i used to think the answer for everything 
was the way your smile angled ever so slightly to the left 
but then the crook in it made me realize the lie behind it

you are not what you present yourself as being.
 
you are not a sunrise i woke up early to see or a wave that hit just fucking right, no
no you are the murderer who gets a not guilty verdict and then boasts about it
you are the one who breaks it all just because you can

i have sat here for years, fucking years waiting for something better
every fucking time it feels that way i get that nagging voice, right? 
we all know the little whispers in our ears, 
the same fucking story everyone goddamn tells 
and tries to pass it off in a new box to make it seem like it is something new to behold

it isn't

you'll think me as the villain no matter what
and i will know the answers without ever asking you
because if i dig, then i dig and you become buried in your lies
but if i dig, you turn on me and tell me i am a cunt
so i become the liar as well, letting you believe i know nothing
but even as my arms get tired and my mind struggles to reach every memory,
i know the little notes my conscious left me

do you?

do you ever think about choices and how they impact every little thing around you?

your father died
your mother is a cunt
and you found love in women who were co-dependent liars
i don't need a psych degree to see that one
you care for nothing about me
and i put everything in to you
so erase my memory of you, i would gladly
and while i will be left alone, you will be left with choices that lead you nowhere
and some day it will all come down and end


05/29/2022
Author's Note: i want to hate you but i never can

Posted on 05/29/2022
Copyright © 2024 Ava Blu

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Philip F De Pinto on 06/04/22 at 02:26 PM
wonderful writing and fearless to speak its rightful mind. 
Posted by Nadia Gilbert Kent on 06/19/22 at 03:50 AM
There's a lot of really wonderful imagery here, in a place that feels like a straight-jacket.