How is it possible?
06/05/2002 07:08 p.m.
I was working out the other day, now that I have the time to get back to it. So I'm in the Student activity center, working away on a leg press, felt good to get back to getting my worthless ass back into shape.
So anyway, I get done with that set and walk to the water cooler. Nearby there is a scale, and I think "I haven't weighed myself in awhile, I bet I've gained five or so." Which would have put me at like 180 or so. Which is decent, since I'm just under 6 foot.
But I eyes popped out as I jumped on the scale and it read a tenth under 200 pounds.
CRAZY! 199.9 pounds! What the hell? About a month about I weighed 175. I have got a little bit of pudge around the mid section, but not 15 pounds worth.

Congestive Heart Failure has symptoms of weight gain from fluid retained in heart, lungs, and other places. As well as breathing/chest pains, dizziness, and several other symptoms I have been accustomed to for most of my life.
I can't help but wonder if its true. Not that I'll find out til I'm dead, but hey, at least I'm back in the gym.
I am currently Amazed

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It pains me so
05/28/2002 06:08 p.m.
I'm not sure if "lovesick" is the correct description for how I feel. Its more like "emotion sickness" but that wasn't on the list.
My ineptitude at talking to women has become a terrible burden to me now. Before it was something I could deal with because I thought being alone would be good for me, now that has gone away and I am left silent and alone.
I can't do anything when comes to meeting or talking with anyone of the fairer sex. With girls I don't know its a shyness thing I guess, but there is one I know, have known for awhile. And I am almost a hundred percent positive that I truly love her, and I can't do a thing about it. Why? Because I just can't get my feet to move, or my lips to open, or any other thing to let her know how I feel. And I'm pretty sure if I could let her know, I wouldn't, because if you want to look at it my way, Right now there is a chance, far off as it may be, there is one. If I ask her out or whatever and she shoots me down that chance is gone, and I will be more down then I already am.

I don't know what to do, and I thought maybe if I use this journal to see my words maybe it will help me.

Grr. Its frustrating, because I really like her, as I mentioned before. And I have known her for awhile, we sat next to each other in Geometery class in high school. I had such a huge crush on her. We would pass little notes, joking around about a bunch of stuff. It was semi-flirting, but on paper, so I didn't really have to talk, so it was fun. She was the reason I started writing poetry. Because I felt so much, and didn't know how to get it out, so I wrote, and wrote and wrote.
Later that year I saw her car at her house once, and stopped to talk to her, but she wasn't home. Tried again, she wasn't there. It was hard for me to see her with this loser at our school, I was so upset and I wrote my semi-jealous rant out in letter form and surprisingly I sent the damn thing. I waited, no reply. Earlier in class I had promised her a ride in my Camaro when I got it on the road, and I did, so I went to her house. She was there and we took a short ride, at the end of which I asked her about the letter.
She told me she got it, but hadn't written back yet, I could see in her eyes what she wanted to say, so I just said goodbye and left. I didn't see her again for awhile.

She is back in town now, and I've seen her a couple times where she works and she didn't seem to recognize me the first time, but did the second time and we talked a bit, but not about anything.

I'm sure she is seeing someone. My dad was there when she and I were talking and when we left I gave him the whole story I just wrote here, and he said "Just tell her you are interested and if she would like to get together to give you a call, then slide your number to her and its in her hands."

I didn't really respond to him, but if I were to do that, I would probably wait a week, maybe, then would be clawing at the walls cause she hadn't called, I would damn the feelings inside me, as I've done before, and swear to never let myself be hurt again.

From there two things would happen, one, she would finally call and I would feel spite for her from my curse on the feelings,
Second, and more likely, she would never call, and I would see her (just as it happened already) and I would be struck with the pain I have right now. So I could save myself some damn time and just crawl in a hole.

Damn my heart and all it can feel
To hell with dream, I wanted to be real,
Curse the love, I can't have or steal
Damn my heart and all it can feel
-REvon
I am currently Lovesick

