I want my composure back-septem 12th, 2001
11/13/2001 02:18 a.m.
Yesterday, the beginning of my day wasn’t bad, despite my being so un-at-ease.My journal writing exercise helped me to not only resolve my uneasiness to certain extent but also to help me regain my concentration. I was never at peace with myself in the last so many days, as I was yesterday morning, after an hour of journal writing.This composure did not last long. My anxiety returned back by 10 AM. And with this, I was in the grips of hopes once again. I became all ears. I was waiting for the telephone to ring. I did my arithmetic, calculating and recalculating the time. I was waiting. I was hoping. All the while, while I was hoping and waiting, I was also remembering and auto suggesting that I had resolved to live in hopelessness. I found that I was in a great conflict, between hopefulness and hopelessness, between hopes and not wanting to hope.I also remembered that I had also decided to write a thirty-minute moment-to-moment account of my inner conflict, every day, by trying to hold my attention. I thought I was in a great situation for commencing ‘a thirty-minute moment-to-moment account of my inner conflict’. This would be a good title, I thought. I will account for this writing under this title every day. But then I was all ears. My attention was stuck to the telephones. But then I wanted to remain watchful so that my hoping selves don’t take charge of me. But then there were several workers working in my house and I was wanted everywhere. But then I was to concentrate on the seven feet Sphinx I was constructing by moulding and laying layers of used pink stone slabs and I had decided to spend half of my day there, with my workers. But then there were phone calls, more than normal, since I had resumed production at my factory. But then I was anxious and hoping and wanting to just hope and wait and wait and hope and hope and wait and do nothing. Its here where I lost my composure.But still I thought, what a great situation. A situation I ought to use for practicing hopelessness (ha! ha! ha!). I am laughing now. I did not laugh then.The conflict I was in wasn’t humorous.I failed to sit and write. I failed to hold my hopes dead. So I left my house, a bit early, than I had planned. I was dying either way, in hoping or in not hoping.I tried to hold myself in the office. I was scheduled to prepare a lengthy legal document running into several pages in the afternoon. And I did, though partly. I was struggling. I was unhappy that I was struggling so much. Ultimately I lost control. I am happy that at least I struggled and did not surrender so easily.What a pride? I am such an idiotic fellow. HA! HA! HA!P.S: I got up as usual, at 5.30Am. And I remember, I did some mechanical thinking before I actually got up. I feel good that it wasn’t prolonged and that I did not doze off, despite the fact that I still have to catch lots of sleep.My Blood Pressure seems to be normal (I feel ashamed when I talk of my blood pressure. If I can’t control my blood pressure, I think, I am good for nothing) though I shall continue to take half a pill every day as a precautionary measure. My acidity level is low. The good part is that I am not so worried a man. I just want my composure back. I want my composure back.Yesterday I was asked if I wanted my life back. And I said-‘YES’. I repeat, GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK. MY LIFE.
I am currently Bothered

Comments (0)

septem 11th, 2001
11/13/2001 02:16 a.m.
It is 4.30, early in the morning. I am sitting here, reclined against my bed rest, after an hours struggle with in, after I had had washed my eyes and face and drank my water, like a robot.My eyes are watery; so much that water is flowing down my cheeks. This has to be either because of the high blood pressure or because of lack of sleep. There’s a constant burning in my eyes.My chest is heavy. This is not physical, though I can feel the burning sensation inside, which is physical.There’s a continuity of pain in my shoulders. Some times, I feel it in the left, some times in the right and some times in both of my shoulders.I have a history of this and I think this tends to emerge whenever I am weak, physically or mentally. Lack of sleep can be one of the causes.There’s heaviness in my head. This I think, is psychosomatic and physical, as well. Lack of sleep can again be one of the causes. My legs are achy too, particularly the lower part. But that’s not my worry since I know that this is purely physical.The uneasiness prevails and I need sleep.I remember, I experienced, more or less, the same kind of uneasiness last year.But then I had felt threatened.What’s the cause of this uneasiness? Do I feel threatened in some way? Am I not getting the quality vibrations I have become used to? What’s the cause of this prolonged uneasiness? My uneasiness is making me uneasy.I have no answers and I am not going to grope for one. I just want to come out of this uneasiness, some how. I am feeling so lonely (its so well pronounced and the impact of the realization so sudden that I have started wondering). I am hardly talking these days. I have set such a huge task for my self. My goal. My journey. And the train keeps on deluding me. It leaves the station every time before I could board it.My uneasiness prevails and I am in a do or die situation. What do I do? DO? DIE?DO or DIE? What?I am knocking my head as if I know the answer and I have the required capacity for either. If it is DEATH, it’s going to be a happening. If it’s DO, its ME and I know I still do not have the courage or the capacity to challenge or defy the laws.I must gather myself together.There’s another thought, which is nagging me right now. I was postponing this thought from surfacing since quite some time.In the wake of my feeling that I am probably not getting the same kind of quality vibrations I am used to, I think that I am also not transmitting the vibrations of the same quality I was so far transmitting. This also means that those close to me must be lacking, wanting and hoping. How do I tell them that I am so empty these days? I lack quality vibrations. I need something in order togive. I ought to have something in order to give. I feel sad.Can I live in hopelessness? So that there’s no give and take relationship.There’s only give and give and one feels happy in just giving. There are no associations based on hopes.Hopelessness! You are full of love, vibrating love, vibrating in love,transmitting love. Nothing but love in hopelessness.This sounds so beautiful. Love will attain new heights in hopelessness.Hopes shall become beautiful in hopelessness.Now I must start gathering myself.I ought to relax for a while now.It is 6.45 and I know I dozed off for a while. I am feeling relaxed and much better now.I am resolving to use my diary writing by observing and penning every detail of the conflict that I might get into while trying to gather myself. In other words, I will hold my attention and depict the struggle that I am bound to have with my other selves who would try and carry my attention away, drawing energies from the association of thoughts.Diary writing can be used in gathering oneself. And I am going to use it every day.I hope. Oh! How can I hope in hopelessness? I am smiling and I am happy that I am smiling. My face must be looking very awkward with that genuine smile I smiled after so many days.
I am currently Depressed

Comments (0)

septem 10th, 2001
11/11/2001 02:42 a.m.
It was now the turn of my acidity level to shot up. Despite two pills of antacid and a pill for my high blood pressure, my eyes are watery and burning, I can feel every pore of my skin tense and there’s a constant burning inside my chest. My head is heavy desiring to explode in peace any moment. My uneasiness still persists. I was becoming used to waking up in the middle of the night with this feeling of uneasiness up till yesterday but yesterday I just failed to sleep. I don’t know what is happening? I don’t know as to why is it happening? I don’t know as to why am I feeling so uneasy?I feel no charge, no enthusiasm of any kind for anything. I am in a state of acute emotional crisis.In the course of the day, I feel detached to everything including my uneasiness. I keep on performing my outwardly duties, relatively with ease, though indifferently. I keep on playing all kind of roles that is necessary in the course of my day as part of my routine, without much of an effort though in a detached sort of way. I talk, though less. I laugh, when necessary. I entertain visitors. It’s normally from evening up till my mornings that I am in the thick of this crisis. Sometimes I feel like I am in a sacrificial mood.I want my control back, whatever little I had on me. I want to be back on my journey as fast as I can. I want to pronounce my self dead once and for all. I am a bundle of contradictions right now. I lack energies. I lack impressions. I am lacking courage to gather myself together and move ahead on (stick to) my lonely pathless path.
I am currently Depressed

Comments (0)

septem 9th, 2001
11/09/2001 01:44 a.m.
My blood pressure shot up. The diastolic (the lower reading) was as high as 100, quite above the danger mark of 90.This is psychosomatic. This is manifestation of my uneasiness, which doesn’t have any apparent cause. My Blood Pressure is an effect of certain causes. These causes are in my past. My BP could not have manifested in the absence of these causes. If there were no past (the cause), there wouldn’t be a present (the effect).There has to be a history (chain) of cause and effect behind everymanifestation, every happening, every effect. What is manifesting now is the direct result of what has manifested in the past and so on. Nothing shall exist if nothing was there. You ought to have something for something to manifest. There ought be something in nothing.‘Nothing’ for this reason alone ought to be believed to be pregnant with every thing.I can’t imagine a God (the effect) without a cause. If God is the cause of WHAT IS then what is the cause of god? The god has to be a cause and effect, both, since every effect turns into a cause consequently and so on. The present turns into past no sooner it if effected. The effect turns into cause for another effect once it is effected. My BP caused me to lie down, caused me to take my medicine, caused me to eat frugal, caused many minor changes in my routine. My Bp shall cause many more effects in the future. I cannot control the effect. I cannot dictate the effect. I cannot change the past. I cannot, in the normal course, change the happening. I can, in a limited way, effect the present (the effect) by reacting differently, by trying to UNDO the effect. One can use the law to defy the law.The law of cause and effect can be used for one’s own benefit but only if one wants to DO by UNDOING the happening.This is the reason one cannot be held responsible for (there are many more laws responsible too) his own act (because it is never an act but a reaction eventuated by the laws). FORGIVE THEM GOD. THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY ARE DOING.This is the reason the knowledgeable persons always had to adapt to crowds language in order to communicate with them. This is the reason dog has to be trained in the dog’s language and up to a level. Knowledge is beyond crowd’s level, crowd’s capacity to understand. The One who transcends this boundary is the chosen few. Genuine knowledge is not meant for the crowd simply because he cannot bear the responsibility of BEING, for his own ACT, because he cannot DO.How can a crowd SIN, when he is not capable of doing, WHEN HE CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE?His SIN is that he cannot DO, because he cannot UNDO, but I think that is what nature desires from him. He is just a slave in the hands of the laws. He shall always remain in SIN.I am DOING my utmost to UNDO my crowd.Don’t you please equate me with the crowdDon’t recommend me a doseMeant for the ailmentKnown as crowd.
I am currently Reflective

Comments (0)

septem 8th, 2001
11/07/2001 03:40 a.m.
It is 5.30 AM now and I am reclining with my back resting on the backrest of the bed. My right leg is bent at the knee and I am holding my writing pad against my thighs. I am waiting for some thought to emerge. I am feeling exhausted. I woke up early and all the while I was struggling to get up. All the time I was struggling to bring my attention back inside the room. All the time I was in a conflict with my other selves, my mechanical ness.Besides, as was in the last four days, I was feeling uneasy for no apparent reason.I am happy, thought have now started to surface, out of the blue.

Attention is the key
Which shall open the doors of perception
I just can’t afford to let it go.
I must get rid of the conflict
In order to BE
I must get into a conflict
In order to get rid of the conflict
In order to BE
Unless I wage a war
And WIN
I cannot BE.


X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X



If I wish to ASK
Right now
I have to BE here
And not just anywhere
Right now
If I wish to ASK
Right here
I have to BE Now
And not yesterday
Right here
I can’t SEEK anything
If I am NOT
I just can’t KNOCK
If I am NOT
I can’t attain SOMETHING
Unless I am NOTHING.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I must hold on to what all I have
Its ME and my LIFE.
ME represent a weak ‘I’
Genuine but which lacks ‘life’
This ‘I’ needs my attention
LIFE represents TIME
And TIME is synonym of LIFE.
I am currently Creative

Comments (0)

septem 7th, 2001
11/02/2001 02:15 p.m.
I have questions
Many
Many so called answers
framed in questions.
There are no answers
Holding me from putting forth question marks
Against the so-called answers.
There are hypothesis
Trying to answer the questions
In isolation.
There are theologians
Putting cart before the horses
Building upon arguments on belief’s
There are so-called god men
Preachers, pastors, moulvi’s and pandits
Answering questions like parrots
Speaking different languages
Knowing nothing though pretending to know everything
Following nothing though pretending to follow what they preach
Blind, hopeless closed minds.
There are scriptures(And dances too, I am told)
With codified knowledge
Disguised and concealed
Shrouded in myths
Composed in the language of the crowd
With which
‘The ‘chosen crowd’ took the liberty
Of shaping itMisinterpreting it without the understanding
Changing the versions to suit their ends.
All these answers
Seems to be leading in every possible direction
But arriving nowhere.
Truth has to be a ‘pathless path’
Unbound by space
Unbound by time
Has to be here and now
It cannot be found in the past
Since it has to be ever ‘alive’ and not dead
It cannot be found in the future
Since future is nothing but the projection of the past
So, where do I recommence my search for the answers?
The truth
The WHAT IS.
The answer, I sense
Lies in
WHAT IS
IS
WHAT IS.
Ok.Now lets ask
ASK
But not in the language of the crowd
‘, Cause truth can not confine in a language
Cannot be subject to interpretations
Cannot be subject to one’s own experience of words and word experience
ASK but not like a parrot
ASK when you are PRESENT
AWARE of your asking
ASK WITHOUT ASKING

SEEK
But ascertain there’s intensity in you seeking
SEEK the truth
Not on any beaten path
But only on a pathless path
Knock
The doors of perception
By BEING and ASKING WITHOUT ASKING
By SEEKING WITHOUT SEEKING
Knocking the doors
Leading you
From the unreal to the real
But KNOCK WITHOUT KNOCKING
Because the DOORS ARE DOORLESS
Because the truth cannot be shielded behind a door.
You will find the answer
Even if you are seeking the so called god
No god can ever be beyond the truth
Which is
WHAT IS
WHAT IS
IS
WHAT IS
Which has to be here and now
You just have to ASK WITHOUT ASKING
You just have to SEEK WITHOUT SEEKING
You just have to KNOCK WITHOUT KNOCKING
It will come to you on its own.

After I finished writing my thought process in the form of a poem, I resisted adding one more line- stop behaving like a crowd.Yes, I have always believed that TO BE OR NOT TO BE IS ALWAYS YOUR OWN CHOICE, no doubt subject to the law of cause and effect since unless there is a cause this question TO BE OR NOT TO BE wont bother you. This is the reason it is said that the knowledge is meant for the CHOOSEN FEW since those who have questions and quest alone can be the genuine SEEKERS and not those who have the answers.Well, when I got up at around 3 Am, I had altogether a different question in my mind – IF TO KILL OR NOT TO KILL IS MY CHOICE IF THERE IS A KNIFE ON THE TABLE – when, finally, after three hours of uneasiness, I got up and found my self writing what I have written in the poetry form.I have decided to deal with that question tomorrow.
I am currently Reflective

Comments (0)

septem 6th, 2001
11/02/2001 02:00 p.m.
Yesterday late evening, while waiting for somebody on line, in all suddenness, I started feeling tired and sleepy. After a couple of hours of deep slumber, I started feeling uneasy- uneasy about everything. Why is this world so idiotic?Why do people behave the way they do? Why do they all keep on justifying their acts when they are not responsible for what they are doing? Why are they not DOING? Why are they tormenting her? Why can’t they leave her alone?The uneasiness was more pronounced than the thoughts. I wasn’t angry. I was charged with emotions.The uneasiness did not allow me to sleep. The uneasiness lead me to a scene in which I saw the world existing though I was gone. Few lines emerged on the surface and in order to jot down those lines, I got up and found that it was 4AM. The lines were:Every thing here Would remain hereWhen I am goneOne dayWhy am I feeling so attached to them?There used to be a time, and quite many days, when I used to feel attached to every thing in a very detached way. I used to derive pleasure from everything ina detached manner. I was just happy. I had accepted happiness as something internal and I had decided to remain happy internally in every situation. No complaints. No expectations. Just happy. Hopelessly. But I am feeling so unhappy right now. I am trying to meditate to blunt the effect of this uneasiness. I am tying to hold my attention. I want to doze off.I want to sit up and write.Every effort on my part is resulting into nothing.I am still head deep in that uneasiness and I don’t know how to come out of it.
I am currently Restless

