Even in tragedy....
05/27/2004 03:36 a.m.
God is GOOD!

Today, as we were saying our final goodbye's to Andrew, we learned through Life Gift (I think that was the name of the organization, I was a bit beside myself with emotion when we were told)that 3 other children's lives were saved and prolonged through Andrew's passing.

A 3 yr old here in Houston received his heart. A 2 yr. old received his liver.... and another 3 yr old received both of his kidneys. We were suprised, and overjoyed at the last news, as Andrew was in the beginning of renal failure when they were taking him off life support.

His cornea's were also donated, to give sight to someone as well.

I hope and pray, as do Andrew's entire family, that these children will someday come to know Christ as their Saviour, and understand the faith and love that enabled their family to give these gifts.
I am currently Exhausted

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Saying Goodbye again...
05/26/2004 02:19 a.m.
Last year I said goodbye to my grandmother and my great-aunt... now I am trying to say goodbye to my nephew. This is SO much harder!

Grandma had been virtually bedridden for months, and almost debilitated by Parkinson's and Alzheimer's...she was released from a body that was uncooperative...

My great-aunt had battled cancer twice before, she was at peace and was anxiously awaiting eternity.

My nephew... was just barely 3 years old. He was an extremely active (ADD is in my family) 3 yr old, always into mischief, he could always find a way into places he wasn't supposed to be into... and to see him, lying lifeless and still... it was so hard, so very hard.

Being a Christian, I have faith and hope, I will see him again, but missing him here and now.. witnessing what his parents are being put through right now... it tears my heart to pieces...

Precious Andrew, little one, your memory remains strong although your life light has been extinguished.
I am currently Sad

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Thank you
05/23/2004 02:56 p.m.
I can't begin to express my gratitude to all of you who have reached out to me with words of comfort this past week.

Thank you for all of your prayers, and your continued prayers as we still await the opportunity to say our final goodbyes to Andrew.

Sallie, Mara, Que, Keri, Paul, Bob, Alex, Mike, Michelle, JD and so many others... for letting me know you had us in your thoughts and prayers... it has helped to keep me strong in this very difficult time.


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How much time...
05/21/2004 06:43 p.m.
does it take to heal from the death of a child?
How do you find comfort?
And God forgive me for feeling bitterness and resentment and finding fault, instead of compassion.

I was wrong, knowing more details about how it happened hasn't helped much. There are still more questions... and I'm afraid to face my family and in-laws when the funeral time comes, because I'm afraid that it will show on my face.

Andrew, you're in a wonderful place, surrounded by love and light that I can't comprehend. But there is a huge, gaping hole in my heart. I didn't even get to spend much time around you, to know you or become close, but you had such an outgoing personality, your enthusiasm was contagious, if sometimes tiring. I imagine you are leading a rousing game of tag right now... singing the loudest choruses, and doing everything with all the gusto that your little body couldn't contain.

God help me heal quickly.
I am currently Helpless

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Universal Vibrations
05/19/2004 07:53 p.m.
I've always tended to have an intuition or sixth sense about somethings...I didn't pay too much attention to it other than to be aware of it. Sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's a curse... dreading what might possibly be triggering those "feelings" that come over me.

Yesterday I had a horribly strong vibration. I got off of the phone and it was like a cold chill of dread spread through my shoulders, up my neck and down my back.

I told a few people about it, including my father... that I knew something was going to happen, but I wasn't sure what... That my feeling was it was a "person"al thing, that something was going to happen to someone I know, friend, family, someone I had contact with, but I wasn't sure exactly what, and that it could be a major life thing... I figured it was either a) something to do with my parents and their marriage/divorce situation b)it would be to do with one of my male friends or c) (what I hoped for) it would be several piddly, rather major nuisance issues that would elevate my stress level to an unbelievable height again.

Until two hours ago, I had just about convinced myself that option c was the case.

Two hours ago I received a phone call to pray for one of my nephews. He had drowned in the bathtub and they were still trying to resucitate him. 45 minutes ago, I got word that he was breathing, with a ventilator and was in a comma. For those medically minded people that might venture to read my journal... He was unconcious for 40 minutes and his blood pH is 6.5, they are trying to elevate it to 7.0. He was enroute to Tx. Children's Hospital in Houston. Thank GOD that we live in a major metroplex with renowned medical facilities!

There are a lot of people doing a LOT of praying still. Faith tells me that he will recuperate with little or no noticable affects.

