october 1st, 2001
11/13/2001 05:15 a.m.
I am feeling tired but not sleepy, though I hardly slept. I could sense my body fighting the infection. I was also busy fighting my ‘infectious selves’, infected with anger, intolerance, hopefulness and what not. I want to get rid of them once for all.
Besides, I am worried about her. So much. And she is too busy even to realize this.
I feel like I am assuming her self. I feel like expressing for her self.

I am too busy these days
To realize that I am too busy
These days.
I am too busy to take inventory of
What my gains are
What are my loses
I am too busy to SEE
What’s becoming of ME.
I am too busy to know
That I do not know
What’s becoming of ME.

I go wherever
Ups and downs of my life
take me
My life situation
fixes up me
I don’t fix up anything
I don’t have the time to question
If I am alive
I don’t think I shall have time to
Cry tears, if I die






I am currently Tired

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septem 30th, 2001
11/13/2001 05:12 a.m.
I am in the middle of the night, 3 AM to be exact, and shivering despite being covered by two thick quilts. My wife was generous enough to shut down the air conditioner despite complaining of the heat. I can sense my body fighting the infectious viruses. I can feel the conflict going on inside me. I am not happy a person right now and I am happy about it.
Tom said that I should feel grateful for what he and my family did to me when I was abroad. My Mom went to places claiming that I was in league with some religious sect abroad, which kept me away from my duties and my faith.
But why am I mad at them for saying what they said?
Did I expect anything else from them?
Do I still have any hopes left?
Can I change them?
I can only change myself
By stopping to react and
By treating them as NOBODY.
I should know better that the crowd has to be treated like a crowd and spoken in their language. I should have known that:

The crowd always takes you for granted
When they feel secure
Keep them on tenterhooks.

The crowd always treats you like a disposable
When you are easily accessible
Keep them on tenterhooks

The crowd always reacts to their needs, fears and situations
You act to your need, their fears and situations
Keep them on tenterhooks

Don’t feel hurt for the crowd can never change
Pity them and keep aloof
Keep them on tenterhooks

The only course is to bring a change in you
By not reacting to them
And keeping them on tenterhooks.

But why am I talking all this. I don’t think this has any meaning any more. Words have started losing its meaning.

The word doesn’t mean anything in it self
It’s the mean-er who gives meaning to it
The meanest can become the greatest
The greatest might become mean.


The words are losing their meaning
Shall I now opt for the wordlessness?
To speak for me.

The words are failing to transcend
The threshold of the intelligence
Do I keep them uttering
Or shall I stop
And let the wordlessness speak for me
To her
To me.

I have decided to use words
Seldom
I am afraid
They might stop registering their presence felt.



I am currently Reflective

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septem 29th, 2001
11/13/2001 05:10 a.m.
I wasn’t in god shape when I returned from my office at 7 in my evenings. My body was aching, particularly my shoulders, arms and legs. I had a severe headache and my acidity level was high. My eyes were burning, watery and I was feeling dizzy. I was scheduled to meet a friend on line at 7.30. I decided to relax a bit so that I sounded comfortable and good, when on line.
One of my close acquaintances appeared uninvited at 7.15. I was left with no choice then to entertain him, though I was anxious if I could sustain that hour without his knowing about the state of my health. I was, all along, worried that I might fall unconscious and if that happens that would be shameful. After all I was dizzy. I went to my bed room conscious of my walking, took a pill of high Blood pressure and returned auto suggesting my self that I will remain alert and watchful and I shall not let me down.
My discomfort and painfulness went ten folds in the beginning as a result of my trying to remain watchful. But when I succeeded in becoming one with the pain and the discomfort, it wasn’t bothering me despite being there. It was as if I was the pain and nothing mattered.
A mosquito landed on the back of my palm and bit me while we were discussing the world affairs, as part of my entertaining him, though disinterestedly. I watched the bloody fellow in my alertness, from moment to moment, injecting the infectious fluid inside my skin on the back of my palm.
I waited on my friend, I hinted my friend, to depart early. Either he failed to register the suggestion or refused to take the cue. He left at 9pm.
After a short bath and a reluctant light dinner I retired to my bed. The real story of my discomfort starts from here. The moment I lied down in my bed I realized that I was sick and my uneasiness, my heaviness, pains and aches were all on the increase. Over and above, I was sure that I was suffering from malaria since I was shivering and I was sure I was having fever too.
My uneasiness was acute. My heart was sinking. I was damn sure that I was to have a heart attack in the course of the night. I had a peculiar sensation in my head and I was also sure that if I will survive heart attack I wont be able to survive brain hemorrhage. I was totally in the grip of fear.
I told my wife that I was dying. In response she said that I should stop talking nonsense and let her sleep. Bitterly I said, OK, you may have a sweet sleep woman but you are bound to wake up a widow next morning. I also asked her to not to inform my cosmic wife of my demise, all of a sudden and to tell her in due course that I was worried about her in my last moments. Also that I shall be waiting for her in my next life (if there’s any) and she should ascertain where to be begotten since I don’t want her to take birth 170000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 miles away from me.
Fear always procreates fear. Fear always projects fear. And I was under the tight grip of fear.
But one of my selves, who have association with fear, got energized and became alert. He decided that he would not surrender easily. ‘I’ decided to remain alert and watchful so that I can remain ‘alive’ and defy death when it punches her last blow. I was sure I would avoid that blow. I instantly fell in a sort of moment-to-moment state despite my discomfort, despite the pain and uneasiness.
In the course of my moment to moment state I realized, and realized in peacefulness that:

1. What is going to happen shall happen and my being present and watchful can alone help me avoid the happening if I ever succeeded in avoiding it. I remembered my cosmic wife telling me of a definite car accident she could avoid only because she was in a state of Moment to Moment.
2.
I really do not know as to what actually is going to happen. My fears are my projections and projections of my fear. I may not die today. Instead I may die of a car accident, or of a building collapse, tomorrow, I am not aware of yet. So, the best course in such a state would be to remain alert and watchful so that if there’s a car accident or a building collapse or any other cause, taking place tomorrow, I can avoid it like my cosmic wife did once.
3. Fearlessness can alone defy fear and bring desired results. Fearlessness is an ACT where as Fearfulness is a REACTION. When my cosmic wife decided to Act in fearlessness, no body could stop her from reaching me all the way from Centauri.

And suddenly I realized I was laughing. Yes, I was laughing loudly. I was laughing on myself. On my idiocity. My laughter detached me from my scared self.
I am happy that my laughter did not wake up my wife. She definitely would have called for aid, thinking that I have gone insane. I was never so healthy in the course of the day as I was now despite my uneasiness, despite my discomfort.



I am currently Strong

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septem 28th, 2001
11/13/2001 05:07 a.m.
It has been virtually 30 minutes and I am still struggling as to from where to start. I know this term ‘struggle’ isn’t the right kind of an expression since struggle denotes some kind of an action where as my struggle has been passive. I was supposed to pick up a floating though and start writing my journal but I found that I was disinterested.
More over there was blankness. A passive kind of silence. A silence without a magnetic field.
I have always been advocating silence. But the state of silence, which I have experienced and I advocate and always long for, is an active state. A silence which produces a magnetic field which can draw data’s from your inner world, transform thoughts into idea’s, which can bring forth knowledge without words, which can transmit and receive messages from others.
One can pick up a word, floating in that magnetic field, and see the result. See the flow of thought associated with that word. The word on its own elaborates into a sentence and a sentence into a Para. This can happen even when all your centers are not properly linked. The quality of these thoughts and writings are different than one writes ordinarily. Early hours of the morning are always better since our mind and body are relaxed. The first and foremost condition for the centers to link is that all your muscles be in a relaxed state.
But despite a much desired seven hours sound sleep I feel blank and passive. Though much better than I was yesterday. I haven’t gone out of my house since last two days. May be I lack impressions. I definitely lack energies.
I also observe a peculiar kind of a disinterest, aloofness inside me. I feel estranged to my surrounding. I do see some thoughts floating through my silence but my aloofness holds me from picking and jotting them down, stops me from intentional elaborating.
This state isn’t new to me despite its peculiarness.This will pass away even if I leave it to the laws. But this time I am not leaving it to the laws alone. Because I have decided to not to let me get lost. I will do my best to not to let me get lost.






I am currently Better

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septem 27th, 2001
11/13/2001 05:04 a.m.
I am empty, exhausted and tired but definitely not sleepy though I hardly slept, last night. This is because I was and I am angry. Angry with my self. I am doing my best to turn my anger inwards, to my advantage. I am trying my best to use my anger to push myself a bit deeper so that I feel attached to my external in a detached manner. I am trying to use my anger to get rid of my anger once and for all.
Anger is an invariable reaction when one feels irked by something, which is not of one’s liking. Anger is a CROWD thing. Every person on this earth reacts in anger when he feels irked by a situation not of his liking. An INDIVIDUAL ought to SEE this because he ought to change positions and SEE. When he SEE’s he KNOWS. And when he KNOWS he ought to fight his CROWD.
My anger is owing to my failure. I was angry last night because I felt irked. My CROWD FELT irked. Now I am angry that I was angry. Anger is the same; I have just turned it inwards. As an INDIVIDUAL, I ought not to react. I must stop feeling angry. I must get rid of the violence from inside of me.
I am feeling sad now.
Why every one on this earth gets angry? Why can’t they SEE that it were not their logical deduction to get angry? Why cant they SEE that they just couldn’t hold feeling angry. Why cant they SEE that they do not have any control? Why cant they SEE that they do not have any control over the adverse situation, the cause of the anger? But they all justify their anger as if it was intentional and need of the hour. Why cant they SEE?
Why can’t they stop justifying? Why can’t they fight?
I KNOW they cannot SEE. I know they will keep on justifying. They cannot change or adopt different positions and try and SEE every thing from different angles. I KNOW they cannot get into other layers of awareness and SEE. They are not capable of SEEing beyond what they have been programmed for. They are not capable of programming themselves. They are not capable of deprogramming them selves. They are not capable because they are CROWD and they are capable of justifying their CROWD. They cannot even see that it’s their programming which compels them to justify the crowd and not they. And I cannot even call them a CROWD because they will feel irked and in return call me the same. And in any case my calling them a CROWD wont help them.
They are in a jail and they are not aware of this fact. They are also not aware of the fact that they can only meet the jailor out side the jail and they can only do this by defying the jail. Defying the jail means defying the laws of the jail since one cannot attain liberation unless one is out of the jail.




I am currently Tired

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septem 26th, 2001
11/13/2001 05:03 a.m.
I have decided to pray to the GOD. My GOD has to be THE GOD, beyond all the so-called gods, created by the crowd, of the crowd, for the crowd.
The question, which is bothering me right now is, how do I start my prayers. Every member of the crowd will laugh at my dilemma, make fun of me, and ridicule me. They have all been praying their gods all through their lives and there has been absolutely no dilemma what so ever as to how to start a prayer. THEY (the crowd) can pray as and when they want and go and hurt their neighbors the very next moment. They can even ask for god’s blessings for the murder they are under contractual obligation. they can pray and rape, rape and pray. No body can stop a potential murderer, a potential rapist, a potential persecutor, and a potential warmonger to pray. Even god can’t stop them. And they do not have any dilemma what so ever as to how to start a prayer.
But I am in dilemma as to how to start my prayers.
I have decided to not to be concerned with the crowd since it’s my decision to pray.
Shall I simply petition the god or shall I repeat what I intend to pray and ask for? Shall I do it in silence or shall I repeat loudly?
I have seen members of the crowd praying, in silence and not being present, by repeating their prayers hundreds of times while thinking of something else, and all the time wanting to hurry through their prayers, deceiving their gods. Can the crowd stop thinking of what he was thinking while praying? CAN HE?
Can he hold his attention from being carried away by his thoughts associated with objects external? CAN HE?
CAN ONE PRAY IF ONE IS NOT?
In any case, I have decided to not to be concerned with the crowd. I have decided to pray to the god and I shall pray.
There’s another dilemma bothering me right now. What am I going to pray?
Shall I start with praising him like I find in many prayers and then ask for what I want to ask for? Is it me seeking something from the god or is it god seeking my praise? God SEEKING PRAISE FROM THE crowd?
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
I know of many prayers, which start with, oh! God, you are this, you are that, please give me this.
Well, I have decided to avoid buttering god. Instead I will straight away come to the point and pray and ask what I want to ask. I shall stick to what I want from HIM.
I have decided to tell and ask HIM- I want to pray you my God. Help me pray you my Lord.
Unfortunately I know that this cannot become my prayer just by my repeating it and reciting it ten thousands times. I shall have to experience my prayers, not mechanically but with my body, my mind, my feelings and my soul (if I have any).
When I say- I want to… I must think and realize every thing about my ‘I’, rather ‘I’s’, the fact that this ‘I’ resolving to prayer is just a weak thought and in order to strengthen it what I must do. I must know and realize that this weak praying ‘I’ will be replaced by some other ‘I’, some other thought and so on. HOW IS ONE TO PRAY IF ONE IS NOT ONE. HOW IS ONE TO PRAY IF ONE DOESN’T HAVE A REAL ‘I’ BUT MULTITUDE OF ‘I’S’, PETTY, CLAMOROUS AND CONTRADICTORY.
But I want to pray. One of my selves has decided to pray. My dilemma right now is what am I to do, when I will be not me, not the ‘I’ who has resolved to pray but some body else not wanting to pray? Wanting something else? What will I do when, while I am praying, some other petty ‘I’, thinking of what I am to get in dinner, will replace me? What am I to do when, while praying, some of my hurt ‘I’s’ will rake up some hurt feelings and start abusing my persecutors?
I know I will be lost. I will be not. I will not be praying.
It goes without saying that if I want to pray I shall have to BE. Be a man and not automata, not multitude of ‘I’s’. I want to BE who can DO, who can perform a prayer.
In order to BE, I shall have to remember. I shall have to remember the resolve that I HAVE TO be IN ORDER TO PRAY.
I MUST REALIZE THAT HOW LITTLE WE REMEMBER WHAT WE DECIDE. We decide something and simply forget. I shall have to remember that we simply forget because we are not one. We should be able to reflect on every word of the prayer and its meaning. Our limitations, our shortcomings and how to come over our limitations and our shortcomings. Words lose meaning when they are repeated or sung mechanically.

“ God have mercy upon me”- This is mans appeal to God. His petition.
But one must think when one prays as to what God is and what he is? Is he worthy of God? Is he worth that the god should take notice of him, think of him? What is that in him that is worth thinking about, worth taking notice of? What he must do to become worthy of gods notice? And these thought will precisely bring the change in him what prayers will. These thoughts will precisely do to him what he is praying the god to do to him.
It would be absolutely ridiculous if a thief, instead of fighting his evil, would pray to god- “ god have mercy upon me”.
On the contrary he will become worthy of a prayer when he gets into conflict with his evil self.
God have mercy upon me.


I am currently Crafty

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septem 25th, 2001
11/13/2001 04:56 a.m.
She wants me to continue writing my journal.
She thought I needed some kind of an ‘encouragement’.
She was perturbed that I was perturbed.
She wanted to ‘please’ my mood.
And I just couldn’t tell her that I wanted something more than just ‘encouragement’.

There were two reasons I commenced writing my so-called journal. I had always wanted to start my day with this ‘exercise in writing’ since I believe that this helps in improving the quality of concentration. More over, it helps me watch myself in conflict with my other selves in silence, while my body, through my hand (with the pen moving on the paper) tries and connect it self to my mind and brings forth all the available data’s related to the thought of the day, by linking all of my centers. In this process, on the one hand, the thought converts into ‘IDEA’ and on the other, the presence of my presence intensifies, while my internal conflict with my selves helped in attaining inner unity, the most important ingredient in attaining some sort of a WILL in the long run.
The second reason was that that I was basically writing for her. This was, as if I was talking to her, sharing with her and this was the ‘driving force’, which kept on driving me to write, what little and whatever I wrote, despite the external disturbance.

There were two reasons that forced me to discontinue writing. One is that in the absence of a ‘permanent I’, my I’s were subject to the LAW OF CHANGE (also known as the law of HEPTAPARAPARSHINOKH or the law of deviation/ chance/ seven/ eight/octave) which started metamorphosing my enthusiasm into boredom. The other reason was that the ‘driving force’ was not forth coming. She seemed disinterested. Swayed.

I could not tell her that I will defy any law if she kept on providing me the required quantity of the DRIVING FORCE. I WILL is only possible if WE WILL. WE WILL is only possible when she refuses to ‘sway’.







I am currently Reflective

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septem15th, 2001
11/13/2001 02:35 a.m.
I am feeling helpless. I have never felt helplessness so intense.I am dying and I am helpless. I am helplessly seeing myself helplessly dying.Another painful aspect of this helplessness is that I am seeing her die helplessly. I am SEEING the laws taking its course. I am seeing the evil eating her alive.
Will she ever understand this?
How am I going to defy the evil without her?
She is ‘stuck up’ in ‘words’. She is ‘stuck up’ in the ‘parroted’ interpretation of the ‘words’- Hell, Eternity, Sin and what not. She is being struck hard by the ‘crowd’ this time. She is not prepared to transcend them this time. She is not prepared to SEE through those ‘words’ this time. She is not prepared to behave like a ‘chosen few’ this time. But the point is why is she feeling so helpless? Do I remind her of the easy ‘passage’ she has between her conscious and subconscious? Will she understand me? Will she believe me in this changing situation?
The law of vibration (deviation) is taking its own toll. We could defy it so many times in the last eighteen months. But, individually, it seems so difficult now. She has decided to offer her as prey to the laws and I am feeling so helpless.
Now the ‘greatest will turn into ‘lowly’
The most’ beautiful’ into ‘ugly
The ‘words’ in itself will become ‘meaningful’
The ‘meaning’ will go into ‘oblivion’ The parrots shall survive
The ‘chosen few’ shall die. How does a ‘herdsman’ control his ‘flock’?
How does he ‘communicate’ with the ‘sheep’s’?
In what ‘language’?
How does he generate fear in them?
Will he address to the ‘chosen few’ in the same language and with the same matter as that of the herd?
Will the ‘flock’ ‘understand’ the ‘language’ meant for the ‘chosen few’?
How would he decide who the ‘chosen few’ is?
How would he differentiate between the ‘sheep’ and ‘a chosen one’?
I wish she starts SEEING once again.
I wish that she could SEE that she can be with her God while being in the moment.
I wish she could SEE that she can fill herself with her God in the moment alone, while being in the moment alone and not when she is ‘somewhere else’.
I wish that she is aware of the fact that ‘parrots are parrots’ and not ‘guides’ ‘alighting’ the path leading to the ‘heaven’.
I wish WE survive and live in the BLISS all through the ‘eternity’.
I am currently Helpless

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septem 14th, 2001
11/13/2001 02:23 a.m.
Yesterday was a bad day from my perspective in an isolated way. It began, as usual, with my journal writing, which I failed to complete. Acute pain in my shoulders, I think, was the cause. Or was it the cause of my justification of not being able to complete my journal entry? My workers, with whom I was scheduled to work till midday, on my incomplete sphinx construction, did not turn up. I was tired and sleepy and despite this I went to my office in order to complete the draft of the incomplete legal document, which I did not do. I behaved like a dog while reacting on god. I went on over reacting while askingher to not to react. I refused to listen to her despite knowing and despite her pleas that how lonely she would feel if I would not listen to her.I made her sad and ended up in utter sadness myself. My day ended with me playing host to guests who talked and talked non-stop and I listened to them without listening.I can see her sad face. I can see how cruel I become when I speak in a matter of factly tone. I caused her immense pain. And now I am being consumed by the burnt of that pain. She must be feeling so lonely. I can feel her loneliness right inside me right now.But why did I behave the way I did? Why did I lose my patience? Why did I become so heartless? Why was I over reacting?The constant pain in my shoulders can be the cause of my distraction and loss of concentration but not my behavior pattern. The CROWD SITUATION like this (in the wake of the terrorist attack in America) was forcing me ‘in’ all day than forcing me to react.Then what?
I think the frustration is taking its toll.
And I don’t need any God.
I am currently Reflective

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septem 13th, 2001
11/13/2001 02:21 a.m.
I made her angry for a while, yesterday. A CROWD inside ‘her’ was her HER yesterday. A CROWD inside her was REACTING. A CROWD inside her was not listening. A CROWD inside her was rambling. A CROWD inside her ‘thought’, for what it thought, that she thought and that she was right. But there was an INDIVIDUAL inside her, who heard me. This INDIVIDUAL, has an association with me. I felt happy that the CROWD inside her wasn’t strong enough as to not ‘allow’ her INDIVIDUAL to ‘show up’. She was ‘two’, in conflict, when I left her. I wasn’t sure as to how long her INDIVIDUAL will survive in a CROWD SITUATION like this. This is for this reason that I made her promise to not to REACT. I did what I could to create an association in her with ME, to associate this thought that she would not react, whenever she is in a CROWD SITUATION. I also hoped that she would ‘reinforce’ this association by repeating her promise.The CROWD invariably gets into a ‘murderous mood’ in a situation like this.The CROWD wants blood for blood in a situation like this.The CROWD REACTS and when it reacts, transmitting the same ‘thought’, the atmosphere starts getting ‘charged’. This charge starts charging those who are slow in reacting. The CROWD will thus become ONE, charged with energies which, the knowledgeable claims, is required by the nature for its own survival. The CROWD thus is just a tool in the hands of nature. The evil nature FEEDS on the CHARGE generated by the crowd in a CROWD SITUATION like this.The CROWD shall never know this. They are incapable of knowing. They are incapable of doing. They are incapable of performing any ACT. They can just react to a situation. This is what they have been doing all through their history.This is the reason they ‘fix up’ their own history by fixing the causes for any effect in the future. This is the reason that what is happening is a happening and nothing else can happen.I just want to remain a witness.I want her to remain a witness.
I am currently Reflective

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