Feeling
05/23/2004 03:24 p.m.
A is coming to Pennsylvania in about 3 weeks to see me. Yes me! I am so excited that he would be willing to drive 6 hours just to see me (especially since we haven't met in person yet). I hope I don't disappoint him. He is such a sweetheart. He really makes me smile every time I talk to him. :)
I am currently Perfect
I am listening to Birds outside

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Happy Again
05/20/2004 02:27 a.m.
I am happy! I know.. so soon after my break-up with T... but I met someone completely wonderful, A. Well okay...I haven't actually met him in the physical sense...but I have talked to him every night for the past week and a half and he is great! :) It may seem weird to feel so strongly for someone I have not met yet, but I do. He is the sweetest guy and we have so much in common. I feel like I've known him for years. It's strange...I know... but who can argue with happiness...? Not me! :)
I am currently Giddy
I am listening to The news on TV

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Is It Really Almost Over?
05/16/2004 03:02 a.m.
I told T that I wanted to see other people today. He took it really well...actually too well. I hope I did the right thing and I hope that I don't end up regretting this later. I do love him more than anything you know.

I am kind of excited that I can explore my options now though. I think that I need to do that... for my own sanity and security. Who knows...maybe if I start dating someone else, just maybe T will miss me...
I am currently Excited
I am listening to The rain outside

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End of an Era
05/07/2004 02:43 a.m.
Last episode of Friends on tonight... It was so sad. I spent the last ten years of my life with that show.. (I feel really pathetic.. lol :) ). Going to see J tomorrow. I can't wait. I haven't seen him in over a year.


I am currently Somber
I am listening to ER on TV

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Twinkle Toes
05/02/2004 03:56 a.m.
Why is it that a 3-year old knows that two people should be together, but a 26-year old can't figure it out. T's nephew constantly associates T with me and me with T. If I am visiting him without T. He asks where T is. If T is visiting him without me...he asks where I am. He thinks we live together and doesn't know any different. That child is more intelligent and wise beyond his years. If he knows how perfect T and I are together....why can't T realize that?

Children are amazing...
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to hummmmmmmmmmm

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I'm Not Sure That This Feels Right...
04/25/2004 02:53 a.m.
T is here... He has been since yesterday...and I probably couldn't even list all of the things he has done this weekend to piss me off. Our two year anniversary is Tuesday. I got him something...He didn't get me anything... Now..a gift is not that important... but then he leaves this morning to go get a haircut and pick up some shorts from his moms... OK so I figure.. he leaves at 9:00 am... so he should be back by noon at the latest... Takes about a half an hour to drive each way... so there's an hour... and then about an hour to get a haircut and an hour with mom... T comes back to my apartment at almost 2 pm. Now knowing that he forgot that it was our anniversary and didn't get me anything (unless he just didn't give a damn) and knowing that he took FOREVER to get his haircut today... You'd think he'd stopp and pick up flowers or SOMETHING to prevent me from getting pissed off... NOPE... He did stop somewhere though... at the health place to pick up some fucking protein for himself!

You know... he took off a day of work to spend time with friends... But when I fucking ask him to take off a day so we can go away for a weekend... does he?! No! I can't take this shit anymore... I don't think that anything he has said or done this weekend has made me feel better about us...Everything is pushing me closer and closer to wanting to snap out on him... Why the fuck do I bother?!! Why the fuck do I put myself through this bull shit OVER AND OVER AGAIN?? AND FOR HIM?? THE PERSON WHO HAS DONE NOTHING BUT MADE ME FEEL LIKE THE FUCKING DIRT ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS SHOE FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS??!

You know.. he never used to make me feel this way... Hell go back to the first few entries of this journal and You'll see that he treated me like gold.. He actually cared... Now its like he doesn't even want to bother... Well fuck him!!!! I don't have to do this anymore... I don't have to feel like my heart is getting ripped out every single time I TRY to fix things... I fucking bought the pizza for dinner last night... and the food for dinner today... and I drove to the movies... Now when I was in NJ last...we SPLIT the pizza and dinner and EVERYTHING... so why the hell do I do it? Do I somehow think that by doing whatever he asks or trying to suck up and be the perfect little girlfriend is going to change things?? Am I crazy?? This won't change shit... This makes him disrespect me even more...

Damn it... I loved him SOOO much... why the fuck did he have to go and turn into an ASS?? Just like the others... Just like the others... And I thought he was different...

I guess I was wrong...
I am currently Angry
I am listening to some stupid tv show T is watching

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No Longer Questioning
04/18/2004 04:15 p.m.
I had a long talk with K, B, and K last night. K thinks that I am too down on myself and she said it hurts her to see such low self-esteem in someone who is such a beautiful person. She said she can't be around me for 15 minutes without me making her laugh. She doesn't quite understand that while yes I may have a low self-esteem, it is 20 times better than it was before (when I first started college 5 years ago) because now I can actually sit here and say taht I am proud of me. I am proud of what I have accomplished. I went back to school and graduated. I have a decent job where I get to help people, which is something that I love to do... I feel that I am getting better in regards to my self-esteem little by little every day. I also feel that there will always be something about myself that I don't like and feel badly about.

K's biggest concern is that I am just "settling" for T because I don't think that I can do any better. I tried to explain to her that it isn't the case at all. I am not SETTLING for T. I love T. He came to me at a time in my life when I needed him and while a huge part of my insecurites come from the fact that I am overweight, I know that my weight was not the first thing that T noticed about me and I feel that he did love me for me. That means a lot to me.

K also worries because she thinks that I am doing anything that I can just to keep T in my life and she used examples as far as him hitting me and thinking that I woudl just forgive him just to keep him here. Now T has never laid a hand on me and he never would. He has only raised his voice to me two or three times throughout the past two years and he probably should have more often. I am not an easy girlfriend to have. She just doesn't understand that T is my soulmate and I KNOW he is. So he doesn't know it yet...so what? he will...someday... He just isn't ready yet.

I wish I could say all of this to him. I wish that he could know how my talks with my friends last night made me realize how much we belong together...not the opposite. They did not make me question my relationship...They made me realize that my realtionship with T is what I want. And if I have to wait a little bit longer to get it to the point I want it at...I will.

If marriage was the most important thing to me at this moment I could easily leave T and go find someone else who is ready for that step in life. But it's not marriage that is important. It is being with the person I want to be with... my soulmate... my boyfriend...T.
I am currently Passionate
I am listening to Mom and Dad talking

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I Love T
04/16/2004 02:12 a.m.
Talked to T yesterday. Decent conversation...no fighting. Acutally feel good about us again (for the time being). I hope to see him next weekend. I miss his touch and his sweet soft kisses. Mmmm... ok gotta stop talking now...before I get too in depth. :)
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to The Apprentice on TV

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Lazy Day
04/13/2004 12:22 a.m.
Lazy day today. The siblings and I got our portraits taken for mom for Mother's Day. She'll be excited. Haven't heard from T today... but I didn't really expect to. After all, we spoke yesterday. Wish I could go back to those journal entries when I felt his phone calls made my day better and when he would call me every day. Guess that is wishful thinking...
I am currently O.K.
I am listening to Fear Factor on TV

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Feeling Better
04/12/2004 12:58 a.m.
I feel better now...He just called me. Almost as if everything will be okay now (at least for the time being). I wish I didn't love him so much...
I am currently Better
I am listening to Evanescence--"My Immortal"

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