septem 2nd, 2001
11/01/2001 01:27 a.m.
It is 6.30 A.M. I just got up after waking up at 5.30 and as usual, living my death. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. I feel like shouting. I feel like hurling choicest abuses towards nature. The so-called Mother Nature. The evil (from my point of view). Why has she not provided me with some amount of WILL?Why has she enslaved me by chaining me to the laws?I know this out burst wont help. I know because I AM at least at this point of time. On the contrary this will prove detrimental. The anger and the effects of the anger will consume up all my energies. I shall be the only loser. I shall be thus serving the purpose of the nature by reacting. This will not be my doing.This would tantamount to just a happening and ‘I’s existence would just be a NOT.I decide to turn my anger ‘inwards’. I decide to use this ‘outflow’ of the energies for my own purpose, since it is always difficult to hold or save emotional drives. If I can cause the anger turn ‘inwards’, I know this will bring a qualitative change in the quality of the energies. This will provide a ‘shock’ transmuting the anger into a resolve. A negative all consuming energies into some thing real positive. One can DO this only if one is present, actively,watchful and not ‘sleeping’. Yes, this is DOING. UNDOING of happening is in real sense DOING.While I was resolving to use these next 30 minutes in not doing any thing other than NOT DOING and jotting down my observations of NOT DOING, (this in real sense would be UNDOING (undoing of nature/ laws causing happenings) which is the only form of DOING. so far one lacks WILL) the nature grabbed me, for (ha! ha! well, I am serious, nature does try to punish you if you try to defy her) defying her, and made me ‘sleep walk’, since I got up mechanically, walked up and down the room, obviously, doing (ha! ha!) mechanical thinking. It is 7.30. The allocated 30 minutes for observations has passed in mechanical thinking, drinking water, tea and watching birds. While I was DOING (ha! ha!) I opened the doors opening into the lawns.“ A decides and B disposes”- how meaningful is this ancient saying. In the wake of my experience, I would like to add –“ and C does the opposite”. ‘I’ normally resolves to do something and end up in doing the opposite. Ha! Ha! I am trying to laugh out my pathetic self. Ha! Ha! Ha!My anger has subsided. But by turning it ‘inwards’, I succeeded in letting it not spoil my mood. Let it not consume my energies. Let it not consume ME (I hope SHE will register this in her mind), I feel better, though I have failed to use my anger more wisely. Some time from now, in the heat of the anger, I was in a mood to challenge the Mother Nature for a bout unto finish. And here I am so easy going. My success is partial. My UNDOING is partial. My DOING is partial.
I am currently Pathetic

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septem 1st, 2001
10/31/2001 02:23 a.m.
Yesterday, I was out there, on that busy road, in the midst of the hustling bustling traffic, seemed to be always on the move, though never arriving anywhere. I was trying to hold my attention from jumping from one object to the other, out there. I was trying to hold my attention from jumping from the thought (which cropped up owing to the association with some object) to the other thought (which had association with the previous). Needless to say that I was in conflict with my other selves for keeping possession of my attentionintact. In the course of this struggle, I thought of trying to evolve some easy method for remaining alert and watchful so that I can keep my attention stuck to the present. In response a poem emerged, which I am redrafting hereunder:There’s a place out thereOver flowing with objectsI have associations withWithin.There are peopleThere are thingsThere are colorsThere are shapesThere are vibrationsOver and above,There are thoughts associatedWith these objects, externalThere are also thoughts, associatedWith these thoughts, associatedWith those objects.It is so overflowing.I have five senses-Five openings-As five bridges through whichThese associations without‘Invokes’ thoughts within.How do I hold myself withinFrom reacting to the without?How do I stop being lostAmidst the flow of thoughtsAssociated together?There’s an ‘I’ right hereObserving everythingI have no other course than toFix my attention to my selfEven if this ‘self’ of mineDecides to react to the out side.
I am currently Reflective

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august 31st, 2001
10/31/2001 02:02 a.m.
