My space is filled with habits:21st of sep,2004.
09/23/2004 03:01 a.m.
My space is filled with habits:21st of sep,2004.


My space is filled with habits.
Some are small. Some are big. Some are boorishly crude, some are sophist.
There are many which are intoxicating, irritatingly opaque but then there are which are solid, liquid or Smokey. Few and far between these are handful of humorous but then there are many which are ugly. Some are innocents, good for nothing. Some are dangerous and a bit risky.
All sorts.
I removed one without filling the space with a replacement. And this is filling me with blankness.
I am now un-housing many more to fill my dwelling with emptiness.
So that I can fill it with beauty.

I am currently Creative

Comments (0)

Realizing the realization: 20thsep, 2004.
09/21/2004 02:11 a.m.






I am disjointed. Almost powerless.
Lethargic, my body seem to totally disconnect from the rushing thoughts I some how see but fail to STOP despite directing one thought towards this disconnection. The body doesn’t stir.
I start justifying the lethargy.
I ought to relax. My body needs rest. My mind needs sleep, mentally I repeat in my justification.
But can I justify my not retiring to my bed a bit early?
Can I justify my not trying to save this wastages and the leakage of precious energies, knowingly?
Some times you SEE but don’t realize. Some time you SEE and REALIZE but fail to ACT.
The other day I saw that woman looking at me so eagerly awaiting my comment on her physical change she thought I would mark and comment but despite seeing and realizing and reading her thoughts I totally ignored her and her thoughts. I realized this realization today. Hahahaha
Like wise I saw and realized this disconnection but then I simply failed to recognize the realization. And when I did, I did wake up and wrote what I am typing now. We need to realize the realization too. Hahahah

The more you are resolved to jump from ACTION TO ACTION, more you realize that you are jumping from THOUGHT TO THOUGHT. The more you try to hold your attention intact, from pole to pole, more you realize that you are distracted. The more you try to UNDO what tends to be happening in the natural course, guided by the LAW OF ACCIDENT, more you realize how difficult it is to UNDO and that UNDOING alone can tantamount to DOING. The more the intensity of this realization is, more you are aware, Aware of your unhappiness. the more you realize the terror of the situation, more you realize that you are NOT.
Let’s rejoice in this unhappiness. Let’s derive solace from this unhappiness so much associated with your realizations. The more you realize this unhappiness, more you are happy.
There’s no going back. It’s always difficult to go back to a dream you have just walked out.



I am currently Reflective

Comments (0)

IF is the word: sep, 17th 2004
09/17/2004 02:10 a.m.
IF is the word: sep, 17th 2004


IF is the word, the very first word I saw appearing today. Where did it emanate from? And why this stipulating doubtful word?
IF and WHEN….appeared another, definitely associative stipulating and doubtful. BUT….oh! Again a word laying condition.
But I am not unhappy with these words. These seem to be leading me somewhere IF and WHEN I stop leading them nowhere.
There was a school which believed that in the beginning there was nothing but a WORD-GOD, the GOD- WORD, the omnipresent vibration appearing and emanating in and from every thing that appeared later in this infinite void.
The God said- let it BE. Let the world filled by the WORD, vibrating in every thing, every appearance, every phenomenon (and later it is said the God sent all the three aspects of his essence, the three forces which causes accident, which causes happenings, which creates the illusion of a DOING- the Holy Father, the Holy Son and the Holy Ghost.)
Where is this word leading me? But why am I putting this question mark? Oh! It’s always good to put a question mark against a question mark. Let us not lead the lead anywhere > lets STOP and BECOME the LEAD.
If I want to die in a plane crash I have to better be inside a plane.

In the beginning there was a God- the WORD God. The God said – let it be.
Yes, from Do to Do, filling all the gaps, meeting all the stipulations of all the if's and when’s and but's…. In the process of being one with the word, the WORD GOD in its essence and not just appearance. From DO to DO and no gaps. From A to A and no gaps.




I am currently Reflective

Comments (1)

The same dream, again: 15 sep., 2004.
09/15/2004 01:21 a.m.






I saw the same dream for the umpteenth time with some meaningless variation, externally.
But was it the same ever leaving me in the middle of nowhere?

I can still see that over crowded railway platform and over stuffed coaches. There’s still time for the schedule departure I suppose since I seem to be in no hurry to board. I am standing on the platform simply waiting for nothing and lo! The train suddenly starts moving and in no time it catches speed so much that I can see the couches passing me fleetingly. I know it is impossible to catch the train now. I can see myself shouting and gesticulating asking frantically to the passengers standing at the doors or peeping out of the windows of the coach to pull the chain. They do oblige it seems since the train slows down but despite my efforts (and I remember I was so relentless) I just fail to board. The train catches gigantic speed again before I could come across an open door of any coach.
This happens once again and this time too I am on the verge of a failure as always. I can still SEE the train moving out of the platform. I can see myself running parallel to the last coach suddenly descending through the ramp leading to an uneven almost pebbled fields along the track. I can see myself still gesticulating but finally giving up my chase and suddenly I SEE my self leaping towards the last coach which seems to be almost gone but …
Yes, I am not very sure since here I woke up from this dream for the umpteenth time but this time with a feeling that I did not fail, since I did see my right hand clutching the supporting rod and right foot firmly placed on the footboard.
Did I? Did I finally made it to train destined to my ever eluding destination? Did I?
The crowd is always destined and never fails to catch their trains leading them to their deaths. It’s always me failing to catch MY TRAIN. But this times some how I have a strong feeling that I did.
I wish I could LIVE this dream rather than SEEING it.
CAN I?

I am currently Alienated

Comments (1)

I am getting up early,tired,sleepy and ever wanting to go back
09/14/2004 12:14 a.m.
I am getting up a bit early these days, tired, sleepy, and ever wanting to go back to sleep.
I am getting up a bit early these days, happy and ever wanting to get up still earlier
I am waking up a bit early these days always in conflict and struggling to get up.

Yesterday I woke up at four, struggled, dozed off and finally woke up at six, unhappy.
Today, I woke up at four, struggled, dozed off and finally woke up at five, tired, sleepy and ever wanting to go back to sleep but here I am determined (I think I am trying to trick my self for good. Ha! Ha!), typing this account of early rising.
I am waking up early aware that I just can’t go back.
So, what shall I do? This lack of sleep will have its own toll in the long run. I know I must curtail my need for sleep in terms of hours and I must retire a bit early every day.
I know I must apply A to A as much as I can and conserve precious little energies.
I know I must come back home a bit early, eat a bit early, and…well, I wish if you too can come a bit early.


I am currently Tired

Comments (0)

From sub-A to sub-A.: 12th Sep, 2004.
09/12/2004 02:53 p.m.


It’s four and I am wondering. I cross check the time. Three watches and all showing four. When did I register this suggestion? On the contrary I remember suggesting myself to continue getting up at five for few more days and then gradually start getting up earlier. I remember worrying about the lack of sleep in the wake of my bad quality of concentration, distracted and tiring routine day of mental activity and my crowd situations. I also remember telling a friend about my decision to gradually fall back to my old routine of getting up at 3.30/4. I remember saying gradually and its here I am awake at four.
I must have killed ten minutes wondering and worrying and trying to go back to sleep (how can one try sleeping? One can try waking up since sleep is leaving all mental activities?) And then finally I conclude that it’s utter nonsense to try and sleep. Its also utter nonsensical thought to think that I can’t do this or that and that I am used to this and that since this is what confines and binds us to those suggestions. Why can’t I sleep as and when I want to? Why can’t I remain awake as and when I want to? Why can’t I decide depending on a situation and the need rather than deep rooted suggestions I keep on reinforcing time and again by repeating the very suggestion which I ought to counter and counter time and again.

I decide to make some tea then decide this to be an utter nonsensical thing. I decide to go to my study but then logically decide not to since this might wake up Mowgli and once he wakes up he might need all the attention. Finally I decide to come here and do some typing.
And despite my tiredness I am typing and shall continue to from sub-A to sub-A. hahaahah





I am currently Reflective

Comments (0)

This is not A to A: 11th Sep, 2004.
09/12/2004 02:29 p.m.