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Religion... (another email exerpt)
04/08/2002 12:52 a.m.
...I don't know why I never really bought into the whole religion thing. I
mean, I have gone to "church" before, but never with my parents and it
was always my choice. I guess I was kind of on the fence about the
whole thing for a long time. I guess its like I feel like there should
be something, but I wanna know. And Flannery O'Connor wrote, that faith
isn't like that, you don't have to see to believe. Its because you
believe that you know.
Well, I just couldn't do that, and when my grandpa got sick it made me
question a lot and I was still on the fence about the whole thing. Then
at his memorial service this pastor guy was speaking. And he turned my
grandpa's memorial into a fucking bible reading. He said like two
things about my grandpa. And one of the two things was that "even
though he didn't attend a specific church, he was a religious man." And
that is bullshit. My grandpa was not a religious man. And that guy
stood up there quoting all this bible shit and I just sat there,
crying, wondering, "what the fuck does this shit have to do with my
grandpa?" And I figured it out, not a fucking thing. The whole idea
that we have to know where we come from and what we should believe is
all crap. We don't have to know. I believe that something greater may
be responsible for all of creation, its just too much for science to
handle. But I think we put too much stock into the whole thing. We are
because we are. Thats all that should matter.
We walk around this miserable plain of existance until we die. When we
die we are gone. Hopefully somewhere nice, but we shouldn't worry about
it, because if we lived our life instead of spending time throwing our
pennies into a damn collection plate inside a fancy building, then
whatever is after will be worth it. We should all be enjoying what is
here, all that is beautiful, blue skies, a cool breeze, the bright sun,
and baby's eyes. That is what pushes me to keep any faith at all.
Staring into Adam's eyes, or Jessie's eyes. And you see that detail
inside, all that greatness in an area smaller then a dime.
I am currently Indifferent

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Wasting time (from an email to a friend)
03/04/2002 05:05 p.m.
I've been weird lately...I have had a really strange feeling lately. Like this burning in my chest, much different from the other seering pain I'm used to (both in my heart and my lungs) but its like I have some potential that I'm not using and it driving me crazy. I can't figure out what it is though. I try to write out a poem and its still there, I try to write a story and it doesn't help, I feel like I'm trapped in my own heart and I can't get out. It has to be something but I don't know what it is. Grrrr. At least I'm feeling again though, it hit me this weekend really hard. It was like midnight and I was at my dad's house, watching Conspiracy Theory (such a good movie) and it just sunk into my chest. I felt like I was going to cry it hurt so much. Its like I'm wasting something in every breath I take but don't do something.
I think maybe my heart is waking back up from its time of numbness and it is in high gear and wants all these feelings to come out but there are so many they all can't get out. That could be it, but I'm not sure.
Oh well, I guess I'll find out or not, whatever.
I am currently Anxious

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Well, damn.
02/13/2002 06:26 p.m.
I think I did it this time.
I wrote a short story in my creative writing class I had last semester. It was a fictional-ish story about my last day in sixth grade. The main point of the story is my affection for a girl that I actually have had a crush on for the longest time.

Well, we are friends and against my better judgement I let her read it. I wrote her a little note, saying that is was fiction and that's how she should regard it. Because it is, for the most part. But today I had class with her and usually she is chipper and talks to me frequently in class. Today the only word she said to me was "hi" and that was after I said hi, which usually never happens.
So, I think I made a mistake. I mean I didn't expect anything really big to happen, because she does have a boyfriend.
I think I really screwed the pooch this time. Me and my wonderful lack of tact.

"Open mouth, insert foot" should be tattooed on my forehead.

Damn it.
I am currently Bothered

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Where do I go from here?
02/07/2002 05:13 a.m.
So much has happened since I last wrote here. I can't even think of where to start, so I'll just let fly and see where all the pieces land.

I've been taking Zoloft for about 2 weeks now, I don't know whether it is helping me yet, but I'm hopeful. The sleeping pills I'm not taking. I took 2 and that was more then I wanted to. My ex tracked me down because I sent her an email telling her that I couldn't deal with her stuff any more. She wanted to know why and what had made me so mad. She told me if she couldn't have me, she wouldn't have anyone, and then she moved away. I think about her sometimes and I hope she is doing well. I feel kind of free now though, like I've got some weight off my shoulders and I can lightly float around, enjoying what I have. Still I get upset for some reason and my day falls apart because of it, but for the most part I am doing alright. I feel like I'm open now, trying to get everything straight, I feel bad for how some things turned out, but I can't help that now.

I lost my motivation, as it happens often. I may finish this later, may not.

I am currently Jumbled

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Love, Anger, Thoughts, Feelings, and Resolutions
01/07/2002 07:39 p.m.
She just walked back into my life. Knowing that I was hurt, mad, and heart broken.
After I went to talk to her, I was talking with my best friend, my brother really. I told him
'I love her and I hate it. I wish I didn't.'
And he asked me, 'Which one?'
Then it occurred to me I didn't know.
He said, 'When you answer that you will know what you have to do.'
I was actually surprised at his insight, but then he proved himself to be a goofball by explaining another theory.
'We could hold a Bitch Trial. We'll tie rocks to her feet and throw her in a lake, if she floats, she is a bitch and you should forget her. But if she isn't a Bitch she will drown. And then...well..you know she wasn't a bitch.'

The insanity of his idea was refreshing after the bombardment of heavy serious thoughts on my mind.

But this is the weird part. I haven't slept good in a long time. But the night she told me she loved me and it was me or nobody for her, I slept great. Never woke up once, didn't even remember really laying down. Just sleep.

