Love
09/11/2004 03:38 a.m.
I worked today and went to see a movie with Season and Cindy. We saw Vanity Fair. It was definately a chick-flick and very looonnnggg. The movie started at 8:15 and wasn't finished until 11:00. But I am home just in time to talk to my sweetie. He will be online soon! :) I can't wait to talk to him. I thought about him all day today.

At work I was sitting at my desk looking through my "Scenic tour of Maine" book and my supervisor came in and said "No wonder you can't get Maine out of your head." Yes...no wonder...

Man I just want to be back up there again...with Alan. I would so love to be able to share everything with him instead of the limited amount that I am able to share over the computer or on the phone. I want to be able to come home from work every day...cook dinner with Alan, do the dishes with Alan, get into my pj's and snuggle up next to him on the couch as we watch some TV or read a book. These are all of the little perfect things that I am looking forward to when he moves here.

It's amazing how all of the little things mean so much...


I am currently Thoughtfull
I am listening to The football game on TV

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He Is Incredible
09/10/2004 01:17 a.m.
You know I was just thinking about my weekend with Alan and the more I run it through my head the more incredible it seems... Even all of the little things...

Like when he was driving to Mt. Battie (not Mt. Camden like I thought...but Mt. Battie is in the town of Camden, so I was close!! :) ) and everything seemed so normal and I looked down and saw his hand on my leg and I just remember thinking how lucky I was to be with someone so incredible and someone who actually feels like HE is the lucky one. That amazes me...

I can honestly say that I NEVER in a million years expected to end up here...at this point with anyone... especially someone that lives 400 miles away and who is three years younger than myself. This is soooo beyond what I have ever expected and I can't even explain how incredibly happy I am. I fell head over heels in love. When I am with him...I feel like I am floating...and I never want my feet to touch the ground again... never...
I am currently Passionate
I am listening to The fan running

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More In Love Now
09/08/2004 09:50 p.m.
I am seriously more in love with Alan than I was before this weekend. I didn't think I could possibly love him more, but I do I do I do.

This weekend was amazing. I got to Maine on Friday around 7:00 pm. Alan met me at an office supplies store and I followd him to his mom's house. :) Saturday we watched Kill Bill 1 and 2 and we went to the fair with his cousin and his cousin's girlfriend, who were both really nice. I also got to meet Alan's older brother, his broher's wife and his two nieces. Sunday we drove two hours north and went to Moxie Falls which was gorgeous. Maine is gorgeous...Alan is gorgeous :) I love Maine. I love Alan. :) We brought a picnic lunch and sat near the waterfall to eat. On the way back we stopped at a rest stop with a beautiful view of a lake. Monday we went to visit my supervisor from work, Kathryn, who was on vacation in Maine for the week, we went to a really neat store where prisoners from the Maine state prison make everything in the store. It was awesome. Then we drove to what I think was Mount Camden (not sure if the name is right). But the view up there was amazing. We could see the ocean for miles. It was wonderful. We had long talks about important things...connected even more than we already were conncected...then we had to say good-bye :( Which is getting more and more difficult every time. I so just wanted to turn around and go back to Maine throughout my entire drive home last night.

Alan and I decided that he would move down here for a few years, but ultimately, we want to end up back in Maine. It is the perfect place to raise a family and it is just beautiful. I can not wait to start my life with Alan. Every day keeps getting better with him in my life and I can't imagine being without him. He makes me feel beautiful and loved and wanted...and I love him for that. He is everything to me... and I know that these next few months will just fly by and then we can start our life together. I can not wait.

I love Alan soooooo much!!!

I am currently Perfect
I am listening to That 70s Show

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:( I Miss Alan :(
09/01/2004 03:20 a.m.
Ok first of all I have to say that I am pretty upset with the place that Alan works for up in Maine. Alan is taking 27 credits for school this semester and they put him on to work until 10 pm every night. My poor sweet wonderful boyfriend is exhausted... So much so that he can't even be excited that I am coming up to see him in three days. (I am sure he is excited, but he's so tired he can't express it).

I really wish he could just quit that job. I mean I know he needs the money, but I really don't think working for a company that doesn't give a shit about its employees is even worth it.

I have pretty much accepted the fact that Alan has to stay up in Maine at least until May. I don't like it, but I have accepted it. But I have this horrible feeling that him working the crazy hours he is working on top of being in school and taking so many credits is going to put a huge strain on our relationship. And it is not his fault, which is the worst part of it. His job fucking sucks! Plain and simple...it sucks!

Man I love him so much and it hurts me so much to have to see him go through all of this because employers at a fucking grocery store can not be considerate of their employees. What the fuck do they want? To have him flunk out of school and work for them forever??!! You know...Burger King tried to pull that shit with me when I was working there to put myself through college. It got to the point where they asked me to quit school and come to work for them full-time and they would give me a raise.

I am sorry...but you couldn't pay me enough to work a shit-hole job for the rest of my life.

Maybe my problem is that Alan is more important to me than maybe he should be at this point... And I probably expect too much from this relationship. I mean I can't expect a whole hell of a lot when he lives 400 miles away from me. I can't expect really anything until he is here (if he ends up coming here at all, which I know is still up in the air). There is no doubt in my mind that Alan truly loves and cares about me. I know he does...Why else would he offer to drive to PA once a month all winter long because he knows I am not comfortable driving in the winter? Why else would he offer to apply to school down in PA as opposed to NY where he orginally wanted to go just to be closer to me? Damn it...this is why it is so important to me not to lose him. I have never met anyone like him before. It sucks so much that the one person in the world who I have a connection with and who cares that much about me lives so damn far away!

I know that stress and being tired all of the time from work and school etc. is going to start to present a huge problem... I feel it already and he just started back to school. Plus I start school soon too... Hopefully Shaws will cut his hours at work some, so he actually has time to breathe and time to focus on us at least a little bit. Hopefully me going back to school won't take up too much of my time and energy.

I am so excited about planning a future with him, that I really need to slow down and focus on the present, so I don't wind up completely heartbroken if things don't work out. Like I said, I know Alan loves me. I know he loves me a lot...but I wonder if love will be enough?

I guess only time will tell...
I am currently Angry
I am listening to I dunno...something on TV

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Four Days...
08/31/2004 02:12 a.m.
Four days until I see my sweetie again! :) I can not wait to just fall into his arms again. *sigh* I miss how he feels...with his arms around me...his body pressed against mine... the taste of his lips...

I am so anxious to see him again. I can't even put into words how he makes me feel, but it is incredible. It is soooo incredible.

Four days left!

Yay for being with Alan again!!!!!!! :)


I am currently Excited
I am listening to Cats knocking something over

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One Week Left :)
08/27/2004 10:48 p.m.
I have my orientatioin for school tomorrow. Blah...Not sure if I should have gone back or not, but there is no turning back now... :/

One week until I can be with my sweetie again. I had a pretty sexual dream about him last night... Read about it in my poetry :) Can't wait to make that dream real... ;)

I love Alan Nelson!!


I am currently Lustful
I am listening to My sweetie just called! :)

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I Get to See My Sweetie Soon!!
08/25/2004 01:19 a.m.
Only ten days until I drive back up to Maine to be with my sweetheart. I can not wait to hold him again. I miss him so unbelievably much. I talked to him last night for two hours... :) He makes me sooooo happy and it is incredibly frustrating when I want him so badly and I can't have him right now... Well in ten days, I will have him and it will be worth it! :) Yay for ten days!

BTW being back at work after being off for a week sucks! :/


I am currently Giddy
I am listening to Sex and the City

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The Many Ways I am Impatient
08/23/2004 02:25 a.m.
I miss Alan so incredibly much. I just have to survive the next eight months without him. There are tons of couples who are separated and have to wait longer than eight months...and honestly...I don't know how they do it. I can't stand not being able to be with him. It is absolute torture for me...I am just an impatient person.

Well yesterday I went to my co-worker's wedding. I love weddings, but I hate them too. It seems that whenever I go to a wedding, I get this sudden sense of urgency to get married. I know I have plenty of time to get married and have children and all of that happy family stuff that I have always wanted to have, but I guess I am just impatient. Anyways...my co-worker's song for her wedding was the most beautiful song and it made me think of Alan so I thought I would post it in my journal...

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL
Alison Krauss

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

I am currently Lucky
I am listening to Something on WE TV

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Back From Jamaica
08/20/2004 04:58 a.m.
I am back from Jamaica and while I had a great time, I am glad to be home. Jamaica was awesome...lots of sun, swimming, and drinking :) BUT I got sunburned, they lost our luggage on the way home with $85 worth of souveniers in it AND I missed Alan :(

Kathy and I decided that next time we go, we are bringing Dave (her boyfriend) and Alan with us because it would have been 100 times better with my sweetie there with me to walk on the beach at night, lay out by the pool all day...etc etc. I am glad to be home because I have only two weeks until I see my sweetie again. :) Yes that's right... I am driving up to Maine again for Labor Day... and I can not wait to hold him again :)

I love Alan :)

More on my trip later!


I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to Conan O'Brien

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Goin on a trip...
08/15/2004 03:37 p.m.
I just got back from seeing Bryan Adams :) It was an awesome concert and Kristin and I had pretty good seats...6th row! :)

Now I am finishing my packing for Jamaica since I am leaving tomorrow. Let's just hope I don't get hit with a hurricane while I am down there :-/.

I miss Alan :( I would honestly rather spend the week with him in Maine than go to Jamaica, but the Jamaice trip was planned and paid for before I even met him :( so I am going. I wish he was going with me... *sigh*

I love Alan and miss him so much!


I am currently O.K.
I am listening to Nothing...

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