Where am I going?
12/11/2001 05:13 a.m.
A question I often ask myself.
"Where am I going?"
Often it is while I'm behind the wheel, as I come out of some kind of daze that has been gripping me more and more lately. For all I know, I could have run over several children while I was in a daze, but I doubt it.
Other times I ask myself this because I have no clue what I want to do with my life. So many others around me have their careers planned and their lives mapped. I can't even find the damn compass to figure out which direction I'm headed in. I have no ambition to continue in any direction for very long, even on the express-way. Which makes getting places difficult. Sometimes I think maybe I'm on auto pilot and the man behind the wheel in my brain is off screwing the flight attendant in a cramped bathroom.
I don't know what the hell I'm saying either. Words won't come out straight and when they are actual words they make no sense in the way I say them.

Ah forget it, I'm tired.
I am currently Indifferent

Comments (0)

Tonight, Tonight
12/07/2001 03:52 a.m.
My classes are winding up and I probably wont ever see a lot of the people in these classes. The last couple days I've tried like hell to work up the nerve to ask some of the girls I've thought were cute for their phone numbers, but I didn't. Each time I just grab my bag, hang around for a second and just decide it's not even worth it, so I leave.
It's just so much easier to just not. No rejection, no more hurt feelings, (which I'm pretty sure I don't need), and no questioning myself, "Why not me?"
Sure I may not get the chance I may have to get to know one of these girls, but I just look at it like I probably wouldn't get to know them anyway.
Oh well.

In other news, I got new tires on my car, I know it's real exciting, but please, hold the applause. I'm hoping the new tires will help me not almost get killed this winter. No, sliding down hills and through stop signs are not my idea of holiday fun, but thanx anyway.

I want next semester to start, not so I can start my next installment of stupid classes, but so I can get the left over Aid money and get my new tattoo! It is so bad ass looking! Rrrraaaaah!
It's a guy, croutched with his knees up to his shoulders (sitting) and his head is facing down between his knees, his left arm is holding his left leg and his right arm is on the back of his neck. And he is sitting inside a heart. and both him and the heart are on fire. He has much more subtle flames then the heart, but its just so damn cool. Three people have already asked me for a copy of it.
I'm gonna get it on my chest, around my heart.
The meaning behind it took me awhile to phrase just right and I still haven't got it completely squared away but here it goes.
The guy is me, and I am trapped inside my own heart or feelings. I think because I'm a poet I feel things more deeply, which is good in some ways, but bad in others. So, I am trapped and burning and all I can do is curl up and wait for something to come along and put out the flames.
Do you get it?
My first answer to "What does it mean?" came out too fast and I didn't think it over at all, but that answer was,
"Love Sucks"
I admit it is kind of a cool thing that I could have written under my tattoo, but that's not all it is.
I don't want everyone to think the only reason I am getting this was because I was shit on by the only person I've ever really loved, but there is more to it than just that.
I think I'll stop there. Later
I am currently Detached
I am listening to My mom's radio, muffled through her door

Comments (0)

Today was the day
12/03/2001 07:02 p.m.
Well, today was the day I was suppose to have my first real therapy session. I went to bed kind of looking forward to getting this help that I guess I need.
And I woke up before my alarm went off and just laid there. I felt good to know that I was going to get help for the things I don't like feeling.
Well, the phone rang. I heard my mom talking, and then she walked to my door and I knew what she was going to say before she said it.
"Ryan, your appointment is cancelled."

Now, I have barely told anyone I started therapy, and I don't know if they told her what it was for, so that just made me all the more upset.