I know that I will NEVER again try to shrug off those feelings.
I am currently Detached

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Merely existing
05/12/2004 05:49 p.m.
That's how my life feels right now... Wake up, get dressed, wrestle and argue with the boys to get them dressed, take them to school, go to work, put in my time, help students as I can, and pray to God one of them doesn't push me too far and I lose my "professionalism" and tell them in the language the DO understand what I think of their antics...

and baseball... I want the rest of our games this week to be rained out. I feel like a terrible person/mom for saying that, but I just don't want to be spending time at the ball park putting up with the "politics" and narrow, nosey minds around there when there are other things I'd rather be doing.

Maybe next week my attitude will be different. Maybe it's just the clouds/rain/humidity/weather that is affecting my outlook.
I am currently Gloomy

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If only...
05/10/2004 05:38 p.m.
I didn't have to be at work today... I would while away the hours thinking about you, remembering your kiss and the salty taste of your skin against my lips.

I didn't have so much stress in my life.... I might be better able to control my bad/self-destructive habits of the moment and focus my energies in a more positive direction.

the rain falling outside my window could put out the fire burning inside my chest... I might be able to eat a decent/real meal for the first time in weeks without spending hours in torture and torment.

If only I weren't in such a gooberish mood... this journal entry might actually make sense to someone besides me!
I am currently Stupid

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Reflecting...
05/10/2004 02:50 a.m.
Last night was the first time I've gone out to a club with friends in about 12 years... It wasn't as exciting as I remembered it, although it wasn't as terrible as other experiences (having a dental extraction, passing kidney stones, etc. lol) It wasn't that bad really, I just got bored with it quickly.

I got there about 8 pm and left with a friend around 10... several phone calls were made after our departure... doesn't take long for people to start getting their nose into other's business. We almost went back around midnight... we were actually in the parking lot, but saw several people (among them people who were making the inquiring phone calls)... seems that by leaving early we missed out on witnessing a drinking contest, some dirty dancing, etc... nothing all that exciting I guess.

This next week should be interesting around the ball park, interesting to see how these inquisitive "adults" react and conduct themselves.
I am currently Reflective

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Lunch Dates
05/06/2004 05:55 p.m.
Today I finagled my conference period (55 minutes) and lunch (25 minutes) to run together... so I was off from 11:20 to 12:40, although I was back at work by 12:30.

It was GREAT! I went to the credit union, got some money and met a (male) friend for lunch and conversation at a sandwich shop across the street from my school!

I simply MUST make it a point to do this more often!

Oh and this is Teacher Appreciation week... today they brought all sorts of fattening sweets for dessert!

Now I have an adrenaline and sugar rush! Watch OUT!
I am currently Flirty

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Trying to find the right balance
05/05/2004 03:26 a.m.
*This is personal reflection on dealing with BP/ADHD with my child. Sometimes it helps me to be able to go back and see the steps in the journey*

it seems that life is all about trying to find balance... between work and home, children and personal needs, etc., but when the imbalance is in a person, it's so much more difficult.

My oldest was diagnosed ADD/ADHD last year. Ritalin instantly made a difference in his attention and activity, but moods and other behaviors continued to escalate. A few months ago his pediatrician decided he needed a more in depth evaluation... he is now being treated for BP disorder.

I am a teacher, I work with children with special needs, from emotional disturbances, to learning disabilities, autism, etc.... As a teacher I don't fully understand all of the disabilities of all of my students, but I try to learn more, and understand.

As a parent I see other teachers with a total disregard for the difficulties my child has, and some of these teachers have extensive background and training dealing with emotionally disturbed children etc...

Today, my son had his second appt. with the nurse at the psychiatrist's office. His blood work came back and one of the enzymes or chemicals in his blood is still pretty low.. normal is 4.0 to 12.0, he was at 5.8 after a week of his new meds. The Dr. will probably increase his dosage... please dear Lord, let him get a better balance soon! I'm beginning to think I need to be medicated to deal with him every day!

It is so difficult for me to deal with... I love my child and while I realize he has an imbalance, and can't control EVERYTHING he does, it seems like he has more control than he exercises and that he is trying to manipulate and control my life with his misbehavior... ie, he knows that if he's acting out repeatedly my mom won't watch him, and she's the only babysitter I have at the time, so if I don't have a babysitter I can't have time to myself...ARGH! It's so frustrating at times!

I love my children, both of them, but sometimes it's so hard to show it!
I am currently Frustrated

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