Comments (0)

septem 5th, 2001
11/02/2001 01:57 p.m.
It is nearing 7 AM. And I am still sleepy. Yesterday had been a long day. It had been a tiring and emotionally exhausting day, lasting 22 hours of active passivity. This does not mean that I did not wake up at 5.30. I did, but instead of indulging in a mechanical sort of thinking, as my morning routine is these days, I dozed off, on and off, and in the process, saw bits of unrelated scenes, heard absurd kind of disassociated sentences including my snoring. The associations never seem to die even when you are asleep. Something always seemsto remain active even when you are deep asleep.Finally, when I left my bed to go to bathroom to throw some water on my sleepy eyes and for relaxing face muscles and then to the copper vessel for my morning water, I found that a thought had lingered on with me from my dreamy state. The thought was- where did the God live before he created this infinite.THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE BEGINNING- this statement is so simple and easy to assume. This is what would emerge as an answer in the minds of one and all, right from a layman to a physicist philosopher in response to a question related to the beginning of this universe.There was nothing in the beginning and then only the god created the earth, the sky, the heavenly bodies etc. All the geneses, all the myths pertaining to this genesis would thus begin. The modern day philosopher or a physicist might dispute and claim that every thing actually started evolving from nothing, whether it started with a big bang or evolved slowly and gradually after the big bang. But I wonder why a layman or a theologian has never wondered where the godlived before the beginning and what was he doing when there was nothing and why did he do what he did by initiating the process of a beginning? We know what a theologian would answer. There answer would not be based on what they know but on some scripture he believe owing to their conditioning. And when the scripture would fail to answer the question, he would pronounce the question as a profanity and hence forbidden. The layman never has answers since they never have questions. They may react as per their own conditioning. If they found themselves nonplussed they might declare the questioner sick and insane.Interestingly none of the scripture have a clear concept of the fact that there cannot be a definite above or below in regard to heavenly bodies, in view of the infinite. They also fail to answer the paradox as to how can God be beyond the infinite. They also do not have the ‘perception’ of what infinite can be and inthe wake of this ‘perception’, what could be the earth’s position in the entire universe.’Well, I wanted to confine to –‘ there was nothing in the beginning- and I was to add-‘ and that every thing generated out of nothing’. There’s a title of a book ‘something called nothing’ by a Russian science fiction writer, Roman Podolny.I also want to emphasize that every thing emerges from nothing and one can create anything if one can attain nothingness.
I am currently Reflective

Comments (0)

septem 4th, 2001
11/02/2001 03:18 a.m.
It is 3 Am now, in the middle of the night. I was busy doing my morning mechanical thinking exercise for the last one-hour. The only good part about this hour was that I observed and observed myself a bit closely, though in jumps. There used to be a time when I used to get up at 3.30 as a routine. This was normal and I wasn’t used to any mechanical thinking in my waking hours in those days. I used to feel completely rested and neutrally happy about waking and getting up so early. I used to read and write a lot in those days.The first thing that I observed today, when I got up at around 2 AM, was that, that I wasn’t happy. And that, that I was in an emotional state of mind. The second thing that I observed was that my emotional self was trying to feel indifferent, out of self-pity and helplessness, I suppose. Normally, one gets up in the middle of the night like this, when one is extremely unhappy and his world is threatened.No doubt that my external world isn’t the same as it used to be. No doubt that I am passing through a crisis and my routine isn’t the same as it used to be. But there’s some thing more which seems to be the cause of this emotional state of mind.Intellectually I can argue that events are interrelated and that the good and the bad are relative, relative even to a given time, given situation; the so called bad may lead one to the good; the so called bad may turn into god etc; but my system feels threatened. There are ‘I’s which feels uneasy, unhappy. There are ‘I’s who feels comfortable in yesterdays. They always want their yesterday. The yesterdaywas intact. Today isn’t intact hence they feel threatened and uncomfortable?We are so used to our old dreams that we always want to walk back in to it knowing well that it was a dream and one cannot walk back into a broken old dream.But my cause of this emotionalism seems to be different. My cause of this emotionalism is an emotional crisis. The cause of this emotional crisis it seems is that I returned from my energy source unfulfilled and empty handed many a times yesterday since the doors of this energy source were closed. But still I feel there’s some thing more than this, since the intensity of this emotional crisis is too acute. It’s too acute to happen in a day’s time.It is 5 AM now and I have spent the major part of the last two hours suffering from the emotional crisis, writing and in mechanical thinking. The only thing that I would have preferred but did not do was dozing off. But I feel like lying down again. I am tired but I feel so uncomfortable and so in emotional crisis. What’s happening?
I am currently Restless

Comments (0)

septem 3rd, 2001
11/01/2001 01:31 a.m.
It is 6.30 A.M. I just got up after waking up at 5.30 and as usual, living my death. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. I feel like shouting. I feel like hurling choicest abuses towards nature. The so-called Mother Nature. The evil (from my point of view). Why has she not provided me with some amount of WILL?Why has she enslaved me by chaining me to the laws?I know this out burst wont help. I know because I AM at least at this point of time. On the contrary this will prove detrimental. The anger and the effects of the anger will consume up all my energies. I shall be the only loser. I shall be thus serving the purpose of the nature by reacting. This will not be my doing.This would tantamount to just a happening and ‘I’s existence would just be a NOT.I decide to turn my anger ‘inwards’. I decide to use this ‘outflow’ of the energies for my own purpose, since it is always difficult to hold or save emotional drives. If I can cause the anger turn ‘inwards’, I know this will bring a qualitative change in the quality of the energies. This will provide a ‘shock’ transmuting the anger into a resolve. A negative all consuming energies into some thing real positive. One can DO this only if one is present, actively,watchful and not ‘sleeping’. Yes, this is DOING. UNDOING of happening is in real sense DOING.While I was resolving to use these next 30 minutes in not doing any thing other than NOT DOING and jotting down my observations of NOT DOING, (this in real sense would be UNDOING (undoing of nature/ laws causing happenings) which is the only form of DOING. so far one lacks WILL) the nature grabbed me, for (ha! ha! well, I am serious, nature does try to punish you if you try to defy her) defying her, and made me ‘sleep walk’, since I got up mechanically, walked up and down the room, obviously, doing (ha! ha!) mechanical thinking. It is 7.30. The allocated 30 minutes for observations has passed in mechanical thinking, drinking water, tea and watching birds. While I was DOING (ha! ha!) I opened the doors opening into the lawns.“ A decides and B disposes”- how meaningful is this ancient saying. In the wake of my experience, I would like to add –“ and C does the opposite”. ‘I’ normally resolves to do something and end up in doing the opposite. Ha! Ha! I am trying to laugh out my pathetic self. Ha! Ha! Ha!My anger has subsided. But by turning it ‘inwards’, I succeeded in letting it not spoil my mood. Let it not consume my energies. Let it not consume ME (I hope SHE will register this in her mind), I feel better, though I have failed to use my anger more wisely. Some time from now, in the heat of the anger, I was in a mood to challenge the Mother Nature for a bout unto finish. And here I am so easy going. My success is partial. My UNDOING is partial. My DOING is partial.
I am currently Restless

Comments (0)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries