Chaos and Love
07/08/2004 01:48 a.m.
Work was out of control stressful today. Five of my cases have gone haywire and this is from being off for two days. I wish I just stayed up in Maine and never came back. I miss Alan so much it hurts and I would give anything to hear his voice and feel his skin right now.

Good news... :) I might have another opportunity to see Alan in October. We might meet in Salem, Mass. for Halloween. Kristin and G are planning on going up there and Kristin said I could ride along with them and have Alan meet us there :) That would be so great to see him twice in October! :) Even more and more to look forward to with Alan every day. :)

I love Alan Nelson so unbelievably much. :)
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to Cats chasing each other

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I Miss Him :(
07/06/2004 11:17 p.m.
Today sucked... I wish I was with Alan again. I hate being away from him. I feel so empty without him. This year is going to be incredibly difficult. But we are dong it... just taking it one visit at a time. It just sucks that I get to see him once every month now and once every few months when we both start back to school. :(

Man I want him right here with me right now. I just want to hold him and never let him go... Why couldn't time just stand still this past weekend? Why couldn't we just stay blissfully happy for a lot longer? Well I get to talk to him tonight so that is a good thing.

I am so in love with Alan Vincent Nelson!
I am currently Sad
I am listening to Burning Ring of Fire :)

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My Weekend in Maine with Alan :)
07/06/2004 11:11 p.m.
Bad points about Maine
~Too far away
~Too many mosquitoes (and these are not like the mosquitoes that you find in Pennsylvania. These things are monstrous and they are loud)
~Me being stupid and wearing shoes that tore my feet open when we went for a walk.

Good points about Maine
~Alan :)
~Trees
~Lakes
~The Ocean
~Alan :)
~Alan's family
~Tiddles (Alan's cat)
~Fireworks
~Romance
~And did I mention Alan? :)

I just got back from my trip to Maine and I have to say that this weekend has been the most perfect and amazing weekend of my entire life. :) Alan is wonderful. So let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!

THURSDAY
I leave Honesdale around 2:00 pm and drive and drive and drive (stopping only twice to call Alan and to get gas). I finally arrive in Maine and at Shaw's to wait for Alan to get off of work. I get there around 9:30 pm and Alan gets off at 11:00 pm. So I go inside to tell him that I made it. I wished he wasn't working because I missed him so much I just wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him. He was lucky that there was a counter separating us or I would have. Anyways...I go outside and sit in my car to read for an hour until Alan gets off work. He comes outside and kisses me and I follow him to his mom's house (another hour and a half drive). When we get there we kiss some more and we stay up and watch some of a passing thunderstorm but eventually go inside because of the numerous mosquitoes and the fact that it was 3:30 am and I was exhausted. We fell asleep in each others arms that night...:)

FRIDAY
We wake up...shower...have breakfast and go to the breakwater in Rockland Harbor, ME. It was gorgeous. A huge bridge about a mile long that went out into the ocean. We walked the bridge and sat on the rocks at the end just enjoying the breeze, the water, the sunlight, and each other. It was a perfect moment. The only problem I had with that day was the fact that I was stupid and wore shoes that tore my feet up. Alan was wonderful though and held my hand and walked very slowly with me back to the car. Then he treated me to ice cream (well actually a cherry slushy ) and we went back to his mom's. His mom came home around 4:30ish and I got to meet her. She is really nice and I think I made a good impression on her (I hope) :) Then we went to see Spiderman 2 (good movie) :), went to the grocery store to pick up chicken and stuff, and then stopped at KFC for dinner. Got back to Alan's mom's house and found a note from Alan's mom saying she was visiting Alan's aunt and wanted us to stop by. We do...I learn a little bit about table tipping (Alan's mom is a spiritualist). Went home kissed a lot (among other things) and again fell asleep in each others arms. :)

SATURDAY
Woke up...showered...ate breakfast. Went to pick up gasoline for Alan's mom. Alan attempted to hang his "opinionated" flag up on the barn roof for the 4th of July and to piss off his neighbor who I hear is a real dick :) But since Alan is afraid of heights, he was unable to do it, so he nailed it to the side of the barn instead. Had a barbeque with Alan, his mom, his sister, and his nephew Dakota who is adorable. Played a few games of battleship with Alan's nephew (not the right way of course since he is only 3). Then we went to watch fireworks. Fireworks were amazing...Alan was amazing. Went home repeat of night before :)

SUNDAY
Woke up...showered...ate breakfast. Basically hung around the house all day. Alan's mom went out so we took a “nap” in the afternoon and goofed around for hours :) and then took another shower (together this time) :) Tried to go see fireworks again but decided not to since I was tired and we both just wanted to spend time with each other. Repeat of previous night except way way more amazing. :) I love Alan so much.

MONDAY
Woke up...showered...breakfast. Played with Tiddles for awhile...packed my stuff...followed Alan to gas station then to interstate where we said good bye…. :( I cried. I couldn't bear to pull myself away from him. I can't believe how much stronger my feelings get for him every day. Drove forever (4th of July weekend traffic sucks) Left at 1:00 pm. Didn't get home until 10:30 pm.

My weekend was amazing and I owe it all to Alan. He is so special and I know we will be together forever. :) I can not wait to see him again. He is coming to Honesdale July 30th to August 4th. :) Can't wait!!