I don't know if that means anything, maybe it means I was just so exhuasted from the whole ordeal that I needed to finally crash down.

I think, with all of my sense, that she needs to be alone. For me to want her again, she must be alone for awhile. I hope it helps her to be her. Not someone's version of her.

It will take time, because I need time to get myself straightened out, heal, and whatever else I need to do, which I haven't figured out yet. But I think I'm going in the right direction.

Sometimes I miss her, sometimes I curse her, sometimes I need her, sometimes I despise her. But all the time I love her, and no matter what happens I probably will for the rest of my life.

I don't know what will happen, but I'm going to stand straight and take what comes and react in the way I think is best as well as what I feel is best.

And I will do this through my resolutions I have made for myself. Not really New Years, because they came to me afterwards, but whatever.
I'm not going to hold as much inside, no more swallowing my anger and sadness, I'm laying it out.
And a twist on that one, I'm going to try and be more forward, because I've been shy and quiet for too damn long and it doesn't seem to help me much.
And the truth will be my new sword to cut through the beast that is life, no more letting it cut at me.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to My heartbeat

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Dying Without You - Shooting Star
12/30/2001 07:48 p.m.
Well, "Dying for You - Shooting Star" is one of the most read poems in my library, 3rd ranked I believe.
With this in mind I thought you would like for me to inform you of my latest creation.
I bought a new cd. Apocalyptica's "Cult"
album. They are a band of four guys who play cellos. They played Metallica covers in their beginning, but now their cd's contain more of their own material.
As I was driving around track three, "Romance" started and I kind of liked it. Exactly fourteen seconds into it a soft lead cello starts and I was struck with a feeling I haven't had in a long time.
The electrical pulsing warmth of inspiration. I immediately had to pull over and pour out as much as I could onto the page.
Later that day I sat in my room listeing to the track over and over as I cleaned up the timing, added and subtracted and the result is a very moving ballad. I have to say it is without a doubt the best thing I have written in a long time.
I'm not sure if it's completely done. Alone it is powerful, but it is my intention that it be paired with "Romance"

I wish I wasn't so shy about singing or I would try to sing it for everyone I know. I love it. I get this great feeling whenever I read it while "Romance" is playing.

I don't know how to describe it. Its just wonderful, it makes me feel alive.

I tried to post it, but it didn't turn out like I wanted it, so I took it back off.
I will try to get it out soon, hopefully with a link to an MP3 of "Romance"

Til then..
I am currently Anxious

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A Late Night Rant from Ryan, wired on Amp (piece of email sent t
12/24/2001 06:02 a.m.
...I was thinking of escaping to the Mackinaw Bridge for New Years. Just something I thought would be cool. But I'm crazy, so a lot of things sound fun to me.
I don't know though, standing out there looking over the water at night, all the stars and the lights of the bridge, the feeling of the cold wind coming off the Straights, kicking around the snow on the shore. I can just feel it in my heart, and it feels good. I don't want to be in front of a TV during New Years, I want to be somewhere memorable. I'd do it alone if I had to, it's shitty to be alone, but I think I'm getting good at it, maybe. New Years is really a time to be with friends and family, but it should be memorable and I doubt anyone I know would go up there with me.
But I think it would be great.
I've come to appreciate things of beauty a lot more now. I don't know what did it, but the way wet snow coats trees, the greatness of seeing the night sky without city lights drowning it, the deep insides of some forrest. Its all just jumping out to me, and I see it and I'm upset I missed it all before, I feel like I've been neglecting so much greatness.
I wish everyone could see things of beauty like that and I wish people could see me for some of the small sparkles of beauty I think are inside me, but they don't seem to.
Well I guess I'll just be a lonely poet, even though I despise the roll so.


I am currently Wired

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'Tis The Season
12/21/2001 05:30 p.m.
Yeah, X-Mas is upon us once again. Sometimes I wish it wasn't. Its a bad time of the year. Its suppose to be about family and friends, those dearest to you. Well those dearest to me have thinned out a bit this year.
I had plans for this Christmas, taking a drive, with someone special to somewhere special. Really special. But alas, it is not to be. I guess its kind of good because I saved a lot of money and time. But it was kind of my present to her for the neglect I had shown her for the past little while.
Oh well.
And another birthday is upon me, yee frickin ha. I don't plan to be doing anything, if I even acknowledge the day for what it is, which is a lot I guess. I will probably be dragged to somewhere for something or other. But it's looking to be a piss poor birthday.

I'm not even buying anyone presents really. My nephew and my little sister, and I'm thinking of something for my best friend. But none of it involves any true thought and consideration. Usually I think a lot about what I get someone, but I wasted a lot of thought on the one big christmas present I was planning. That kind of killed my spirit of the season. But hey, I guess shit happens, and its been a shitty year.
I am currently Restless

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