was that last night? having second thoughts? Maybe.. about what, I'm not so sure. You're so good at being vague- you thrive in it. Nobody can know exactly what you're thinking because then you would be making a promise. and then you would be stuck. And now's not the time to be stuck-for you anyway. Such a bad word, so bad it makes me flinch. he said "not all guys are like that" i said "all seventeen year old guys are" he shook his yes before he disagreed, saying he wasn't like that. looks like you're the outsider there, and youre in your late thirties and married. I'll wait until then, not for you, don't worry. I wouldn't want to assume you'll be ready by then. I tried not to push you, I held back all of my childhood instincts to hold you and use that voice that makes me cringe when other people use it and hold your hand and just watch you. I followed your lead until you decided to stop leading. You cut the stupid little string that was holding us, barely, holding us. She doesn't understand the sacredness of it all, so she jumps on you, so she looks pretty around you. And so do i, hoping that old malfunction will spark again and I'll find us dating once more. But I'm dwelling.. I've been dwelling for the past year, why stop now? I stopped caring, started letting go and you told it to turn around and bite me in the butt. Thanks for that, and thanks for all of the little scars that won't show until one day I'll have to trust some guy, or (God forbid), you ever again. It's nice, you know, you taking advantage of my feelings towards you. It's creative how you twisted it around to hurt me. And the way you play naive and fun little we're-just-friends like "weve always been" that's nice. it excites me that we didn't talk much thursday, and that when i started talking to jon or christine or anna or keith, suddenly you had a mouth. that exciteds me. thank you for proving, oh so eloquently that you are human. and that i am not.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to john mayer-no such thing

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we stopped dating before our "official" date (today)
08/07/2002 09:57 p.m.
Yesterday Sean called and we were just talking, then I brought up the fact that he could come over today. He got all quiet and said that he hadn't wanted to bring it up until later and that it was "really hard" to say or whatever. Basically, he said he had made a mistake and that he thought was ready, but turns out, he's not. It really made me angry, but we ended up just talking about nothing for about an hour or two afterwards. So last night, Cyndi and I went to play pool at Lazerworks and I got to thinking. And I decided to be up front with him. So I called him when I got home, but he wasn't there. So I waited and finally, I was bursting, so I called back and left a message on his answering machine. It was really long and I was rambling the whole time, but I needed to get it out. Briefly, I said that I just wanted to know if I should go ahead and get over him or if he thought that there was ever a chance that when he was ready, that we might date again. Well, he calls me back today and said that he doesn't know what might happen in the future, but at the moment he doesn't like anyone. It really actually hurt, him saying that, because when this whole thing started he told me he liked me. Which means, it just kind of went away. I don't know whether I'm relieved or just faking, but I can't wait for school to start. This is going to be a whole new chapter in my life-no matter how lame that sounds. I'll be driving in a couple months and I'm going to get a job and I'll be back in school and back in drama. I can't wait to start theatre again. I'm excited about seeing all my other friends that I didn't get to see much during the summer. I'm excited about seeing, now that all that is out of the way, what kind of friends Sean and I become. I have to admit, I was thrilled to be "dating" him and to get my first kiss from him, but maybe this was all just to get me ready for something better that may be waiting in my future. Junior year, here i come!
I am currently Better

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tell me one thing
08/04/2002 03:36 p.m.
tell me why (and how it's okay) that everyone has an opinion about this whole dating thing except for me and sean. tell me how people get off telling me what to do and what not to do. i dont mind when people give me advice but when they go off because they find out im dating someone, its not right. im at a loss for words right now im so angry. and if you know me, then you know i dont anger easily. but im coming to the end of my rope. all of this is so new to me and i cant enjoy it because everyones telling me not to do it. i wish everyone would just stop breathing down my neck and let me do this. if it is a mistake, let me make a mistake. dont make me resent you.
I am currently Troubled

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first time for everything
08/03/2002 05:49 p.m.
maybe i was being selfish by asking miss donna if i could wait until tomorrow to clean. i want to see him today. its not like i told her no. besides, cyndi LIVES there, why cant she ever pitch in and clean sometimes? i feel like there is so much for me to live up to and lately ive been falling short of that. the only reason i feel like this is because of the situation between cyndi and me. and its not like im making all of this up in my head, when i mentioned that i might be going to the mall with "them," her mood dramatically changed and she was upset. i dont know what to do or how to approach her when she gets like that, so i get quiet too. is it just my responsibility to patch everything? its not my fault. shes the one getting upset about the littlest things. i dont understand. lately ive just gotten so tired of trying. its becoming like her justins relationship. its so redundant. now i know how he must have felt, not being able to make her happy. its the worst feeling, trying and trying to make someone happy with you and failing over and over again. so, can you blame me when i stop trying and go to other people who want to be my friend and let me be me without getting upset. i admit that i have been pulling away from her, and those are the reasons why. and i understand this is a hard time for her, but she doesnt want to talk about it with me, so i dont know how else to help her through it. and im not going to sit on the phone forever while she sits there quiet, making me feel guilty for trying to lead a semi-happy life. its so frustrating to love a friend so much and not be able to talk to them or hang out with them. ive got a lot of good things going on in my life right now and because of that one speck of dirt, that one speck of unhappiness, i cant enjoy it without feeling guilty. and she wonders why i dont want to be around her.
I am currently Unsure
I am listening to eat sleep-lisa loeb

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