The beginning of my day today was yesterday, the same old story.I got up at around 5.30, did some mechanical thinking, struggled a bit and dozed off. It is 6.45 now and here I am sitting crossed legged, Indian style, holding my notebook in my lap, writing what I am writing. The only difference is that I am looking through just with one eye since my right eye is bandaged owing to removal of a boil from my eyelid yesterday evening. (I had to remind my self in order to write about my eyes that there can be other readers of my journal in time to come other than the only one I have to my disposal right now. Ha! Ha!)We have two legs, two kidneys, two lungs, two hands, two nostrils, two ears and two eyes but just one brain, one heart, one stomach and one little ‘that thing’.The creator (who ever that bloody fool is) is ( I hope he is still alive)a real thinker. Imagine the plight of this world with habitats with two brains? Imagine the state of the people with two hearts suffering from the virus popularly known as loveria? Think of the plight of the third world countries populated with people fighting among them selves for food with two stomachs. And well, I don’t want to imagine life in general (in the name of holy cow and all saints) with each of the man and each of the woman having ‘that thing’- TWO. Oh Brother! , forgive me, for I, the sinner, seek your forgiveness’.But my worry is different at this point of time (let the so-called creator take care of his problems). My worry is that I am simply slipping off. I am losing what ever little control I had regained in the last few days. My worry is that my mechanical ness is on the increase. I am happy that I am worried. This is the only proof I have that I am alive. (Though this is not sufficient.)It is 8AM. This means that I have virtually lost two and half hours doing nothing barring drinking water, reading news papers while sipping my tea and writing whatever little I have written. I failed to DO much because I WAS NOT.There is a machine programmed to react (operate) to externals. The machine is reacting to all kind of externals. The machine is being operated by all kind of externals. I NEED AN OPERATOR. I NEED TO BECOME AN OPERATOR This operator has to be alert every moment, from moment to moment, since the laws are at work all the time, since externals are always present. IF THEE’S AN ‘I’ THRE’S AN OPERATOR.There are numbers of mythological stories always depicting minor gods (the laws) trying to distract and cause disturbance to the saints who are deeply immersed in their SADHNA (meditation/ practice) in trying to become one with the God/attain inner unity on way to attaining the most sought after treasure- THE WILL. The better the quality of their practice, the more is the intensity of the disturbance and the distraction.Are these minor gods symbol of the LAWS? Are these LAWS nothing but theso-called symbolic DEMONS holding you from becoming ONE with the EVERY THINGGOOD (GOD)? One cannot attain every thing good unless one attains ONENESS. In other words - WILL.
I am currently Playful

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august 30th, 2001
10/29/2001 02:17 a.m.
I woke up, as usual, at 5.30. Did my mechanical thinking till 6.30. The only unusual thing about my mechanical thinking was that there was certain amount of intention in that. Needless to say that I did not get into any conflict with my mechanical selves. On the contrary I was fighting my externals, which were causing distraction, though there wasn’t much of distraction at this hour of time. I was full of concentration and it goes without saying that I derived immense pleasure doing my mechanical thinking with certain amount of so-called intention. Needless also to say that it was purely of erotic nature. Ican imagine HER laughing while reading this part of my journal entry. Another unusual aspect was that I did not doze off, seeing what I was seeing, even for a fraction of second. (Hey, YOU, will you please stop laughing now, since your laughter is distracting me – ha! ha!)This is 6.45 now. My mechanical selves again carried me away, though ofdifferent nature. The unfortunate part is that despite the absence of any intention, I failed to resist, put any amount of struggle. The sad part is that once out of my mechanical thinking, I observe a blankness engulfing me. I am feeling like discontinuing my journal writing at least for now. I am also feeling exhausted. Why?I think despite my so-called passive intentions, an hour of mechanical thinking has consumed all my energies.Why should I write my journal in my mornings only? Why can’t I write it at any other time during the day? Why can’t I write when I feel like writing?I know I am succumbing to the laws. When one starts talking of moods, one is succumbing to the laws. It’s a question of control. If it is you who controls the moods, its YOU. But if it is the mood (the law causes the mood), which controls you, it’s the LAW.‘My mood’ is an incorrect expression in the absence of any intentional ‘I’. If there isn’t any ‘I” how can ‘my mood’ be claimed as ‘my mood’. And if there’s a real permanent ‘I’, then there are no ‘moods’. There exists just a WILL, will of this ‘I’. The WILL of this ’I’ is its MOOD.
I am currently Bothered

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august 29th, 2001
10/28/2001 02:44 a.m.
This has been an hour of utter failure clubbed with lethargy, mechanical thinking (this includes some erotic images), dozing off and struggle. I am still struggling. I am still so tired and sleepy. Over and above my right eye is troubling me a lot. What I thought to be a tiny boil in the inside center of my right eyelid turned out to be a peanut size boil, which, it seems might open upa hole right through the eyelid- Ha! Ha! Ha! I imagined myself entertaining black sunglasses in order to not to allow people to look into my eyes right through this hole. I also thought of how SHE would react when she will read this journal entry of today. She can then (when she is here) look into my eyes right through this hole, even when I am asleep. Ha! Ha! Ha!This is 6.45 now and despite my laughter, I am feeling guilty. Guilty that I did not jump out of the bed the very moment I woke up. Guilty that I failed to hold up my mechanical thoughts from carrying me away. Guilty that I failed to get into the moment from moment to moment.Suddenly there’s a feeling as if I am missing something, which I, some how, know, but…I remember HER expressing the same feeling yesterday. She had had the same experience.This feeling is not new to me. This is always there when there is a struggle. I am missing something, which I know is right here, which is now. Here and now.Yes, as a matter of fact, I am missing here and now. This is something like as if I am on the verge of something and I am missing it though it is there. This feeling will pass away once when I am lost, carried away by my other selves. This feeling will also pass away once I am in the moment, ONE with this ‘here and now’. This feeling will also pass away once I stop running towards my own death, stop waiting for the next moment, stop waiting for the things to unfold.This feeling will pass away once I stop the world.There’s a survival instinct in all of us, which compels us to fight or flight in a stress situation. Paradoxically, there’s a death instinct too in all of us, which keeps us running towards our own deaths from the very moment we become aware of being alive. Our life, thus sums up into a run from life to death. Every moment (life) we want to be in the next (death) and when we are in the next, we wish to be in the next. Thus our run continues in death from death to death. We always seem to be waiting, waiting for our deaths. But we fail to wait here and now. (Death can never touch us here and now. This is the only moment weare sure death cannot touch us). We don’t want to stop. We will not let death struggle to over come us. We run towards it, making its job easy. We are easy preys. This is how the process of life becomes the process of death.I must stop this. I must stop my running. I must stop my anxieties. I must stop here and now, this very moment, in this very moment. This is the only moment I have. This is the only moment I want to BE. Just this.
I am currently Scattered

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august 28th, 2001
10/28/2001 02:39 a.m.
I woke up a bit early today. Did some mechanical thinking, but did not doze off. Interestingly, I got into conflict with my mechanical selves, though I was half asleep. I saw my attention shunting too and fro, from one mechanical thought to the other, from the present moment to the moments, once alluringly lived.I got really worried when my ‘dozing self’ woke up, as usual, and wanted to doze off, as usual. This made me more cautious, watchful and ‘alive’ but turned my dozing self bitter. My ‘dozing self’ produced a plausible argument-‘ its very cold, get into the quilt and doze off’. Fortunately and happily, in response, I got up, switched on the table lamp, turned off the AC, washed my face, drank my water (from the copper vessel), put on my kurta and thought ‘I must include morning walks along with some light exercises, particularly for my neck and shoulder (as a preventive measure for my cervical rib and spondylitis) as part of my morning routine’.It is 5.48. I am sitting in that Indian posture, my legs tucked under me, partly covered with a quilt, righting pad on my lap, writing what ever I am writing now.There are two things, which are trying to attract my attention. The Sun and a word -'external'. My bedroom verandah opens in the east and I can see the red glow of the sun on the horizon. And the thought is that nothing on this earth will exist without the suns existence. Another thought is that without the ‘externals’ (a constant cause of my distraction) we just cannot survive.I feel that I need to give some thought as to how to deal with my externals so as to not to allow them to become cause of my distraction. I need to give a thought right now. I need tea. I have to drink my water. It is 6.10 and I am walking towards my kitchen.It is 6.30 and I am back into my bedroom without any plausible answer, other than what I already know and which I have failed to apply. Suddenly I am tempted to add-‘so far’. Yes, ‘SO FAR’, I am so happy to add this. I feel so alive and hopeful. Everything on this earth needs impressions (vibrations) from the outer world in order to survive. I tree grows up because of the ‘levity it receives from theSun (and sticks to the earth because of the ‘gravity’ it receives from the earth.)(This levity and this gravity is so different than the levity and the gravity understood by the physicists.) If the Sun shall decide to stop vibrating, there will remain no life on this planet. Besides, we are not aware what kind of other vibrations we are getting from the outer world for our survival. We know that every thing in this universe is so interlinked and interdependent.Similarly, we wont be surviving if there wasn’t an external. Every thing external vibrates and vibrations are food for our survival. We receive this food in the form of impressions. It also helps us transmute the quality of the energies. A bad mood will convert into a good mood just because of a change in the quality of impressions. An intellectual state of mind will turn into an emotional state just because of an impression. What all I can think is of having control. And needless to say that one can nothave control unless one is ONE.” ‘A’ thinks and ‘B’ does just the opposite situation” won’t help. Living in the Moment alone can help us. Action and not reaction alone can forbid the external from causing distraction.
I am currently Reflective

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august 27th, 2001
10/27/2001 02:10 a.m.
Why is that I fail to get out of my bed despite waking up at around 5.30, everyday?There’s a suggestion (a self) registered (existing) inside of ME(oh! How many selves this bloody ME consists of), which has associationWith the place and the surroundings, which knocks the doors of my consciousness and wakes me up at the suggested time (and then goes back to sleep – ha! ha! ha! ).There’s another self, who is being woken up from a deep slumber and who doesn’t like being woken up, goes back to sleep. The one who wakes up goes to sleep. The one who is woken up too goes back to sleep. The one who wakes up at 6.30/7, grumbles- ha! ha! ha!.But I shall not grumble today. I shall do my best to trick out my grumbling self today. I am going to try and laugh my grumbling self out.The more ‘I’ grumbles, the more energy I am spending. The more this ‘I’grumbles, the more association this ‘I’ is creating. The more association this ‘I’ creates, the more this ‘I’ would recur. So, its better that I (when I am aware, observant and alive) nip this grumbling self in the bud. ( ha! ha! ha! ).The law of BOREDOM (this is the new name for the law of seven- ha! ha!) wants to have its toll. I am feeling like getting up. I am feeling like deviating from what I am doing now. I shall do my best to defy the onslaught of this law and stick to my journal entry.The law of repetition, clubbed with the law of associations, plays a very vital role in our lives. The more you repeat, the more it recurs. By repetition, the suggestion (self) gets reinforced. By repetition more associations are created.When I started smoking, I smoked one cigarette with a particular person at a particular place (space-time). My smoking got associated with that place and person. That place and person reminded me of my smoking. Since I liked smoking (owing to previous suggestions), I wanted to smoke more. More I smoked, more associations I created, which reminded me more of smoking. After years of smoking I created associations with almost every mood of mine, person, place, sound, color etc., got all this reinforced by repetition.I had to fight back this habit by using the same laws. I had to repeat my fight with my smoking self and win and by wining win all his associations. The ‘smoking associations’ thus became ‘the associations of fight for non-smoking’ and subsequently ‘the associations of non-smoking’ it self. Nothing reminds me of smoking these days, except one day and that is this day, the 27th of august, since I gave up smoking on this very day, last year.How am I going to celebrate this day? By smoking? By not smoking?Well, both have become meaningless now.I am celebrating this day by remembering my fight with my smoking self. I am celebrating this day by resolving to use the law of repetition clubbed with the law of associations, to get rid of the habits-good or bad. Good habit is as bad as bad, since you do not have any control.I am resolving to use this law of repetition clubbed with the law ofassociations, to remember to remember.
I am currently Silly

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august 26th, 2001
10/26/2001 05:01 p.m.
As usual, I woke up at around 5.30. Did some mechanical thinking and dozed off. It’s more or less like begetting, living a mechanical life and dying. How does it matter if you have lived your death lasting a so-called lifetime or a moment?A moment of LIVING is what shall count. Moments of SEEING/BEING/LIVING are what should be the basis of measuring a life span.Living cannot be beyond SEEING or BEING. LIVING is just a synonym.The nature seems to be so cautious that it did not leave any room for the crowd to gain CONTROL, to disrupt the nature’s scheme of things. And I do believe in this. This is the reason I believe that the knowledge can only be meant for the chosen few. The CROWD isn’t capable of handling knowledge.It is 7.20 now. The newspaper has arrived. I can hear the guard dropping it on the dining table.Reading newspapers is becoming a part of my habit these days. I recommenced reading it as an escape. And now it’s a habit. I must get into a conflict with this habitual self of mine. I must trick it out while I steal his association with the newspaper. I must.My newspaper reading self (nprs) is still ‘alive’ since it is trying to justify his reading habit. I have to be alert, remain actively watchful/wakeful. I am in a conflict. I might find myself reading newspaper the very next moment if I am not watchful. I have to be in a constant conflict with that self of mine with a predetermined decision that I am going to be the winner. One of the chosen I.This nprs of mine is either getting energies from the association (news papers) because of the associated ness or is it that the association opens up the energy accumulators because of the associated ness. I think I shall have to observe and ascertain. I know one thing and that is that if I am not alert and predetermined to turn out to be a winner, this nprs with his charge is capable of transporting me to the dining table where the newspapers are kept in the morning, effortlessly. I can feel the enthusiasm in my legs. A sort of etching.I am scared. I want control. I repeat my determination.I decide to walk up to the dining table. I shall not even glance at thenewspapers. I hope my nprs is not tricking me into reading instead of my trying to trick him. I shall remain alert.I am back intact. While I was in the dining room I peeped into the drawing room with a mechanical intention of getting on the Internet, hoping HER to be on lineIncidentally my nephew is on line. I will take my chance later. I witnessed energizing of yet another self owing to the association.My nprs is still ‘alive’ since he is coming up with arguments, in order to trick me into reading the newspapers. I ought to know what’s going on this world. At least I ought not to miss what’s going on this goddam town since I have so many landed interests in this place etc. Well, I counter all those arguments with ‘I prefer not missing myself than this goddamned world’ and it is not necessary for me to read the newspaper right now. I decide to read the newspaper while having my tea.There’s another law, which is always at work- the law of HEPTA……. (Vibration, Octave, Seven, change etc). Everything in the course of its movement changes its course. One starts a thing with enthusiasm and after a lapse of sometime this enthusiasm turns into Boredom.Lets call it the LAW OF BOREDOM (ha! ha! ha!). And I witnessed the effect of this law just now. I found myself getting up like a robot and walking towards the living room just out of the sheer Boredom Interestingly I found myself going up to the dinning table, glancing at the news paper, without touching them, remembering my resolve, turning back I am in conflict and I am happy that I am in the process of stealing the association of my nprs. Everytime now when thenewspaper will arrive I shall be in conflict with this nprs. There will be a constant struggle –‘to read or not to read’, till I make it absolutely meaningless. I have to ultimately come out triumphantly. I need this struggle, this conflict, with each of my selves, every moment till I become ONE.PS;My tea has arrived. My newspapers too. But I decide to drink my tea and complete writing my journal instead of reading newspapers.
I am currently Scattered

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