STOP : Aug.11th,2004.
08/11/2004 05:10 p.m.




STOP. This is not just a word. Not any more.

I have been using it every now and then but I have never applied it as MANTRA.

STOP. Yes, it’s a MANTRA and like any MANTRA one shall have to practice and realize it. The vibrations are good and there’s an abruptness besides my positive association with it that I have built and suddenly gave a new meaning to it. I am using it quite frequently now. To STOP the happenings from taking their own course. From STOPPING the automata inside to take control of me. To STOP internal dialoging.

STOP. This habitual self will not stop easily. Years of reinforcement and umpteen associations externally gives him enough power to surmount any STOP. Hahaha. Yes, He wants to smoke. And I am bent upon to use my newfound MANTRA.
STOP. Well, the end results isn’t that bad. I made him STOP. At first instance I held him for five minute in oblivion. At second, I forgot to smoke. Well, it’s a different issue that when I remembered smoking again I did not stop even for one second. He was I and there was no one to STOP him.

STOP. I stop shaking my legs waiting for some one while indulged in my nonsensical mechanical blah blah.

STOP. Oh! This self won’t STOP easily. He seems so charged. The bait is too strong and energies so powerful. I had to call STOP seven times to stop him from indulging in that alluring daydream.

This MANTRA should be used with this belief that this simply means STOP, a brake. This means you have to abruptly jump from the mood to the other. This means stop and take inventory of your stocks. This means walk out of your mind and become part of the space for a while. This means just STOP.

But how do I stop the man sitting before me blabbering non stop of the old days, of the acquaintances dead and alive, of the incidence and experiences which are meaningless as much as they were in retrospect? How do I stop him when I am too so much involved in this waste-deriving pleasure? I am too involved to stop.

STOP. This did work. Suddenly I want him to go. But my civility stops me from asking him.
I was just about to offer him another cup of tea but now I shall not. I suddenly feel indifferent. I find that he did realize this without my saying. He asked me if he was disturbing my routine, my work. Well, not exactly, I say but yes, I have lot to do before I leave and I point at the scattered files on my table watching him watching me watch my watch. He leaves.
STOP, I utter loudly no sooner he leaves my office and I am back to my unfinished paper work. The MANTRA worked.
I order for my tea.




I am currently Playful

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Forty steps-and I shall never arriveÂ’
07/27/2004 03:30 p.m.
Sunday, July 27th, 2004.

What time is it? It must be a bit late. Seven?
I went to bed late last night, reading Agehanand’s autobiography-the Ochre Robe. But I do feel thoroughly rested.
Three thoughts appear out of nowhere. No, not out of nowhere. There’s nothing, which can appear out of the blue. I have definite associations with them. Computer, tea and writing pad have association with my mornings. The last one was reinforced yesterday.
I decide to go with all the three and want to see where I shall end.
So, after having thrown some water on my face, dried it with a Turkish napkin, I pick up my writing pad and a pen and move towards kitchen.

‘Forty steps-and I shall never arrive’- I utter to my self.
Yes, I shall never arrive. The trick is here. One is defying the basic death instinct in not arriving, in not going ahead of the time and not letting time chase you.
This sounds paradoxical. Survival is what our basic instinct is. Refined survival is what our dreams are. But in practice, we are always ahead of the time (space-time continuum, fragmented but way ahead in time) We always want to be in the next moment and then next. We want to be in the time absent, which has not yet arrived. We never stop. This is our death chasing us. This is inside us in the form of an instinct I prefer to call – DEATH INSTINCT.
What are we to call this instinct if knowingly we succumb to this instinct and keep on chasing the time while the death keeps on chasing you? If time is the synonym of life it is also the synonym of death. I think I would prefer to call it SUICIDAL INSTINCT. This is suicide and this process is the process of suicide.
Now I am sitting before the computer with my tea and this pad with what ever I have written so far in the course of preparing my tea and what ever I am writing just now, sipping my tea in between.
STOP- suddenly I hear my self uttering. Instead of logging on I am descending stairs. Sep by step, never to arrive down stairs. Never to arrive anywhere.
I don’t think any one is going any where because the instinct which is capable of leading you any where is your DEATH INSTINCT and in my case (since I do sense this instinct, know it so closely) Its SUICIDAL INSTINCT AND I AM NOT PREPARED to kill my self.
So, I will LIVE in the time, with the time, never allowing it to chase me nor shall I chase it and in the process I will never arrive anywhere. I shall be where I am. I was upstairs few moments ago. Then on stairs, step by step and now down stairs ascending back upstairs. And I shall never arrive upstairs. Never. I am not going. I am where I am, step by step. Pole to pole. In time, Hand in hand with life.
I am trying to trick my self. I try and walk backward mentally while walking forward physically..Hahaha this is a trick. You become your body moving in slow motion.


