Easter Time
04/12/2004 12:21 a.m.
So it's Easter...and here I am typing in my journal. I truly wish I could have spent today with T, but it was an impossibility I suppose. He said that he could not invite me over because he would be leaving super-early since his mom has work tonight. Super-early...? Then why is it 8:15 pm and he isn't home yet? I just wish he would be honest with me. Just say..."Mel...I jsut don't have time for you. I just don't want you around. I just don't love you anymore." Okay...maybe I am overreacting on that one and blowing things out of proportion yet again, but damnit...that's how he makes me feel anymore. And I know he says he is tired of my insecurities...but this is not an insecurity...it is a feeling. I feel like an inconvenience to him. Like I am just an annoying part of his life that he wishes would just leave him alone. I just wish that if this was the way he felt...he would tell me. So I don't waste my time trying to hold on to something that there is no chance of ever fixing.

I guess I just don't get it. Like two years ago he was telling me that it was fate that we met. He told me that I made him feel better about himself...that he was so lucky to have found me. What happened? I am trying my hardest to do everything he asks to hold on to our relationship, but I am finding that everything I do...is just not enough. Is this all worth it? The hurting...the crying...the feeling like I am dying inside because I am slowly losing my best friend...The man I want to spend forever with...My perfect match... Or would it hurt worse to just walk away now and know that I can never touch him again? Could never hear his voice or breathe in his scent or feel his kisses..? I wish love didn't hurt this much.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to Clyde meowing

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Starting Over
04/10/2004 06:55 p.m.
T and I went out to lunch today. We went to the place that we went on our first date...two years ago. We get along pretty well when we are together, but when we are on the phone--well that's another story. I miss the way we used to be. I miss the T I fell in love with. It was sort of a pick-me-up though to see him today. He was wearing this simple tan plaid shirt and jeans, but he looked so good. I had to hold myself back from just reaching out to grab him and hold him. It is obvious taht I have it pretty bad for him... Just being around him makes me feel weak and vulnerable... Now while that is an amazing feeling--it isn't always good to feel that way. Ah well... I am supposed to see him again in two weeks. I hope we make it that long... I love him so much...
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to CNN News

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Lost and On My Own
04/07/2004 01:47 a.m.
Well T and I were officially on a "break" for the past month. Now we are "starting over"..."trying to work things out". The problem is I feel that we are only doing that because I am pathetic. I can't stand the thought of losing him...and being alone...yet again, so I practically begged him to stay with me while he was ready to walk away. Of course he couldn't have been that sure about his decision to break up if he was upset enough to cry over the thought of me walking out the door and him never seeing me again. This is a man who has not once shown me any type of emotion throughout our two years together...and now...he cries...over me. That has to mean something. It actually makes me feel better about him...it proves he can be emotional and that he is a human being. I wonder if all of this is worth it. You know...he told me that him going back to school would not change our relationship and yet...here we are...fighting to keep it going. He said he has too much going on in his life at this point: school, work, family, friends, the gym, a girlfriend, etc. and my guess is that the obvious thing to eliminate would be me. But it makes me sad because I would NEVER do that to him. Maybe it is the difference between men and women. Women care about love and men are able to walk away from it if something else comes up. I don't know. Everyone tells me to be strong and walk away...I only wish I were that strong. But sometimes I love him so much that it hurts and it hurts even worse when I realize that he doesn't feel as strongly about me...that he COULD just walk away and not give it another thought. Now that is what hurts.
I am currently Needy
I am listening to Madonna Love Songs

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What About Me??!!
12/31/2003 11:45 p.m.
If T suggests that I seek mental help or therapy one more time I am going to scream. He tells me that I have been going downhill since I graduated from school...that I have been really sad, miserable and depressed lately and it seems to be getting worse and worse. Now..maybe I haven't been myself (since I have also heard that from my family and friends), but I think the reason why is that I am getting completely annoyed with and tired of everything...my family, my job, and T. T decided he wants to go back to school for his doctorate. Now while I am proud of him for wanting to do this, it also pisses me off. Everything with him is about HIS goals and what HE wants to do...without even a thought to what I want. All of my friends who told me that they would never get married are beginning to get engaged and married every time I turn around while I (who always wanted to get married young) am sitting on my ass waiting around for someone who is not even going to think about marriage until he is finished with school again. (And taking only three credits a semester he won't be done until 2010 or 2011). Maybe I am being completely unreasonable... I mean T says that he is doing it for us to give us a better life...but my thing is that there is no guarantee that there will be an US after he finishes school... I guess the question is: Do I want to wait around and waste my years trying to find out? I honestly don't think that I can do that... but for now I am sticking it out.
I am currently Questioning
I am listening to My mom talking on the phone

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Changes
12/26/2003 10:48 p.m.
Many things have changed since I have gotten out of school. So much in fact that I wish I could go back in time and be back in school. I know that my relationship with T has changed...some for the better and some for the worst. My diet has gone kaput ever since I got home. And after being insulted at the gym by one of their workers, I chose not to go back there. I am working now...as a coseworker where I did my internship...and I feel that this job is changing how I am as a person. I don't feel as compassionate as I used to be. I am also living on my own now (with the exception of my bird and new kitty, Clyde) which can get rather lonely. I find myself missing T much more than when I was in school and had the every day distractions of papers, tests, and roomates. T has decided to return to school for his doctorate in Occupational Therapy and while I am proud of him for his ambition, it makes me sad to know that T and I will not end up progressing in our relationship for at least 6 or 7 years yet. I am not sure if I can wait that long...I guess we'll see. Sometimes it seems that the most important things to T are being the best and making a lot of money. I truly hope that he doesn't realize one day that he succeeded in being the best at his job and has all the money in the world, but is lonely and without love. Oh well... again.. I guess we'll see.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Pepper barking

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Letter to My Love
06/13/2003 12:59 a.m.
Dear T,
I know things have been kind of ify with us lately and I also know that it is about 90% my doing. I know you don't understand why I suddenly sprouted all of these insecurities and I know that you desperately want some answers from me. I wish so badly that I had answers to give you. I do not understand why this suddenly started. I don't remember an exact incident that started my mind running in all different directions. I do not remember an exact time that these feelings started. I also do not know exactly HOW to make them stop, but I can promise you that I will try my hardest. You are far too important to me to lose over something as silly as this. You have never given me a reason not to trust you. You have always been honest with me and I know you would never cheat on me (trust me...I am confident about that). I feel badly that you feel that this is putting a strain on our relationship...a strain on us. I never meant to make that happen. I never meant for any of this to happen. I know you feel that I compare you to my past, and perhaps I have before, and for that I am sorry. I know you are not M and I know that you genuinely love and care for me (How else could you have put up with me for an entire year? lol:) ). You see...for as many things that I am insecure about...there are also so many things that I am completely confident about. I am confident about my feelings for you...and even your feelings for me. I am confident that we WILL work through this, because I will not let such a great guy slip away from me. No one has ever made me feel the way that you do...and yes sometimes I feel like I can't get enough of you. I know you like having your own space and I am the type to want to be around you 24/7. It could be because I am a girl and you are a guy... or it could go further than that. Who knows? Honey...I wish I could make you believe that I trust you...and I wish you could truely understand what you mean to me. You are my world and I'll be damned if I am going to let someone who is that important away slip away. I won't. I promise you...I will work on my insecurities...I will get better...I promise...I love you more than you know!

--M
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to Dad Snoring

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Beautiful Day
03/22/2003 05:27 p.m.
It is a gorgeous day outside and I am finally getting over this week and a half long head cold that made me so miserable all last week and also ruined my weekend with T. (My last weekend with him for awhile...:( ). But enough being upset about that...

I woke up early this morning...8 am (on a Saturday) and went to Bowl-for-Kid's Sake. Fun stuff... I love doing things for charity.. :) It was me and 4 of my roomates and I came in second with a score of 104...WOOHOO! (Who said I couldn't bowl?)

Also yesterday I joined a gym...I know it is an added expense that I probably can not afford right now...but I need to do this... My recent gaining of weight did not do much for me...It has been depressing me and I need to change things in my life now... I am getting ready to finish school and have a career and I want to be healthy to do so...I am determined to lose weight...even if it kills me...
I am currently Content
I am listening to Silence

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I Hate When I Upset People
03/21/2003 04:04 a.m.
T and I got in a fight tonight... I think I was just being myself...again...and starting a fight over nothing...again. I feel bad. I really do... T is so good to me...better than anyone else ever has been. I don't understand why that is never enough... B told me to step out of the girlfriend role for a minute and step into the "Rational Mel" role and think about things... Like "How often does T get to see his friends?" Almost every time he is home "And where are you when he is home?" Well he sees me one day and his friends the other... "Who does he spend the majority of his time with?" Me... "Mel he should spend more time with you becuase you are his girlfriend, but you have to give him time to just be a guy...be with his buds... he needs that." B is right...she also pointed out how stressful the long distance thing is on us to begin with and the fact that he has other people he wants to see...even if I don't get to see him that often...I can't prevent him from having his own life... After all, as he would say... "We are not married"... I guess marriage will never be an option with him... Not that I want it now b/c it is far too soon...but I was hoping for a future with him...someday...
I am currently Gloomy
I am listening to Stuff About The War on TV (Give Peace A Chance!)

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Where Do I Belong?
02/28/2003 10:38 p.m.
I sometimes don't know why I come home. I don't feel like I "belong" with my family...honestly. I got to see T and his sister and nephew today. I feel so much better when I am around his family. They actually make me feel welcome while here I feel like an outcast. Last night was fine. I talked to mom for awhile and we "bonded" (I mean I haven't been home for over a month and a half). Then today it stopped. E is home now... Mom bonds with her much more than me... The boys bond with her too... The only ones I feel comfortable with in my family are P and Dad... I dunno... I don't know why I bother... It makes me sad and depresses me. T always says that his family doesnt tell him anything (they leave him out of things). My family does the same... Maybe that is why we are good together....
I love him...At least I feel like I "belong" with T.

I am currently Alienated
I am listening to My family talking to each other

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Perfect Valentine
02/17/2003 05:40 a.m.
Valentine's Day was perfect this year. This is the first time ever that I have had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day and T made it so special for me. He bought me a cute little Valentines teddy bear and a box of Godiva chocolates and surprised me with a dozen long stemmed red roses and dinner at a nice restaurant. I have never felt so in love or so happy or sure about anything like this before. T and I are perfect together... we are meant to be...I just know we are...
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to My roomates watching "Amelie"

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