RELIVING the past: an exercise to feel light
04/30/2006 03:22 p.m.

April 13th, 2006

All kinds of mechanical thinking of an emotional nature, incessant dreaming, nightmares causing restlessness during sleep, and sudden attacks of fear without any visible cause are normally owed to shattered hopes, repressed hatred, and unpleasant memories. There are so many of these unpleasant memories in our system that they tend to appear every now and then owing to their association with the objects, persons, and places in our external, generating emotional energies with a negative charge, making us either indulge in emotionalism or repression. In either case, we succeed in repressing them, not living those moments intellectually and analyzing them. This repression or not SEEING them by RELIVING those moments makes them appear in the form of dreams, nightmares, and fear. This makes our lives, our Beings too heavy, too burdensome. These repressed memories create a tension within, causing this heaviness. Many times our bodies express these unpleasant memories psychosomatically.

In order to feel light, sleep soundly, deeply, and to improve the quality of our mind and Being, one must neutralize these emotions by RELIVING those moments of hatred, fear, suppressed desires, and shattered hopes intellectually and intentionally, in every detail, analyzing every aspect of those events stored as unpleasant memories.

How does one approach this exercise and start RELIVING these memories filled with so much of negativity? One can start from anywhere but one should do so, in an orderly manner. Following, I am suggesting a way:

1. Draw a list from your past of all such events that can and do cause fear, hatred, and negative feelings.

2. Draw a list of all the persons you have met in your life. Recollect and RELIVE every unpleasant moment you have spent with them.

3. Draw a list of all the places you have lived right from your childhood up until the present time and RELIVE every unpleasant event you can recollect, piece by piece.

Remember, you are not to ignore a single detail of a person or a place or an event. You must SEE yourself reliving in every detail. You must watch yourself experiencing this experience once again, but intellectually and intentionally . YOU are not supposed to indulge. You are to experience yourself indulging, separating your self from your self.

Besides, breathing slow and deep is advisable while you are engaged in this exercise.


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We Need to Decide to Decide
04/18/2006 10:09 p.m.

April 13th, 2006


I woke up at 5/5:15 a.m. as usual, and as it has been unintentionally happening, I suggested another five minutes of sleep.

But it was different today. I refused to fall prey to my own suggestion. I knew one of my lethargic selves was tricking me. I refused to indulge in this tricky suggestion of five more minutes. “I must get up at once,” I decided, and I did.

Why was today different than yesterday or the day before when I woke up at 5:00, but getting up at 6:30/6:45, eventually?

Yesterday evening, despite feeling tired, I decided to decide. I decided to write my journal and type along with the one I wrote three days ago. Driven by this weak but useful intentional drive of decision-making, I came back at almost 10 p.m. to my study after my bath and dinner and having spent some time with my family, and did what I had decided to. Over and above, I also sent an email to a friend, subsequently returning to my bed reading a little before I fell asleep.

Yes, the difference lies in the charge of the energies we derive from our own UNDOINGS in the process of DOING. We need to decide to decide, a decision every now and then.


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I Woke Up with Yet Another Thought
04/18/2006 09:59 p.m.

April 12th, 2006


I woke up with a thought, yet another. How can one single positive thought stand the onslaught of thousands of negative thoughts we indulge in mechanically?

How can a single intended decision turn into an action when there's so much negation from within?

How can a self, we identify as us, fight a battle against a whole battalion of unwanted selves?

The only way, I concluded, is to counter every negative thought, every feeling which leads to negative emotionalism, and every suggestion of weakness that is deep rooted, with intentional and positive thoughts and decisiveness so as to provide desired strength to the self we identify as us. We need to turn our INTENDED SELF into a whole army unto himself.

I decided to make and repeat a positive decision intentionally once every five minutes.



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Yet Another Advantage of Feeling the Sense of Urgency
04/18/2006 09:51 p.m.

April 9th, 2006


I have recommenced cycling as part of my morning routine apart from running and playing a little with Mowgli, since the last 8 days. I used to take 40 to 50 rounds of the circular driveway of my house in the past. I have decided to take 25 this time.

On day one, after having taken 5 rounds ( which isn't much considering that one round works out to just about 50 meters or so,) I felt as if I have taken 500 rounds and 25 looked never-ending. I was worried that I might give up cycling. But things suddenly changed since yesterday, and this happened owing to the implementation of the practice I call 'feeling the sense of urgency' (my journal dated: 6th April, 2006).

This feeling of sense of urgency is not just rushing through things in order to return to the top most priority, but it also ensures that one accomplishes the task in hand in a proper and intended manner. Besides, living from moment to moment in continuity and in silence from action to action, undoing all the barriers all along the way, is one of my top priorities which is infinitely in application, despite all my failures.

The counting of rounds while cycling turned into a barrier since it generated anxiety and boredom. This made me think, and I decided to undo this counting. I decided to become one with my cycling. My attention stopped drifting, neither ahead nor in retrospect, and this did the trick.

In the course of my cycling, though, there occurred two moments when I thought, and yes, the thought was that I have taken enough rounds, but to my surprise I found that I continued to cycle. My body refused to stop.

I don't know if I did 25 rounds or 35, but I know for sure that I did enough, and in the process I generated much needed energies. The quality of my concentration and the composition of my mind was better. Yes, this is another advantage of this trick I am tricking my self with these days - feeling the sense of urgency.



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A Sense of Urgency
04/18/2006 09:42 p.m.

April 6th, 2006

I have always had certain goals ever since I became 'aware'. These goals were formulated based on my refined dreams based on my new found concept of meaning. These goals remain unfulfilled since I failed to give priority to my priorities. My life in its manifestations on the scale of time went by, getting 'stuck' every here and there.

This morning I woke up dejected, as usual. My defense mechanism came up with a thought in the form of a trick, yet another, to trick my self. Outwardly, the trick looked simple and I hoped this would not attain the same fate as all my other tricks have so far. The trick is to infuse and reinforce 'a sense of urgency' at the start of the day and stick to my priorities at every start, whether it's my office or home, returning back to the top priority after every drift and indulgence, whether intentional or unintentional. I felt confident that this will set the ball rolling and from here I would move to other priorities and necessities for the upkeep of my external life with a sense of urgency, and then shall return to my top priority. How can one drift afar or indulge in any distraction when one is in a hurry to return somewhere?

With this trick in my mind I started my day and found that I finished my morning routine saving almost one hour. How did this happen? I evaluated the whole situation and concluded that this was simple. With this sense of urgency in the back of my mind I had hurried through everything refusing to indulge in anything, and refusing to take notice of the distractions. This sense of urgency was driving me from within to finish what I was doing and to return to my priority number one. I wasn't rushing through anything but then I wasn't indulging in anything. I was doing everything as part of my duty in the wake of my life situation. This drive was also working as a barrier, never allowing my attention to drift to sticky grounds.

By the way, when I was evaluating the savings and analyzing the causes, I realized that I could have saved some more time, at least another twenty, if not thirty minutes. I also realized that in the course moving along my routine with this sense of urgency I got angry twice. Once when I was barricaded by a person, and once by my own indulgence. I decided to be careful next time and not let my anger take an upper hand.

On the whole, I did get 'stuck' and drift, but I was 'aware' of my indulgence and drifts. This awareness propelled me to struggle and de-stuck. We waste so much life and energies in indulging and drifting from our priorities. This is my realization of the day. This trick will work miracles I am damn sure. Six hundred percent.

PS: Despite being on my toes almost all day, I just couldn't return to my top priority even once. I found so many secondary priorities barricading my way. I decided to undo them by doing, so that they will not barricade my walk on the path which shall lead me to my goal.


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Do I Really Have Any Choice?
04/02/2006 10:06 p.m.

April 2nd, 2006

I woke up with a thought, visual, habitually interpreting it in words. I saw trains, not with the usual compartments, but scenes depicting events of different shades and colors, passing me at a very fast pace. There was no way I could stop them or change their direction/destination. But what I realized and verbalized for my own consumption is as under:

I have just three choices:

1. To board or to un-board one, playing an ACTIVE role in my own destiny.

2. To actively accept failures and helplessness. If I fail to un-board or board the one I had wanted to, so as not to feel helpless, play a RECONCILING role.

3. To not choose, and allow things to HAPPEN in PASSIVITY, letting the chain of events determine my destiny.

Do I really have any choice but to ACT?


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Can I?
04/02/2006 09:53 p.m.

April 1st, 2006

It’s 3:10 p.m. and I hardly have any thing to say. “I must have some thing to tell her,” – this is the thought in the forefront ever since I woke up from my long afternoon siesta at 3:00.

I had to attend a few calls and a visitor (with whom I had to go out for a while) after I left this room at around 10.30. A meaningful thought did emerge while I was trying to hold my attention in the course of taking my bath. Interestingly, the appearance of this thought was a bit poetic, which I failed to jot.

It’s 3:18 p.m. and I hardly have any time left to do what I had planned to do today. I hardly have any time to waste either. What’s lost is lost. No more. Let me go and accomplish some task.

I see a thought emerging. Let me jot it down:

If life is a synonym of time
And time just IS, then
Where’s the choice
Other than to immerse into what IS
Rather than letting our attention drift
Into the realm of death
Beyond what IS?

If the NOW is life
And the choice is to LIVE or to UNLIVE
The moment that IS and shall remain
How does one decide not to
Walk out of this periphery in passivity
Into the realm of death?

Can I LIVE
In the IS with my body and mind
In a perpetual togetherness
Merged with the space time continuum
Never ever crossing the bounds of LIFE
Which IS?

Can I?

I must go back to the work.


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A Thought Against a Thought
03/30/2006 09:48 p.m.

March 29th, 2006

I woke up at 1:00 a.m. feeling rested. A thought surfaced while I was about to get up and walk into my study – “How can you feel rested when you have hardly slept? What if you feel sleepy in the course of the day?”

I went back to sleep, finally waking up at 6:30 with a thought – “What if I had ignored my fear of fear and walked into my study when I was so ready for some meaningful work?”

This thought of action needs some strength. Or do I need to ignore all thoughts and stick to just ACTION?

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I Must Not Surrender
03/30/2006 09:42 p.m.

March 25th, 2006

I woke up at 6:30 a.m. tired and unhappy after being in bed for seven hours. Just three days ago, I hardly slept for three hours and I woke up fresh and rested. I was so concentrated then. I am so frustrated now.

My inability to deal with my external distractions made me indulge in the meaningless dialoguing, internal as well as external, which eventually became the cause of my frustration and emotional exhaustion.
The body doesn't sleep. It relaxes. The mind needs sleep to recoup its composer and energies.

I know in theory and in practice that the amount of sleep is always in proportion to the exhaustion of a definite quantum of energies. The more I waste energies, the more I ought to sleep. I also know that a continuous internal blah blah is the major cause of this consumption of energies. Emotional indulgence, particularly of a negative nature, exhausts us in almost no time despite the drive you experience at the time of this emotional reaction.

Is this beginning of the end like all my umpteen beginnings so far? Am I going back to square one, as always?

This question brings me face to face. And I sense some energy accumulator opening somewhere within as I find myself preparing for yet another onslaught of the LAWS. Yes, it's the LAWS which don’t let you BE. Don't let you attain. But I knew this from the very beginning, and knowing alone doesn't help me.

I must not surrender.


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From Beginning to Square One
03/30/2006 09:33 p.m.

March 23rd, 2006

Any beginning is a good beginning if it has an intended goal, translating a
thought or an idea into an act. They develop on their own to certain extent, as the laws seem to be, but in some time the line of growth tends to retard. It’s here where a WILLFUL human interference is needed.

I intended a beginning today but soon, before the day came to an end, it started retarding like many such beginnings in the past, bringing me back to square one.

Yes, the rate of exhaustion of energies are much faster than one conserves, and there are no energy banks one can deposit these energies to use judiciously. One needs energies to conserve more energies. One needs finer energies to refine energies.

I am struggling, resolved to fill all the pit holes which cause this fall not just by sheer resolve, but by translating these resolves into ACTION.

”It’s high time now.” I repeat this time and again for my own consumption while negotiating a ditch.



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