I am currently Calm
I am listening to Nothingness.

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The body speaks in no uncertain terms: July 25th 2004.
07/25/2004 03:10 p.m.




I thought in so many words
Moved indecisively
To a destination
I wasn’t sure
I was going.

On arriving
I found my MOWGLI, waiting
Sensing my every move to be.

He knew before I knew
Sensing through his body
I was still uncertain
Muddling in the quagmire
Of ever conflicting thoughts


The body speaks
In no uncertain terms.


Note:
MOWGLI is my three-year-old Dalmatian son. He would always know my movements before I am sure about it.





I am currently Affectionate

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Why should it matter to me?
07/23/2004 02:17 p.m.



‘Why should it matter to you? – Point blank, I was asked.

Why should it matter to me?
When the drink starts drinking you and the smoke begins conceiving smoke screen between you and YOU, why should it matter to me?
May I ask you, why should it matter to you, so as to hide YOUR face, besmeared with shame and guilt, behind this very question, weak and powerless?
But I will not ask you.
I will ask my self- why should it matter to me?

But before I arrive at any palatable answer, I must find out why am I feeling so weak? Why should it matter to me to feel weak?
Why am I feeling as if it is my defeat, as if my entire struggle has come to a stand still? Why should it matter to me to feel pinch of this small defeat? Why am I feeling let down, a right and a left on my mouth?

Why am I struggling to get up and start another battle, despite a part of me leaving the field and hiding behind the smoke screen?

I know there are ups and down in a war and I am prepared to treat this as a strategic retreat. But only if one is determined to rise and pounce at the enemy with one’s might.

Am I ready for this?
But let me search out my sleeping part hiding behind the smoke screen and ask- why should it matter to me?



Comments (3)

The dividing line between a YES and a NO is very thin: july 20th
07/20/2004 02:40 p.m.

The dividing line between a YES and a NO is very thin.

And what holds you from crossing over is your own fear. The fear of the fear, in fact.

I can’t – You said, out of this fear of the fear.

You can’t, if you can’t. You have predetermined your defeat and mind it, its not YOU. Its one of your selves, you wish to defeat and WIN its association. And in the process, instead of resisting to its allurement courageously with a predetermined WIN, you reinforced a fear in the form of a NO. A NO which is so thickly embedded within, as one of your unwanted self. So thick that the moment, a possibility of a YES appears, it pins the INTENDING SELF down on the floor.

Say-YES.

Say- I CAN.

And not just in words, not just on the intellectual plane. The NO is too sticky to let you cross over, riding on mere words. Only ACTION can. A battle with a predetermined decision of a WIN.

What’s a predetermined WIN?

A battle already WON.

You walk into the ring like a WINNER, laughing at, challenging and teasing your opponent.

There is no fear. The opponent has already lost. The battle is already WON. By YOU- the IMPECCABLE WARRIOR.

When you do this, you are crossing this thin line, the line between a YES and a NO.

You must know. Irrespective of your win or defeat, the earth shall keep on rotating on its axis. Follow its prescribed path. The time (as we experience) will maintain its pace from dawn to dusk and to dawn. Nothing is going to change in this external world but you have every thing to lose.

Your freedom TO BE.

However small it may seem at this juncture. Taste the flavor of a WIN. Feel the beauty of the charge. You shall be on the pathless path of freedom, battling and WINNING every battle, you wage within, like an impeccable warrior.

The dividing line between a YES and a NO is too thin.

Just cross over this line. Simply. You don’t have to look back. There’s fear behind, which shall magnify it self into the fear of the fear if you keep on projecting your past on to the future.

The dividing line between past and the present is too thin if you decide to defy your selves and WIN.

I am eating less these days. By twenty percent: July 19th, 2004.
07/19/2004 04:20 p.m.

I am eating less these days. Twenty percent, tentatively, in terms of calories and quantity, e.g., instead of eating two chapattis (Indian bread) in my lunch and dinner I am eating one and half. Instead of consuming two table spoon of steamed rice in my dinner, I am contented with one and half. So much so that I have even curtailed my customary drink of elixir of life, i.e.,a glass of yogurt drink in the course of my break fast and lunch by reducing the quantity of sugar and yogurt and adding water by twenty percent.

I have done this intentionally. I had wanted to do this since last two months but was failing in my endeavor to do so owing to my casual approach and lack of application. This time I used the law of association to cut down on my eating.

