Six Sessions of Five Minutes of Inner Silence: June 7th, 2005
06/30/2005 01:21 a.m.

This morning I resolved to do at least six sessions of five minutes of INNER SILENCE by shutting of my internal dialoging. Yes, I thought, “I will become my watchdog, keeping a watchful and alert eye on my attention, not allowing it to drift, adrift.” I also thought of all the distractions that would possibly distract and carry my attention away. 'Negate the negation', I repeatedly said. 'Draw power from the denial', yes, we do draw energies from the denial, but only when we succeed. The WIN is a beautiful energy provider. No distractions are distractions if one is present. One can BE in the distraction despite the presence of the distraction. Your presence will determine how you deal with the distraction. 'You just have to BE Ashok', I repeated again and again. Now it’s the afternoon, almost 3:30, and I am yet to commence my first session. I tried and tried umpteen times but none of them lasted long. I am feeling so weak in my endeavor to regain and refine energies. I am feeling so distracted in my efforts to neutralize distractions to meaninglessness. I am feeling so disturbed by my lack of concentration. I have always believed that you realize more when you get into conflict and here I am realizing the impossibility of my endeavor in getting into conflict with the mother of all evil, Nature.

This realization isn't new and I am a loser in this conflict. What I am groping for is this experience of INNER SILENCE, six sessions of five minutes each. I am not prepared to give this up because this would be like giving up LIVING. I am determined despite the failure. I am sad, tired and frustrated. 'Keep glued to your body', I suggest in third person. The body is three-dimensional in its movements, and it can't travel in time. 'Slow down,' I keep on reminding my self. Slowing down the experience of within and without helps us focus. The best course is to slow down all your actions and reactions on the physical plane and subsequently your experience. I am struggling and the end result is blankness. I hope this blankness will lead me to my desired mental state. Five minutes of inner silence.



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I See My Legs Getting Ready for This Walk: June 28th, 2005
06/29/2005 01:05 a.m.

”I have nowhere to go” is my MANTRA for today. The paradox is that while I am repeating this MANTRA my attention is quivering violently as my legs shake. The good part is that I am aware and this awareness stops both the quivering legs. ‘I am not going anywhere,’ I auto-suggest.

I was so dejected and frustrated the whole day yesterday, but I am better off today, rather happy. I am happy that I did not try to escape from this feeling of dejection and frustration. This did affect my 'mood' yesterday that found some solace in the company of a friend last evening and this morning, though this feeling of failure did cause pain. Paradoxically, this pain is the only proof I have of my being ALIVE. Yes, pain can be a driving force, it can be used as a driving force. I am happy.

This frustration and dejection did push me in, made me 'occupy my seat' and ponder the causes of my failure for the umpteenth time, reinforcing the 'what should be', reviving the 'what should be', one more time. The end result is good reflecting in how I am today, happy and ready to 'walk 'pole to pole.’

No doubt that I did not succeed in attaining six sessions of five minutes of 'inner silence' (well, to be honest, I never thought I would succeed so easily but then one needs to trick one's selves. If my goal is to walk 10 miles then I should aim one, but definitely not the starting point and six sessions of five minutes of 'inner silence' is my first milestone I am aiming for) but I did return back to my seat, time and again, which helped me conserve some energies and receive impressions intensely, reviving my hopes despite the inherent hopelessness. And, by the way, I did succeed in undoing many of my associations, denying them and deriving energies from this denial. Yes, successful denials, negation of the negation do generate refined energies. And in the process I did undo my frustration and dejection. I did what I had targeted to do today. Yes, I fulfilled all the tasks. Failures can be the beginning of success if only failures can succeed in pushing you in. And I do see my legs getting ready for this walk towards this first milestone on this path, pathless.


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I Am My Watch Dog: May 30th, 2005
06/29/2005 12:50 a.m.