It’s dark. Should be five, I think. There was some conflict for sometime, inside. Five? Five thirty?
Was it five?
Was the suggestion for five? Did I suggest five or five thirty? I remember I was undecided though I remember telling some one (who? Mother, I suppose. Why? Yes, I offered to make morning tea for her and my father since I will be getting up at 5 hence forth I had argued with her) Yes, five I had said and in the course of saying I registered this suggestion since I am positive towards getting up early and have never negated any suggestion in regard to getting up early. But my asking her was meaningless since I knew her answer.
A to A means jumping from one action to another, always intending, aware and in thoughtlessness unless the thought is intended and part of the action. Even when one intends a nap or one is retiring to bed or one is shutting off all mental activity. A to A is a process where in we turn all reactions into actions, all happenings into our DOINGS, all the unintended actions into conscious and intended actions in continuity, saving time, life and precious little energies.
Incidentally, I did not intend my current thought neither before I wrote it nor in the process of writing nor after having thought what I thought. Ha! Ha! Ha! (Can one intend a thought one has already thought, in retrospect??)

Switch on the light-I think and as usual, I think why I have to think to switch on. It’s funny from an outsider's view but so nonsensical from an insider’s point of view.
I see my self fragmented. Body and one part of me filled with lethargy, not wanting to get up where as the other one thinking and struggling. Five minutes must have passed and I haven’t yet switched on the light.

This is not A to A. I had not intended this thought. If one can’t determine one’s action to be in thoughtlessness, one ought to think as part of the action but intentionally and confined to the bare necessity, conscious of one’s thinking.

Its 5.15, I look at the watch returning from the bathroom after throwing some cold water on my face and glancing at the dressing mirror- now I look awake and presentable. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Yes, how can one be presentable unless one is PRESENT? I think without thinking and feel a bit shy having glanced at the mirror.
I laugh quietly in order not to alert Mowgli and obviously not to annoy my wife, both of them deep asleep in their respective beds. I cover Mowgli with the other sheet since he is lying on the sheet I had covered him with earlier.
I am feeling tired now. In any case, the quality of my concentration isn’t good. I know this while concentrating on the pen moving on the pad. I can feel the boredom shrouding me slowly. This is the boredom of life one must not allow to engulf our lives with. But, affected by this boredom I am thinking of taking a small nap in thoughtlessness. Should this napping be my next action? Shall I? Is it ME intending this small nap? Or me tricking ME? Who?
Sliding down in my bed I look at the watch showing it to be 6.
Lying comfortably in my bed now I am thinking. Thinking of not thinking. Struggling and thinking as to why I have to think when I am not required to think at all, when I need to relax and conserve energies.
Suddenly I am back. Aware and in some control. I get up again.
Its 6.15, the time my mother gets me my first tea of the day.
Its 6.20 and she haven’t knocked my door yet. The delay is understandable since she isn’t keeping good health these days. Shall I go and ascertain? What? That when will I get my tea? But how my knowing of when will I get my tea will get me my tea earlier than when I will get my tea? Oh! How easily we trick our selves. What kind of fools we are? Perfect idiots. Real nincompoops.
But I know I am tired. And if I know I am tired then I also must know that I am responsible for this tiredness. this lack of energies. My body needs relaxation and this could be done at any time. But normally the body is lazy and this should be fought.
But mind needs sleep when tired. Mind should always be allowed sufficient time to recoup but then one should also see that one doesn’t exhaust mind meaninglessly in pure emotionalism and mechanical blah blah. I don’t think any one need to sleep more than three hours a day, if one can STOP this emotional exhaustion and mechanical internal dialoging consuming energies meaninglessly. As a matter of fact one hardly needs any sleep if one can control one’s own attention and remain in thoughtlessness. There were days when I hardly used to sleep for more than three/four hours and I was ever fresh and relaxed. I used to sleep in thoughtlessness. I used to wake up in thoughtlessness.
I have become such a bad man now.
Its 6.30. My mother hasn’t arrived with the tea. Is she okay? Now I am a bit worried. I must go and check. In any case, I will have to get up and get into another kind of routine/chain of actions and sub-actions. Mowgli duty calls me. Ha! Ha-ha!

Knock! Knock! Knock!
My tea!!!
How selfish I am. How self centered are we.It should have been my mother in my thought first and then tea. Now I don’t feel like laughing. But I must laugh my selfish self out.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
I am laughing at my self. I must keep on laughing on my nincompoops.






I am currently Tired

Comments (1)

I need 400 and I have 40 : Sep 10th, 2004.
09/11/2004 03:00 p.m.





I need 400 and I have 40. And if I am wasting 40 rather than expanding it to 400, it’s my death instinct forcing me to live through this process of death. Life is in living and experiencing. And you have all the time inside the time to experience your living in detail, like you experience the space when you move in slow motion, expanding this 40 to 400 or is it the other way round ( experiencing 400 in 40)?

I got up a bit early today and thought (the very first thought of the day)- what time it must be? Five thirty- was the answer cropping up from within.
It was five thirty.
I got up a bit early though not yet the time I want to get up, as a routine, my once upon a usual time 3.30 in the morning. And as usual, I thought of switching on the light (table lamp on the side table) and thought, as usual, why do I have to think of switching on the light? Why can’t I simply switch on the light?
Its here where the real test is. Its here where the battle is? It took me five minutes to switch on. I need 400 and now I have just 35.
I hear a chime at the main door. I know this must be the labors doing some digging work in the plot opposite my house and they have chimed the bell to inform the guard of their arrival. Despite knowing that the bell must have chimed in the guard room too, I feel distracted. I walk up to the main door, unlock both the locks, walk up to the main gate, peep through, out of my meaningless anxiety and mechanical ness. While relocking the main door, I realize for the umpteenth time that it was my thought, which distracted me, and not the labors who chimed the doorbell.
I lost another 5 while wanting 400.

ACTION-to-ACTION, I shout at me, internally, more out of frustration than resolve. And despite the shouting and in the process of shouting I realize that I am yet to determine my next action despite all the thinking and umpteen resolves I have made for DOING and UNDOING in the course of my life so far. what? I start thinking again and in the process I waste another 5.
I am left with just 25 now and I need 400.

But this time I pick up the note pad and the pen in thoughtlessness. I will decide my next ACTION in the course of my jottings. I will remain alert, sub divides this ACTION of jotting in to many SUB ACTIONS, like a mile having many sub miles. I will treat my intended thoughts as an intended action, merged into my other actions, from one to another as sub action then to next to next and next expanding my balance of 25 into 400. I can, I know, by jumping from one Action to another, aware, intending and in thoughtlessness.

Oh! I forgot about this predetermined action I shall have to perform before the action I just now determined as my next. The guard came to pick Mowgli for his morning walks. I had to get up from my bed, yell at Mowgli to get up, fold his two covers, bed sheet and the mattress, chain him, unlatch the verandah door and lead him out in the lawns, all in continuity of action from one to another without any gap but with some adjustment in order to save. Yes, in order to save energies/time/life, rather than wasting it.

My mother knocks my door, hands me my tea and its here I slip. I walk out in the living room unintended, mechanically, doing some small talks with my mother (small talks are necessary in fulfillment of my role of a good son) but this was not intended now when I am engaged in a different sequence of action.
I lost another 5 after having saved and added 5.
Another sip of tea and now its my wife’s turn to distract me. Again! Oh! I am mistaken again. It’s my thought of distraction, which is distracting me than my wife. She is complaining claiming that I have been doing non-stop dialoging ever since I got up at 5.30. I defendingly say, how is this possible since I wrote this much, did this and this and this. I indicate at the note pad on my lap with the pen still in my hand and I do say ‘five pages’ and realize and smile at my unintentional lie but definitely a lie we are all so used to. I had written three and normally when you say ten people take it as five, forcing you to say twenty next time. What do we do in such a situation when one wants to say ten? Well, people would normally say twenty or thirty even forty and the other fellow will take it as five. This is how the world communicates. But I feel bad that I said five. I normally tend to hide things than projecting. This is all so nonsensical. I am feeling sad for even defending my self.
My tea is getting cold. I must have a sip or two. Sipping is part of my chain of actions and sub actions. My next action to be, suddenly appear from nowhere and I am happy but…but. It will have to wait almost for a day since Mowgli has arrived and he is shouting angrily at me. I will now put on my rubber Kito’s, pick up cycle key and now its time to play, cycle, run, snatch the ball, tease mowgli and mowgli, heat his food, feed (the bloody fellow has never learnt to eat himself. He would look at you to feed him even when the food is kept before him). By intermingling all the actions and doing minor adjustments I know I can save 5.
Well, the action that I had decided as my next and which will have to wait is that I was to move into Alice’s wonderlands. Tomorrow I shall, I am sure.







I am currently Reflective

Comments (1)

Another transitional day bet. smoking and nonsmoking: Aug.21st,
08/22/2004 01:33 p.m.



Well, not much of a struggle because I am smoking but for the breakfast-to-evening-tea-non-smoking stipulation. My smoking selves did approach and more than once but left without much of a fight. In the afternoon when I had my tea at around four, one of them appeared again, optimistically, but I stood my ground since the non-smoking time was uptill my evening tea which I shall have at around six. Just a few minutes ago he appeared again with a solid argument - ‘in any case you are giving it up once and for all by Friday why not smoke as much as you want’? I countered it with - well, if I can't live without it for another hour how can I survive without it after Friday? He left, and I am here rejoicing in my little WIN. Though I feel a bit ashamed too . Ashamed that this bloody simple thing is taking so much toll. That I have become a slave to these habits and they sound so big. I feel so dwarfed by them.

I am currently Embarrassed

Comments (1)

I have decided to give up smoking, one more time-Aug. 21st,2004
08/22/2004 01:10 p.m.


I have decided to give up smoking one more time. This decision in itself has no meaning since the self who has decided to give up will be found sleeping or groaning, when my smoking selves would be exhaling smoke, poisoning the atmosphere, without as well as within. But this decision is inevitable to start with, for my intending self to assert and struggle, to determine his predetermined WIN. Will he? Can he?
Well, the first thing that I have decided in the process of this giving up is to obtain two more packs of cigarettes. With these two packs and the left over numbers in the three packs lying in my study, dressing room and office table drawer, the total comes to almost 50 cigarettes. In my case, these 50 shall make 100 since I smoke half a bit at a time using a filtered holder. One hundred is a big number to smoke and think against smoking. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Well, I have decided not to smoke more than my likely present stocks, which as I just now added up is 100 bits. This means that the two packets that I am going to get today are going to be the last two packs plus the previous left overs, as long as they can last.
No. Friday shall have to be my last smoking day. I am committed. I just have to ascertain that this committed self shows enough strength and courage to stand his grounds when my smoking selves would hit him hard in the days to come.
While smoking and shaving (or it's shaving and smoking and this I am so used to) I decided not to smoke between my breakfast and lunch (a gap of more than four hours) so as to give my intending self a taste of my smoking selves, a trial, an opportunity to experience the onslaught of these habitual selves; their arguments, counter arguments, approaches, justifications, temptations, and allurements. I am sure I can at least withstand their tricks and attacks for four hours.
I am sitting in my lawyer’s office on way to my office and I am so inclined to smoke. I visit here once every month, normally on Saturday mornings, and I do smoke. It's obvious that I will feel like smoking owing to my associations, and normally I smoke a full cigarette so as not to attract attention. Somehow, I find it easy to ignore this urge without much of a struggle.
‘The beginning wasn’t bad’ - I thought on my way to my office from my lawyer’s chamber. But it’s my office where my smoking self was waiting to charge and hit me hard. The moment I entered my room I knew I had to smoke. And it wasn’t just a subconscious knock; it was my body craving for just a cigarette. My whole being. My smoking self as my being.
‘What have you made of your self, Ashok?’ - I asked my self, ashamed and shocked - ‘Do you realize how weak you are when you really fight? You are weak and you have to WIN? How do you do that unless you declare yourself a WINNER before getting into the ring?’
But this time I am probably (out of my own weakness, I deduce) going to fight and in the middle of the fight kick my opponent out of the ring.
Hardly few minutes have passed when I almost heard a knock. This was my subconscious (my smoking selves trying to trick me) knocking the doors of my consciousness; saying - 'there’s something yet to be done. There’s something missing’. In normal course I, like an automata, would have opened my drawer, picked up a bit and lighted. But I am present. I know what was I missing. I know what was needed to be done was actually needed to be UNDONE. I am prepared.
Up till my lunch I had to struggle at least four times not to smoke. And shamefully, I must admit, I did look at my watch once to ascertain how much more waiting was needed for the lunch. Ha! Ha! But I did not rush for the lunch when it was laid in my nephew’s room. I delayed my going intentionally to have the taste of this little WIN.

I am currently Triumphant

Comments (0)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries