Ahhhhhhh....!!!!
11/26/2002 04:50 a.m.
Why do you have this effect on me? Why is it that after so long you could still make me cry? Do you know that I could actually picture a future with you...? And that scares the living hell out of me. I have dreamed of us...together. We have a house and kids... We are happy! Sometimes I feel like I want more out of this than you do...Like you are in it for the time being...until something better comes along. I don't know what else there is to accomplish? I mean you went to school...you got your Master's degree...you have a career and an apartment...Shouldn't the next step be looking for "the one"? Or am I the only one that believes that there is this perfect person out there for me? I have looked at and analyzed everything about us. The way we are...together. You are my perfect person. And yet I doubt you feel the same way...or maybe it has to build up to that? Maybe knowing this soon is not something that "guys" do...or feel comfortable with. I just hate feeling like I am putting more of my heart on the line than you are. I know you love me...I don't doubt that for a second. But do you see a future with us? Or is it too early in the game to know? I find you talking about M and L and telling me "Well they have been together for five years...a long time...they got sick of each other." What does that mean?! That in five years (such a long time) you will get sick of me? I can't give you that much of myself for so long only to have you brush it off as if it was nothing. I WANT a future with YOU and only you. You don't understand how much I love you and how strongly I feel for you...and if you do...you certainly do not act as if you do. I know I'm a girl...Not only that...I'm an overly emotional girl. And I know...you are a guy... and we just arent the same. But how serious are you about me? You don't say much...just the "I love you's" and "Hi beautiful's" that I hear every so often...when I could write a book about my feelings for you...it just doesn't seem fair...when I'm the one who needs to hear it so much more...
I am currently Needy
I am listening to Me...typing

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Sad
11/25/2002 01:39 a.m.
Did you ever just feel like crying and you aren't exactly sure why?

I feel that way now... :(
I am currently Sad
I am listening to My roomate watching cartoons

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Thanksgiving Almost Here
11/24/2002 03:04 a.m.
Thanksgiving break is only three days away...soon to be followed by Christmas break (thank goodness). I am ready for this semester to be over. I have been ready since October. I got to see T today and his adorable nephew! I love T's nephew and T's sister is so nice. She is closer to my age. We get along pretty well :). T took me to lunch. He surprised me with Red Lobster. He knows I love seafood. I ordered part of T's Christmas gift today. I hope he likes it.

I went into BK yesterday. I had to tell K that I would work the Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving. He told me that G would be excited I was coming back since he doesn't have a girlfriend anymore. But I have T and I love T and that won't change...It doesn't matter to me that G doesn't have a girlfriend anymore. He had his chance with me...and he chose to not be with me. He chose to be with his "girlfriend". Now I am with T...I moved on...after being completely in love with G for three years...I moved on and fell in love with T and he is perfect for me. That won't change...ever.
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to "The Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson

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Frustrated
11/22/2002 02:05 a.m.
I hate when people who are supposed to be understanding and supportive of you because they are supposedly your "friend" completely go against everything you say. I talk to someone about something that frustrates me and she tells me "Mel, just becuase you work somewhere doesnt mean you are guaranteed a holiday." Jesus can't she just say "Yeah Mel that DOES suck." Instead of being a jerk about it. Some friend...


I am currently Angry
I am listening to "Will and Grace" on TV

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I Miss My Honey
11/21/2002 07:55 a.m.
I miss T so much. I had such a good weekend with him this past weekend and since he left, my week has pretty much been going downhill. I had car trouble on Monday. It overheated...I guess it needed anti-freeze/coolant. I feel like a complete moron when it comes to cars. I know absolutely nothing about them and people know it.

Tuesday was just my typical day from hell...Five classes in a row...plus a meeting in between with my group members for my one class.

Today, one of my roomates was nice enough to drive me to Wal-Mart so I could spend more money that I don't have on antifreeze/coolant. I was looking for it and realized that I could only seem to find it for RV's (which my vehicle is not), so I went up to a worker and sounded like a moron again as I explained my situation and asked him what kind of antifreeze/coolant I needed for my particular car. Luckily, I actually found someone to fill my car with the antifreeze/coolant.

I called T around 8:30. He sounded so so tired. He ended up working until 7 pm because he was behind on paperwork. They only paid him until 4. That upsets me. My poor wonderful boyfriend...getting stuck at work until 7 and not even getting paid for it.

He told me he could have really used a hug today and he offered to take me out to lunch on Saturday which makes me happy since I only expected to see him for an hour on Friday night. He said he missed me lots...especially today and I know he does. He almost made me cry. I miss him so much and since my week has pretty much been a living hell (aside from his phone calls every night which always make me feel better) I feel exceptionally emotional. I really would love to have him hold me for a few hours...just to make me feel better...and maybe him being in my arms would make him feel better too...just maybe...

P.S. The season finale of the Bachelor was on tonight. I don't know why I enjoy that show so much, but I do. Aaron picked Helene...just like I knew he would :)
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to My Breathing

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Sad Without My Love
11/18/2002 04:04 a.m.
T came to visit this weekend. Although I love when he comes to visit, I become so depressed when he leaves. Sometimes I wonder if this is how it will be forever... I can't help but wonder...every time he walks out my door...if this time will be the last. I never want to lose what we have. It is far too special to me.

Two more full weeks of classes left. So many things to do still and absolutely no ambition to do them. I have never felt this drained before and I don't understand why I feel this way. I am so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Maybe I am slowly slipping into one of my "low periods". I hope not. I was beginning to enjoy being happy.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to Lifetime TV--Television for Women :)

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Someone Loves Me
11/12/2002 04:21 a.m.
T loves me...he loves me so much that he knows when things are bothering me and he fixes it (or at least makes an attempt to). I love him. No one has ever cared about ME that much. It means so much to me to have him care...his love means the world to me...he means the world to me. I could picture a future with him and that makes me feel so good. To know that we have a future together. Hell HE is the one making comments about our future now...and its not only me and my wishful thinking. HE LOVES ME! I LOVE HIM! I wish I could shout it from the rooftops...and tell the world what a wonderful man I have.

Just yesterday...I was confused about us. But today it's better...he made it better. Granted things aren't perfect and they never will be, but they are as close to perfect as can be. T and me equal absolute (almost) perfection! ;)
I am currently Better
I am listening to My roomate talking

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Only THREE full weeks of classes left
11/07/2002 04:59 a.m.
After this week I have exactly THREE full weeks of classes left this semester (and a week for finals) and in that three weeks I still have 2 huge papers due in Individuals and Families, A big test and a project in Behavioral Disorders, A test in Stats, A huge project in Small Groups, A big test and at least two more papers in Sociological Theory. I can't wait to go home on December 13th and collapse on my bed.

I decided that I am going to drive to New Jersey to spend New Years with T this year. New Years is no fun without the one you love. T will be home from December 24th--December 29th and then he is going back to New Jersey. I am either going to follow him back on the 29th or I'll drive down on the 30th and stay until January 2nd.

I am so aggravated that I have to go back to BK during Christmas break. I thought I was out of that place for good. Mom told me that G keeps asking for me. He told her that he misses me...a little too late for that I think. I don't get why he suddenly misses me now. Is that what it took? Me not being around for five months and me being in love with someone else?! I saw him last weekend for the first time since August. As soon as he saw me come in to talk to K, he ran to the back to talk to me. He pointed out the tie he was wearing. It was a tie I got him for Christmas last year. Wow...hard to believe it was a year ago. So much has changed since then. I was miserable then. It is hard to love someone when they don't love you back. I'm not even sure if it was love...It lasted almost four years...but that doesn't mean it's love. And even if it was...he messed it up.

And here I am...a year later...so happy. I am so much in love and I don't doubt T's love for me...I know he loves me. I don't doubt my feelings... Sure I have my insecurities, but I think that deep down...so does T, which makes me feel better. I know we have both been hurt too many times in the love and relationship department and I know...yes I KNOW that this time is different. T and I were meant to be together. Destiny helped us meet and love will keep us together. I am confident about that! :)
I am currently Happy
I am listening to The Computer Humming

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I hate school
11/05/2002 04:11 a.m.
I am supposed to be working on a paper right now. (Three papers actually), but I decided to take a break. I hate school. I can't wait until this semester is over. Five more weeks to go. I am so excited...I am driving to New Jersey this weekend to see T. I can't wait to see him and just have him hold me all weekend. I need it. I am entirely too stressed out right now. Well tomorrow is my day from hell (aka. Tuesday) so I should run and attempt to get these papers done and then head to bed. Night!

I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to Psycho song on Romeo and Juliet Soundtrack

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Just Here
11/03/2002 06:00 p.m.
I spent all night last night decorating my apartment for Christmas and I'm still not done. :) Everyone thinks I am weird for decorating in the beginning of November, but technically we are only here for another five weeks so...We might as well enjoy the decorations now. I am going to New Jersey on Friday to visit T. I am excited. I just hope I can get there without getting lost. :) Well I think I'll run for now. I'm talking to T online and then I'm going to jump in the shower.
I am currently Content
I am listening to The television in the living room

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