She had better be happy
10/17/2001 01:10 p.m.
Ever since this whole "depression" thing started, I have been numb for the most part. With some times when the feeling turns back on and I could enjoy things. Lately I have less and less to enjoy and when the feeling comes back on I only want it to shut off again so I don't have to deal with the pain.
They don't realize what they did to me. If Brad wasn't here I think I probably wouldn't be. He becomes more and more my brother every day, but I still hold back when I'm around him and Andrea.
I don't want to burden them with the overwhelming saddness I feel. Brad is mad for me, which I am thankful, and he wants blood just as much or even a little more then I do. He told me what he thinks of them and I'm glad I am not completely alone in my anger.
Most nights I lay in my bed and stare at the sparkles in the ceiling and think of the weekend we all went to Lake Huron. Tamisha and I sat under the stars and she saw the Milky Way colors for the first time, it was one of the best nights of my life. Now I curse myself for remembering and go to sleep angry, dreaming of horrible things I do to myself. They just don't care.
I hope she is happy, with her life free of me and all I must deal with, because she put me through enough pain she had better be happy.
I am currently Tired

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Realization
10/15/2001 05:20 p.m.
I realized just now, so I had to right it down.
The whole time we were together, she always told me,
"I'm not going to hurt you like everyone else, I would never leave you."
I almost laughed when I thought of that, because I was starting to believe her.
She isn't who I thought she was and she never will be again. I don't even understand how she could do this.

Another realization I came upon, is why I have been so numb. That was apparently the start of us falling apart, my depression or whatever you wanna call it.
My Family has been telling me that from my great-grandma on my Dads side all the way to me and my sister are Manic Depressants. AND NOBODY TOLD ME!
My dad denies it, but my sister has apparently been going through all the things I'm going through.
That is just such a great thing to know, just for the fact it partly clears up what made me feel worse about, that I didn't know why I was so depressed. Now I actually have a reason, that in itself makes me happier.

But not much when I think that if I had known, maybe we wouldn't have fallen apart.
Maybe if I could have taken the steps to make myself better, I could have not lost her. Maybe if I could feel the loss it would drive me to try and get her back. Maybe if I knew before we had gotten together, I wouldn't have ever put her through the pain I did. Maybe I would be a better person.
I am currently Empty

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In the Library
10/14/2001 08:31 p.m.
I sat down and her new boyfriend was on the other side of the desk from me. I had to get up and move to a different computer to resist the urge to jump over the desk and start beating him with the keyboard.
Still, as far away as I could get I still look for him to go out and smoke, and if he does before I leave you can bet I'll be a step and a half behind him. I don't know what I'll do, I want to rip out his lungs for lying to my face, but at the same time I'd love to tell him how hard he had got it. That following me into her bed is going to be one huge feat to accomplish. I would let him live just so she can lay there as he pumps away, staring at the ceiling thinking, "oh god, what have I done." If I only get one thing in the whole rest of my life, I would like it to be that the moment that happens I know about it. That would just bring a huge smile to my face.
But for right now, I'm waiting to see how long I can sit here til he goes outside. I wonder if I would get expelled from school for beating the shit out of someone in front of the library. Maybe, at this point I don't really care, it would be worth it. Him and his fuckin blue haired friend, I don't hate either of them. I just want them to experience the most pain possible.
Trying to resist..my hands are shaking. I want to beat him senseless.RRRRRRRR!
I am currently Pissed Off

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2:30 am
10/10/2001 04:44 p.m.
They came in at 2 in the morning and someone slammed my bedroom door hard, probably so I would realize what was going on. My ex as of less then a week and someone who claims to be my twin soul were sitting on my couch with these guys.
My "twin soul"'s boyfriend and two of his friends. One was the guy that had been in my house before with Tamisha, and probably who she drove in my car. They are all out yaking away like it is social hour, back from the bar. I want to just lay there and sleep or bust out yelling, but my stomache decides for me that I must go to the bathroom and maybe throw up. So I go out, they dont' acknowledge me at all. I go back in my room and try and sleep, but once again my stomache decides I might need to throw up. So I go out, and there she is, fresh off of shitting on me, laying on this guy lap. The instant urge was to grab him by the neck and throw him out the window. As tired as I was I still would have got away with it. So I kept going into the bathroom and come back out and get something to drink. I sit down and ask them how long this shit has been going on.
"what shit?" she asks. ah, like I just didn't see that crap.
My "twin soul" goes to excuse herself from the situation and I state that if she is my friend, as she claims, she will reveal any info that she has. She plays it down of course and thats that.
"Nothing has been going on, and I'm being straight with you." Says the pierced piece of shit on my couch. I don't believe it for a second, but state that I appreciate his honesty.
She however, stares at me like I just murdered her whole family. Then they all leave and I go back to bed. With vivid dreams of setting the house on fire, and watching everything melt away, including my life.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to the hum of a ceiling fan

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The end
10/09/2001 06:30 p.m.
She asked me to leave today. My ex-fiance' I guess. She said we can't live like this anymore, well by all means I should leave then I guess.
I admitted that it is the depression that has overshadowed my days. She told me to get help and gave me a week before she decided I wasn't moving fast enough. I don't hate her right now, sometimes I get so angry because she has been so straight about it.
A thought has been milling through my mind, the night a bunch of people were sitting on my couch, she was going to play pool with them and leave me alone another night. She stayed behind, for some reason and I told her I was trying real hard, and we started to fool around but when the feeling struck me to not please her I felt bad. She didn't understand why I felt bad and I didn't tell her, so she took my car and left. The next morning she came back and I took my car to work and she had been driving someone around in it. I didn't ask her, but I know it was a guy, the seat was way back and reclined and whoever it was had been playing with my stereo. Whatever, it has become my battle cry. What the fuck ever. I don't care anymore
I am currently Apthetic
I am listening to click of keys as I type

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Journal Entry 1
10/08/2001 01:10 p.m.
This is what I am writing because I have nothing better to write. No creative juices to spill out and form into a beautiful or angry verse.
I don't care
She hasn't slept in the same bed as me for about a week. I can't feel the love inside I used to have, everything feels like it is falling apart.
I don't care
Sometimes I feel like crying, but I can't find the tears. Other times I want to set my house on fire and melt away with all my possesions, but I can't find the lighter.
I don't care
All that I have become comfortable with has gone completely to hell. There are no soft words or friendly comforts. They all just keep their distance from me.
I don't care
Laughing while I can because tomorrow I might not be able. Sitting in the woods I practice a war game but lose myself in the trees.
I don't care
Sometimes pain is all that you have and when it is you have to enjoy it. All the different levels of agony are really very amazing.
I don't care
If I did I would write about love and passion. Or I would write about fire and hate. People say I'm depressed and I should try and talk about it, okay....
I don't care
I am currently Apthetic

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