”I am my watchdog,” I heard my self asserting, negating an intruder thought trying to capture my attention while driving to my office this morning. Yes, I have to be my watchdog if I want my Amness to sustain, if I AM. Unfortunately, being plural, I have to have a 'watchdog', more than just a passive observing self who could be watchful while clinging to the attention to ensure that it is not captured and carried away by undesired selves and thoughts. If I can remain stuck to the attention which could remain glued to the moment, then only I can attain this Amness.

I am feeling like smoking. This feeling does not appear out of the blue. It has roots in my past and it’s from where this urge appeared. If I let go of my attention I will smoke. If I stick to it and keep it stuck to the moment, from moment to moment, I will succeed in simply ignoring this urge and shall not smoke. But how long, since I am bound to drift in the absence of energies? How long in the presence of all the associations in space and time energizing those selves who would want to smoke? Can I with stand the onslaught of all these selves? Well, this is a negative suggestion. I must believe in my ability and keep on trying by holding on to my attention, watch-dogging it from being captured and being carried away and if I fail I must get into conflict despite my being weak and eventually surrendering. I must make this surrender look like a logical and tactical retreat, resolving for yet another bout. Hahahaha I think I need a watchdog to watchdog this watchdog. Some of my 'I's' energized by some of the associations easily available, stole my attention and walked away. Yes, I need to be alert and watchful. I need to have a watchdog to watch dog this watchdog. I need not to just observe but to observe that I am observing. I observe. I observe the observing self. I observe the observing self observing.

I want to replace the observing self by a watchdog. Hahahahahahahahahaha!


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Glimpses of Life Amidst This Incessant Drive of Death - 1: May 2
06/29/2005 12:38 a.m.

I watched my self drinking water, but failed to see how and when I picked up the glass and filled it. In a way, I did see, though hazily like when you drive at faster pace as in a dream where one is on a different time scale. This clearly indicates that TIME IS AWARENESS. The more we are one with the time, the more we are aware of time. We are aware from moment to moment. Can I fracture this moment and experience living each fraction like an hour? Theoretically, this seems possible but, yes there's a big “but,” I must first practice to live from moment to moment. There are organisms that beget, procreate, and die in one second/one minute/one hour and one day on our time scale. Are they really living one second/a minute/an hour/ a day on their time scale? They seem to be living a whole lifetime in their experience of time. For them a second/a minute/an hour and a day can be a whole lifetime, I am so convinced. I went to my nephew's room to tell him some thing that I could have told him on the intercom, but still I went. The urge to go was an urge to die. 'Kill this moment' urged my death, and this is always my death driving me meaninglessly. I wasn't aware of my going. I wasn't aware of the movements of my hands, my legs, as matter of fact I wasn't aware of anything. Now that I am back I am thinking "where was my 'I' when I went?" Yes, I was not present. I was not aware. It was like a dream walk of death. AWRENESS IS LIFE.

My legs were shaking. My shoes were beating against the floor and I (didn't???) know I was lost until I realized I was lost. What was I doing and why? Was this my death counting my moments as the life coil spring went on unwinding? I shake them again and realize it later. My "I" wasn't here who is realizing now. I stop. These are the moments of life but not intensified. I want to assemble these moments and live.

I am talking to a visitor, meaninglessly. Something I think I have already talked about either with him or with someone else, but I don't care. I keep on talking. "I don't care" is not the right expression in the absence of an 'I' since there wasn't an 'I' who could care. There can only be one 'I', an amness of BEING, the rest are slaves of death inspired and driven by death. STOP, Ashok, stop. Stop talking. Don't be scared of the vacuum that this stopping will produce. You can find life in the very space of this time. Just STOP and feel your LIFE, live AWARE of LIVING.

These moments of death can simply turn into the moments of life by your touch, by awareness of time, the synonym of life, awareness of awareness. When will I be aware? When will I intensify this awareness? I am filling up with some kind of a charge as I see and feel and sense the tip of my pen moving smoothly as I see, feel, and sense my body and mind so connected. Connected are my centers, the intellectual, the emotional, the mechanical, and the intuitive though the level isn't deep. I know the level is not deep by comparing this with my previous experiences, but still this is good and I am happy. I feel the happiness aware of my feeling of happiness. This seeing 'seeing' intensifies the impression that refines the energies twice as much as in the normal course of seeing. I know this. I hear the humming sound of this fan silencing the hum of the air conditioner. I also sense the sound of silence as my attention occupies its place somewhere in the center of my temple, unwavering. I remember some saint saying that he feels his seat is his heart. I have always found it to be my head. I can feel its heaviness. I feel its magnetic field as the pen held in my hands moves automatically at a high pace on this page. Yes, writing is the job of the mechanical center (all mechanical movements are, and I remind myself that thinking is not a mechanical act) that also provides data's from what's stored inside me in the form of impressions. My intellectual center chooses from these stored impressions and analyzes them as my emotional center refines these jottings by providing me with refined emotions and quality energies. I see poetry. What's the role of my intuitive center here, if this center is connected?

The intuitive center allows me to sense the presence and the knowledge from a different layer of awareness. The knowledge that comes to me that I am using here to verbalize. AWARENESS is definitely inter-linked with the TIME. The AWARENESS intensifies in proportion to the slowing down of TIME. The TIME will STOP if you can become one with WHAT IS. STOPPING is LIFE when the death stops chasing you. Yes, I lose the time when I am unaware because I AM my attention. Attention in the space of time is AWARENESS, I realize one more time. My my, how many jumps does my attention take in one minute? Ha! Ha! Ha! I don't think I can keep track of this because when I am not I am not and when I am, I am intact. But well, I see these jumps when I am in transition, coming and going, becoming and vanishing. My nephew was here to discuss an issue and I realized that I was jumping from one scene to another, in between returning to the scene I was, discussing this issue. I was hardly applying myself to the main issue, hardly aware of what was happening. Many of my selves must have appeared just in two minutes having associations with the thoughts that appeared associated with the thoughts that appeared and all in two minutes. I helplessly watched them in between when I was glancingly present. Helpless in my absence. What do I do? I will smoke. One of my smoking selves knocked my door many a times in the last two minutes. But, I warn myself to remain aware of smoking while smoking. Smoking has not done me good though the fact is that despite my resolve I wasn't aware of my smoking. I realized it when I felt it in my veins, in my throat, in my chest and under my skin. This feeling is not good. Yes, because I am AWRE, Yes, because I am ALIVE. This MOMENT.

I am swinging my chair, mechanically, rotating almost 90 degree's with my left leg on my right thigh, half Indian style. I continue to do so when I become aware, rotating and swinging, deriving pleasure. Not bad, when I am aware. I stop and swing. Stop again making it look as though it is intentional. Ha! Ha! Ha! I am enjoying this exercise, deriving meaning from a meaningless act. I am feeling tired. The last cigarette is still causing a bitter taste in my head. I think I need to rest for a while. How about walking down to the sofa in the corner of my room and relaxing, eyes closed, attention intact? I am going to do this. I dozed off for a while. I realized this when I woke up with a jerk when my boy opened the door and announced serving of my lunch. I am now feeling a bit rested and relaxed. I remember I was doing my breathing exercise, inhaling deep and slow. I feel good. This is so opposed to my smoking. I decide to repeat this once every two hours instead of filling my lungs with smoke, but despite feeling relaxed I feel a bit sleepy. I need to yawn, which opens up my energy accumulators. I am feeling fit now. Fit to work. I have to do so much of paper work. After having attended the stock market on line for a while, I am back in my room. I pick up a cigarette and start smoking realizing it later. I am watching myself smoking and I don't like its taste, the feeling it leaves in my chest, in my veins, I extinguish it. It's good to remain aware of smoking when you smoke, and smoke when you relish it. Awareness is life. I must not smoke if smoking doesn't add to the pleasure of life. I also decide to clean my umpteen cigarette holders and smoke half a bit when I really want to smoke. Not out of habit but for the pleasure and if I fail to derive pleasure I shall throw it out. I have rather resolved a tussle, an ongoing battle, rather than postponing it.

I am feeling tired again. I have cleared lot of papers with an intact attention. I, instead of looking at the watch, assume time, waiting for my tea to arrive. I also think in not so many words, how many more hours for the end of this working day? I feel ashamed of my self. Why do I need to wait for the day to end? Why do I want to get into another day? Why do I think that the other day would be different or better than this day? Why am I running incessantly towards my death? I hear myself shouting within at the pitch of my voice, NO! I must stick to the time, synonym of this awareness and life. I must do my best to expand this time, stretching a minute like an hour sensing every fraction of time and life. I must BE and SEE and LIVE instead of waiting for yet another day to arrive.

I am waiting for my PA to come with some account books. While waiting I find my hands playing with the telephone cords mechanically, winding and unwinding. I feel bad. It's an old habit, so idiotic, so meaningless. I resolve to try and give this up for the thousandth time. I am slightly angry for my good. My my my my, my hands are again back playing with the cord. I realize this with the realization that I wasn't and that I have smoked. I also realized that I have done two of the so many income tax returns, almost in no time and this made me happy. But then I was so aware at that time using every possible time. Yes, awareness is time and time is life. We are after all four-dimensional beings, three in space one in time but fractured. We ought to live not fractured in space and time but in this space time continuum. I also realized for the one millionth time that we ought to ignore all the thoughts which appears to carry us away and when we fail to do so, we should then get into a battle only when we are sure of the win, otherwise we should adopt to tactical retreat, not as an excuse, but as part of this long drawn battle in order to save energies rather than consuming then losing a battle. I see many of my selves knocking the doors. Better I ignore them.


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All the Nongoings are BECOMING: May 18th, 2005
06/29/2005 12:07 a.m.

In the course of my 13th attempt I remembered to remember to remember that I forgot to remember the breathing exercise in my previous 12 attempts to remember to remember (R to R), though I am not required to remember since that's how I breathe most of the time, slow and deep, but had resolved to remember just to help me R to R and to encourage a fellow traveler to breathe slow and deep and to use this practice to remember to remember and what all follows remembering. In the first 12 attempts I was trying to hold my attention, looking out for some clue that would lead me to ride incessantly on the back of the attention wherever it moved. I will not say that I was a total failure. But I will rather keep the clue to myself until it proves in application.

It was in my 28th attempt that I realized the heaviness of the attention as if it was an invisible organ capable of traveling in space without the feet. 'Don't go anywhere,' is what I repeatedly auto suggested intentionally in my 28th attempts, realizing for the millionth time that in reality there is no place to go. If there is any place or time it's the time and the place in the time and the place one is. Any going is going nowhere and all the nongoings are BECOMING.

This was sometime in the afternoon. Later, despite a total of 39 attempts, I was distracted by myself feeling distracted by phones, visitors, and my work. I hope to do better tomorrow. I hope in hopelessness.


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My 16th Attempt: May 17th, 2005
06/22/2005 08:40 p.m.

This was my 15th attempt to remember to remember while practicing the breathing exercise. On the 16th (i.e., after almost ten minutes of absence) I was wondering and trying to recollect what made me jump and vanish from the 15th to the 16th. A man who entered my room created a different situation and my attention was carried away by the associated thoughts. Well, it wasn't difficult to conclude why I failed to stick to the 15th. It was not difficult since this was my millionth failure., and shamelessly, I am prepared to deduce once again that I failed because I failed to become my attention. This separation from my attention, this lack of control on my part, in the absence of my presence, the associations carried away my attention. Now when I am recording this, stuck to my 16th attempt, I am my attention since I can see my hands holding this pen moving smoothly on this note pad linked with my intellectual center linked with my emotional center linked with my mechanical center, aware of my within, aware of my without. No doubt the quality isn't good but still I am happy about this becoming. Yes, I am aware of every thing as if my attention can move in the opposite direction, in and out, left and right, back and forth, all at once. I did observe the person who peeped through my glass paneled door. I observed myself observing, my attention floating through the empty space of the room almost touching the person through the glass who was peeping through the glass. It’s here where I realized the beauty of this oneness with the attention. I almost touched the person since I was the attention. I saw him so clearly as if I was seeing him very close though for a fraction of a second. I did go but I was in control since I saw my going and I saw my returning back to this very notepad recording this experience so nicely linked with my thought process, my centers. Yes, this is what I am aiming at. What should I do to attain this oneness with my attention? Can I think of some practice which will make this task somewhat easier?

I think I need to evolve some practice to attain this goal. Aware of every thing, touching every thing, within as well as without in continuity. I have experienced this movement of attention in continuity in the past. It's almost like moving yourself. But this is an old story. And now? I have nothing much to claim but for the fact that it's a new beginning and I am sure to attain what I am intending to.

One ought to know when one jumps

Why he jumped?
How he jumped?
AND
Where was he
When he jumped?


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LIVING AWARE OF LIVING: May 2nd, 2005
06/11/2005 11:56 p.m.

Our calendar day consists of twenty-four hours. In terms of minutes it’s (twenty four)(sixty) = one thousand four hundred forty minutes. Yet, how many minutes in terms of LIVING do we have in one day? Then again, how many minutes in terms of living aware of LIVING? I call this 'living aware of living' CONSCIOUS LIVING, and I do not know how many of us have really experienced this real LIVING like a real LOVE, conscious love, as I call it, though we all claim that we live and love.

Well, I can talk only in terms of averages since there are days when it's nil. There are days when I am not LIVING one single moment. The question of the quality and the intensity of the CONSCIOUS LIVING can only arise once I learn to LIVE AWARE OF MY LIVING. Conscious living is simple in terms of intellectual understanding. We know what being aware means, it means aware of whatever we are engaged in. Yet, I walk unaware of my walking. I walk in space 'A' while I am in time 'B'’. I laugh – same. I talk- same. I let things happen unaware, though I claim I did them and I am capable of justifying anything and everything. As a matter of fact, this is this ‘sameness’ that turns what should be our doing (in terms of undoing) into happenings. There's an 'I' who is much needed for remaining aware. This 'I' is one of my selves who I identify as my INTENDING SELF, the self I want to BECOME. This ‘I’ is the one I want to remain AWARE of my LIVING. This ‘I’ is the one who I want to represent my CONSCIOUSNESS. This 'I' has to be the one who is always on the alert and watchful, always present.

How many minutes do I live aware of my LIVING? Well, I do not have much to claim, though at least 'I' know what barricades my awareness. Without going into the causes, I am resolving to remain aware, one more time. How many ‘one more times’ will I resolve, I am wondering now? How many ‘one more times’ will I have resolved so far? I know, frustrated and sometimes disgusted, that every time I say, 'well, the day is lost, I will start again from tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day,’ I am still killing every remaining moment of that day, of my LIFE. Why a day? Why should I sacrifice the remainder of a day? Not to mention that I know this postponement never works despite the pretext of sacrificing the remainder of the day. So, what do I do? I have found an answer. The answer is in subdividing the day into hours, and now it will be the hour sacrificed and not the day since I have decided to take stock of the past hour, every hour. I have decided to take account of the last hour and evaluate where I stand on this resolve of mine. I will. I will now take stock from hour to hour and account for that hour. This hourly balance sheet will keep me reminded of my resolve of LIVING AWARE OF LIVING that I call CONSCIOUS LIVING. I hope this will work. This practice will, at the very least, help me live more aware of living.

I am currently Bothered
I am listening to My Resolve

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One Cannot Survive Without IMPRESSIONS: April 19th, 2005
05/17/2005 04:07 p.m.
One Cannot Survive Without IMPRESSIONS: April 19th, 2005


I eat, and the food provides my body with the necessary energies to survive. We count the energy in terms of calories and work out the intake and the outflow. The rest of this energy we believe we conserve and store in the form of fat that we use as and when this equilibrium of intake and outflow becomes imbalanced. Well, this ought to be, since no one can either count the intake or the expenditure from minute to minute, nor can one measure the energy level every minute. In any case, bestowed with this animal instinct for survival, nature takes care of this aspect and makes one feel hungry on a routine basis to compel one to 'intake' and conserve energy for the body’s use on rainy days. It is believed (by me too, apart from some esoteric schools) that this energy, which is a crude form of energy useful for mere animal survival, gets a 'shock' with every intake of oxygen.. This means that breathing is not a mere act of keeping afloat one’s heart and, in turn, one’s body, but also plays a vital role in providing the necessary 'shock' to this cruder form of energy for refining. Needless to say, the energies meant for our intellectual center are more refined than the energies needed for our physical survival. I am not sure what substance (already in the body) refines these energies into mechanical energies, which no doubt are finer, more powerful, and more forceful than the intellectual energies since one thinks faster when one thinks mechanically, and one reacts faster after having learned how to drive a car than when one is in the learning process.

But I know that IMPRESSIONS do refine these cruder energies into finer ones by providing a SHOCK. Yes, our sense instruments are just not there for mere seeing, hearing, smelling etc., but also for the intake of this important shock for this vital energy. One can live without food for days. One can survive for a minute or so without oxygen, but one cannot survive for a while without impressions. Can one shut off all the sense instruments and survive? But I am not talking of mere survival since this vital energy (and now let me reveal, this is very important energy) is emotional energy we are hardly aware of. We do not know what this is because we do not know how to use it, how to control it, or what to do with it. So we, in the absence of any understanding of its meaningful use and control, simply waste it. Rather, it wastes itself and the end result is always detrimental to us. Yes, anger is one of the umpteen ways of waste, though anger is not a creation of the emotional center for which this energy is meant.. Anger generates from a false center we all create by impressions and suggestions of comparison in the course of our formatory age. I will only say, at this juncture, that for any quality work one needs these energies and needs impressions for generating them or rather, for refining cruder energies into this beautiful energy. It is here where the impression become important. A crude example will suffice to explain this phenomenon . For example, I am in a bad mood owing to bad quality of impressions I registered in meeting a person with whom I have negative associations. At this point, a person walks in with whom I have positive associations and who provides me beautiful impressions, and suddenly, my mood changes and changes owing to a refinement of energies. We can take any number of examples. I am in a so-so mood, bored and lethargic. I hear beautiful music, smell the earthly smell of first rain, meet a beautiful friend, read a beautiful book, or eat a tasty snack. If the impression that I register through any of my senses, eyes, ears, touch, taste is good, I feel a bit charged up, my mood changes since the energy level changes. I am now charged by refined energies.

The quality of refinement and level of energies are directly in proportion to the quality of impression registered. This means we ought to register quality impressions and avoid negative and bad quality of impressions. How does one do this? By disciplining, by ignoring, by avoiding, by trying to remain in circulation where one ought to get quality impressions, by stopping our tendency to react, by living from moment to moment, by self remembering. The quality can't be had unless the impression so registered is intense and it is here where out attention becomes very a important factor because this alone can help us avoid, ignore, and BE to register intensely what we need to register. “I am seeing” but not seeing makes a lot of difference. “I am observing an object” registers one impression, while ”I am observing the observer observing the object” registers two impressions. The second impression provides an additional shock to this refinement process, further refining the energies. This means that 'conscious shocks' produce 'additional shocks'. Man cannot survive without impressions. He keeps on registering impressions through all his sense instruments every moment. We just have to be careful in what we register and how intensely, and what we ignore by simply ignoring. A man confined in a colorless cell will either go insane or die for want of impressions despite the impressions his sense instruments would be registering, simply because these bland impressions would not provide him sufficient energies to survive or maintain his so called sanity. We need our external but we ought to be cautious so that we draw what we want to draw and not what comes in because it is there. We just cannot avoid the external. We need our external but we also need control and discipline. These emotional energies, I believe, can be further refined into intuitive energies by providing 'conscious shocks'.