A close friend of mine, an impulsive eater, too had wanted to cut down on her eating. I decided to associate my curtailment on account of her, associating it with her eating. Now I can only resume to my normal diet when she resumes, what she feels is her normal and controlled diet.

Thank you friend for helping me to help you to help me.

I shocked her, accidentally : July 19th, 2004.
07/19/2004 02:46 p.m.

I shocked her

Accidentally.

The shock waves

Shook me deep

Reverberating within

Resurrecting an inert

Age-old fraction of me

Give me a shock

Grateful I shall be

Conscious or accidental

A definite means of a change

Within.

If I am concerned with the time- July18th, 2004.
07/19/2004 02:43 a.m.

If I am concerned with the time- July18th, 2004.

‘If I am concerned with the time then can my attention really be intact’?

I picked this question from a friends ‘writing exercise’. My answer, without being asked, Is – NO.

No -  the external oneness is always in space-time continuum, which from our point of view is a fragmented experience (body in the space and mind in the time), if attention sticks to one and miss the other, we are fragmented externally. What is needed is oneness, within (one self) as well as without( experiencing space-time as one) One self, step in step with the flow of space-time continuum.

This friend further observes in the same writing exercise – ‘ I think my own body is the easiest to sense in this way, where as what lies outside of this realm is harder to grasp and to ‘sense’’

I agree.

Body cannot walk back or forward into time. It remains in the space-time continuum (besides, body doesn’t think or feel. It senses.

So, the best course is to become your body, i.e., merge your attention with your body and live in the space unaware of the time.

Can anyone?

Just for the beauty of the experience of the charge of this euphoric energies. I guarantee, one will experience beginning of this euphoria in one minute.

Will any one?

I am sad: July 17th, 2004.
07/17/2004 04:13 p.m.

I am sad: July 17^th, 2004.

I am sad. The sadness is pushing me in, providing me an opportunity to sit with my self and think. And not think. I want this sadness to become me. I want this sadness to permeate my world within. I want this sadness to embrace me for my life.

The cause of this sadness is the casual approach of a person, so special to me, to an issue, which is serious in my view and not like deciding what one shall have in a break fast. But then its matter of point of view and this person has all the right to approach any issue in whatever manner this person likes. This point of view of mine towards the point of view turns this sadness into a generalized sadness, into a beautiful sadness, which is fearless.

And now this fearless sadness is enticing me to be in it. I can feel the beauty of this sadness. I think I should feel grateful to this person, so special to me, for becoming cause of this sadness. This sadness is so alluring that I want all my friends, and there are not many, all my well wishers to give me nothing but sadness as and when its possible for them to. I do feel grateful to this person.

I wish I could perpetuate this sadness.

I am at the mercy of Server Gods these days 31st March 2004
04/02/2004 03:04 p.m.

I am at the mercy of Server Gods (SG’S) these days.

It rained yesterday night.  As a result the Telephone Gods behavior too seems to have gone eccentric.  What do I do in such a situation?

I have this little world of mine inside my computer where I can visit only when all these Gods, including the Computer Gods, supported by the weather Gods and I don’t know how many more, acts as a reconciling factors. I, the active factor, cannot visit with my little world, the passive factor, in the absence of or without the support of these Gods, the reconciling factor, which as a matter of fact, they are supposed to be. 

But these Gods (particularly the SGs) are behaving erratic since quite many days, not allowing me to climb smoothly onto the net, throwing me out, time and again. 

I cannot change their attitude.  Nor can I force my way into my little world, since, as the law dictates, they are the reconciling force.  The active & the passive forces can only meet in the reconciling force with the aid of reconciling factors.  Well, then what do I do in such a situation?

The only way to fight them, I think, is to not to feel helpless because the moment you feel helpless you are succumbing to what they want.  You are reacting to their behavior pattern.  The only way to fight them, like an impeccable warrior is to keep on trying without feeling helpless, and by not allowing frustration to take roots inside you.  The only way to defy them in such a situation is to laugh & laugh & laugh. And laugh loudly and let them know that you are laughing in defiance.  Let them know that you are not disappointed or frustrated despite the disappointment and frustration.

P.S.: S.G.s seems to have learnt that I have written of their misdeeds in my journal because I find a distinct positive change in their behavior pattern ever since I wrote this J.E. Ha! ha! ha!

P.S.:  By the way, these S.G.s are infectious.  Two of my friends from my little world have reported server problems since last few days.  Be careful while you talk to me.  Ha! Ha!.

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