~THE TIME OF MY LIFE~
Now I've had the time of my life
No I never felt like this before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the time of my life
And I owe it all to you
I've been waiting for so long
Now I've finally found someone
To stand by me
We saw the writing on the wall
As we felt this magical
Fantasy
Now with passion in our eyes
There's no way we could disguise it
Secretly
So we take each other's hand
'Cause we seem to understand
The urgency
Just remember
You're the one thing
I can't get enough of
So I'll tell you something
This could be love because
I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
Hey, baby
With my body and soul
I want you more than you'll ever know
So we'll just let it go
Don't be afraid to lose control, no
Yes I know what's on your mind
When you say, "Stay with me tonight"
Just remember
You're the one thing
I can't get enough of
So I'll tell you something
This could be love because
I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
But I've had the time of my life
And I've searched though every open door
Till I found the truth
And I owe it all to you
Now I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you
'Couse I've had the time of my life
And I've searched though every open door
Till I found the truth
And I owe it all to you...

I am currently Loved
I am listening to Nothing...

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Twenty nine hours
06/30/2004 10:03 p.m.
Twenty nine hours until I see Alan!!!! :) I have had so much stress with work and the new kitty this week. I am so glad that I can get away for a few days. It's even better that I get away to see and be with Alan :)

I LOVE ALAN NELSON!!
I am currently Excited
I am listening to News

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Two Days Left
06/30/2004 02:25 a.m.
Two days until I see the love of my life. :) Can't wait to be with him again! I love you Alan!
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to My two kitties fighting : - /

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Random Alan Thoughts
06/28/2004 02:03 a.m.
I get to see Alan in just over 3 days. I can not wait to be with him again. :)

My on-call week is over at 8 am tomorrow which is a good thing. :) It is good it will be over and it is good that I will have the on-call pay in my next paycheck.

I can't stop thinking about Alan and what this weekend will be like. I know it will be amazing because I will be with him. :)

I am so in love with Alan Nelson! :)
I am currently Content
I am listening to There's Something About Mary (TV)

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Why Alan and I DO Belong Together though others might not agree
06/27/2004 03:13 a.m.
Had a long talk with mom today about depression and how she ignored it in me and how she is doing it now with my brother. I told her that I forgive the fact that she hurt me and I love her still, but I just want to see her make some changes so she doesn't end up hurting PJ. Erika and I both talked to her and she cried... so I think maybe she understands. I am not sure though... she soemtimes is difficult to get through to.

On a lighter note, I am happier today. :) I love Alan so much and get to see him in five short days. I can't wait to hold him again.

Had a talk with Kathy and Erika about Alan today. I had to tell Kathy not to analyze this for me now... not when I am happy. (She tends to try and analyze why I do things and then ends up making me question myself) Ok... so I am not perfect and perhaps I do jump into things rather quickly... (even though I don't think I do it all of the time everyone else apparently thinks I do), but if it feels right... my feeling is go for it. I mean they don't really understand my explanations about how Alan and I "clicked". They question how I can "click" with someone that I have only spoken to online and met once. But I did... I really honestly did. Kathy also seems to think that I am hiding some kind of hidden sadness about the loss of Todd. She said that it isn't affecting me right now because I have Alan to keep me occupied "But what happens when things don't work out with Alan? Then you'll have to deal with the loss of two people."

HELLO!!!! Alan and I plan on working out. We don't plan on letting these feelings slip away from us. It is just not going to happen. Alan is my soulmate. He is... We belong together in every way... body, mind, heart, and soul.

And no... I couldn't give two fucks (pardon my language) about Todd and what he is doing with his life! There is no sadness here... not even "hidden" sadness and it is not because I have Alan to keep me occupied. It helps to have Alan... and yes I was sad at first when I ended it with Todd completely (and Alan was in the picture then too) but I quickly got over it. I figured that someone who didn't give a damn about me was not worth my tears... The only one who is worth anything remotely close to me shedding some tears is Alan, but because he is so worthy of it, I know that he will never purposely make me cry!! :) So there!!

Hate to say it sweetie, but I think the only people that understand us and what we are doing is us. :) But that is fine with me... :)

I love you Alan...so so much.
I am currently Devoted
I am listening to Clyde running

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Kind of Sad Today
06/25/2004 10:22 p.m.
Maybe I got too used to being happy
Because today I just feel like crying. I have no idea why. I miss Alan and want to see him so badly. I get to see him next Thursday, but not until around 11:00 pm because he has to work late. You know it figures that the one night it would have been nice for him to get out early, he is scheduled to work until 11:00 pm. The way my day has been going...I guess I expected something like that.

Oh I hope it isn't this hard for the whole year... I hope I don't end up missing him so much that it hurts this badly. I told myself in the beginning that long-distance was a bad idea, but I couldn't help falling in love with Alan. He is perfect and I can honestly day that I want to spend forever with him (yes this is after knowing him for only a short while). He is my soulmate and we clicked almost immediately.

I guess I just became so numb to the long-distance thing with Todd, that I forgot what it felt like to want this much. I don't think that I became this upset with Todd... I don't think I wanted or needed or loved as much as I do with Alan. Maybe I fell in love way too quickly, but I couldn't help that. At least with Alan, though, it is two sided. I know he feels the way I do... I know it hurts him too. I just hope we can survive the hurt...for just one year...that's all. Just one year...
I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to The cars driving by

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Smile
06/25/2004 03:31 a.m.
I feel so happy

I can't stop smiling

I love Alan so much

I can't wait to hold him again


I am currently Happy
I am listening to My heart beating

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So In Love
06/24/2004 03:07 a.m.
I feel like my heart is about to pop out of my chest. It is unbelievable how much I feel for Alan. :) I can't even describe it. I am so excited that I am going to get to see him in 9 (possibly 8) days. This fourth of July is going to be perfect because I will be with him.

"Each morning as I awaken, you're the reason I smile. You're the reason I love."
~Unknown

I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to News on TV

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