So my good day fell apart, before I even got out of bed, what a great way to start the week.
I am currently Disillusioned

Comments (0)

"May health and happiness come to you on swift wings" and other
11/30/2001 06:52 p.m.
Once more she emails me, to say thank you, for actually replying. And to give me more bs about how she feels, sorry for this, regrets that. It seemed strange to me, she has got her closure/release of guilt, why does she continue? More of how she wasn't lying before, just at the end, like I should believe that. And that she wishes I would have expressed the love I "proclaim" to feel before we broke up, even though she says it probably wouldn't have helped and I agree with that.
She then gives me her take on why I shouldn't be mad a someone who lied to me. Says that its her fault really and I shouldn't be mad at the other. I laughed at that, because it made me realize that she is basically saying that this person chose her over me. Or at least that's how it sounded.
Still she writes and I wait to get to the real reason she is writing.
And it presents itself at the bottom of the email, tacked behind a quaint ByTheWay: you know that stuff you have of mine, is it still intact or did you break it?
Gee, does throwing stuff off the Mackinaw Bridge count as breaking it?
I guess it would still be intact, at the bottom of a lake, might be a little wet, but hey inact is intact.

Ah, I can imagine that. Standing on the side of the bridge holding her things and just heaving them off. hehehe. Its funny, because I've never thought about doing it til right now, and I must say I'm now considering a trip to Mackinaw.
hehehe. Ah that makes me smile.



I am currently Restless

Comments (0)

Her Closure, My Closure
11/29/2001 02:13 a.m.
I got an email from my ex and I wanted to post it and my reply to it.
But it is very, very long. So be warned.
Hers:
I am writing this letter in hope for some closure for us both. It may be
given to you and it may not, but what will be said needs to be said. "I
love you", "thank you", "I am sorry", and "goodbye". I love you and I
probably always will in some special place in my heart. What I did was not
because I didn't love you. It was because I fell out of love with you and
gave up on our love for eachother. I do love you, though. I hope that you
will realize that some day. I also want to say thank you. Something that I never said enough. Thank you for loving me for who I was and always being true to me, eventhough I could not do the same for you in the end. Thank you for trusdting me and believing in all my promises, eventhough I betrayed you and broke every promise that I made to you. Thank you mostly for the memories; the good times, the bad times, the first times, and the discoveries of all the treasures that we found together. Thank you for giving me possibly one of the happiest times in my life. I hope that my behavior didn'y disgrace your memories that we made. Iam sorry if it did and for so many other things. I am sorry that I was too weak to hold on to
us and that I let us fall apart. I am sorry that I didn't have that strength or respect to end our relationship properly when I knew it was over. I am sorry that I betrayed you both physically and emotionally in a way unmeasurable. I so regret my behavior and wish that I could take back time to change it. I am so sorry for the pain and anger that I put you through. I am sorry for making you see what everyone else had been trying to show you all along. I am weak, selfing, and will do anything to serve my own purposes. But you see that now? I will get my own in time, I am certain of this fact. Life has a way of circling on itself. Until then I wish you health and happiness. When that day comes, I wish you all the deep satisfaction that you deserve after what I put you through. Above all these things, though, I wish you love. A love that will be true and loyal to you always. You are a good man, Ryan, and I hope that I didn't tarnish your beliefe in love. I wish you all the greatness that life has to offer.
Goodbye, Ryan. May God watch over you in your travels through life and
guide you to strength and forgiveness.

Mine:
Well, I feel I should reply, I don't know what exactly I'm going to say, I probably wont even send this, but I'll write the damn thing anyway. Its probably going to be sarcastic and dramatic, but I'll try my best to cut that back.
I'm sure you've figured it out already, but you have caused me the most pain and anger out of any person in my life, second to myself. I looked to you for a love I had never even dreamed of, and thought I had found it. But you just handed me my heart after you'd torn it out and stomped on it, twice.
They say you get out what you put in, and I'm not denying my part in the downfall of the love we shared.
But I tried to hold on, I wanted to hold on.
Because regardless of how many times you hurt me, the immense hatred that now rules my insides in any regard to you, and through the weight of the horrible feeling of being lied to repeatedly by the only soul in the whole world I trusted with my heart completely, even against all that shit, I still love you. And I can feel it now, I couldn't before we broke up, but I feel it now. Like a burning rock inside my gut its there. Because if I didn't I'm sure this whole thing wouldn't be so horrible, but it is, because you abandoned me. I know you had your own reasons and self-preservation is an instinct, but you didn't have to fuck me over at the same time, and it seems like you would try not to if you gave once
ounce of a shit about me.
Before I could care less, or at least I'd act like it, but now I've just decided to not hold back anymore. I wish I could hate you, it would make the whole damn mess a lot easier on me, but I don't and I can't. For the sole reason that I do love you, but I wish I could just forget that I do. I wish the burning pain would just wash away all the memories I have and all I’ve ever felt or may feel and may miss. But I know it won’t, and I’m just going to have to deal with it in the best way possible. That is one positive thing I guess that came out of this, I just decided that I can’t handle this anymore by myself, after losing the ones closest to me that were suppose to stick by me forever, and finding out the Evon family has a history of being manic depressants, I’ve realized I can’t do this alone anymore. So if you want you can look at it like, “yes, tearing Ryan’s heart out and lying to him about all the things he held more important than his own life, and finally betraying him, costing him another of his close friends, was a good thing because he is finally in therapy.” Don’t you feel good?
You said you hope that you hope you didn't tarnish my belief in love, you were the only one I've ever loved, I waited my whole life for you, I saved my myself for you, and I gave you everything I could and tried to give you more, it may not have seemed like it
but I wished I could have.
You didn't tarnish my belief in love, you broke it in half and stomped on the pieces. I built my whole idea of love out of what I felt for you and how I thought you felt for me, how you told me and "promised" me you felt. I just wonder now, was all of it bullshit?
Did you just say what you said to pass the time or what? Because I can’t tell, and if has
changed the way I look at the past.
Every good memory that I have of us now has a blanket of pain over it. I look at all we did and just wonder now, if you were actually the way you appeared or if you were just using me. All the things I wanted to give you and have with you, I can still see the picture of you and me in my mind, after Bobby Franklin Evon would be brought into the world, and I can't stop the tears from pouring down my face.
I was true to you, I only loved you. Every breath I took and let out was just one thing more to be around for you. It feels like all that time was wasted for nothing.
We weren't perfect and nothing is, but I thought we could get through anything. Side by side we could stand against any force, as long as we loved each other. And you promised me that you'd never hurt me. You'd never lie.
You make me feel like such a fucking dumb ass, because I believed you.
I didn't care what anyone said about you, what you had done, or what you were like, none of it mattered, because you were with me and nothing else matters as long as we were
together.
You tell me your sorry and you’d take it all back if you could, and you expect me to believe it? But I won’t believe it. Because I’ve believed too long and been lied to apparently just as long. And my money is riding on the fact that you are sorry, and you are just feeling guilty and want to try and ease the burden on your chest.
All of it was one big lie, and its over. You've got your new guy and you are going your own way. I hope someday you can find whatever it is that you are looking for, and you can hold on to it.
And I also hope someday in the future I'll be able to forget or at least forgive how much have hurt me. Someday we may even be able to talk to each other like adults. I don’t know when this will be, if ever, but we’ll just have to wait & see.
Goodbye Tamisha.

I am currently Empty

Comments (0)

So far....
11/21/2001 04:19 p.m.
Well, so far so good I guess.
Started my therapy yesterday,
we didn't really get into anything, but I filled out some information on my health lately and my therapist asked me a bunch of questions about how I've been feeling.
I don't really know how this is going to turn out, but I'm trying to think positively and try to put all the bad shit behind me.
Still I feel strange about going to therapy, I don't want to tell anyone I am. It makes me feel weak or something. Like I can't fix my own fuckin problems so I have to go get help, its kind of frustrating.

Anyway, when I was filling out the health info I kind of scared me. Because I had to check what symptoms I've been having either within the last 2 weeks or the last year. And I damn near checked everything in the past two weeks. There was Dizziness, Chills, Sweats, Headaches, Loss of motivation, Loss of Sexual Pleasure, Thoughts of Suicide/Death, and just a ton of stuff and I think the only I didn't check at all was Drug/Substance Abuse, and that surprised my therapist, me being a college student and all.

I hope I can get through this, and not be like I was/am any more.
Regardless of who betrayed me, I am sorry for the way things turned out, and I realize my part in the whole thing. That doesn't mean I am not still angry, because I am, and I have to restrain the immense flow of anger that tries to break free whenever I think about any of them or see any of them. Its hard to, but I manage, because I don't need to get in trouble for beating the hell out of some punk that is drying off my car. But sometimes I really would like to.
Maybe my therapy will help these urges, but I'm not so sure.
I am currently Better

Comments (0)

It's written
11/14/2001 01:42 p.m.
Well, I have a chemistry paper due today and I spent all day yesterday trying to find something to write on, but I just couldn't find anything and it was making me very upset. I considering just not doing it and taking the 50 point loss, but at the last moment I found some stupid thing to write about and I cranked out the worst page and a half of garbage I've ever written. It was sad. I didn't even want to put my name on it, but I had to, if I wanted credit. I don't even want to hand it in, but I will.

I get to go see Janeane Garofalo tomorrow with Brad, my best friend, and his girlfriend, my friend/old ex. Which will be fun.

Then next week I get to go see Nickelback, Saliva, and Default with Brad. My sister and some of her friends are going too, but they aren't sitting near us.

Anyway, I don't feel like writing anymore,
I am currently O.K.

Comments (0)

Skool
11/07/2001 02:26 p.m.
I'm sitting at work, not doing a damned thing, because everyone in my office is at a meeting. So that means I don't even have to pretend like I'm doing something, which is a task in its self.
I have to leave for class in a little while, and I just don't care. I think the only reason I'm going to class is because I want to see someone.
But class is no longer even important to me, I used to think, "Hey this is college, its important, because I want to get this education so I can be successful and provide for my women, and our future family"
And that is just not there anymore, I mean I still wanna be successful, but I can't find any really good reason. I go to class most days, but I don't put any effort into it, I do what I have to and scrape by.
I haven't even starting thinking about registering for next semester and the first phase of registration ends in a week or so.
My mind has just given up, and my ass is following. I don't even have a clue as to what I want to do with my life. Its just so hard to think anymore.

Sometimes I picture my self, alone and old. And it reminds me of my grandpa Don. I haven't gone to see him in awhile and I feel bad, but I hate to see the guy like that. He sits in his house, drinking, in a ratty old flannel coat and sweat pants, big boots, with no socks. I can't even imagine how much money he has in the bank, but he lives like he has nothing.

I feel like I have nothing, only sometimes though.

That's what you must realize as you read this stuff, most everything you read on here is bad or depressing, because I write it out when I feel down, and when I feel good, I'm out feeling good. So if you think I'm this sad, lonely, pathetic loser, who has no one, you are only right half of the time.

Anyway, almost time to go to class now, woo hoo.. later
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to Blind Melon - No Rain (on the radio)

Comments (0)

Poem of the huh?
11/05/2001 01:28 p.m.
Wow I got poem of the day. I don't know what day, but I did. Sweet. I haven't been on the net all weekend and I come back and I've got a ton of messages telling me my poem was well deserved for poem of the day. That's really cool though.
This is my acceptance speech, hehe.
I'd like to thank the academy,...you like me, you really like me! )I don't use the word love anymore.)

Well anyway that concludes my rant of statisfaction for having poem of the day,
bye
I am currently Stunned

Comments (0)

I have to do something
10/19/2001 03:12 p.m.
I'm sorry everyone, on pathetic and otherwise, for the most part. I have been posting on here like a fiend, not giving anyone else any face time. I'm not gonna post anymore for awhile.
I don't have the energy anymore.
There is nothing left for me anymore, I can feel it. My best friend has gone to Detroit for awhile, and its already hard for me. I got so mad the day I last saw him, I punched a truck topper about 100 times. I was mad he was leaving, I was mad she left, I was mad she (they) lied, and I'm mad that I can't bear it any longer.
I've tried to talk about it, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I thought I was getting better, in my Depression, but I have only been lying. I want to be better, so I don't have to be so sad and lonely, but it doesn't matter anymore.
I don't think I'm going to last much longer like this.
I just want them to know, I still love them, I just don't want to because it reminds me of how much they hurt me. I say all these strong words, and try to seem like I'm okay with it, but I'm not.
I am hurting right now, more then I have ever hurt in all my life. I don't even know what to do, but I have to do something.
I am currently Sad

Comments (0)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries