I Am Trying by Giving Up Trying
03/22/2006 08:40 p.m.

March 22nd, 2006

I woke up at 1:30 a.m. feeling completely rested, though I had gone to bed at 12 a.m. Is there anything wrong with me or the watch? We both are right, I suppose, on our own scales.

I may be a bit jet lagged since I am doing my best to slow down the passage of time. I am almost in a transitional state, trying to cross the ever eluding bridge. But a conditioned mind can’t be helped even when it knows it is conditioned.

”I need sleep” I auto suggested, and dozed off and on finally waking up at 5:30 a.m. Yes, I did wake up at 5:30 on our scale of time.

I am yet to wake up on the scale of awareness at large. I am trying by giving up trying. I am trying to UNDO to DO.


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We Know Our Destination
03/22/2006 08:29 p.m.
March, 19th 2006


Neither of us was prepared to walk out of the magnetic field we were bound by, created by our own beings, a world within a world. I saw her forcing her self out of it and I, shutting off the emotional energy accumulator on my part, applying intentional logic, helped her force her self out, reluctantly.

Reluctantly, we had to walk back to our day to day world, so unreal.

Occupying our respective seats in the plane, flying back home from our spiritually intended home, to a home of not of our choice but created by umpteen consequential lines of cause and effect, I saw the irony of the scene amidst our distancing planes, one moving westwards and the other east, from our point of views. Suddenly I felt so lonely in that crowded plane, so alienated from my surrounding.

Alienated, I looked at the co passengers busy in their own ways in their own worlds, ever waiting for the next moment hoping to arrive at some kind of a logical conclusion, illogically, of their very existence, unaware of being lead to their ultimate death, incidentally. They were not going anywhere nor shall they ever arrive anywhere.

But we know our destination. We know we have to walk, unwalked. We have to arrive. And no distancing was able to stop us as stopping is our destination. Stop the consequential chain of happenings.

I knew this is what she must be thinking flying in the opposite direction, externally. Internally we were flying in the same direction. The external unbinding was bounding us within, once and forever.

No time loss tantamount to a loss if one can evaluate and realize the loss. I realized death all around me and in this realization I saw the glimpses of life. Our time loss shall recompense, I felt so confident, suddenly. She too did, I knew.

We are holding on to this realization till we STOP.





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I Wish There Was a TIME BANK: November 2nd, 2005
11/07/2005 09:04 p.m.

Words emerged, while I was taking my showers. I knew I had to jot them down first thing out of the bath. These words were, I thought, beginning of a long thought process. Seven hours later, eventually, when I unwalked out of my sleep walk, I am here with this writing pad and a pen in my hand unable to recollect the words that emerged in the course of my bath.

I wish there was a TIME BANK I could have deposited these seven hours spent attending visitors, part of a chain of happenings, I WAS NOT.



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I Succeeded in Slowing Down the Time: November 2nd, 2005
11/01/2005 10:43 p.m.

Eventually, I succeeded in slowing down the time, one more time, for quite some time, after a long gap of time. I watched every moment, every word passing through the space of this moment, in slow motion, which appeared before me, in the physical sense, as if on a screen. My eyes were closed as I was reclining in my bed. Thoughts emerged in the dark blankness where my skull should have been. Sound appeared as vision, word by word, letter by letter, every letter so distinctly audible, so clearly visible. Yes, this was sensing in wordlessness, in the space of time. There were words in the wordlessness. There were sounds in soundlessness. There were thoughts in thoughtlessness.




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I Watched in Helplessness: November 2nd, 2005
11/01/2005 10:42 p.m.

I watched five elephants being ambushed, killed and eaten by almost two dozen lions in as many days, on the television screen. I normally keep my mind shut while watching TV, which I do seldom but for occasional news and stock market, on regular basis. But watching this kid elephant being killed caused so much pressure on my emotional energy accumulators that it flung opened when the hungry lions separated him from the group, attacked ferociously from all sides and eventually started eating him as he was still fighting a lost battle for his life.

The elephant kid was helpless and so were lions. I cursed the nature for creating a world where every one feeds on every one. But then I was imposing my so called concepts on nature based on my own sensibilities. Lions were responding to Nature and so was the elephant kid, both helpless and so looked Nature to me. I watched it helplessly, up to the end.



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I Am Peaceful: September 12th, 2005
09/12/2005 07:07 p.m.

I am peaceful. The scene before me is quite, almost still, though I see objects moving like in a movie but confined to a frame. I assume I am happy and this assumption provides an emotional touch to the scene I am part of, playing a triple role of an observed, an observing 'I' and an 'I' observing an observing 'I'. I am on the move, though I assume I am not going anywhere contrary to my inherent death instinct which keeps on chasing me, compelling me to move.

I have no place to go. I find the life here. If I start believing in this statement of mine, this sounds true to me. You can fight your death only in this arena, the arena of life. Be watchful, Ashok, be watchful my love, let not death appear in the disguise of a thought and drag you out of this scene, unaware. Just BE and SEE, SEEING SEEING.

I am beautiful in this moment. This assumption releases some tension within and I feel softness engulfing me and fear vanishing. What is there to fear? What is there to lose? There is nothing to lose and so there is nothing to fear. Death just cannot take away this moment from me. I will live, aware. I am peaceful. I am not going any where.



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"and undoing all the way" - June 20th, 2005
08/05/2005 09:45 p.m.


”…and undoing all the way”, a well wisher added after wishing, 'A good day.” I decided then and there to record my doings of undoing, as and when it was conducive in the course of the day. I wasn't expecting this self of mine to show up at this point of time, wanting to smoke while driving to my office, feeling bored by few little works that I did at home sticking to A to A. I snubbed him, simply and out and out, by resolving to never smoke while driving to or back from my house. I undid yet another self, literally on the way, the self who was reluctant to stop the car and park on the sides to let me record my undoing on the way. Yes, undoing all the way, friend.

I remembered out of the blue that I forgot to take my blood pressure pill and reminded myself to remember to take it in the office as soon as I arrived. With this reminder appeared a (re)realization that you can only remember when reminded by an association or in the absence of all the associations. It's simple. Associations remind us because of the associated-ness that is internalized, blocking all other reminders which remain unassociated at that point of time. Lack of association will leave the path clear and visible for all the reminders that we internalize. What a realization. This clearly means
that we must undo all those associations which have no meaning in our lives. This will clearly leave space for all the suggestions that we want to internalize.

I am feeling a bit disturbed by a thought. How am I to cope up with all the office work and writing work that I have resolved to do today, where as I am still on my way, driving, late by 90 minutes. I succeed in undoing this self by logical talking, reiterating my concept of treating all the situations as situations and never projecting them in the time. I shall keep on doing my work and writing, I suggest, as they appear, moving from A to A. I am feeling good. This time I have no hesitation in parking my car on the sides and writing what I am writing. I stop my car again. This time the cause (rather an effect, which caused this cause) is a dog, dead and smashed to pulp by I don't know how many moving trucks and cars. I know this is a dog because I had seen his dead body hit by a truck two days ago at the same spot. But the realization that I gather is different. I am seeing the fate of the crowd in the pulp of the dog, roaming aimlessly on this street we
call life subject to all kinds of accidents, dying like this dog who shall remain unacknowledged and unrecognized for all the time.

Many thoughts appear and disappear on their own. Many disappear because of my presence. Many, I had to battle out, but there appeared a day dream in between these thoughts that I had to work really hard to disperse. I found my self in a scene where I was trying to hide my messages under the valleys and hills in a place where only yesterday I decided to not to send messages openly. This day dreamer pleaded incessantly to allow him to compose some cryptic messages. But I am ruthless today, undoing all the way. I succeed in sending him to his green room by producing before him my realization and my capacity to deal with a situation when the situation arises rather than projecting the likely situation and feeling anxious and wasting time and life.

In the office I neutralized a self who was reluctant to talk to a person who was necessary to talk to considering the situation. I applied logic and the end result was that not only did I speak to this person on phone, but I also invited him for a detailed talk from his place 300 miles away. Over and above, I spoke to another person I have been avoiding to talk to and made him see the reason and made him agree to my contention, almost half. After lunch, I found myself walking in the hallway of my nephews office waiting for him to provide me some data's from a site. Suddenly, I realized that I was stuck up in waiting. What was the sense in waiting? The server was slow and I knew this information will take some time to arrive. Why not go and do some unfinished work or write? Why should I postpone my life in waiting for nothing? Now I am here writing, facing and living my life rather than postponing it. Well, I will have to close this account of my doing undoing, which thanks to my friend, literally turned into---undoing all the way. You are beautiful and I am happy.


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DOING UNDOING: June 18th,2005
07/07/2005 12:48 a.m.

Charged by a thought, I categorized as the thought of the day (it isn't new, but wasn't present either, all these days), I decided to devote one full hour on focusing and jotting down my DOING of UNDOING (even if this one hour is spread over many). My very first observation in this endeavor of mine is that I am DOING rather more than I would be doing if I was emphasizing on doing. What a beautiful paradox. You do more when you try to undo, and understandably so. The focus is changed, instead of concentrating on doing, you battle with the barriers, removing them, leaving a smooth passage for your doing. Interestingly, the tendency on my part is to do rather than to do what I think I ought to undo, and I am doing in the process of undoing, more than ever. I am undoing my lethargy, my boredom, my blankness, and my inclination to get stuck up in a thought or a person, a place, an object or my lethargy, my boredom or my blankness, or getting 'stuck-up' in the stuck up, resulting into doing. It’s here where undoing actually becomes DOING. Lethargy undoes inviting happenings and so does boredom, filling blankness. I am un-inclined in my inclination to get stuck up. I am doing what I must do by undoing these barriers, and in the process my past is UNDONE.

What a realization! By gelding the causes hidden in the past we do UNDO the past from causing effect in the present, turning into yet another cause with the turn of present into past for yet another effect in the time to come. My hand moves towards the telephone, an old habit winding and unwinding the wire is back on its own, and here I am, back on the path of doing undoing.

I am back on the path of doing undoing, resolved to undo every happening on the way, come what may. Come what may, I will keep flowing like an undeterred river. I want to smoke, but I shall not. I will undo this self. Oh! I am getting 'stuck up!' I shake my head in disbelief. 'Get lost,' I utter, and shake him off. We all have a tendency to get stuck up in the space-time-situation we are in. The time keeps on moving and we are left behind. I am cleaning my cigarette holder which I have been avoiding doing since the last five months despite wanting to do it, and this virtually happened on its own.

The process of undoing brings in a doing. Can I undo all the happenings? Can I turn all the doings into happenings? Can I construct a beautiful personality and turn it into my essence? Can I turn my subconscious into conscious, ever conscious of what I can do?

My first victim, it seems, is my inherent Lethargy. Next in order is this perennial feeling of boredom filling in this blankness. Now I am inclined to take up 'getting stuck up' when it strikes to get me. I also realize what an active and alert mind can do in this process of undoing. For example, I am postponing things that can be postponed, like avoiding reading a short message that isn't necessary at this point of time when my attention is needed on the job at hand. We postpone things out of habit that we shouldn't postpone, and refuse to postpone a 'happening' again out of habit. What a paradox! I don't want do any thing that can wait at the cost of this concentrated effort. Yes, this is A to A, and A to A is half attained if this is not part of doing to undoing. Mentally, my movement seems better, smooth and lubricated. What next? In doing undoing I am marching from A to A. “What next?” is a perennial question that I face. Instead of avoiding, I am looking forward to some ACT. I am on the march. I am RULASH.

I cleaned two holders and smoked half a bit after undoing this urge for almost thirty minutes. I feel good. It's a good beginning, but all the beginnings starting from a 'do' rise through 'fa' and 'mi' but eventually drop into a half note between 'mi' and 'fa,' and after taking a full circle we are back to the beginning, resolving to start afresh from a new 'do'. But I am, this time, resolved not let this 'do' retard. Thanks to Choon brothers who discovered this law of rise and fall, making it easy for the seekers to know how Nature plays incomprehensible games with them, that they can't play. Many know this law as the law of heptaparaparshinokh/change/seven/octave/ deviation. I, jokingly, like to call it the law of boredom. Ha! Ha! Ha! Because this law turns all the charge of a resolve, eventually, into boredom and boredom turns a friend into a foe).

There are many pending works I have been ignoring and avoiding out of sheer boredom, that I now doing. Interestingly, I just completed a work in ten minutes that I believed would take hours. I am feeling a bit tired. The answer comes to me on its own. “I need to recoup my energy accumulators” is the answer hidden in the “what is” of my feeling tired. I need to rest or wait for some positive impressions to recoup lost energies instead of wasting further energies on a
mechanical kind of blah! blah! as we normally do when we feel tired and bored. “I will rest and practice inner silence for five minutes,” I decide as a way against this urge to smoke and waste time, leaving our attentions unattended. But this was not to be, since I remembered a long overdue work that I thought would cost me three minutes. Then another work that took me two, then another that took another two minutes. This is A to A, ACTON TO ACTION, with minor adjustments resulting in more work in less time, saving precious time, life, and energies, that make us feel more organized. I do another work, two minutes, then yet another - three minutes. Yet another - nine minutes, then yet another – five minutes.

In the process I forgot to smoke and I am not feeling tired any more. The smoking self, I suppose, was generating tiredness, but I decide to practice five minutes of intended inner silence while I eat with my nephew. But I forgot to remember again and I realized this after I had finished my lunch lasting two minutes. We did talking, though not unrelated to our work or useless. I am realizing that I am feeling like deriving satisfaction from this little achievement of the day. I must STOP. This is going to push me back. I will not allow any barrier to barricade my way. I must push along all along the way. No looking back. No feeling of satisfaction that is bound to transform into a barrier. I am resolving to be ever on the march. No destination. I AM the march on this evolutionary path.

The attainment of every mile represents satisfaction, vanity, and pride. They are barriers blocking your way. I shall not look back as to how I have come so far, and I shall not look forward as to how many miles more there are to go. I have no destination, nor do I have any milestone. I shall be on the march. I shall be undoing all the barriers. I will transform into an unstoppable MARCH.

Will you Sir? – June 13th, 2005
06/30/2005 02:24 a.m.

I lost my temper this morning, badly and justifiably. A friend of mine brought to my notice a piece of someone's writing whose past image with me isn't so good. While I was glancing through this piece, I realized he was battling between the two worlds, trying to stick to the 'way'. I found him somewhat genuinely honest in his struggle. This transformed his image with me to a certain extent and I was happy with this likely positive change in him and in his image within. I decided, then and there, to leave him a line, a positive message. I also decided to ask for his email address so that I can send him some material on the 'way'. As I was about to comment, I happened to read yet another comment by someone, questioning and laughing, making fun of the man. It’s here I felt my blood boiling with indignation. His filthy image (and I do have that kind of an image of him) came alive laughing disgustingly. I drew my friend's attention to this comment, commenting myself on the insensibility of the person. My friend’s response (who, I believe, could not see his egoistic filthy face through those question marks and indignant laughter,) defending the commenter to certain extent, enraged me more. It’s here that my friend brought to my notice a piece of writing of this egotist, full of filth. I know my friend brought this to my attention in support of the fact, saying, “yes, he is a filthy egotist, read this,” but before I could apply logic, my disgust turned into anger, and I was boiling with rage and my anger had no bounds. In this negatively charged emotional state I shocked my friend with my irrational, idiotic and rude behavior. I knew I must stop. I knew that thinking is the job of the intellectual center and I was making the mistake of thinking with this uncontrollable drive, so negatively charged.

Now I must UN-justify the justification, and I want to say at the out set that negatively charged emotional outbursts and rude behavior are absolutely unjustifiable and I have justified reasons to claim this: A. My emotional outbursts, my disgust, and my anger was a reaction and not an action on my part. How can I justify a reaction when 'I' was NOT? B. Besides, any justification of any act (?) tantamounts to justifying our weaknesses (weak selves justifying themselves) which is like announcing that we don't want to amend, we don't want to change (how can they? Why will they?). In the wake of this, it goes without saying that so far I justify a weakness, I am not prepared to change. C. This world is so full of filth and psychopaths, what do you do? You help them if you can or you leave them alone. They are incapable of any change. Why should I feel angry if I am helpless? D. Anger is a form of violence that pushes you far off from your own goal, hence, detrimental to your own growth. Shall I justify my own death? E. Shattering of hope also causes anger, and I don't expect these filths to turn into beauty. Then why hope, and when the hope shatters feel the pinch of anger?

As such, I have no justification to offer, just this anger-distorted ugly face. Yes, I will suffer and do my best to clean this dirt from my face. Despite all the sadness this episode has generated, I see a positive aspect to it, a blessing in disguise. I believe that this incident will keep me reminded of the dirt that still finds place in my room. This reminder will inspire me, and force me to clean my room. No doubt that my room is a bit nicely painted on the outside and I do believe that I have done some cleaning within. Still, there's enough dirt to cause this irk, and this needs cleaning, and this I shall do. I am aware that any amount of hard work on personality alone will not help. I must penetrate my essence and clean it, mold it in the shape I want to BE., and I think my duty bound friend has a very important role to play here. Will you Sir? Will you please dump all the dirt that you come across in my premises and rub my skin with it so that I can work hard and try to remain unsoiled, untainted? I will suffer for them, feel sad, pity them, or neutralize them, but I will never enrage in rage. I will laugh out the filth. Please, and if you find me angry or disgusted or irked, just bear with me as I know I will come out of it, feel the pinch, and work harder and harder. But Sir, we shall do this just for a limited period of time, until I have neutralized the filth. Thereafter I think we should save our time for better use. I wish I can live like a Lotus flower that dwells untouched amidst dirt and filth, spreading joy and beauty.


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I Am An Utter Failure Today: June 9th, 2005
06/30/2005 01:39 a.m.

I was here a moment ago and thereafter I was not. Yes, I witnessed my return from nowhere. In space I moved, from space A to space B, from nowhere to nowhere. I did not sense my legs stepping ahead, I did not see my hands moving, I failed to hold my attention glued to its seat, as my attention escaped into a dead time. I moved in space and time fractured. I know that once the time is separated from the space we are fractured. If time is life, the very presence of being in this space-time-continuum is AMNESS. In other words, the very presence of being in this space-time-continuum is AWARENESS. I walk from space A to space B, twenty steps ahead. This distance should take 20 seconds for me to cover, 20 seconds is one third of a minute. How about dividing a second into a millisecond and experiencing every millisecond continuously merged with the space of twenty steps. A millisecond and my right foot is on the move in space and in togetherness, and so are my hands doing the balancing act, moving synchronized with the movement of the legs in this non fractured space-time continuum. What about m attention? Yes, it is glued with what is and what IS is the space-time continuum that consists of what IS, within and without. This is AMNESS of being. This is AWARENESS. You miss nothing. You deny all the associations that distract you not just by ignoring them, but by bringing them into this togetherness and deciding how you must deal with them by not letting them make you walk mechanically in the dead time, by not letting the distraction generate fear registered in the dead time, by not feeling excited owing to the associated ness, but by role-playing that is deciding on the merit and the purpose of the distraction. In this state of AMNESS (which I am not in now,) externally, the experience of time remains the same i.e., others see you experiencing yourself on the scale in which they experience time. Internally, the experience of time slows down and you do feel like you are moving in slow motion, missing nothing, negating all negations, seeing and experiencing everything, within as well as without. The quality of impressions refines manifold as you gather and consume energies drawing from your energy source twice the intake in the normal course. Well, you are seeing (one impression) and you are seeing seeing (another impression). On the other hand you also desist from this wastage of energies by not indulging in meaningless internal dialoging jumping from one association to the other. You sense your attention like an organ. You move your attention like your hand. You can SEE a leaf, smiling, on that distant tree, magnified. You can touch it. I can. I have, but not now. I am an utter failure today. Though I am on the march on this evolutionary path, pathless.




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