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INNER SILENCE. April 16th, 2005
05/12/2005 02:54 a.m.



INNER SILENCE is what, I believe, makes one able walk in the space of time, or the fifth dimension as I prefer to call it. INNER SILENCE is what, I believe, opens up the doors of perception wherein one draws AWARENESS from the AWARENESS AT LARGE. INNER SILENCE is what, I believe, shuts off one’s conditioned mind from mechanically reacting to everything external, interpreting what is based on the stored data's and preconceived conditioned notions, barricading the very being from BEING, SEEING, AND KNOWING. INNER SILENCE, as a matter of fact, increases the most unknown and unsought potential in us (i.e. SENSING), and one must know that AWARENESS, which doesn't have a language, is always SENSED though SENSING. We also must know that awareness is always there though we are NOT. Despite believing in what I believe, I have failed measurably to shut off my mind from jumping from one association to another, failed to stop continual internal dialoguing, failed in not reacting to every external stimuli, and failed not to drift from nowhere to nowhere, meaninglessly. I have known moments of success (which can be counted on one hand) and I do long for such moments of INNER SILENCE that brings PEACE, HAPPINESS, KNOWLEDGE, and BEAUTY. I have felt this euphoria of the refined energies. I have experienced KNOWING approaching all on its own, wordless, as if I had always known it but failed to recognize the KNOWING.

The point is, why do I fail to attain this state of INNER SILENCE despite my longing, despite my obsession, despite my struggle? I can simply justify my failures by raising an accusing finger towards NATURE and her indefatigable LAWS permeating me through its mechanism, but that doesn't help me nor do accusations lead me anywhere. This doesn't encourage me to BE, to SEE, and to KNOW. Besides, Nature has its own purpose under a wider scheme of things and we, being just a tiny screw in this scheme, have no business to question her purpose and blame her if she is pursuing her purpose through these LAWS. But we, as conscious beings, are well within our rights to pursue our purposes if we have any, and defy Nature by using its very LAWS meant to enslave us. Well, in the wake of this argument I did resolve to get into conflict with these very LAWS, but as the things stand, my problem is that despite this ongoing battle within, despite this conflict with the very nature of the nature, my moments of 'surrender' are umpteen times more than the moments of INNER SILENCE, which can be counted on one hand.

I can put forth arguments justifying my failure from the ANTS’ point of view, but they are neither pliable (from my point of view and purpose), nor of any help to me. I will have to find a way out in view of my past, my conditioning, my external, my situation, and my weaknesses from this 'no mans land' I am so badly 'stuck up' in. The internal dialoguing and the habit of interpretation is what the ancient shamans believed helped the ANTS maintain their ANT LEVEL so obstinately and enthusiastically guarded by the ANT COLONY ( Ha! Ha! Ha!). SENSING always comes into operation the moment an ANT shuts off the internal blah blah, and attains a certain amount of inner silence. This, on the one hand, stops misuse and waste of energies, while on the other SENSING intensifies the impressions registered in such a state, refining the energies into intuitive, which in turn intensifies the SENSING, moving this ANT from a general ANT level to a different layer of awareness. Henceforth, ANTS will call this kind of evolution 'strange', 'abnormal,' and 'crazy'. HA!HA!HA! After pondering on this issue for a while, I have derived a way out of this conundrum. I don't know if it will work, but in my view it seems to be the only way out at this juncture when I am stuck in this no mans land. I have used logical talking, face to face once in a while, to gather myself and in to push myself back into my SEAT. Besides these face-to-face talks, have succeeded too by using anger and turning it inwards. I have always succeeded in using this inwardly directed emotional drive to my advantage by talking to myself. The trick is to use this drive logically. This cannot tantamount to misuse since we use this drive for our own growth, more over as a temporary measure. The only risk is that we tend to resolve impossibilities driven by this charge but this will not bring us harm in any way.

I have, after pondering over this, decided to use intentional logical talking, face to face, at least once every hour, taking stock of what I have attained in my endeavor to BE , reviewing my gains and my failures in a nut shell, stressing what LIFE means to me and how little time I have to fill my life with meaning and beauty while repeating what I have resolved to resolve. This logical positive talking on my part, I believe, is capable of pushing me back into my seat, holding my attention, and blocking all of the external distractions while I am talking to myself. The charge that I shall derive from these talks will be in the form of reinforcing suggestions, resolutions and this belief that I CAN. I am sure this forceful talking on my behalf will push me back where I can BE and BE in a state of INNER SILENCE, for a while, while my INTENDING SELF plays the role of a watch dog, active and alert, shooing away all those associations which will do their best to lure me away from my SEAT. The best way to invite ones self for a talk is to straight away get into a conflict with the available self by simply negating it. For example, if you feel like smoking, don't smoke but keep alive the urge to smoke. One of the experiencers of this INNER SILENCE has stated that each one of us will have to find out how much time one needs to attain a state where THE WORLD STOPS and our BEING can draw from the AWARENESS AT LARGE. The simple logic behind this is that when you are talking to your self, logically and intellectually, you are present. You are in the moment you are in, which conserves energies. Over and above, the drive behind these talks will register suggestions. The repetition shall make it an obsession. The emotional drive, as and when it can be generated, shall register this deep. I am sure this will work. I have decided to jot down my experience of such face-to-face talks and formulate an easy to follow PRACTICE based on my experience of this practice.

Inshah Allah


Comments (1)

I Will Continue to Grow and Love Those ANTS I Love and Care For:
04/29/2005 06:58 p.m.

I love Mowgli though he interacts with me from an altogether different level, being a BEING of a different level. This reality of ours doesn’t stop me from loving him, nor does it stop him from loving me, nor does his love or mine diminish due to the fact that he shall remain on the level he is condemned to occupy. I was an ANT and I believe that I grew a bit from one level to another level where I could see that I was an ANT. There are still numerous ‘selves’ within whom, when energized, do behave like ANTS. I dislike them. I get into conflict with them. There’s an ongoing war against them because it’s my (INTENDED SELF) decision to refuse to be and behave like an ANT.

But what of those ANTS I love and care for even when I am not an ANT? What of those I loved and care for when I was an ANT? Those who refuse to acknowledge that they are ANTS though they tend to be and behave so and refuse to behave otherwise. They do acknowledge this fact without knowing what they are acknowledging. They use terms such as ‘insane’, ‘crazy’, 'mad’, 'abnormal’, ‘crooked’, ‘strange’ and so on, and derive the utmost pleasure from making fun of non-ants and calling them names. Common is normal amongst ANTS and all ANTS measure five feet six inches when they measure each other. My problem is that I have grown a bit ‘abnormally’ taller, hence, I am ‘naturally’ ABNORMAL from their point of view.

I do not blame them for seeing me as ABNORMAL, or whatever term they use. I do, however, feel sad when they derive pleasure out of this because I love them, care for them, and I do expect love in return. Being on two different levels doesn’t stop Mowgli and I from reciprocating our love for one another. But still, I shall ignore if (and it’s a big IF) I believe that I have grown tall. This attitude on my part alone proves that I have grown tall and that I continue to refuse to behave like an ANT. This common logic of abnormality does apply the other way around as well. These ANTS do look abnormal from my point of view, but should I call them names, demean them, derive pleasure from calling them names and making fun of them? Will this behavior not tantamount to demeaning my very BEING and my claim that I have grown?

I shall continue to love those I love and care for. I will continue to play the role I have been playing to interact with them. I will continue to grow and continue to love them as I love my Mowgli.


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