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The Email Basket

by Steven Craig


Well, the dreaded moment arrived, the darkest hour of the day, the torture to both soul and eye…
Going thought the email. Hmmm, only 943 in the basket.


Sorting out the useless first…


Delete the bank closing accounts that I can still save if I login RIGHT NOW and enter my SSN.

delete the IRS wants money – Pay it here.

delete the earthquake warnings.

delete the zombie news of the day.

delete the alien world attacks notices.

Keep the the bdsm sales.

delete the car sales, house sales, boat sales, 747 sales.

delete the life lock credit and identity thief warnings along with penis enlargement plans.

Keep the CD UNIVERSE.

Delete Spanish sweepstakes, cousin in HONG KONG left me millions, and delete the Safeway coupons.

Delete all 'you have won', 'you have been selected', 'you are a winner', 'respond in 15 minutes for 1 billion pecos'...

There , that’s better... just 679 messages in the email now.

Deleting Ford, Chevy, Volvo and Yugo ads...

Deleting fish food sales- tossing in the dog sales too.

Delete all free gifts and reminders to login for free gifts.

Deleting burial insurance, DELMARVA power discounts, anything from Jerry Springer.

Cool... an add for fixing your credit score from orgamsin.com, that sounds like something you need.

Disposed the biorhythm charts, astronomical charts, real estate broker charts, and coupons for less than 50 cents off.

Deleting blank subjects, no subjects, blank content and blank pictures.

Deleting garden tool timesaving ads, Viagra look alike, 5% back cash back and how to please your wife.

Deleting ‘ATENTTION’ for any subject (you are going to be closed, you are going to be deleted, you are going to be billed, you are going to be arrested, you are going to die… UNLESS…blaa blaa blaa).

Deleting Job Opportunities in Gabon.

Deleting ‘x’ things they never tell you.

Deleting pampered cruises, cheap fares, Buy one or two or three and get one free.

Deleting ’ You are paying too much’, ‘need a loan’, Go dancing and all KIA sales.

Deleting all ‘Ends today’, ‘Last Chance’, Last Time Ever’, ‘Ends Tomorrow’ ads and you scored a free donut ad.

Keeping mail for screen cleaners, toilet paper discounts.

Deleting Bible inspirations, donate before the rapture, and make your home a religious tax haven.

Deleting anything from Drago Dragodragoavich.

Deleting all IMPORTANT INFORMATION, IMPORTANT CHANGES, IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, Need for dentures, lead poisoning, and discount adoptions.

Deleting ‘learn about urinary incontinence before it happens’, ‘what to do before death’, 13% off ink, $10 gift cards, and how to spot hidden cameras.

Deleting all references to wedding plans, part time jobs, sharing unclaimed riches with a foreigner, and postal policy changes in Poland.

Deleting priced to move, priced to buy, priced to sell, priced to intrigue, and priced to make world news today.

Deleting any customer satisfaction survey.

Deleting ‘review your Sexual Offender Registry Entry’, front door lock survey, home appliance extended warranties and how to stomp out stubborn nail fungus.

Deleting UFO sightings, God sightings, Elvis sightings, Bigfoot sightings and strange plant sightings.

Keeping the links to the most bad ass movie scene of all time … you betcha this is a keeper…


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izyVEzlIBpk


Deleting bed bug nitty gritty, smoothie recipes, slow PC help and truck driver insurance.

Deleting anything in the title I cannot pronounce.

Keeping the pathetic.com backups. 


04/04/2015

Posted on 04/04/2015
Copyright © 2020 Steven Craig

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Nadia Gilbert Kent on 04/04/15 at 09:00 PM

Oh this made me laugh... so much truth.

Posted by A. Paige White on 04/05/15 at 07:14 PM

Woops. I started reading and commenting this Easter basket goodie from the bottom up. Ditto to my second commented reading. ;-)

Posted by Kristina Woodhill on 04/07/15 at 02:43 AM

It's exhausting trying to keep up with all the offers. You've captured our crazy online world perfectly. That last line is a keeper. Thanks for this.

Posted by Ken Harnisch on 04/09/15 at 04:50 PM

Laughing out loud while ignoring - at my peril, no doubt - news from Nigeria that I have been awarded 7.5 million euro if only I contact Mr. Joseph Okuwebe at a number in Paris. Deliciously satirical poetry you got here, sir!

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