Realization of a presence in its absence: March 14th, 2005.
03/15/2005 09:02 p.m.
One realizes the presence of a presence more when it’s absent than when it was present.
One realizes the smoothness and the comfort of one’s own bed when lying in some other bed far from one’s own bed. One feels the beauty of being at home, the pleasure of returning back to one’s sweet home when it is still afar and never when one is occupying and comfortably placed inside it. One fails to realize the euphoria of oneness when one.
I am in such a state these days.

There is a space behind me that was filled with a presence just a couple of day before, in time. There is a time behind me that was filled with a presence just a couple of day before, in space. And at this very moment I am realizing the beauty of that space in time, the beauty of those moments in this very space behind me, now so empty.
This emptiness is inside me and I am inside it.
This realization is beautiful despite all the longings.


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My ailing throat is almost cured..: March 14th 2005
03/15/2005 08:55 p.m.
My ailing throat is almost cured - 90%, and so with it, my coughing. I have never experienced such an extended span of throat infection lasting almost one and half months. That too, at a time it should not have been, since I was in no mood of entertaining it.
Well, the supposition is mine, a mental suggestion, whereas the continuation of the infection manifesting in coughing is a manifestation of the physical laws and proof of our bodies being subject to these laws.
My wife claims that the cause of the cure was the homeopathic medicine her homeopathic doctor prescribed her owing to her infected throat (ten times more severe - if one can measure the severity by the recurrence of coughing) though she claimed I infected her with my coughing.
I did my best to believe that these homeopathic pills (tiny sugar balls dipped in some chemicals to be taken ten in one dose) are having a positive impact while I took them so irregularly (I was suppose to take them once every three hours, drinking, smoking and eating forbidden for at least thirty minutes before or after I took them and I was hardly averaging one dose a day.) But every time I took them I used to add a ‘placebo suggestion’ and believed that it was really curing me.
I have had throat infections in the past but they have never lasted for more than a week. I wonder what made it last almost one and half months, despite knowing the apparent causes and to certain extent the cause of the cure? I think we sometimes wonder just in order to mystify a simple manifestation.
In the last one and half months I have traveled a lot and at a time when the sun was getting hotter and hotter as the so called central Indian winter (almost like European summer) receded and the summer rushed in without allowing the spring to bloom. When I left my house (in Raipur - central India) on the first of February the day temperature was almost 33C. When I arrived at Jaipur (capital city of Rajasthan in northern India) traveling in an AC compartment of a train, the night temperature was almost 5C. Then suddenly in a day’s time it rose to 33C during the day. It’s at this time that some virus found its way inside my body and found it easy to infect me and use my body cells which were conducive for breeding and multiplying. Well, my red blood cells found it difficult to face this onslaught owing to the constant change in temperature it was supposed to counter while I was traveling every few days. (The sudden change in the temperature reduces body resistance drastically). On my part, I helped these UFO’s in my body cells indirectly but blatantly by continuing to eat fried food, smoking more than my normal quota and drinking (chilled beer in the later half).
Now I wonder as to what was there to wonder, neither as regards to the cause nor as regards to the cause of the cure. The blood red cells ultimately fought and won this extended battle. I did take antibiotics at irregular intervals, irregularly. Antibiotics don’t help when you have a virus inside your blood cells. They may have helped in barricading bacteria’s from launching a war against my ailing body.
In any case, I am almost cured despite the continuation of smoking and a lesser amount of drinking.
There is nothing here to wonder. Next time I hope I will be more disciplined and careful but less wondrous.


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Five minutes of silence-day four. Jan 13th 2005.
01/13/2005 02:07 p.m.


I woke up, as in my previous endeavor, from my afternoon siesta at around four, wondering if I ever succeeded in any moment of silence or I actually dozed off. I felt an anger emerging from with in and surging outwards. I started thinking in terms of challenging every living so called self conscious bipeds on this earth to prove that they had a choice or this misnomer, the so called will, by stopping their internal blah blah for sixty seconds at a stretch. Knowing the idiocy, futility and meaninglessness of this challenge and realizing that I was angry, I was angry that I was angry. With this the direction of my anger turned inwards and gradually subsided. The end result was that I resolved to work hard.
The only positive aspect of the whole experience of this nonexperience is that, that I found this act of my shaving is establishing an association with my resolve of five sessions of silence of five minutes a day.


I am currently Brooding

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Attention is the key- Third day of my five minutes of silence.
01/13/2005 12:25 a.m.


The session commenced almost in the BRAMHA-MUHURAT (the auspicious time, when it’s easy to establish link with the WHAT IS.), a time when each of us is in the deepest of sleep, though It used to be my routine time to get up, once upon a time and I do believe that its easy to establish link between all our centers, namely, intellectual, mechanical, emotional and intuitive early in the morning. All creative artists and writer must wake up at 3AM, their normal time for retiring to bed. (Hahahah)
Yes, its 3.30AM now and I had woken up to wake up my nephew to go to station to receive and bring home my sister. Well, I decided to use this opportunity and commence my session.
Despite the BRAHMA MUHURAT my mind continued drifting from one thought to the other. From one thought associations to the other. And its here I realized once again, a realization I must have realized so many times.
We are not capable of DOING unless we succeed in UNDOING. As a matter of fact UNDOING is what is DOING in real sense. I cannot harness my ATTENTION unless I UNDO the happenings in the form of all those external and internal associations which tends to carry my attention away.
Oh! I am back to square one. I must remain alert and actively watchful to not let this happen. I must negate the what is negating ME.
I remember having written a poem almost on this central idea long ago which I need to read as a reminder.


ATTENTION is the KEY




ATTENTION is the KEY
And the doors of perception
Have no locks.

I spent a lifetime
Seeking a suitable key
Prying into every hole
In my endeavor to unlock the door.

There I found a split
While walking
UNWALKED into the space of time in NOTIME
The split was the DOOR
The keyhole.

I entered the DOOR
The other day
My attention INTACT

The NAGUAL spoke to me
Within
In silence.



By NAGUAL I mean, here, the guide within.


I am currently Brooding

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Five sessions of five minutes of silence-day two; 12th, Jan, 200
01/12/2005 01:27 p.m.



Five sessions of five minutes of silence on day two commenced at around the same time as yesterday. The remained the same, my dressing room, while shaving and ended at around the same time, same venue, my bed, after an hours nap.
Quality wise, the experience was different. Realization wise too, though it wasn’t a new realization.
Physically, we cannot walk into time- I applied this logic and decided to practice in notime i.e., with in the periphery of the body. A question walked in the periphery of my concentration. How? How do ‘I’ keep confined to the body?
WHAT IS is always pregnant with what should be, I believe in this statement. All problems too are pregnant with the answers and all answers are with yet another question and so on. The only thing we ought to do is become one with this WHAT IS. And I did. The answer approached me in the form of a realization, I must have realized umpteen times.
ATTENTION IS THE KEY.
Become your attention.

Yes, I decided to concentrate on my attention. I decided to concentrate on concentrating my attention. I decided to control my attention. And once this is ‘attained’, I thought, then I can go on with other practices in the course of my goal of attaining ONENESS.
By the time I realized this age old realization, it was almost three. I lay down in my bed, initially concentrating on my breathing and later on the bright dark spot which formed before my closed eyes. I just held it. I held my attention.
After some time, faces started appearing though I knew I was awake. These faces were unintentional in the beginning. Later, I started intending faces and saw them as I intended them, clear and distinct but for the only face which I wanted to see so much and which did not appear. HA! HA! HA!
Next time, I consoled my self and dozed off.




I am currently Brooding

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Five sessions of five minutes of silence:Jan,11th,2005
01/11/2005 03:28 p.m.
Five sessions of five minutes of silence was my resolution. Silence internally was more important than the silence without.
The first session began at 11.37, when I went for my shave and hair cut (and don’t laugh, I do cut my own hairs) to my dressing room, followed by a shower, secured from the out side world, locked inside my dressing room and bathroom. This five minutes session ended at 4PM after a short nap. Ha! Ha!
The only realization worth mentioning is that it’s easy to BE and to not to resist those associations which carries you away. It’s easy to SEE than consuming what ever little energies our intending self has on this battle for the control and lose the battle and be lost in the nonexistent time.
Initially I tried to struggle and failed. Later when I decided to not to struggle but just concentrate in BEING and SEEING, alert and sensing my body all the time, I did succeed since as I always experience, I did experience those energy fields undulating to and fro my skull giving me a feeling of peace and beauty.
Later I drifted into an intended dream, partly, visiting a dear friend in America and woke up at 4PM.
I don’t know which of these 163 minutes I will recognize as five minutes of silence. Besides as I know time expands in these moment and we tend to experience one minute as an hour. Nor do I know if I would find time for keeping up with my resolve of five sessions of five minutes in the allotted 1440 minutes i.e., 24 hours.






I am currently Calm

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I was feeling weak and worried.
12/11/2004 02:30 a.m.
Dec.11th.2004: I was feeling weak and worried.

I was feeling weak and worried through out last fortnight up till last evening when my weakness attained new low ebb and I decided to succumb to it.
I was worried for I was feeling weak. The feeling of weakness was basically the effect of this worry. There wasn’t any specific or additional cause for feeling weak. It was just the quality of my BEING which I felt was constantly deteriorating in the absence of any application on my part. Yes, I needed to apply my self and here I was failing living almost like all the other AUTOMATAS. How does one apply oneself in a sleep walking state?
Well, can you believe that my decision to succumb was intentional, probably a strategically retreat (Who’s strategy? Haha This is yet to be seen. I hope I am not justifying and playing in the hands of my weak self). After having given up smoking one more time in the last week of august, I was feeling like smoking since last three days and yesterday evening, when I was at the lowest height of my weakness (ha-ha) I bought one pack of cigarette home, notified a friend and waited for her to appear and concede, which the friend did, reluctantly and with certain stipulations (in order to not to look weak) in view of her weakness of me. Ha-ha. I agreed to her stipulations smoked and felt weak and worried.
After having smoked and watching me watching me smoke I felt bad but resolved and strong. Face to face I was and I asked my self- ‘what more, you wanted it and you had it, now what?’ I had no answer other than feeling bad. I took this opportunity and gave myself another punch, directly on my mouth. ‘You are left with no more excuses ashok sharda, now smoke but LIVE like you have never lived before. I am giving you no excuses for not LIVING.
Yes, now I am feeling a bit less weak and less worried. In other words a bit strong and resolved.

I am currently Reflective

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A message to a friend: EXERCISE NO.15: 2nd dec.2004.
12/02/2004 12:41 a.m.
A message to a friend: EXERCISE NO.15: 2nd dec.2004.


Dear, you know what happiness is. It’s a charge of refined energies from within. And if we learn to have some control then we can feel and live in this euphoria, termed as PARMANAND in Sanskrit, the BLISS.
As such, we experience this happiness temporarily, as charge of energies from the without, which subsides with the change in the impressions (which, as you know, affects us, depending on our associations with the impression. e.g., my appearance before you will generate different quality of impressions than before some one else.)
So…let’s trick the nature with this happiness. How do you do this?
We use the LAW OF REPITITION, THE LAW OF POSITIVE SUGGESTION and THE LAW OF ASSOCIATION.
By the way, I am numbering this exercise as exercise number 15 for future reminders. your favorite number ( one plus five makes it six. Do you know my favorite number? Its nine- well, to be frank I thought of it now. Opposite of six. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!)

A. Assume that HAPPINESS is a charge from within. FEEL happy and peaceful and REPEAT every now and then, ASSOCIATE these SUGGESTIONS with every thing external and with each and every thought of yours, internally, that happiness is a charge from within and YOU are happy and peaceful. Look at the color, the shape, that idiotic person, into the eyes of the little one, your three sons, and the sound (which, on some other occasion might have caused internal disturbance but now you will derive happiness and peacefulness from the same, become one with these very words you are now reading and feel happy and peaceful. This happiness will change your inner chemistry and will clean and relax all your big and tiny muscles allowing a free flow of the autosuggestions.
B. With this change in the inner chemistry and preparing your muscles for this smooth flow of the suggestions, auto suggest your believing in your self and a DREAMLESS SLEEP in the course of the day and when you go to bed. Know that any kind of a tension. Physical or mental, is a barrier in the smooth flow of the suggestions/peacefulness/happiness.

I hope you understand the basics of this exercise and start practicing it from this very moment. You shall also continue all other exercises I have recommended thus far.
All the best.
Love.

I am currently Affectionate

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Dec.1st, 2004: I went to a party.
12/01/2004 02:47 p.m.
Dec.1st, 2004: I went to a party.


I went to a party.
Drink, dinner and music.
Marriage anniversary of a close acquaintance, family friends as we call them.
Arrangements: copy book.
Music: copy book- mostly from old Indian cinema.
Smiles: copy book. Failing to manifest chemically, with in.
Dialoging: Copy book. What A talked is what B talked. What B talked is what every one talked. And what every one talked is what every one talked.
Food: copy book
Drink: ‘effective’
Participants: Copy Cats.

But for the one, who was unfit, though capable of role playing of all kinds in any situation, left before meals were served. The hosts were kind enough to have him his meals before the tables were laid.
Despite all the training and conditioning, despite consumption of two large drinks he failed to keep his unfit selves locked inside the umpteen green rooms.
Oh! These self of mine do have associations with this crowd situation with which my role playing selves fits so well and are thickly associated.
End result: A conflict between this self who is fit in such a CROWD situation and the self who is unfit.

Externally every thing looked so normal. After all what’s common is NORMAL.


I am currently Sad

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A to A -2:sep.30th, 2004
09/30/2004 03:27 a.m.
A to A -2:sep.30th, 2004


Lying in my bed, I am thinking.
What next???

What a great trickster I am!

There are ACTIONS, predetermined
And I was to determine the undetermined
In the course of the execution.

And here I am, lying in my bed, thinking.

When thinking is the only factor determined, to un-determine.

Lying in my bed, I am thinking.

What next???

Finally I got up.

The good part is that I am not angry.

I am laughing. I tricked the trickster with my logic.

Ha! Ha! Ha!




I am currently Cheerful

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